Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Hollywood's New Blood (1988)

Hollywood's New Blood (1988)
Director: James Shyman
Stars: Bobby Johnston, Francine Lapensée, Joe Balogh

In slasher films, there must be three things in it for it to be a good kills and nudity. You can sacrifice one of these two and maybe come out with something passable, but take them both out and you have Hollywood's New Blood.

A bunch of terrible actors are at some acting seminar in a cabin in the woods. A big mulleted, stiff as a board Brawny Man (minus the porn stach) named Brad tells the story of how the wrong building was rigged up for a movie scene and accidentally blew up the place this cabin is now standing on. It killed everyone except three brothers who are out wandering the woods with greasepaint on their faces and murder in their hearts. 

People start dying off, but any chance of having any cool deaths are shattered when you realize that they ALWAYS CUT TO A REACTION SHOT WHEN THE KILLING STARTS! I'm sure it's because the filmmakers were too stupid to know how to do the simplest of tasks, but can you at least SHOW the fucking knife going into the victim. It ruins my enjoyment of their deaths.

Six Things I've Learned From Hollywood's New Blood

1. I find it funny that the movie takes place during an acting seminar, when it's clear that none of the people in this movie actually know how to act. Very meta.

2. Some of the worst screaming comes from this movie. In one scene our morons thinks one of their friends are getting killed only to see her in the throes of passion...which for this movie is two jackasses under a cover. So when she screams for real, everyone thinks she's playing with her boyfriend's donkey kong. A better scream would have stopped that. I wonder if they make those nose opening strips for throats?

3. This movie clocks in at an hour and 17 minutes, but feels like it's as long as watching all three extended versions of Lord of the Rings. The last 14 minutes of this movie is nothing but credits and an extended recap of EVERYTHING YOU JUST FUCKING SAW! There's so much padding in this movie that they can put it in the walls of the nuthouse suite I'll be staying at because of this shitheap!

4. The acting coach's method is to "take a break". Things getting heated ...take a break. Cue cards not high enough to read? Take a break. Getting murdered by ugly grease painted hillbillies? I'll be in the break room.

5. I get that this is yet in another looooong line of people in the woods getting slaughtered movie,and that's fine, but if you're going to film the woods, at least realize the differences between the sounds of crickets chirping or bullfrogs croaking, and the goddamn rain forest that you decided to insert instead. There ain't no damn monkeys in them woods!

6. I will give this movie one tiny piece of credit. The way the final bad guy gets his may just be one of the funniest and most ridiculous ways to die  I have ever seen. Brawny Man shoves the skull of the bad guy's mother into the bad guy's face and...well look for yourself...

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