KISS Meets the Phanton of the Park (1978)

KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park (1978)

Director: Gordon Hessler

Stars: Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, Ace Frehley, Anthony Zerbe

The rock mega group KISS is playing at a local theme park, and everyone's excited. Everyone except Abner Devereoux, creator of the park's many animatronic wonders. When Abner makes duplicates of the makeup marvels, they must battle to see who getsa the groupies first. Spoiler: Neither Catman gets any groupies.

Six Things I've Learned from KISS Meets the Phanton of the Park

1. These guys know how to make an entrance. You won't see Steve Perry walking down a slope of laser blasts created from his own eye. Advantage Starchild.

2. So Abner turned some guy into his henchman/robot so he could be a photographer for Teen Beat? I hope he got Paul's dreamy side.

3.  When the robot KISS starts singing the crowd gets angry and boos them. Weird thing is, they don't really sound any different than their normal stuff (and I'm a fan).

4. If you notice,the Demon doppelganger that's laying on Abner's table has a woman's head placed directly in the eye line of his crotch. I don't believe that wasn't on purpose for a moment.

5. No truth to the rumor that KISS thought about replacing Ace with his black stunt double.

6. Not something learned, but a question...were Abner's creations really robots, or were they made up of asshole customers? I mean, heads, legs, torsos...Abner Frankenstein is more like it.

Master Blaster VHS Artwork

This "Trucker's little buddy" gun is available at all Sleazco Travel Plazas and at various gun and knife shows...usually in the section filled with upcoming sex offenders.

Teenage Exoricst (1991)

Teenage Exorcist (1991) 

Director: Grant Austin Waldman 

Stars: Brine Stevens, Eddie Deezen, Michael Berryman 

 A college grad student moves into an old mansion and is soon beset by evil demons who possess her and make her life a living hell. 

Six Things I Learned from Teenage Exorcist: 

1) Teenage exorcists get kick-ass theme music! 

2) Bargain houses come with free snakes. 

3) Demonic spirits love to crush milk cartons. 

4) The game of tag is vastly enhanced with chainsaws. 

5) Priests can turn humans into dogs. 

6) Zombies love card tricks!

Wide Weird World of Cult Radio is Here!

I know a lot of you are like me in that you don't just enjoy cult movies, but you enjoy the music in them as well. So I've decided to put a show together that provides cult movie music (and some cult TV music from time to time) along with some cool cult movie radio spots. Listen, enjoy, and feel free to send me requests or suggestions to wideweirdworldofcult@gmail.com .

Now stop reading and listen!

Track Listing

Intro (Street Fighter Theme)

Duel Duet (Shock Treatment) - Cliff DeYoung

The Boob Tube Radio Spot

End Credits (Buckaroo Banzai)- Michael Boddicker

Opening Title (Pieces)

www.deepredrum.com Ad

 Little Red Riding Hood (Private School) - Sam the Sham

Rocky Horror Picture Show Radio Spot

The Hell of It (Phantom of the Paradise)- Paul Williams

Casual Thing (Quicksilver) - Fiona

www.freakinawesomenetwork.com Ad

Dare (Transformers- The Movie)- Stan Bush

Pickup on 101 Radio Spot

The Boss (Black Caesar)- James Brown

Theme from Gojira (Godzilla)

Beyond the Door Radio Spot

Sounds of Unreality (City of the Living Dead)-Fabio Frizzi

Ecstasy of Gold (The Good The Bad and the Ugly) - Ennio Morricone

Wide Weird World of Cult Films Ad (shameless plug)

Dentist (Little Shop of Horrors) - Steve Martin

Ballad of Harry Warden (My Bloody Valentine) - John McDermott

Gates of Hell Radio Spot (City of the Living Dead's Alternate title)

Opening of Burial Ground

Bodyslam (Bodyslam)- Debbie Lytton

In Dreams (Blue Velvet)- Roy Orbison

Destroy All Monsters Radio Spot

You Belong to Me (The Jerk) - Steve Martin and Bernadette Peters

Show Close

Words from Buckaroo Banzai

Blood Massacre (1991)

Blood Massacre (1991)

Director: Don Dohler

Stars: George Stover, Robin London, James DiAngelo

Filmed in: Baltimore, Maryland

A gang of inept robbers, lead by the "charming" Rizzo (Stover), rob a video store and screw it up. When the gang forces a girl to take them to her house, they meet a family that is more than their match. Muffled voices, bad skin, and twist endings abound,

Six Things I've Learned from Blood Massacre

1. Rizzo is a sex icon. The sexual  tension he causes in every woman he talks to (they disguise it as being repulsed) could not only be cut with a knife, it could be served for lunch with leftovers for dinner.

2. Robbing a bank in a shopping center is a bad idea, but robbing a video store full of people is perfect.

3. This film has the least appealing shower scene ever. Peeping Rizzo doesn't help matters.

4.  Don Dohler had a real aversion to creating any characters that are the least bit likable.

5. It's tough to look like a tough 'Nam vet when you're wearing a Kim Carnes t-shirt.

6. As charmless as the characters are, Dohler's film itself has a cool grimy charm to it. I just need to take an unerotic shower now. No Rizzos allowed.

Las Vegas Bloodbath (1989)

Las Vegas Bloodbath (1989)

Director: David Schwartz

Stars: Ari Levin, Rebecca Gandara, Barbara Bell
Filmed in: Las Vegas, Nevada

Sammy is a happy man...making deals, buying new cars, expecting a kid. But his world is turned upside down (and inside out) when he catches his giant mulletted wife having sex with a security guard. What does he do? File for divorce? Take the car back? Or cut her head off and walks around with it as luggage? He also randomly kills people and terrorizes the worst baby shower ever.

Six Things I've Learned from Las Vegas Bloodbath

1. Driving down the street with the severed leg of a "daytime whore" tied to your bumper arouses no suspicion in Vegas.

2. Never EVER put a 25 minute baby shower sequence with the Beautiful Ladies Oil Wrestling in it. BLOW indeed.

3. Oil wrestlers cannot afford tables.

4. No matter how "cool" you make it look, no bookie will take bets on fetus tossing.

5. What happens in Vegas, should not be filmed with a camcorder and sold to video stores.

6. Any movie is enhanced with this song...

Blood Rage (1987)

Blood Rage (1987)

Director: John Grissmer 

Stars: Louise Lasser, Mark Soper, Julie Gordon 

Filmed In: Jacksonville, FL

This is a better-than-average slasher that has languished in obscurity, probably because it was not released until four years after it was made. Or maybe I just have bad taste.

In Jacksonville, Florida, in the 70s, a bratty kid (Mark Soper) manages to frame his twin brother (also Soper) for a horrific killing. Now it's the 80s, and the "good" twin escapes from the asylum where he has been locked up lo these many years. It's also Thanksgiving, but something more than a turkey is gettin' carved this year in the River City! Which twin is really the killer? Louise Lasser plays their long-suffering mom, and she doesn't save the fruitcake for Christmas. Oh boy.

Six Things I've Learned from Blood Rage

1. Ted Raimi does not want any STDs at his favorite drive-in theater, so wrap that thang up!

2. A machete can cut through a psychiatrist like a hot knife through butter.

3. If you want to get busy with a guy who has a twin, make sure of which twin you're propositioning. Actually, never mind that. Nobody can ever tell twins apart, not even their mother.

4. Dead bodies are totally moldable and posable.

5. When there is a killer on the loose, the quickest way to find him is to use yourself as the bait by making the beast with two backs outdoors in the open; just don't forget to get up and capture him when he shows up.

6.The best way to deal with stress is to sit by yourself on the kitchen floor and eat leftovers out of the open refrigerator. No joke!

The Icebox Murders VHS Artwork

"Hey guys, the light really does go out when you close the door!"

The Dark Power (1985)

The Dark Power (1985)

Director: Phil Smoot

Stars: Lash Larue, Anna Lane Tatum, Cynthia Bailey
Filmed In: Belews Creek, North Carolina

After an old indian passes away, his grandson rents the house out to some college girls. What they don't know is that the house rest on the burial ground of four Toltec priests, and they are coming back to raide the fridge...and kill people. But friendly ranger Lash Larue sees the problem come along and whips it...whips it good.

Six Things I've Learned from The Dark Power

1. The town is so small that their leading news story is showing footage of a dying old Indian's impression of Charles Foster Kane.

2. A whiny fat kid can easily outrun four or five angry dogs.

3. Lash Larue looks like a badass Santa Claus. No wonder the ladies want to try out his "whip".

4. I would totally watch a movie starring Earl (Paul Holman) , the fat redneck plumber in this film. I could see him in his leather jacket, driving around killing monsters and wet farts.

5. I wonder if the dumb racist roommate ran away from the Toltec priests because they were scary, or because they weren't white.

6. Toltec apparently means "Native American Three Stooges". "An axe to the chest eh? Why I oughta...:"

Hauntedween (1991)

Hauntedween (1991)

Director: Doug Robertson

Stars: Brien Blakely, Blake Pickett, Brad Hanks

Filmed : Bowling Green, Kentucky (My hometown. Go Toppers!)

Twenty years ago (in the film), some creepy kid in a crappy mask kills a teenage girl and cuts her head off at a haunted house. In the present day (when mullets were king AND queen of the prom) a fraternity needs to raise some money for their charter. When they get a mysterious offer to run a haunted house to raise money, they're just stupid enough to do it. This is Darwinism at work for the benefit of mankind. Also chubby stripper boobs courtesy of Yankee Doodles (long since closed)

Six Things I've Learned from Hauntedween

1 You can only take so many sarcastic comments about your mask before you snap and start cutting off heads.

2. Every fraternity needs a horny Barney Fife character.

3. When doing a house renovating montage, always have the theme song to the movie handy on CD.

4.  Make sure you have your quota of 30 year old balding fraternity members.

5. You can  easily tell who has the real accents and who don't. Looking right in your direction Blake Pickett.

6. Some characters will do anything to get out of this film including driving a flaming van.

Next Week: Regional Horror Film Week!

Next week the Wide Weird World of Cult Films takes a look at those classic (or not so classic) regional horror films that may have scared the pants off some kid in Jacksonville, but almost unknown to everyone but the most hardcore of Cult Creatures. Five...count them...14235 fantastic flicks to learn six lessons from.

The current lineup next week is:

Monday: Hauntedween

Tuesday: The Dark Power

Wednesday: Blood Rage

Thursday: Las Vegas Bloodbath

Friday: Blood Massacre

Tell your twitter friends, your facebook friends, hell tell that nosy neighbor next door currently watching your sister/brother in the shower with binoculars. You'll thank me later. It'll probably be years down the line, but there will be thanks, oh yes.

Sno-Line VHS Artwork

The "What sort of man reads Playboy" Brigade.

Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror (1981)

Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror (1981)

Director: Andrea Bianchi 

Stars: Karin Well, Peter Bark, Mariangela Giordano

A lonely professor brings back long dead monks, who repay their gratitude by eating the idiot. Of course Professor Genius invites three couples (and one strange looking midget with an Oedipus complex) to his home to be chased and slaughtered by these zombie monks. What a pal!

Six Things I've Learned from Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror

1. Screaming "I'M YOUR FRIEND!" doesn't really work with zombies. They're lifeist against people with fresh internal organs. And they don't have friends.

2. If you find out someone you love is a zombie, please do not offer it a body part that you may in fact need later.

3. While having a hot makeout session with your girl is a fun (and educational) activity, you might want to keep your eyes peeled for some zombie crawling out of the ground fifteen feet in front you. Just to be safe.

4. First rule of a zombie attack.barricade yourself in the house. Do not, repeat, DO NOT, get into your car and get the hell out of there. That's not giving the zombies a chance.

5. So a zombie somehow threw a spike in your hand with remarkable accuracy and is now raising a scythe to do some damage to yer noggin...what do you do? A) move around as best you can and grab the extra long scythe with your free hand to avoid decapitation or B) casually lay your head forward and let the zombies enjoy a brain treat with no fight?

6. We're screwed man. We're so freakin screwed. Game over.

True Stories (1986)

True Stories (1986)

Director: David Byrne

Stars: David Byrne, John Goodman, Swoosie Kurtz

David Byrne plays his own weird self as he travels to Virgil, Texas to watch the Sesquicentennial (that means 150th) anniversary of the founding of the town. Along the way he meets some unique characters including Louis Fyne (Goodman) who places television ads for a wife, and a woman who just can't seem to tell the truth.

Six Things I've Learned from True Stories

1. Why isn't there more lip synch karaoke bars around? I would do a mean "Like A Virgin".

2. If you need something (like love or a new jetski) your best bet is to talk to the nice hip voodoo man/butler. He doesn't do windows to the soul.

3. That if people like the "Lying Woman" were near me, they could tell the story about how they got punched in the face by a crazy guy for talking about her secret love affair with Elvis.

4. As artificial as they are, I really miss real malls. None of that outdoor mall bullshit.

5. There is a hideously ugly kid singing with other kids about halfway through the film. See if you can pick him/her/it out.

6. My three piece suit made entirely of grass needs to be mowed at least once a week.

Digital Man VHS Artwork

Digital Man hates Particle Man.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)

Director: Mel Stuart

Stars: Gene Wilder, Jack Albertson, Julie Dawn Cole

Charlie, a poor boy with a heart of gold, finds the final golden ticket that allows him to visit the factory of the strange recluse Willy Wonka. Along with four other kids that should be placed in a cannon and shot out at high speeds, they find a world of candy trees, chocolate rivers and orange indentured servants who sing. All aboard the boat of nightmares!

Six Things I've Learned from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

1. When the guy running the candy shop is singing and tossing out free candy like there's no tomorrow, don't just stand outside the window like some poor sad dope. Get some damn candy Charlie!!

2. If your grandparents haven't left the bed in 20 years, you live in a shack, and have cabbage water for dinner, singing "Cheer Up Charlie" isn't going to do jack shit.

3. Don't talk to strange men who hang outside of chocolate factories and apparently only sells meat cleavers from a cart. That's not the least bit creepy.

4. If burping made you fall lower when you drink fizzy lifting drinks, would farting shoot you into space...or at least your parent's ceiling fan?

5. Willy Wonka only shops at places where stuff is half off. Get it? HAW HAW HA..shut up.

6. That people who run amusement parks are stupid. Why hasn't anyone licensed a Willy Wonka nightmare fuel boat ride? I'd ride the hell out of something showing chickens being decapitated!

Coonskin (1975)

Coonskin (1975)

Director: Ralph Bakshi 

Stars: Barry White, Charles Gordone, Scatman Crothers 

Live-action sequences of a prison break bracket the animated story of Brother Rabbit, Brother Bear, and Preacher Fox, who rise to the top of the crime ranks in Harlem by going up against a con-man, a racist cop, and the Mafia. 

Six Things I Learned from Watching Coonskin 

1. Cartoons are the best way to tackle racism. Just ask Bugs Bunny. 

2. Preachers will make sermons even if no one is listening. 

3. Natural cotton sweaters rule! 

4. Miss America has the Clap. 

5. Fat men are hard to bury. 

6. There's nothing wrong with sex unless you get excessive with it.

The Burning VHS Artwork

No shit.

Pieces (1982)

Pieces (1982)

Director: Juan Piquer Simon

Stars: Christopher George, Linda Day George, Paul Smith

A crazy chainsaw killer is cutting up women at a local college and stealing the body parts to make themselves the prototype of the live doll. The curly headed guy from Pod People shows his penis, and Paul Smith still looks like Bluto. Watch for an awesome reaction from Linda Day George. Guess Christopher married her to make himself look subtle.

Six Things I've Learned from Pieces

1. Sometimes it's best to just let the kid jerk off to his naked lady puzzle.

2. They have a class with a waterbed in it. I heard final exams could be...hard. Hee Hee.

3. If you are large, angry looking, and constantly fondling a chainsaw, don't be shocked when people think you are a serial killer.

4. Christopher George and Spock's dad Sarek make a great team.

5. Instead of people who could catch a killer, like police officers, the better solution would be to use a goofy college kid and a tennis champion. That makes much more sense.

6. Hey, you're gonna get your penis clawed off by a woman made out of other ladies' parts. What do you think about that?

"It stinks!"

The Redeemer Son of Satan VHS Artwork

You can just tell how proud the Prince of Darkness is with his precious offspring. "That's MY spawn!"

Vampire Girl Vs Frankenstein Girl (2009)

Vampire Girl Vs Frankenstein Girl (2009)

Director:s: Yoshihiro Nishimura and Naoyuki  Tomomatsu

Stars: Yukie Kawamura , Takumi Saito, Eri Otoguro

A new transfer student tricks a putz into eating a chocolate, which complicates things with his current girlfriend. People start to go missing, limbs are torn off like paper mache, and I swear I saw a ribcage squish someone's head. Oh, and the transfer student is a vampire. I'm glad my school only had dumb rednecks in it.

Six Things I've Learned from Vampire Girl Vs Frankenstein Girl

1. Racial sensitivity is not this film's strong suit. See the Dark Girls Club.

2. Vampire blood has the ability to make nails even harder for me to hit. Like I need help.

3. I need an Igor of my own. I wonder if there's any listings for them on Craigslist.

4. In the same vein (get it? HAW HAW HAW) as American cities having "sister cities" from other countries, this film's sister movie would be Class of Nuke Em High

5. All mad scientists should be made to wear kabuki makeup and makes lots of funny faces. Also nametags.

6. I usually try not to swear on this blog, but man are Japanese people really fucked up.

Grave Secrets VHS Artwork

 

It's not really a bad cover per se, but I enjoy the little picture of David Warner looking at you as if he's disappointed that you rented this movie. "For shame."

Prince of Darkness (1987)

Prince of Darkness (1987)

Director: John Carpenter

Stars: Donald Pleasence, Lisa Blount, Alice Cooper

The Catholic Church and Donald Pleasence are keeping the devil in a 7 million year old jar in a Los Angeles church basement. When the devil becomes disturbingly active, a team of scientists working for Victor Wong try to quantify ol' Scratch; unfortunately, they are soon under siege by both Satan on the inside and a bunch of possessed homeless people led by Alice Cooper (whose hair looks great here) on the outside. Best of all, everyone in the church starts having the same dream: a creepy transmission of a video from the then-future of the 90s warning them of something they'd find out about if all the crap going on would let them sleep long enough to get that far in the dream. I am not ashamed to say that I think Prince of Darkness is John Carpenter's best work. 

Six Things I've Learned from Prince of Darkness

1. "A nice Chinese restaurant" is an obscure euphemism for an orgasm. 

2. Susan is a radiologist with glasses. 

3.Jesus was an extraterrestrial. 

4.They didn't have differential equations 2000 years ago!! 

5.You can stave off demonic possession just long enough to cut your own throat by singing "Amazing Grace" and laughing manically.

6.When you're trapped in a closet by two demon possessed women, the best thing to do is make wisecracks. That way the other people in the building will hear you and come to your rescue. 

Bonus fact:.  No matter what appendage you chop off of the devil's favorite possessed lady, it will grow right back.

Invitation to Hell VHS Artwork

Faster Halitosis, Kill! Kill!

Slugs (1988)

Slugs (1988)

 Director: Juan Piquer Simon 

Stars: Michael Garfield, Kim Terry, Philip MacHale 

Killer slugs on the rampage in a rural community. 

 6 Things I Learned from Watching Slugs 

1. This was based on a novel. No lie! 

2. Slug attacks are more brutal than the Vietnam War. 

3. Slugs can cause explosions. 

4. Even slugs punish those that have sex. 

5. Eating slugs can cause your head to explode. 

6. You can set fire to a sewer.

Lady Street Fighter VHS Artwork

Jack finds out that "laying some pipe" could also be a bad thing.