The Apple (1980)

The Apple (1980)

Director: Menahem Golan

Stars: Catherine Mary Stewart, George Gilmour, Grace Kennedy

I admit to being a sucker for movie musicals of the 70's/early 80's. Grease, Phantom of the Paradise, even the Wiz has it's charm (in a weird way). So when I had a chance to watch The Apple, I thought "I really need to review something so why not".

Immediate regret.

The Apple is about a future (well...1994) where the world is pretty much run by a record label, BIM. this global dictatorship is run by the "mysterious" Mr. Boogaloo. No I'm not kidding. Great name for your lead villain, Golan. Apparently he surrounds himself with people so camp, drag queens would think they were gaudy.

I...got nothing.

So these wide eyed kids from Moosejaw, Alphie and Bibi enter an American Idol like contest, and when they seem to be winning, BIM goes into action. They rig the contest and then offer contracts to our heroes. Bibi accepts but Alphie knows that something is wrong and tries to stop it. He fails pretty badly several times. 

Eventually they get back together with the help of some hippies and they everyone sings songs that you forget three minutes after hearing them. The plot is a mishmash of several other more popular musical films, and to be honest, I didn't give a shit about any of these people. I don't give a shit about anyone who was involved with this movie and hope that they have to watch this on a loop for the rest of their lives while wearing a tiny silver bananna hammock.

Six Things I Took From The Apple (non STD edition)

1. The vehicles in this film were all created using the drawings of every 8 year old boy ever made. LOTS OF HEADLIGHTS! SHARP CORNERS EVERYWHERE! GET THOSE FUCKING FINS ON THAT STATION WAGON STAT!

2. Nothing says evil like a fey middle aged tracksuit wearing Doug McClure lookalike dancing around.

I wasn't kidding.

3. Take one part Jesus Christ Superstar, throw in a dash of Grease, and spill some Faust into it for this trainwreck of a movie

4. There's one song called "I'm Coming For You" that takes place when one of the bad guys tries to seduce Alphie in a giant room filled with people pretending to be having sexual relations on multiple beds. In case you were wondering, the title of the song is probably meant to be taken literally...or if it was a Slade song it'd be "I'm Cumming For You".  I imagine that's what Studio 54 was like in the 70's.

5. In 1994, we're all suppose to be wearing clothing so shiny that some people will get jobs laying in front of people's car windshields to keep the sun out.

6. I know I'm spoiling the ending, but fuck it.. This movie ends the only logical way it does...with God coming out of the sky in a gold fancy car and taking Alphie, Bibi, the hippies, and at least a couple of the Village People away. Yes, it's the Disco Rapture. So the Devil (it's a much better name than Mr. Boogaloo) tells God (using a goofy fake name as well) "You can't live without me" to which "God" says "Fuck you buddy, you go make out with your creepy Grace Jones looking guy-who-hangs-out-at-the-laundromat-with-no-laundry like sidekick and your ugly bald vampire security" and struts away. Fuck you Golan, and Globus too for good measure.

Sweet ride, isn't it?

Enter The Ninja (1981)

Enter The Ninja (19810

Director: Menahem Golan

Stars: Franco Nero, Susan George, Sho Kosugi

I've always had a fondness for white guys as the hero in martial arts films. It's probably because they look so ridiculous doing the moves, but I love them nonetheless. From the Best of the Best series, No Retreat No Surrender, Anything with Richard Harrison....hell, I even like the Godfrey Ho ones with the guys who have headbands that say ninja on them. So finding out about this film from The Church of Splatterday Saints (Their take on the film is here ), I knew I had to see it.

I was not disappointed.

The story is about Cole (Nero), a white dude becoming a ninja master in Japan, much to the chagrin of his schoolmate Hasegawa (the eyeliner lovin Kosugi). He leaves there to go visit his old 'Nam buddy in the Phillipines, where he finds out that a greedy rich bastard (the scenery chewing Christopher George) is trying to forcibly take his buddy's land. They're running off the locals from the place (ruining many a cockfight) with the help of a comic hook handed character. Very rarely do you ever see a guy with a hook that isn't a comedy character....well unless they're leaving the hook in the side of the car.

So Cole, his buddy, and his buddy's Olivia Newton John clone of a wife (Susan George) keep the assholes at bay, as they fight the evil Christopher George and his new hired ninja...HASEGAWA!. Will Cole defeat his rival? Will his buddy and his wife end up happy together? Will Christopher George act in anything? And will the guy with the hook ever get unstuck from that wooden post he was stuck on? All these answers in more in the next....SOAP. 

Six Things I've Learned From Enter The Ninja

1. Say what you will about the bad guys, but their white suits sure do make em look snazzy...even when they get their own blood on them.

2. For some reason, they pick up some old guy selling watches and nudie pics (probably from Susan George films) to help out against the bad guys. Because when I need help fighting off small groups of hired thugs, I enlist the elderly. Well...I actually do do that, but the results aren't quite the same as they are in this film. Never give an old lady a rocket launcher....not if you are attached to your car....or the people in it. Stupid old lady.

3. When you and your ninja master buddy go out and kick some people's asses, the best way of saying thank you to him is by sending your wife over to his room to have sexual relations with him. It show you care, it shows she cares, and he'll be enjoying himself so much he won't care that he's boning your wife. That's friendship.

4. If you live at the top of a high rise building and you own a pool, do you get many complaints? I can just imagine being the guy who lives one floor down and having his dinner ruined by leaking chlorine filled water and people funk. That steak was expensive, you bastard!

5. Ridiculous Customs #421: When your buddy arrives, always have a cock fight ready to go.I don't mean penis swords, I meant two roosters fighting to the death. Animal violence is okay, but penis touching...no way, Jose!

6. If you're like me, you like going on the youtubes to watch bad movie clips. If you do, then you know about the greatest death scene ever. You know...the one where the guy gets a ninja star to the chest, and while he's falling down he looks at the camera and shrugs before dying? The man throwing the star is our hero Franco Nero and his shrugging target...none other than Christopher George. Yes, THIS is the movie that scene came from. 

For those of you who haven't seen it, then I am disappointed with you. You can watch it now or not have any dessert later. It's for your own good.