Revolt (1986)

Revolt (1986)

Director: J. Shaybany

Stars: Rand Martin, Fattaneh, Guest Star Sepehrnia 

In our second special audio review, We look at a movie so terrible, IMDb refuses to have it on it's site.

Check out this "awesome" fighting clip from Revolt! 

Black River Monster (1986)

Black River Monster (1986)

Director: John Duncan

Stars: Craig Martin, Bruce Phillips, James Larsen

I love shot on video movies. Yes, I'm aware that 99% of them are awful, but there's something about analog video that's soothing to me. Maybe it's because during the mid to late 80's just about anybody could buy a camcorder and make their own movie. And they did. And they somehow suckered video store owners into putting it on their shelves. It amazes me that some sucker ended up renting crap like Death Nurse...even worse, thinking that it's somebody's favorite movie.

Anyway this short (48 minutes) movie was done basically to promote the Black River Farm and Ranch, a camp only for girls. It seems on the up and up since the place still exists, so that's a sigh of relief.  

From everything I've read about this movie (and there isn't much about it online) the story is about  a bigfoot monster  running around throwing shit around in barns and scaring kids. But the real story of this movie is about Leroy. Leroy is a classic fat man character who is about to enjoy his first day at his new job. By enjoy I mean he sleeps in while his look alike mom yells at him to get up.

He hitches a ride with a couple dumb redneck assholes who shake and bake him in the back of their truck to fuck with him. Then they demand money for it! We find out later that they're the main bad guys in this.

Short story made long made short again, Leroy works at the ranch, the monster trashes a barn, the rednecks try to steal shit, and Leroy saves the day. It doesn't drag, and honestly, I like Leroy. He's a dumb, harmless, almost lovable character. I wonder whatever happened to him? Imdb won't tell me. I bribed it and everything. 

Six Things I've Learned From Black River Monster

1. There is a nail biting scene in which Leroy has to catch two goats. Sure, a dead guy with arms and legs ripped off could catch them, but I like to think this is a struggle Leroy goes through everyday.

2. I'm not sure which look was sexier, Leroy in his overalls or when he wears a  too tight safari outfit in his dream.

3. In this alternate universe, locked screen doors are the same as maximum security prison. Aluminum foil? Pure fucking steel, man.

4. Wimp really needs to make a comeback. You know, when you want to hurt someone's feelings without making them feel TOO bad. Go with the softer, gentler insult.

5. When the bad guys get their comeuppance at the hands of Bigfoot, it's quite satisfying. Even moreso when the monster looks like a giant ape puppet with a cat's head attached to it. Hooray for ridiculous attacks!

6. My favorite thing about this film is that one of the bad guys is named Sleaze. That's what he's credited as. He's great. He also looks like a hillbilly version of Charles Manson.

Helter Skelter!

The Tomb VHS Cover

Indiana Rambo and the Temple of Sybil Danning.

Never Too Young To Die (1986)

Never Too Young To Die (1986)

Director: Gil Bettman

Stars: John Stamos, Vanity, Gene Simmons

A high school gymnast with terrific hair (Stamos) is the son of famous spy STARGROVE (Played by blink and you'll miss it Bond George Lazenby). When pops is killed by a crazy hermaphrodite for a disc that'll poison the city's (what city is never said) water supply, Stamos as Lance STARGROVE...What a name...teams up with the dumbest spy ever (Vanity) in order to exact revenge. Add in some Road Warriors minions and the prerequisite asian spy gadget making friend, and you have yourself one hell of a good time.

Six Things I've Learned From Never Too Young To Die

1. Where does one go to get minions? And why wouldn't you pick ones that weren't very bright? Did Velvet put out an ad in the local paper? Maybe that's how she/he got Robert Englund (wearing the dumbest college sweater ever) to help.

2. I was sad that nobody told Velvet to go fuck herself. Really an opportunity wasted.

3. I don't know why, but the scene where Stamos is getting the shit beat out of him (smashing his head in a sink, throwing him through shelves) was really satisfying. I don't even dislike Stamos...it was just fun to watch.

4. If you get shot anywhere near a railing, your body will leap over the railing to your death on impulse. It's science, man.

5. This movie features one of the worst seduction/sex scenes ever. At one point it looks like the movie is trying to fast forward itself during the sex scene.

6. I gotta be honest, if Gene Simmons hadn't played Velvet Von Ragner the way he did, this movie would have just sucked balls. Want proof? Watch this:

No Retreat No Surrender (1986)

No Retreat No Surrender (1986) 

Director: Corey Yuen

Stars: Kurt McKinney, Jean Claude Van Damme, Timothy D Baker 

Despite the box art, this movie doesn't star Jean Claude Van Damme, but Kurt McKinney as all american kid and stalker of the late Bruce Lee, Jason Stillwell. After his family moves to a new town, Jason tries to fit in with a new karate school, but if you've seen Karate Kid, you know that these guys are going to be giant dickheads. After begging the tombstone of Bruce Lee to help him, he actually does and Jason helps saves the asshole Dojo (and his suddenly popping up out of nowhere girlfriend) by battling the evil russian... who IS Jean Claude Van Damme. Dude's in this movie like 15 minutes tops. I hate lying VHS covers. 

Six Things I've Learned From No Retreat No Surrender

1. This film throws us for a loop right off the bat when Jason's dad, getting beat up by some mobsters, actually retreats AND surrenders by moving to another town.

2. Every kid in the 80's was required to have a hip breakdancing friend assigned to them. Jason got one who also enjoys dressing up like Michael Jackson. What a lucky boy!

3. Why is the comic fat guy so disgusted by Jason's Bruce Lee fetish? The fat bastard takes karate himself! Or maybe they just have a good buffet there.

4. The mob guy clapping his hands gleefully like a little girl while Van Damme "breaks" the asshole dojo members is a highpoint.

5. The guy playing Jason's dad, while in reality a real karate champion, would have also been right at home "acting" in an Ed Wood film. So wooden he took a sidejob as paneling on a stationwagon.

6.  The Bruce Lee in this film is played by Tai Chung Kim, who was the stand in for the real Lee when he died during the filming of Game of Death. No truth to the rumor that the cardboard cutout of Lee was originally asked to play Jason's dad.

Sno-Line VHS Artwork

The "What sort of man reads Playboy" Brigade.

True Stories (1986)

True Stories (1986)

Director: David Byrne

Stars: David Byrne, John Goodman, Swoosie Kurtz

David Byrne plays his own weird self as he travels to Virgil, Texas to watch the Sesquicentennial (that means 150th) anniversary of the founding of the town. Along the way he meets some unique characters including Louis Fyne (Goodman) who places television ads for a wife, and a woman who just can't seem to tell the truth.

Six Things I've Learned from True Stories

1. Why isn't there more lip synch karaoke bars around? I would do a mean "Like A Virgin".

2. If you need something (like love or a new jetski) your best bet is to talk to the nice hip voodoo man/butler. He doesn't do windows to the soul.

3. That if people like the "Lying Woman" were near me, they could tell the story about how they got punched in the face by a crazy guy for talking about her secret love affair with Elvis.

4. As artificial as they are, I really miss real malls. None of that outdoor mall bullshit.

5. There is a hideously ugly kid singing with other kids about halfway through the film. See if you can pick him/her/it out.

6. My three piece suit made entirely of grass needs to be mowed at least once a week.