Black River Monster (1986)

Black River Monster (1986)

Director: John Duncan

Stars: Craig Martin, Bruce Phillips, James Larsen

I love shot on video movies. Yes, I'm aware that 99% of them are awful, but there's something about analog video that's soothing to me. Maybe it's because during the mid to late 80's just about anybody could buy a camcorder and make their own movie. And they did. And they somehow suckered video store owners into putting it on their shelves. It amazes me that some sucker ended up renting crap like Death Nurse...even worse, thinking that it's somebody's favorite movie.

Anyway this short (48 minutes) movie was done basically to promote the Black River Farm and Ranch, a camp only for girls. It seems on the up and up since the place still exists, so that's a sigh of relief.  

From everything I've read about this movie (and there isn't much about it online) the story is about  a bigfoot monster  running around throwing shit around in barns and scaring kids. But the real story of this movie is about Leroy. Leroy is a classic fat man character who is about to enjoy his first day at his new job. By enjoy I mean he sleeps in while his look alike mom yells at him to get up.

He hitches a ride with a couple dumb redneck assholes who shake and bake him in the back of their truck to fuck with him. Then they demand money for it! We find out later that they're the main bad guys in this.

Short story made long made short again, Leroy works at the ranch, the monster trashes a barn, the rednecks try to steal shit, and Leroy saves the day. It doesn't drag, and honestly, I like Leroy. He's a dumb, harmless, almost lovable character. I wonder whatever happened to him? Imdb won't tell me. I bribed it and everything. 

Six Things I've Learned From Black River Monster

1. There is a nail biting scene in which Leroy has to catch two goats. Sure, a dead guy with arms and legs ripped off could catch them, but I like to think this is a struggle Leroy goes through everyday.

2. I'm not sure which look was sexier, Leroy in his overalls or when he wears a  too tight safari outfit in his dream.

3. In this alternate universe, locked screen doors are the same as maximum security prison. Aluminum foil? Pure fucking steel, man.

4. Wimp really needs to make a comeback. You know, when you want to hurt someone's feelings without making them feel TOO bad. Go with the softer, gentler insult.

5. When the bad guys get their comeuppance at the hands of Bigfoot, it's quite satisfying. Even moreso when the monster looks like a giant ape puppet with a cat's head attached to it. Hooray for ridiculous attacks!

6. My favorite thing about this film is that one of the bad guys is named Sleaze. That's what he's credited as. He's great. He also looks like a hillbilly version of Charles Manson.

Helter Skelter!