Grizzly (1976)

Grizzly (1976)

Director: William Girdler

Stars: Christopher George, Andrew Prime, A big ass bear

For this special review for the Nature's Fury Blogathon I decided to call in a few favors and have longtime conservation icon Smokey the Bear join me for this review. His comments will be in italics.

  Smokey, I want to thank you for helping me out today. Been a big fan since I was a wee lad in the late 70's.

  Don't put it that way! It makes me sound old. *laughs*

  *laughs* You're only as old as you feel right? 
  

  That's true. Dan, I'm glad you asked me here today because I've wanted to talk about this movie for a long time now.

  I was not aware of that.
  

 Oh yeah. There are some points in this film that I think need to be closely looked at today.

  You mean the movie Grizzly, directed by the late William Girdler in 1976, which stars Christopher George as a park ranger that has to deal with a huge killer bear...
  

  Let me stop you there. That's exactly what I'm talking about.

  What, Christopher George?
  

  No, I'm talking about this ridiculous notion that the title character in this film is a savage ruthless killer, when in fact he's the victim in this.

  Did we watch the same movie? Because I seem to remember the bear being the "bad guy" so to speak in this. I mean, this is after all a Jaws ripoff. An entertaining one for sure, but one nonetheless.

  Why is the bear the bad guy, if I may ask?

  Oh I don't know, maybe walking around and eating a bunch of people. 

  There's the key word, "eat". Bears, like all other living beings, need some sort of food to survive, correct?

  Well...yeah. I guess.

  This so called "killer" needed food to live. And in the woods, sometimes food can be scarce to find. I know I had this one weekend where I was so hungry I ate a tree. You ever eaten a tree?

  I...can't say that I have.
  

  It sucks. So this grizzly is scared and hungry, and here are these humans invading his natural habitat. So of course a bear's going to get desperate. If he hadn't been starving, he probably would have just let those folks know how to put a campfire out when they left.

  With all due respect, I think you're overthinking this a bit.
  

  You need to check your human privilege, meat bag.

  Check my what?
  

  You heard me, asshole. You sit there all smug in your clothing and your hairless bodies...

  You obviously haven't seen my back.
  

  ...Gross. Anyway, you humans have done everything in your power to keep the mighty bear down. Putting us on unicycles, making us wrestle humans, hell even making me wear pants and this dumbass hat. I want my little grizzly to swing free like NATURE intended.

  I'm getting a bit uncomfortable with this, man.
  

  Do I look like your "man"? So you're uncomfortable? GOOD! You should be!

  I don't know what sort of power you think I wield over the bear universe, but I'm not the one doing those things. I just watched this movie, which we're supposed to talk about.
   

 Yeah you watched. And you did nothing about it. Which makes you as bad as Christopher George. How's THAT for talking about the movie!?

  Creative, I admit. But why hate on Christopher George? I mean, this is just a movie! And didn't he cater to the bears by posing nude in Playgirl back in the 70's?
  

  That's an entirely different kind of bear, you moron.

  It is? Huh. So what I was saying is, you're using a movie from 1976 to prove that there is some human agenda to suppress bears?
  

  You damn right there is.

  But you've spent decades helping humans to protect themselves from fires.
  

  I'm not trying to protect you filthy meat bags! I'm trying to make sure you fucknuts don't burn down the woods and kill all my relatives!

  OK, so you want to go down this road, I'm willing to do that. I'd like to mention a certain famous bear that's been allowed to commit crime after crime without any sort of jail time. I'm referring to one Yogi the bear.
  

  Oh here we go...

  Do you or do you not admit that Yogi has been caught, on film no less, multiple times stealing?

   Yes, but it was only picnic baskets. 

  Only picnic baskets? You mean picnic baskets full of food so hungry humans wouldn't starve?
  

  It's not the same thing. You can just go to the grocery store. You ever see a bear in a grocery store? They constantly eye you while you try to find the ripest melons.

  Alright then. I want to bring up something about this movie that really bothered me. In this film, the grizzly kills several people, correct?
  

  Self preservation, but yes.

  I found it quite telling that other than the two main supporting characters, played by Andrew Prine and Richard Jaeckel, and one other ranger, that all the other victims were women?
  

  What do you mean?

  What I mean is, it sure seems like that poor ol' lil grizzly bear sure likes bumping off the ladies. I tend to find that just a wee bit sexist.

 That is preposterous.  

  I don't know. Ripping ladies' arms off, using one as a chew toy in his mouth. Oh, and let's not forget when he mauled that MOTHER who trying to save her CHILD from being an appetizer for this misunderstood bear.
  

  I see what you're doing there, and you're an asshole.

  A toddler, Smokey. Petting a damn cute little bunny rabbit. Did the bear wipe his ass with the rabbit afterwards?
  

  I don't have to take this shit. I'm leaving.

  I think that's for the best. Maybe it's best not to meet one's heroes. They always seem to disappoint.
  

  Fuck you Lashley. Also, don't forget to prevent forest fires. But mainly, fuck you.

Enter The Ninja (1981)

Enter The Ninja (19810

Director: Menahem Golan

Stars: Franco Nero, Susan George, Sho Kosugi

I've always had a fondness for white guys as the hero in martial arts films. It's probably because they look so ridiculous doing the moves, but I love them nonetheless. From the Best of the Best series, No Retreat No Surrender, Anything with Richard Harrison....hell, I even like the Godfrey Ho ones with the guys who have headbands that say ninja on them. So finding out about this film from The Church of Splatterday Saints (Their take on the film is here ), I knew I had to see it.

I was not disappointed.

The story is about Cole (Nero), a white dude becoming a ninja master in Japan, much to the chagrin of his schoolmate Hasegawa (the eyeliner lovin Kosugi). He leaves there to go visit his old 'Nam buddy in the Phillipines, where he finds out that a greedy rich bastard (the scenery chewing Christopher George) is trying to forcibly take his buddy's land. They're running off the locals from the place (ruining many a cockfight) with the help of a comic hook handed character. Very rarely do you ever see a guy with a hook that isn't a comedy character....well unless they're leaving the hook in the side of the car.

So Cole, his buddy, and his buddy's Olivia Newton John clone of a wife (Susan George) keep the assholes at bay, as they fight the evil Christopher George and his new hired ninja...HASEGAWA!. Will Cole defeat his rival? Will his buddy and his wife end up happy together? Will Christopher George act in anything? And will the guy with the hook ever get unstuck from that wooden post he was stuck on? All these answers in more in the next....SOAP. 

Six Things I've Learned From Enter The Ninja

1. Say what you will about the bad guys, but their white suits sure do make em look snazzy...even when they get their own blood on them.

2. For some reason, they pick up some old guy selling watches and nudie pics (probably from Susan George films) to help out against the bad guys. Because when I need help fighting off small groups of hired thugs, I enlist the elderly. Well...I actually do do that, but the results aren't quite the same as they are in this film. Never give an old lady a rocket launcher....not if you are attached to your car....or the people in it. Stupid old lady.

3. When you and your ninja master buddy go out and kick some people's asses, the best way of saying thank you to him is by sending your wife over to his room to have sexual relations with him. It show you care, it shows she cares, and he'll be enjoying himself so much he won't care that he's boning your wife. That's friendship.

4. If you live at the top of a high rise building and you own a pool, do you get many complaints? I can just imagine being the guy who lives one floor down and having his dinner ruined by leaking chlorine filled water and people funk. That steak was expensive, you bastard!

5. Ridiculous Customs #421: When your buddy arrives, always have a cock fight ready to go.I don't mean penis swords, I meant two roosters fighting to the death. Animal violence is okay, but penis touching...no way, Jose!

6. If you're like me, you like going on the youtubes to watch bad movie clips. If you do, then you know about the greatest death scene ever. You know...the one where the guy gets a ninja star to the chest, and while he's falling down he looks at the camera and shrugs before dying? The man throwing the star is our hero Franco Nero and his shrugging target...none other than Christopher George. Yes, THIS is the movie that scene came from. 

For those of you who haven't seen it, then I am disappointed with you. You can watch it now or not have any dessert later. It's for your own good.

Pieces (1982)

Pieces (1982)

Director: Juan Piquer Simon

Stars: Christopher George, Linda Day George, Paul Smith

A crazy chainsaw killer is cutting up women at a local college and stealing the body parts to make themselves the prototype of the live doll. The curly headed guy from Pod People shows his penis, and Paul Smith still looks like Bluto. Watch for an awesome reaction from Linda Day George. Guess Christopher married her to make himself look subtle.

Six Things I've Learned from Pieces

1. Sometimes it's best to just let the kid jerk off to his naked lady puzzle.

2. They have a class with a waterbed in it. I heard final exams could be...hard. Hee Hee.

3. If you are large, angry looking, and constantly fondling a chainsaw, don't be shocked when people think you are a serial killer.

4. Christopher George and Spock's dad Sarek make a great team.

5. Instead of people who could catch a killer, like police officers, the better solution would be to use a goofy college kid and a tennis champion. That makes much more sense.

6. Hey, you're gonna get your penis clawed off by a woman made out of other ladies' parts. What do you think about that?

"It stinks!"

City of The Living Dead (1980)

City of The Living Dead (1980)

Director: Lucio Fulci

Stars: Christopher George, Catriona MacColl, Carlo De Mejo

In the first of Fulci's trilogy (the others being The Beyond and House By The Cemetery), a preacher hangs himself, waking up a bunch of dead folk and generally cause mayhem and mischief himself. A reporter, a woman who previously died, and a therapist who dates high school girls set out to stop it. Brains are squished like one of those stress relieving balls. It's pretty neat-o.

Six Things I've Learned from City of The Living Dead

1. That ain't Nestle's strawberry syrup dripping into that milk!

2. Don't pet old dead ladies because they bite and then lay around in your kitchen for no reason.

3. Never let Christopher George help you out of a coffin.

4. Teenage guy smoking pot in a car with a teenage girl = drill in the head. Forty year old therapist dating a teenage girl = welcome with open arms.

5. Zombies don't run here, instead they've mastered the art of teleportation.

6. He's psychotic, he's so needing...he'll get your little eyeballs bleeding. Throwing up all your insides, he's got...EVIL PREACHER EYES!