Night of the Demon (1980)

Night of the Demon (1980)

Director: James C. Wasson

Stars: Michael Cutt, Joy Allen, Bigfoot

  I have always wanted to see this film simply for the fact that I personally think that Bigfoot is a gentle creature who merely wants to be left alone. I mean, when that car hit him in Harry and the Hendersons, he didn't get angry, he just hung out with them and taught them the value of family. Sure, he got angry in those beef sticks commercials, but wouldn't you be angry if hipster douchebags kept fucking with you? I know if I had the strength of ten men, I'd be field goal kicking some bespectacled dick right in his freshly shaved asshole. 

  Don't ask me how I know that. 

  So the story here takes place in a hospital, where a badly dressed detective is interviewing a professor whose face has been horribly disfigured (which he covers up with a mask). He tells what happened in the first of many flashbacks. The professor and a group of similarly aged students go out into the remote woods to see if they can get proof of the existence of Bigfoot. I'm not sure what proof they were planning to get or how they were going to get it, because due to flashbacks within flashbacks we find out that Bigfoot has been killin' folks left and right. Wait...killin' folks!? Nah, not Bigfoot. It has to be someone dressed like him.

  The Scooby gang goes into town, where they find out about a crazy girl living alone in the woods who went crazy because she had a deformed baby and it died. See, she's probably the killer. Story over. Time to go...wait, why is the sheriff watching them with disdain in his eyes?

  Turns out the gang runs into a cult of Bigfoot worshipers, who have the crazy lady lying down ready for some hillbilly lovin' before the professor chases them away. OK, THERE'S the real killers. I better cut this off now.

  Only they aren't the killers. In fact, they are never seen again. What the fuck movie!?  The gang finally track down Crazy Mary (not her real name) and they find her special dead baby room. Not creepy at all. The professor hypnotizes her and they find out that her crazy hillbilly cult leadin' dad was the one who killed her baby. Why you may ask? Well...she tries to run away from daddy dearest when she's raped by Bigfoot. 

  Yes, Bigfoot raped this woman right in her own front yard. With her daddy watching no less. As thanks for killing the half human/half furball baby, "Crazy Mary" here burns ol' pappy poopdeck alive.

SPOILER ALERT FOR A FILM MADE IN 1980!!

  The final minutes of this film is Bigfoot wanting to see his girl again, so does he stand outside her home with a boombox in his hand? No, he murders the college students horribly, and slams the professor's face into a hot stove.

  We come back to the professor and the doctor wisely puts him to sleep. Another doctor declares the professor criminally insane although there are no murder victims to be found. We end depressed.

  I really thought Bigfoot was a loving gentle creature of nature, but check out this scorecard:

- Tears a guy's arm off

- Rips some biker's dick off!!

- Drags a naked guy out of a van, and presumably fucks him to death on top of the van (that's alright with him)

- Makes two girl scouts stab each other repeatedly with knives!

- Swings a guy in a sleeping bag over his head and onto a pointy branch (Top THAT Vorhees)

- Pitchfork to the back

- Stove to the face

- Slams a guy's head into a tree causing the guy to shoot himself in the head!

- Rapes a mountain woman!!

  Bigfoot, you ARE a giant hairy asshole!!

  Here's a very NSFW trailer for Night of the Demon. There is biker penis seen, and no, Bigfoot ain't working at no rest stop.

 

15 Underrated Villains #12: Maude Chalmers (Funeral Home)

Funeral Home is one of a series of great slasher films in the early 80's that came from our brethren up north in Canada. It's also the film that introduces us to our next underrated villain in Grandma Maude Chalmers.

The story is Heather comes to her Grandma's place to help her open a bed and breakfast. Now this place used to be a funeral home (hence the title), but honestly, outside of a few creepy locations, it's really not that important. Rumor has it that Maude's missing husband ran off with another woman after Maude had a nervous breakdown...but if that's so, why does Heather hear her talking to a cranky old man down in the cellar?

Before too long people start showing up at the bed and breakfast, and then start disappearing. Maude isn't too keen on some of the guests, including Mickey from Meatballs with his mistress, who looks like a community theater version of Adrienne Barbeau (without the boobs or looks).

Again, there's spoilers, but it's from 1980, so if you don't want spoilers from there, tough (I won't say who shot JR though). Turns out Maude's nervous breakdown turned into full fledged insanity because Heather finds out that Grandma is talking as herself AND her long dead husband (whom she killed). Now I talk to myself on occasions, but I've stopped just short of axe murdering people...well outside of Des Moines...but they had it coming.

Here's the scene that convinced me she belonged on this list. It's really creepy how insane she looks arguing with herself. I just hope she can look at herselves in the morning.

The Apple (1980)

The Apple (1980)

Director: Menahem Golan

Stars: Catherine Mary Stewart, George Gilmour, Grace Kennedy

I admit to being a sucker for movie musicals of the 70's/early 80's. Grease, Phantom of the Paradise, even the Wiz has it's charm (in a weird way). So when I had a chance to watch The Apple, I thought "I really need to review something so why not".

Immediate regret.

The Apple is about a future (well...1994) where the world is pretty much run by a record label, BIM. this global dictatorship is run by the "mysterious" Mr. Boogaloo. No I'm not kidding. Great name for your lead villain, Golan. Apparently he surrounds himself with people so camp, drag queens would think they were gaudy.

I...got nothing.

So these wide eyed kids from Moosejaw, Alphie and Bibi enter an American Idol like contest, and when they seem to be winning, BIM goes into action. They rig the contest and then offer contracts to our heroes. Bibi accepts but Alphie knows that something is wrong and tries to stop it. He fails pretty badly several times. 

Eventually they get back together with the help of some hippies and they everyone sings songs that you forget three minutes after hearing them. The plot is a mishmash of several other more popular musical films, and to be honest, I didn't give a shit about any of these people. I don't give a shit about anyone who was involved with this movie and hope that they have to watch this on a loop for the rest of their lives while wearing a tiny silver bananna hammock.

Six Things I Took From The Apple (non STD edition)

1. The vehicles in this film were all created using the drawings of every 8 year old boy ever made. LOTS OF HEADLIGHTS! SHARP CORNERS EVERYWHERE! GET THOSE FUCKING FINS ON THAT STATION WAGON STAT!

2. Nothing says evil like a fey middle aged tracksuit wearing Doug McClure lookalike dancing around.

I wasn't kidding.

3. Take one part Jesus Christ Superstar, throw in a dash of Grease, and spill some Faust into it for this trainwreck of a movie

4. There's one song called "I'm Coming For You" that takes place when one of the bad guys tries to seduce Alphie in a giant room filled with people pretending to be having sexual relations on multiple beds. In case you were wondering, the title of the song is probably meant to be taken literally...or if it was a Slade song it'd be "I'm Cumming For You".  I imagine that's what Studio 54 was like in the 70's.

5. In 1994, we're all suppose to be wearing clothing so shiny that some people will get jobs laying in front of people's car windshields to keep the sun out.

6. I know I'm spoiling the ending, but fuck it.. This movie ends the only logical way it does...with God coming out of the sky in a gold fancy car and taking Alphie, Bibi, the hippies, and at least a couple of the Village People away. Yes, it's the Disco Rapture. So the Devil (it's a much better name than Mr. Boogaloo) tells God (using a goofy fake name as well) "You can't live without me" to which "God" says "Fuck you buddy, you go make out with your creepy Grace Jones looking guy-who-hangs-out-at-the-laundromat-with-no-laundry like sidekick and your ugly bald vampire security" and struts away. Fuck you Golan, and Globus too for good measure.

Sweet ride, isn't it?

The Shining (1980)

The Shining (1980)

Director: Stanley Kubrick

Stars: Jack Nicholson, Shelley Duvall, Danny Lloyd

This is one of those films that all of us who enjoy horror movies know about (and cherish), but I'll explain the plot anyways.

Jack Torrance, failed writer, successful drunk, and accidental child abuser, gets a job as the caretaker of the Overlook hotel in Colorado. He and his family get this giant creepy ass hotel to themselves for the winter. Plenty of places to sleep, food coming out the yin yang, and all the peace and quiet one needs to write a novel. Oh yeah, the previous caretaker went bonkers and chopped up his family, but let's "overlook" that (I slay me). Once there, the hotel starts fucking with Jack's head until he's sipping on imaginary booze, making out with old rotting corpses, and generally spouting off Tonight Show lines. His weird kid has the "Shining", which means he writes words backwards in blood, has tenants living in his mouth, and is forced to see two ugly twins want to play with him. Poor Shelley Duvall.

Six Things I've Learned From The Shining

1. Call me a bastard, but if some kid was sending me horrific images from a great distance, my first thought wouldn't be to go help the kid but to want him to shut up so I can finish watching this rerun of Designing Women. Oh that Suzanne Sugarbaker!

2. So if you become part of the hotel, I imagine in addition to those great parties of the 20's you get to go to (see the ending) that you would also be stuck watching some fat guy from Knoxville on vaction taking a massive dump in his bathroom as well. No wonder that hotel is angry all the time.

3. I really want some paintings of nekkid women with giant afros like Halloran had in his condo. Since he's dead....hmm...

4. The scene where Jack meets the former caretaker (demoted to being a butler) is one of the creepiest scenes I've ever seen. I still scream and run away when I see one of those guys that hand out towels in fancy men's rooms.

5. All Work and No Play went to number 3 on the NY Times Bestsellers list.

6. I find it hilarious that to scare the wits out of Shelley Duvall, the hotel immediately thinks to have her interrupt oral sex between fozzie bear and his well dressed suitor. 

Can't Stop The Music (1980)

Can't Stop the Music (1980)

Director: Nancy Walker

Stars: The Village People, Valerie Perrine, Steve Guttenberg

I...I don't know where to start. This movie is obviously a vehicle for the late 70's super disco group the Village People. The "plot" little as there is, is basically a retelling of how they got together. Perrine is a former supermodel living with the goofiest songwriter in history (Guttenberg). They decide to put a group together with the help of Perrine's lawyer boyfriend, Bruce Jenner. Yes, that Bruce Jenner. Acting like a low rent Christopher Reeves and going from suits to a half shirt in the blink of an eye.

Everyone involved in this film should issue an apology for taking part in this.

Six Things I've Learned From Can't Stop the Music

1. This movie was directed by the quicker picker upper lady. I'm serious. There's not enough Bounty to clean up this mess.

2. The running time is TWO FUCKING HOURS LONG. This movie had so much padding in it I took a nap on it for a half hour.

3. This film goes out of its way to not mention that these guys are gay. "Weird" or "Out There" were a couple of words used instead.

4. This movie uses the classic movie rule of the horny female friend looking for men. Of course in a movie where the only straight guy in the film is taken (And no one can tell me Guttenberg wasn't gay in this), this might be a problem. Also she looka likea man.

5. I never want to see Bruce Jenner in daisy dukes and a half shirt ever again.

6. The video below made me 20% gayer than I already was (was at a reasonable 3%). I've seen the scene in Shortbus where the guy sucks his own dick, and it's not as gay as this scene.

The Gayest Movie Scene in History by alabastertnt

City of The Living Dead (1980)

City of The Living Dead (1980)

Director: Lucio Fulci

Stars: Christopher George, Catriona MacColl, Carlo De Mejo

In the first of Fulci's trilogy (the others being The Beyond and House By The Cemetery), a preacher hangs himself, waking up a bunch of dead folk and generally cause mayhem and mischief himself. A reporter, a woman who previously died, and a therapist who dates high school girls set out to stop it. Brains are squished like one of those stress relieving balls. It's pretty neat-o.

Six Things I've Learned from City of The Living Dead

1. That ain't Nestle's strawberry syrup dripping into that milk!

2. Don't pet old dead ladies because they bite and then lay around in your kitchen for no reason.

3. Never let Christopher George help you out of a coffin.

4. Teenage guy smoking pot in a car with a teenage girl = drill in the head. Forty year old therapist dating a teenage girl = welcome with open arms.

5. Zombies don't run here, instead they've mastered the art of teleportation.

6. He's psychotic, he's so needing...he'll get your little eyeballs bleeding. Throwing up all your insides, he's got...EVIL PREACHER EYES!