Paranormal Asylum: The Revenge of Typhoid Mary (2013)

Paranormal Asylum: The Revenge of Typhoid Mary

Director: Nimrod Zalmanowitz

Stars: Aaron Mathias, Laura Gilreath, Nathan Spiteri

I am a moron. You would think after 100 Ghost Street that I'd learn my lesson about watching new horror on Netflix. But I am the guy who willingly watched Chain Letter, so I really shouldn't be shocked.

At least this movie attempts to go outside of the now generic found footage cliche of a bunch of morons trapped in some ugly old building they have no business being in getting killed. I even saw some pretty nice camera shots. Hell, some of the acting wasn't all that bad. I wanted to add more positive stuff, but to be honest I don't have any.

The story is two buddies plan a documentary about Typhoid Mary. Girlfriend wants to help so she does a seance. Now what do you think happens to her?

A. She realizes that all that incense is giving her a headache and goes to bed

or

B. She becomes possessed by Typhoid Mary

I won't spoil it...well not blatantly, but I think you can figure out the answer. This movie made me seriously think about cancelling my Netflix account.

Six Things I've Learned From Paranormal Asylum: The Revenge of Typhoid Mary

1. Girlfriend possessed? That's cool. It'll be like doing two chicks at the same time.

2. I just remembered another positive thing about this movie...unlike 100 Ghost Street, where they made shit up about Richard Speck willy nilly, this one is pretty accurate about Typhoid Mary. Gotta give them props for doing their research.

3. Why introduce a character that's made out to be important, but ends up dying THREE FUCKING MINUTES AFTER YOU INTRODUCE THEM!? And who the hell killed this character!? WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS MOVIE!?!?!

4. Please don't have your non possessed characters all be bi-polar. Screaming one minute and then calmly talking the next. Best example is the random fat TV's Frank lookalike who goes from creaming his pants over an old bottle of drugs to acting like he's going to stab the two main guys for having it. Stop chewing the scenery, you already ate most of it.

5. Not everything scary that happens needs to have the word Paranormal tacked onto it. I'm waiting on such films as Paranormal Mediocrity, Paranormal Radiology, and Paranormal Paranormalty.

6. As a screenwriter myself, I can honestly say this script is horrible. What could have been a very promising film is ruined not only by the inane dialogue that is spoken by the actors (badly I might add), but the simple fact that you never are clear about what the hell is going on until AFTER it's already happened. And that's only half the time. The rest of the time you're stuck with your thumb up your ass. I was making up explanations as the movie went on. In my version, Typhoid Mary was living in some old island with the muppets, while the two guys were randomly killing off everyone they met so they could get their money and put on that off off broadway musical they always wanted to do about Mary. Made a hell of a lot more sense than what I saw.