Friday, September 6, 2013

Gong Tau (2007)

Gong Tau (2007)
Director: Herman Yau
Stars: Mark Cheng, Maggie Siu, Suet Lam

I have very peculiar tastes in movies. I love sword and sorcery movies, but can't stand movies set mostly on water (Zombie being an exception). Pirate movies just suck to me (Goonies an exception). This movie also represents one of my favorite genre of film...the asian black magic/voodoo film. I can't get enough of these. Yet, you put on one of those Haitian voodoo movies like Serpent and the Rainbow and I'm bored shitless.

In this modern retelling, Rockman Cheung is a hardworking cop. He works so hard he barely makes any time for his annoying wife (who calls him like 20 times) and new son. His cop buddy Uncle Bill is one day away from retiring. You know what happens when you announce you're retiring right? If you said get a nice gold watch and a dinner at the Olive Garden, well you're just being an asshole. So Uncle Bill is killed (OHHH NOOOO!) with his chin burned, fat missing, and just really fucked up. Around the same time, somebody goes and gives Rockman's wife and child the old GongTau. The wife can't lay down without feeling pain, and the baby son ends up looking like one of those pickled punks at a sleazy carnival. 

Rockman and his buddy Brother Sum go to some old guy leeting pieces of wood go free and he tells them that he'll remove the curse. He does for a while, but then it comes back stronger than ever.

In all this mix there's a criminal on the loose who can't feel pain, a moley man whose hobbies include jerking off in bowls and detaching his head and letting it float about, and a scorned lover in Thailand who generously allows us to see her butthole.

Six Things I've Learned From Gong Tau

1. This movie doesn't skimp on the gory bits. Mutilated baby, detaching heads, and the coolest blowing a hand off scene this side of Robocop are some highlights

2. Women who let you see their buttholes aren't going to be happy if you keep them waiting.

3. In a battle between a snake, a gecko, a scorpion, a spider, and a centipede, always bet on the creature with the most legs. Trust me on that.

4. There is apparently a big underground market for human fat...but only in Hong Kong. I'm no longer allowed at the local flea market for trying to sell "Happy Dan's Magical Fantastical Fat". Bastards.

5. Have you been looking for a job where you can stay at home, summon dark magic, and jerk off into a bowl for love or profit? Well have I got a job for YOU!

6. The wife annoyed me so much, if I was Rockman Cheung, I would have said "the curse is only on her? Well alright alright alright. We had fun baby, but I's got to go." Of course the movie would have only lasted 20 minutes, but it's a small price to pay for a happy ending.

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