Enter The Ninja (1981)

Enter The Ninja (19810

Director: Menahem Golan

Stars: Franco Nero, Susan George, Sho Kosugi

I've always had a fondness for white guys as the hero in martial arts films. It's probably because they look so ridiculous doing the moves, but I love them nonetheless. From the Best of the Best series, No Retreat No Surrender, Anything with Richard Harrison....hell, I even like the Godfrey Ho ones with the guys who have headbands that say ninja on them. So finding out about this film from The Church of Splatterday Saints (Their take on the film is here ), I knew I had to see it.

I was not disappointed.

The story is about Cole (Nero), a white dude becoming a ninja master in Japan, much to the chagrin of his schoolmate Hasegawa (the eyeliner lovin Kosugi). He leaves there to go visit his old 'Nam buddy in the Phillipines, where he finds out that a greedy rich bastard (the scenery chewing Christopher George) is trying to forcibly take his buddy's land. They're running off the locals from the place (ruining many a cockfight) with the help of a comic hook handed character. Very rarely do you ever see a guy with a hook that isn't a comedy character....well unless they're leaving the hook in the side of the car.

So Cole, his buddy, and his buddy's Olivia Newton John clone of a wife (Susan George) keep the assholes at bay, as they fight the evil Christopher George and his new hired ninja...HASEGAWA!. Will Cole defeat his rival? Will his buddy and his wife end up happy together? Will Christopher George act in anything? And will the guy with the hook ever get unstuck from that wooden post he was stuck on? All these answers in more in the next....SOAP. 

Six Things I've Learned From Enter The Ninja

1. Say what you will about the bad guys, but their white suits sure do make em look snazzy...even when they get their own blood on them.

2. For some reason, they pick up some old guy selling watches and nudie pics (probably from Susan George films) to help out against the bad guys. Because when I need help fighting off small groups of hired thugs, I enlist the elderly. Well...I actually do do that, but the results aren't quite the same as they are in this film. Never give an old lady a rocket launcher....not if you are attached to your car....or the people in it. Stupid old lady.

3. When you and your ninja master buddy go out and kick some people's asses, the best way of saying thank you to him is by sending your wife over to his room to have sexual relations with him. It show you care, it shows she cares, and he'll be enjoying himself so much he won't care that he's boning your wife. That's friendship.

4. If you live at the top of a high rise building and you own a pool, do you get many complaints? I can just imagine being the guy who lives one floor down and having his dinner ruined by leaking chlorine filled water and people funk. That steak was expensive, you bastard!

5. Ridiculous Customs #421: When your buddy arrives, always have a cock fight ready to go.I don't mean penis swords, I meant two roosters fighting to the death. Animal violence is okay, but penis touching...no way, Jose!

6. If you're like me, you like going on the youtubes to watch bad movie clips. If you do, then you know about the greatest death scene ever. You know...the one where the guy gets a ninja star to the chest, and while he's falling down he looks at the camera and shrugs before dying? The man throwing the star is our hero Franco Nero and his shrugging target...none other than Christopher George. Yes, THIS is the movie that scene came from. 

For those of you who haven't seen it, then I am disappointed with you. You can watch it now or not have any dessert later. It's for your own good.

The Cloth (2013)

The Cloth (2013)

Director: Justin Price

Stars: Kyler Willett, Perla Rodriguez, Eric Roberts (for 5 minutes)

Having gotten tired of being burned on new horror by Netflix, I decided to go another route. Enter Hulu Plus. We got this mainly for the Criterion Collection, but I decided to take another chance on new horror and pick a movie at random. 

This proves to me that I have no taste in movies, even when it's at random.

This mashup of better horror movies is about some non believing douchebag who has to join up with the Men in Bla...I mean ass kicking priests to...well to be honest this movie isn't very clear on that. Some asshole demon (played by the director) comes down and becomes a big pimp, making out with the ladies before either killing them or making them all mucked up. 

Priests fighting demons...that's about it. Eric Roberts is in this for 5 mniutes proving he'll act in anything for a paycheck. Danny Trejo is also in this for an additional 5 minutes...but since he was in Machete, I'll give him a pass just this once. The main hero in this is the less talented clone of Paul Walker. Think about that for a minute.

No cloth was harmed in the making of this movie.

Six Things I've Learned From The Cloth

1. The editing here is atrocious. In one scene our moronic hero pays a visit to the guy who killed his father (out on parole), and finds out he's a demon. Our hero proclaims "You have got to be shitting me". The next scene has a girl walking into a room WITH OUR HERO! The fuck happened in between being shitted on and walking into a room?! It's never fucking explained. I get that fast cuts keep the movie moving but bad editing makes one want the film to leap off a cliff.

2. Our hero has three facial expressions...dumb, dumber, and goddamn rock stupid motherfucker.

 

3. Demons are made of confetti, and when you shoot them, the magic just bursts out of them!

4. I counted Men in Black (why is your gun bigger than mine scene), Blade Trinity (the flying opening knife on a chain scene), and of course the Exorcist (The entire beginning sequence). When you think originality, you think of this film!

5. Check out this tidbit from their IMDB:

"The cast and crew brought Sage and did cleanses before each shoot."

 They should have been colonics, because this movie is full of shit.

6. My favorite part of this movie was when the main guy's love interest is possessed. Before this, everyone possessed were blown into glittery goodness. Not this girl. The hero and a priest chant to save her. When the demon goes into the priest, instead of being grateful the priest helped saved his girlfriend, he turns him into a glitter bomb. Bros before ho's you asshole!

Hollywood's New Blood (1988)

Hollywood's New Blood (1988)

Director: James Shyman

Stars: Bobby Johnston, Francine Lapensée, Joe Balogh

In slasher films, there must be three things in it for it to be a good slasher...cool kills and nudity. You can sacrifice one of these two and maybe come out with something passable, but take them both out and you have Hollywood's New Blood.

A bunch of terrible actors are at some acting seminar in a cabin in the woods. A big mulleted, stiff as a board Brawny Man (minus the porn stach) named Brad tells the story of how the wrong building was rigged up for a movie scene and accidentally blew up the place this cabin is now standing on. It killed everyone except three brothers who are out wandering the woods with greasepaint on their faces and murder in their hearts. 

People start dying off, but any chance of having any cool deaths are shattered when you realize that they ALWAYS CUT TO A REACTION SHOT WHEN THE KILLING STARTS! I'm sure it's because the filmmakers were too stupid to know how to do the simplest of tasks, but can you at least SHOW the fucking knife going into the victim. It ruins my enjoyment of their deaths.

Six Things I've Learned From Hollywood's New Blood

1. I find it funny that the movie takes place during an acting seminar, when it's clear that none of the people in this movie actually know how to act. Very meta.

2. Some of the worst screaming comes from this movie. In one scene our morons thinks one of their friends are getting killed only to see her in the throes of passion...which for this movie is two jackasses under a cover. So when she screams for real, everyone thinks she's playing with her boyfriend's donkey kong. A better scream would have stopped that. I wonder if they make those nose opening strips for throats?

3. This movie clocks in at an hour and 17 minutes, but feels like it's as long as watching all three extended versions of Lord of the Rings. The last 14 minutes of this movie is nothing but credits and an extended recap of EVERYTHING YOU JUST FUCKING SAW! There's so much padding in this movie that they can put it in the walls of the nuthouse suite I'll be staying at because of this shitheap!

4. The acting coach's method is to "take a break". Things getting heated ...take a break. Cue cards not high enough to read? Take a break. Getting murdered by ugly grease painted hillbillies? I'll be in the break room.

5. I get that this is yet in another looooong line of people in the woods getting slaughtered movie,and that's fine, but if you're going to film the woods, at least realize the differences between the sounds of crickets chirping or bullfrogs croaking, and the goddamn rain forest that you decided to insert instead. There ain't no damn monkeys in them woods!

6. I will give this movie one tiny piece of credit. The way the final bad guy gets his may just be one of the funniest and most ridiculous ways to die  I have ever seen. Brawny Man shoves the skull of the bad guy's mother into the bad guy's face and...well look for yourself...

POW Deathcamp VHS Cover

As disturbing as the guy with no hands at the bottom showing off his stubs is, it's nothing compared to those poor guys caught in what appears to be the line of ass fire from Triggerhappy there. Those who hasn't dealt it, still felt it.

Paranormal Asylum: The Revenge of Typhoid Mary (2013)

Paranormal Asylum: The Revenge of Typhoid Mary

Director: Nimrod Zalmanowitz

Stars: Aaron Mathias, Laura Gilreath, Nathan Spiteri

I am a moron. You would think after 100 Ghost Street that I'd learn my lesson about watching new horror on Netflix. But I am the guy who willingly watched Chain Letter, so I really shouldn't be shocked.

At least this movie attempts to go outside of the now generic found footage cliche of a bunch of morons trapped in some ugly old building they have no business being in getting killed. I even saw some pretty nice camera shots. Hell, some of the acting wasn't all that bad. I wanted to add more positive stuff, but to be honest I don't have any.

The story is two buddies plan a documentary about Typhoid Mary. Girlfriend wants to help so she does a seance. Now what do you think happens to her?

A. She realizes that all that incense is giving her a headache and goes to bed

or

B. She becomes possessed by Typhoid Mary

I won't spoil it...well not blatantly, but I think you can figure out the answer. This movie made me seriously think about cancelling my Netflix account.

Six Things I've Learned From Paranormal Asylum: The Revenge of Typhoid Mary

1. Girlfriend possessed? That's cool. It'll be like doing two chicks at the same time.

2. I just remembered another positive thing about this movie...unlike 100 Ghost Street, where they made shit up about Richard Speck willy nilly, this one is pretty accurate about Typhoid Mary. Gotta give them props for doing their research.

3. Why introduce a character that's made out to be important, but ends up dying THREE FUCKING MINUTES AFTER YOU INTRODUCE THEM!? And who the hell killed this character!? WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS MOVIE!?!?!

4. Please don't have your non possessed characters all be bi-polar. Screaming one minute and then calmly talking the next. Best example is the random fat TV's Frank lookalike who goes from creaming his pants over an old bottle of drugs to acting like he's going to stab the two main guys for having it. Stop chewing the scenery, you already ate most of it.

5. Not everything scary that happens needs to have the word Paranormal tacked onto it. I'm waiting on such films as Paranormal Mediocrity, Paranormal Radiology, and Paranormal Paranormalty.

6. As a screenwriter myself, I can honestly say this script is horrible. What could have been a very promising film is ruined not only by the inane dialogue that is spoken by the actors (badly I might add), but the simple fact that you never are clear about what the hell is going on until AFTER it's already happened. And that's only half the time. The rest of the time you're stuck with your thumb up your ass. I was making up explanations as the movie went on. In my version, Typhoid Mary was living in some old island with the muppets, while the two guys were randomly killing off everyone they met so they could get their money and put on that off off broadway musical they always wanted to do about Mary. Made a hell of a lot more sense than what I saw.

2 Everything 2 Terrible 2: Tokyo Drift (2010)

2 Everything 2 Terrible 2: Tokyo Drift (2010)

Director: The fine folks at Everything Is Terrible

Stars: Duane, Tiny Hitler, Cat Massaging Lady

I am a compilation video junkie. From those  trailer compilations with the same 30 trailers in it to the weird and wacky Lost and Found Video Night series, if they were food I'd weight 500lbs by now. I tend to like the goofy ones better, and if there's death in it, I'd rather it be gory movie deaths instead of the Faces of Death bullshit. I like to be entertained, not depressed.

This brings me to Everything is Terrible. Their first movie is the standard collection of oddball instructional videos and other oddities, with some slight editing. I of course loved it. But then I had a chance to watch the sequel. I couldn't pass it up. Would it live up to the original?

Oh it exceeded it with one of the most epic stories cut together and reassembled on tape.

The story, as coherent as it can be, concerns the death of the Christ figure Duane, a hip hop dancing kid who knows the score. When he is tragically murdered, the world degrades into sex, drugs, and cat massaging. Hitler, now in the body of an 10 year old boy, tries to rule the Earth. Will he take over, or will a miracle dance it's way out of the sky? I won't spoil it for you.

Six Things I've Learned From 2 Everything 2 Terrible 2: Tokyo Drift

1. Klingons are uncircumcised. At least that's what the rogue Christian Trekkie told me. Klingon plays a mean guitar though.

2. If I'm out and about and I see a couple doing the music kiss (which is kissing to the beat, turning your head side to side) I will send the uncircumcised Klingon to bash their heads in with the guitar.

3. If Duane is gone, it means no pizza. I can almost handle a little Hitler, but no pizza!? That is a fate worse than death.

4. Whenever the world is just overwhelming me, I take a skate break. I'm still overwhelmed, but at least I have a nice neon outfit to look forward to. Can't touch this!

5. In one clip,a man is asked if he thought about having sex with animals. His reply is "Do whales count"? Be sure to check which section you rent Free Willy from. Just a handy tip.

6. I don't know what video series include a Jerry Seinfeld lookalike doing the helicopter with his little Jerry flapping about, but I want all copies of it to be burned. The only thing that could be worse is a George lookalike coming in naked from the pool.

Duane: Never Forget

Last Man Standing VHS Cover

Watch out fighting shirtless men! That giant dude is gonna sneeze on you!

Bloodstream (1985)

Bloodstream (1985)

Director: Michael J. Murphy

Stars:  Patrick Olliver, Jacqueline Logan, Mark Wells

I love getting a hold of rare movies. For the most part, there's a pretty damn good reason why they are considered rare, but it's the thrill of the hunt that I enjoy. I started out with more well known stuff like Death Bed and 555, but as time goes on, I'm getting weirder and weirder stuff. 

My last review, Black River Monster, has an IMDB listing but no actors listed. Bloodstream however, has no IMDB listing. I know it's not hard to get one considering all the porn and wrestling pay per views that get listed on there. Hell, I even have an IMDB listing. So of course I had to see what the mystery was about this movie.

This super 8mm film out of England is one of those typical slasher films, with the killer in some kooky costume. The story is this director makes a bad horror film that the distributor doesn't like. The director gets fired and he sits at home watching more bad movies. But wait! Turns out the distributor is a right bastard because he goes ahead and releases the film. So his scheme was:

1. Fund film

2. Fire Director

3. Release film

4. Profit!

At least he had a full plan of action there.

So the receptionist, with pounds notes in her eyes, tells the director about it and convinces the poor dope to start offing everyone close to the distributor. Oh, and because he's arty, he has to film it as well.

There's some nudity in there, and the gore is pretty good for the obviously low budget this film had. It drags because of all the video watching, but otherwise an enjoyable film.

Six Things I've Learned From Bloodstream

1. Horror movie rule #41: If you've had a hand in ruining someone's life, do NOT by any means, start bench pressing weights at random times of the day. The weights will be used against you in a negative manner. Just consider it a cheat day...a cheating death day.

2. You know you're in a first class distributor's office when the walls are lined with random people's headshots.

3. The sleazy distributor looks an awful lot like the Master from Manos. If he had better help taking care of the place, that crazy director wouldn't have broken into it so easily.

4. You ever wanted to see how this director would have handled other kinds of films? This movie is like a personal demo reel for the real director. There's a Mad Max clone, an Exorcist clone, and more. My favorite is the movie within the movie about a guy getting boarded up in the flimsiest made wooden jail like structure so he won't get out when he turns into a ridiculous werewolf. The werewolf costume is so bad Spencer's gifts wouldn't sell it half off. SPOILER: He gets out.

5. I really hope "Awaken Zombie" "Return of Lucifer" and "Cobra Kill!" are real movies.

6. If your ultimate plan to get money is to make some poor dope a serial killer, don't be so damn surprised when you find out he starts to really enjoy it. Chastising him on his evidence disposal methods will not lead to anything good for you health wise. 

"I didn't see this coming!"

Black River Monster (1986)

Black River Monster (1986)

Director: John Duncan

Stars: Craig Martin, Bruce Phillips, James Larsen

I love shot on video movies. Yes, I'm aware that 99% of them are awful, but there's something about analog video that's soothing to me. Maybe it's because during the mid to late 80's just about anybody could buy a camcorder and make their own movie. And they did. And they somehow suckered video store owners into putting it on their shelves. It amazes me that some sucker ended up renting crap like Death Nurse...even worse, thinking that it's somebody's favorite movie.

Anyway this short (48 minutes) movie was done basically to promote the Black River Farm and Ranch, a camp only for girls. It seems on the up and up since the place still exists, so that's a sigh of relief.  

From everything I've read about this movie (and there isn't much about it online) the story is about  a bigfoot monster  running around throwing shit around in barns and scaring kids. But the real story of this movie is about Leroy. Leroy is a classic fat man character who is about to enjoy his first day at his new job. By enjoy I mean he sleeps in while his look alike mom yells at him to get up.

He hitches a ride with a couple dumb redneck assholes who shake and bake him in the back of their truck to fuck with him. Then they demand money for it! We find out later that they're the main bad guys in this.

Short story made long made short again, Leroy works at the ranch, the monster trashes a barn, the rednecks try to steal shit, and Leroy saves the day. It doesn't drag, and honestly, I like Leroy. He's a dumb, harmless, almost lovable character. I wonder whatever happened to him? Imdb won't tell me. I bribed it and everything. 

Six Things I've Learned From Black River Monster

1. There is a nail biting scene in which Leroy has to catch two goats. Sure, a dead guy with arms and legs ripped off could catch them, but I like to think this is a struggle Leroy goes through everyday.

2. I'm not sure which look was sexier, Leroy in his overalls or when he wears a  too tight safari outfit in his dream.

3. In this alternate universe, locked screen doors are the same as maximum security prison. Aluminum foil? Pure fucking steel, man.

4. Wimp really needs to make a comeback. You know, when you want to hurt someone's feelings without making them feel TOO bad. Go with the softer, gentler insult.

5. When the bad guys get their comeuppance at the hands of Bigfoot, it's quite satisfying. Even moreso when the monster looks like a giant ape puppet with a cat's head attached to it. Hooray for ridiculous attacks!

6. My favorite thing about this film is that one of the bad guys is named Sleaze. That's what he's credited as. He's great. He also looks like a hillbilly version of Charles Manson.

Helter Skelter!

Gong Tau (2007)

Gong Tau (2007)

Director: Herman Yau

Stars: Mark Cheng, Maggie Siu, Suet Lam

I have very peculiar tastes in movies. I love sword and sorcery movies, but can't stand movies set mostly on water (Zombie being an exception). Pirate movies just suck to me (Goonies an exception). This movie also represents one of my favorite genre of film...the asian black magic/voodoo film. I can't get enough of these. Yet, you put on one of those Haitian voodoo movies like Serpent and the Rainbow and I'm bored shitless.

In this modern retelling, Rockman Cheung is a hardworking cop. He works so hard he barely makes any time for his annoying wife (who calls him like 20 times) and new son. His cop buddy Uncle Bill is one day away from retiring. You know what happens when you announce you're retiring right? If you said get a nice gold watch and a dinner at the Olive Garden, well you're just being an asshole. So Uncle Bill is killed (OHHH NOOOO!) with his chin burned, fat missing, and just really fucked up. Around the same time, somebody goes and gives Rockman's wife and child the old GongTau. The wife can't lay down without feeling pain, and the baby son ends up looking like one of those pickled punks at a sleazy carnival. 

Rockman and his buddy Brother Sum go to some old guy leeting pieces of wood go free and he tells them that he'll remove the curse. He does for a while, but then it comes back stronger than ever.

In all this mix there's a criminal on the loose who can't feel pain, a moley man whose hobbies include jerking off in bowls and detaching his head and letting it float about, and a scorned lover in Thailand who generously allows us to see her butthole.

Six Things I've Learned From Gong Tau

1. This movie doesn't skimp on the gory bits. Mutilated baby, detaching heads, and the coolest blowing a hand off scene this side of Robocop are some highlights

2. Women who let you see their buttholes aren't going to be happy if you keep them waiting.

3. In a battle between a snake, a gecko, a scorpion, a spider, and a centipede, always bet on the creature with the most legs. Trust me on that.

4. There is apparently a big underground market for human fat...but only in Hong Kong. I'm no longer allowed at the local flea market for trying to sell "Happy Dan's Magical Fantastical Fat". Bastards.

5. Have you been looking for a job where you can stay at home, summon dark magic, and jerk off into a bowl for love or profit? Well have I got a job for YOU!

6. The wife annoyed me so much, if I was Rockman Cheung, I would have said "the curse is only on her? Well alright alright alright. We had fun baby, but I's got to go." Of course the movie would have only lasted 20 minutes, but it's a small price to pay for a happy ending.

Hell Baby (2013)

Hell Baby (2013)

Directors: Robert Ben Garant, Thomas Lennon

Stars: Rob Corddry, Leslie Bibb, Keegan Michael Key

Finally! A horror spoof that's actually above the Scary Movie bullshit that brain dead masses seem to lap up like milk that's been out of date for a month and sitting in 100 degree weather in Ecuador. It reminded me more along the lines of a Broken Lizard film filled with people I mostly see on those I Love the 80's VH1 specials they had a few years back. 

An expecting couple move into a run down house in New Orleans that just happens to be haunted as well...by F'resnel (Key), who lives in the crawlspace of the house. Oh, there's also a demon that posses the expecting wife (Bibb). She starts acting a little strange, like speaking in tongues, drinking paint thinner by the quart, and oh yeah ripping out someone's entrails.

Luckily for them, there's a pair of cigarette smoking, sunglasses wearing badass priests who are assigned to their house (played by the directors).

I don't have anything bad to say about this movie. The writing is good, a couple of great gross out moments, and actors that are actually...you know...funny. Fully recommended.

Six Things I've Learned From Hell Baby

1. This movie truly understands my hatred of stacking boxes up too damn high. If you have to look around it, it's too damn high, dummy!

2. I really want a po'boy sandwich. Like right now! Get one for me! ...please?

3. I never want to live in a neighborhood where the old naked wrinkly lady from the Shining can break into my house and...I'll let you see for yourself. Naked old lady....HAIRY naked old lady.

4. Michael Ian Black dies in this so that already makes this an A++ film for me.

5. It's never a good idea to smoke a lot of pot and then drive. You never know when several trashcans will jump out at you going 2mph. Those suicidal trash bastards!

6. This has one of the greatest shower scenes of all time. OF ALL TIME!

Night Vision (1987)

Night Vision (1987)

Director: Michael Krueger

Stars: Stacy Carson, Shirley Ross, Tony Carpenter

Kansas apparently really sucks, because there have been movie after movie in which someone from there makes their way to the big city. Of course they have to be dumb as shit as well. This movie is no different. A dumbass from Kansas moves into the nicest flophouse I've ever seen. He's a writer (wonderful...I love being lumped in with THIS guy) who's trying to sell his stories. Along the way he makes friends with a slimy thief named Vinny, who lets him borrow a VCR. He doesn't tell him the tape in the VCR has a satanic ritual on it, or that it'll cause the poor dope to become possessed and kill folks. What a pal.

The rube also falls in love with the hardened clerk at the video store, which he also gets a job at...I think. the movie's never really clear on that.

I was asked to review this by the friendly owner of the Church of Splatter Day Saints (http://www.splatterday.org/) after seeing the VHS cover I posted last week. It's not a bad movie (much better than Lone Wolf, also done by this director), but I'm blaming her for it anyways.

Six Things I've Learned From Night Vision

1. You may think of satanists as these evil, slit your throat kinda guys, but in this movie they're more like loan sharks who want their money.

2. When you finally give into the advances of that sweet naive person, you might want to wait a few weeks before you become as clingy as saran wrap at a fat swingers party. What am I saying...ALL swinger parties are fat swinger parties.

3. If your VCR is bleeding, either send it back or take the tape of Curse of the Cannibal Confederates out of it...you inhumane monster.

4. Nazi Rectal Roundup may be my new favorite video title.

5. Don't have the guy who falls asleep on the toilet follow somebody who is a possessed serial killer. It'll only end up with the guy crapping himself...on accident this time.

6. If you meet someone and the first thing they say to you is "I wrote a story about you", you can be sure he doesn't mean a Star Trek fan fic. Unless you're in it wearing a red shirt.