Avalon (1989)

Avalon (1989)

Director: Michael J. Murphy

Stars: Rob Bartlett, Abigail Blackmore, Patrick Oliver

It's been a while since I've done a review, so I went into my vast collection of films to pick something suitable. My eye was caught by Avalon, a low budget sword and sorcery flick that has a lot of ties to the King Arthur legend...sort of. 

While I was watching, I kept noticing how familiar Merlin looked, until it dawned on me that this was the same guy who played the killer in one of my most popular reviews, Bloodstream. So I looked up the director of that film, and lo and behold, it's the same guy!

The movie's heroes are Owen, a slightly pudgy Conan type, Clotilde, which isn't some sort of disease but a maiden, and Keiran, the world's worst thief. They all seek the mysterious island of Avalon for different reasons and are helped along by Merlin.Yes, that Merlin. Sometimes as an old man, most of the time as a young warrior. Avalon is ruled by Morgana, not of the kissing bandit variety, and her band of average looking women (and a couple of goofy eunuchs). 

Can our heroes defeat Morgana? Will Clotilde find her missing love? And what the hell is Old Gregg doing on the island? He's got a mangina.

Knowing it's a Michael J. Murphy film, I immediately know that the budget is around forty pounds (or thirty in wildly inaccurate US dollars). However, there's a real charm in this movie. The sets are pretty imaginative, and despite all the flaws this is a pretty fun eighty minute time waster. 

The whole film is up on YouTube for those who wish to venture forth to Avalon.

Things I Took From Avalon

-Never carry golden apples around. You'll almost die in a small puddle of water and then watch your buddies juggle those now normal apples right in front of you. I can stand almost dying in 3 feet of water, but juggling? No way!

- They really missed out not having the Old Gregg looking monster drink Bailey's from a shoe.

- Druids are a bunch of assholes led by a guy doing a bad Jesus cosplay wearing a Christmas wreath on his head. I bet Stonehenge was just a building they were too stupid to finish. 

- This movie has some of the funniest fight scenes ever seen in a sword and sorcery flick. Everyone is trying so hard to neither hurt each other nor break their fake weapons that it comes off like Renaissance Fair outtakes.   

-Merlin becomes a wizard whore by sleeping with the Lady in the Lake in exchange for Excalibur. 

- Gotta admit I liked the reverse motion on the chains moving around. Very smooth.

-Gotta also admit, that Michael J. Murphy is equally as bad at doing stop motion animations. The herky jerky dragon being solid proof of that.

-We get some boobs in this, and that's cool, but please space out your love scenes a bit more. having three, almost four, one right after another just made me a little ill.

-Bit disturbed to see Merlin peeking through a wall at Owen having sex with Morgana (whom Merlin used to love). His grunting and only seeing him from behind makes me think he's pulling his own little sword. I'm surprised he didn't put his penis through the hole like in Porky's.

- As disturbing as that was, it pales when Merlin realizes he hadn't slept with Morgana but one of her laughing lady friends. His response to that? He sexually assaults her. Rape ain't magic Merl...it's simply wrong.

- As disjointed as the plot got, I really enjoyed this film. I'm now on a quest to seek out Michael J. Murphy's other films. I hope there's no wizard rape in them.

YOU'LL GO BLIND, MERLIN!

Bloodstream (1985)

Bloodstream (1985)

Director: Michael J. Murphy

Stars:  Patrick Olliver, Jacqueline Logan, Mark Wells

I love getting a hold of rare movies. For the most part, there's a pretty damn good reason why they are considered rare, but it's the thrill of the hunt that I enjoy. I started out with more well known stuff like Death Bed and 555, but as time goes on, I'm getting weirder and weirder stuff. 

My last review, Black River Monster, has an IMDB listing but no actors listed. Bloodstream however, has no IMDB listing. I know it's not hard to get one considering all the porn and wrestling pay per views that get listed on there. Hell, I even have an IMDB listing. So of course I had to see what the mystery was about this movie.

This super 8mm film out of England is one of those typical slasher films, with the killer in some kooky costume. The story is this director makes a bad horror film that the distributor doesn't like. The director gets fired and he sits at home watching more bad movies. But wait! Turns out the distributor is a right bastard because he goes ahead and releases the film. So his scheme was:

1. Fund film

2. Fire Director

3. Release film

4. Profit!

At least he had a full plan of action there.

So the receptionist, with pounds notes in her eyes, tells the director about it and convinces the poor dope to start offing everyone close to the distributor. Oh, and because he's arty, he has to film it as well.

There's some nudity in there, and the gore is pretty good for the obviously low budget this film had. It drags because of all the video watching, but otherwise an enjoyable film.

Six Things I've Learned From Bloodstream

1. Horror movie rule #41: If you've had a hand in ruining someone's life, do NOT by any means, start bench pressing weights at random times of the day. The weights will be used against you in a negative manner. Just consider it a cheat day...a cheating death day.

2. You know you're in a first class distributor's office when the walls are lined with random people's headshots.

3. The sleazy distributor looks an awful lot like the Master from Manos. If he had better help taking care of the place, that crazy director wouldn't have broken into it so easily.

4. You ever wanted to see how this director would have handled other kinds of films? This movie is like a personal demo reel for the real director. There's a Mad Max clone, an Exorcist clone, and more. My favorite is the movie within the movie about a guy getting boarded up in the flimsiest made wooden jail like structure so he won't get out when he turns into a ridiculous werewolf. The werewolf costume is so bad Spencer's gifts wouldn't sell it half off. SPOILER: He gets out.

5. I really hope "Awaken Zombie" "Return of Lucifer" and "Cobra Kill!" are real movies.

6. If your ultimate plan to get money is to make some poor dope a serial killer, don't be so damn surprised when you find out he starts to really enjoy it. Chastising him on his evidence disposal methods will not lead to anything good for you health wise. 

"I didn't see this coming!"