Night Vision (1987)

Night Vision (1987)

Director: Michael Krueger

Stars: Stacy Carson, Shirley Ross, Tony Carpenter

Kansas apparently really sucks, because there have been movie after movie in which someone from there makes their way to the big city. Of course they have to be dumb as shit as well. This movie is no different. A dumbass from Kansas moves into the nicest flophouse I've ever seen. He's a writer (wonderful...I love being lumped in with THIS guy) who's trying to sell his stories. Along the way he makes friends with a slimy thief named Vinny, who lets him borrow a VCR. He doesn't tell him the tape in the VCR has a satanic ritual on it, or that it'll cause the poor dope to become possessed and kill folks. What a pal.

The rube also falls in love with the hardened clerk at the video store, which he also gets a job at...I think. the movie's never really clear on that.

I was asked to review this by the friendly owner of the Church of Splatter Day Saints (http://www.splatterday.org/) after seeing the VHS cover I posted last week. It's not a bad movie (much better than Lone Wolf, also done by this director), but I'm blaming her for it anyways.

Six Things I've Learned From Night Vision

1. You may think of satanists as these evil, slit your throat kinda guys, but in this movie they're more like loan sharks who want their money.

2. When you finally give into the advances of that sweet naive person, you might want to wait a few weeks before you become as clingy as saran wrap at a fat swingers party. What am I saying...ALL swinger parties are fat swinger parties.

3. If your VCR is bleeding, either send it back or take the tape of Curse of the Cannibal Confederates out of it...you inhumane monster.

4. Nazi Rectal Roundup may be my new favorite video title.

5. Don't have the guy who falls asleep on the toilet follow somebody who is a possessed serial killer. It'll only end up with the guy crapping himself...on accident this time.

6. If you meet someone and the first thing they say to you is "I wrote a story about you", you can be sure he doesn't mean a Star Trek fan fic. Unless you're in it wearing a red shirt.