The Visitor (1979)

The Visitor (1979)

Director: Giulio Paradisi

Stars: John Huston, Glenn Ford, Lance Henriksen

So apparently Space Satan was being a real bastard when Space God sent tons of birds to fight him. Space Satan, instead of turning into a Space cannon, turns into an eagle and kills most of them before becoming mortally wounded himself. He then decides to have sex with LOTS of women so his seed can carry out his plan to break shit and be assholes to the world. At least that's what Space Jesus is telling a group of bald children.

So Space God (Huston) comes in and says there's a demon he has to get...which is in the form of the bitchiest 8 year old girl ever created. She blows up basketballs, makes shit fall, and plays pong a lot.  Seems there's a plan for the Bad Seed to have a baby brother, whether the mother wants one or not. The Space demon/Illuminati sends the always sweet faced Lance Henriksen to do the job. When that doesn't work they go all date rapey.

Throw in Shelley Winters as the new housekeeper to the mom and devil child. She knows the score and proceeds to slap this little demon around...hopefully for our amusement. All this is going on while Space God is casually just strolling around without a care in the world.

I was VERY hesitant to watch this last night, figuring it to be another of those boring late 70's space movies where people talk A LOT. I was wrong...oh so very wrong. This movie is a glorious insane mess. How in the world they got John Huston, Glenn Ford, Mel Ferrer, Shelly Winters and Sam Peckinpah to be in this I'll never know.

Alamo Drafthouse Films has recently released a blu ray of this fantastic mess. So by all means pick this up. Here's a trailer to give you a taste of madness.

Six Things (I Think) I Took from The Visitor

1. If you're on the trail of a devil child and pissing her off, maybe when she sends her asshole hawk to peck your eyes out while you're driving maybe it's best if you instead of weaving at full speed between cars that you hit that bigger pad. It's called a "brake". It does things like stop so you can deal with your nasty little hawk pecking out your eyeballs problem.

2. Never in the history of cinema has there ever been as exciting an ice skating scene as the one in this film. Watch demon child knock motherfuckers with bad hair all over the place! See these assholes fail to beat up an 8 year old girl! Slow motion crashing free of charge!

3. At one point a space semi stops and we end up with a very disturbing scene I like to call "Close Encounters of the Rape Kind" as the Space Illuminati proceeds to impregnate the mom themselves. Not cool space demons...not cool.

4. I love Space God's theme music. It's like some cross between an action packed chase scene and the 6 O'Clock News. Here's Space Jesus with Action Weather!

5. I like that Shelley Winters does all this shit to help out Space God, including killing that pesky hawk that murdered Glenn Ford, and when she asks to go up to space Heaven is told "thanks for your help, now fuck off". Maybe Space God didn't say it exactly like that, but you could tell he was thinking it. Space jerk.

6. This movie makes no damn sense. So the whole purpose of Obi WannabeGod was to wander around Atlanta, let an innocent woman, whose only crime was having sex with Space Satan and having a demon seed, get shot in the spine (ON PURPOSE), plays pong with the demon child, lets the mom get beaten up multiple times, and unleashes more birds than a Prince video to do his dirty work....all so he can take demon kids to space Heaven? Why did Space God go and not hippie Space Jesus (an uncredited Franco Nero)? And why is everyone bald but these two?  Is it so they don't have competition for space chicks!? How many times do I have to write space in this article!?

Enter The Ninja (1981)

Enter The Ninja (19810

Director: Menahem Golan

Stars: Franco Nero, Susan George, Sho Kosugi

I've always had a fondness for white guys as the hero in martial arts films. It's probably because they look so ridiculous doing the moves, but I love them nonetheless. From the Best of the Best series, No Retreat No Surrender, Anything with Richard Harrison....hell, I even like the Godfrey Ho ones with the guys who have headbands that say ninja on them. So finding out about this film from The Church of Splatterday Saints (Their take on the film is here ), I knew I had to see it.

I was not disappointed.

The story is about Cole (Nero), a white dude becoming a ninja master in Japan, much to the chagrin of his schoolmate Hasegawa (the eyeliner lovin Kosugi). He leaves there to go visit his old 'Nam buddy in the Phillipines, where he finds out that a greedy rich bastard (the scenery chewing Christopher George) is trying to forcibly take his buddy's land. They're running off the locals from the place (ruining many a cockfight) with the help of a comic hook handed character. Very rarely do you ever see a guy with a hook that isn't a comedy character....well unless they're leaving the hook in the side of the car.

So Cole, his buddy, and his buddy's Olivia Newton John clone of a wife (Susan George) keep the assholes at bay, as they fight the evil Christopher George and his new hired ninja...HASEGAWA!. Will Cole defeat his rival? Will his buddy and his wife end up happy together? Will Christopher George act in anything? And will the guy with the hook ever get unstuck from that wooden post he was stuck on? All these answers in more in the next....SOAP. 

Six Things I've Learned From Enter The Ninja

1. Say what you will about the bad guys, but their white suits sure do make em look snazzy...even when they get their own blood on them.

2. For some reason, they pick up some old guy selling watches and nudie pics (probably from Susan George films) to help out against the bad guys. Because when I need help fighting off small groups of hired thugs, I enlist the elderly. Well...I actually do do that, but the results aren't quite the same as they are in this film. Never give an old lady a rocket launcher....not if you are attached to your car....or the people in it. Stupid old lady.

3. When you and your ninja master buddy go out and kick some people's asses, the best way of saying thank you to him is by sending your wife over to his room to have sexual relations with him. It show you care, it shows she cares, and he'll be enjoying himself so much he won't care that he's boning your wife. That's friendship.

4. If you live at the top of a high rise building and you own a pool, do you get many complaints? I can just imagine being the guy who lives one floor down and having his dinner ruined by leaking chlorine filled water and people funk. That steak was expensive, you bastard!

5. Ridiculous Customs #421: When your buddy arrives, always have a cock fight ready to go.I don't mean penis swords, I meant two roosters fighting to the death. Animal violence is okay, but penis touching...no way, Jose!

6. If you're like me, you like going on the youtubes to watch bad movie clips. If you do, then you know about the greatest death scene ever. You know...the one where the guy gets a ninja star to the chest, and while he's falling down he looks at the camera and shrugs before dying? The man throwing the star is our hero Franco Nero and his shrugging target...none other than Christopher George. Yes, THIS is the movie that scene came from. 

For those of you who haven't seen it, then I am disappointed with you. You can watch it now or not have any dessert later. It's for your own good.