Enter The Ninja (1981)

Enter The Ninja (19810

Director: Menahem Golan

Stars: Franco Nero, Susan George, Sho Kosugi

I've always had a fondness for white guys as the hero in martial arts films. It's probably because they look so ridiculous doing the moves, but I love them nonetheless. From the Best of the Best series, No Retreat No Surrender, Anything with Richard Harrison....hell, I even like the Godfrey Ho ones with the guys who have headbands that say ninja on them. So finding out about this film from The Church of Splatterday Saints (Their take on the film is here ), I knew I had to see it.

I was not disappointed.

The story is about Cole (Nero), a white dude becoming a ninja master in Japan, much to the chagrin of his schoolmate Hasegawa (the eyeliner lovin Kosugi). He leaves there to go visit his old 'Nam buddy in the Phillipines, where he finds out that a greedy rich bastard (the scenery chewing Christopher George) is trying to forcibly take his buddy's land. They're running off the locals from the place (ruining many a cockfight) with the help of a comic hook handed character. Very rarely do you ever see a guy with a hook that isn't a comedy character....well unless they're leaving the hook in the side of the car.

So Cole, his buddy, and his buddy's Olivia Newton John clone of a wife (Susan George) keep the assholes at bay, as they fight the evil Christopher George and his new hired ninja...HASEGAWA!. Will Cole defeat his rival? Will his buddy and his wife end up happy together? Will Christopher George act in anything? And will the guy with the hook ever get unstuck from that wooden post he was stuck on? All these answers in more in the next....SOAP. 

Six Things I've Learned From Enter The Ninja

1. Say what you will about the bad guys, but their white suits sure do make em look snazzy...even when they get their own blood on them.

2. For some reason, they pick up some old guy selling watches and nudie pics (probably from Susan George films) to help out against the bad guys. Because when I need help fighting off small groups of hired thugs, I enlist the elderly. Well...I actually do do that, but the results aren't quite the same as they are in this film. Never give an old lady a rocket launcher....not if you are attached to your car....or the people in it. Stupid old lady.

3. When you and your ninja master buddy go out and kick some people's asses, the best way of saying thank you to him is by sending your wife over to his room to have sexual relations with him. It show you care, it shows she cares, and he'll be enjoying himself so much he won't care that he's boning your wife. That's friendship.

4. If you live at the top of a high rise building and you own a pool, do you get many complaints? I can just imagine being the guy who lives one floor down and having his dinner ruined by leaking chlorine filled water and people funk. That steak was expensive, you bastard!

5. Ridiculous Customs #421: When your buddy arrives, always have a cock fight ready to go.I don't mean penis swords, I meant two roosters fighting to the death. Animal violence is okay, but penis touching...no way, Jose!

6. If you're like me, you like going on the youtubes to watch bad movie clips. If you do, then you know about the greatest death scene ever. You know...the one where the guy gets a ninja star to the chest, and while he's falling down he looks at the camera and shrugs before dying? The man throwing the star is our hero Franco Nero and his shrugging target...none other than Christopher George. Yes, THIS is the movie that scene came from. 

For those of you who haven't seen it, then I am disappointed with you. You can watch it now or not have any dessert later. It's for your own good.