Fangs (1981)

Fangs (1981)

Director: Mohammed Shebl

Stars: No clue. I can't read Egyptian

Turkey is apparently not the only country that enjoys ripping off American movies. This entry from Egypt is a wild and wacky copy of that perennial midnight movie, the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

the director picks and chooses what he liked about Rocky Horror because instead of the transsexual Transylvania Frank-N-Furter, we end up with DRACULA as the main bad guy. He does have fabulous hair though. There's a Brad and Janet duo and a sort of Riff Raff hunchback, but Magenta and Colombia have been replaced with a large black vampire guy. Oh, and there's also a narrator throughout the film like the Criminologist, although this guy looks like a drunk veteran newspaper reporter.

Much like the Turkey films, this one starts out pretty straightforward, but then it veers right into Absurdville. What I could make of the plot is the fake Brad and Janet break down and arrive at Dracula's castle. He proceeds to put her under his spell and people dance badly to awful musical numbers. Fake Brad is upset but hey, what can you do? It's fucking Dracula, man.

Six Things I Took From Fangs

1.If you don't quite have the budget to recreate the "Science Fiction Double Feature" like opening, probably not the best idea to just paint the guy's head black.

2. Various songs ripped off for this movie includes the Munsters theme, Jaws theme, James Bond theme, and the Pink Panther theme.

3. The dancers in this movie look like they are as inspired to dance as a fat kid going to fat camp. Horrible choreography that any senior citizen group with broken hips could replicate. I did like that the party guests all looked like people going to a KISS concert that have only learned about KISS 5 minutes before putting on their makeup. "Hey look...I'm the Starcat!"

4. So Dracula, trying to go to the woman he desires, decides to go outside and crawl UP the damn castle wall. You own the damn place man, just walk up the stairs! Save the climbing nonsense for when you go to those outdoorsy type stores with the douchebags climbing the fake rock wall.

5. We get it movie, you love Rocky Horror. You don't have to have one of the characters actually put on a shirt with the RHPS poster on it.

6. This movie is an hour and forty minutes. It should have been like eighty minutes because there's a weird twenty minute sequence that randomly places our fake Brad and Janet at different points of their married lives. Life's shitting on them and there's Dracula all over the place...playing a repairman, a cab driver, probably a juggling narcoleptic veterinarian too (I sorta tuned out). The fake Criminologist laughs at each scenario. Why was this needed!? It totally took me out of the story of Dracula showing fake Brad and Janet fake Bergman videos on his small television. I'm not kidding about that.

Here's a clip someone uploaded on Youtube. Don't worry about the lack of subtitles...they don't help.

Get Crazy (1983)

Get Crazy (1983)

Director: Allan Arkush

Stars: Malcolm McDowell, Daniel Stern, Stacey Nelkin

From the goofy head of Allan Arkush, director of Rock N Roll High School, comes this "off the wall" comedy about a concert on New Years Eve. Someone thought it'd be a good idea to make Daniel Stern a leading man. That person was proven wrong. 

there's the barest of plots about a crazy concert promoter who looks like a coked out Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys trying to blow up the building the concert is in. It's one of those multi storyline ensemble piece like Dazed and Confused and Thank God It's Friday that just doesn't seem to work. Like Hoochie Cootchie Man? You better because they play that damn song three times in three different ways...each version worse than the last.

But boy does Malcolm McDowell make one hell of a Mick Jagger.

Six Things I've Learned From Get Crazy

1. Happy to see my buddy Jimmy the giant Joint in this film. It's neat and sorta tragic to see a giant pot cigarette snuffed out in the prime of life. Guess it's better to burn out than to fade away.

2. If you encounter a bathroom shark, by all means let it use the mirror. He'll eat that guy who sits in the bathroom expecting you to pay money to wash your own damn hands and you won't be held hostage by an old man and a paper towel.

3. If I had "watch a sterotypical jewish blues band" on my bucket list, I could now cross it off. Of course if I had it on a bucket list I should probably shorten the list to hurry death up.

4. So they let Lee Ving "sing" and they stick Lou Reed in a cab writing awful songs in a nowhere plotline. Should have told me everything.

5. If some alien drug dealer pops out of nowhere with an electrified suitcase, do NOT take the drugs. I know the cocaine octopus is cute, but he ain't under the sea, he's up yer nose.

6. I witnessed the first heart to heart talk between a man and his penis. Well put on film anyways. Me yelling at my penis to stop being pee shy in the bathroom of Longhorn's probably doesn't count.

Can't Stop The Music (1980)

Can't Stop the Music (1980)

Director: Nancy Walker

Stars: The Village People, Valerie Perrine, Steve Guttenberg

I...I don't know where to start. This movie is obviously a vehicle for the late 70's super disco group the Village People. The "plot" little as there is, is basically a retelling of how they got together. Perrine is a former supermodel living with the goofiest songwriter in history (Guttenberg). They decide to put a group together with the help of Perrine's lawyer boyfriend, Bruce Jenner. Yes, that Bruce Jenner. Acting like a low rent Christopher Reeves and going from suits to a half shirt in the blink of an eye.

Everyone involved in this film should issue an apology for taking part in this.

Six Things I've Learned From Can't Stop the Music

1. This movie was directed by the quicker picker upper lady. I'm serious. There's not enough Bounty to clean up this mess.

2. The running time is TWO FUCKING HOURS LONG. This movie had so much padding in it I took a nap on it for a half hour.

3. This film goes out of its way to not mention that these guys are gay. "Weird" or "Out There" were a couple of words used instead.

4. This movie uses the classic movie rule of the horny female friend looking for men. Of course in a movie where the only straight guy in the film is taken (And no one can tell me Guttenberg wasn't gay in this), this might be a problem. Also she looka likea man.

5. I never want to see Bruce Jenner in daisy dukes and a half shirt ever again.

6. The video below made me 20% gayer than I already was (was at a reasonable 3%). I've seen the scene in Shortbus where the guy sucks his own dick, and it's not as gay as this scene.

The Gayest Movie Scene in History by alabastertnt

Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny (2006)

Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny (2006)

Director: Liam Lynch

Stars, Jack Black, Kyle Gass, JR Reed

Young JB runs away from home and joins up with a local musician to form the greatest rock band in the world, Tenacious D. With help from their pizza delivering buddy Lee, the duo set out to find the Pick of Destiny, a guitar pick used by all the classical guitar gods and claimed to be made from the tooth of Satan himself! Will they find it? Will Satan be pissed? Will Lee get his car back in one piece?

Six Things I've Learned From Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny

1. I've found a great way to ring doorbells at parties due to this movie.

2. The Devil has an impressive array of sex toys.

3. I would want a dad like Meatloaf if he would berate me in song.

4. I tried working on my power slide, but ended up running into the cat's food and water. the cat was not amused and pooped in my shoes. I wish I had known that before I put my shoes on.

5. If you plan to rock hard, please do so with others in mind. You don't know how messy it is to clean up someone after their head explodes.

6. I have the word "Gaping" on my ass. If anyone out there has the word "Plotholes" on their ass, then we're forming a band.

Shock Treatment (1981)

Shock Treatment (1981)

Director: Jim Sharman

Stars: Richard O'Brien, Jessica Harper, Cliff DeYoung

In the television studios of Denton Television (DTV), Brad and Janet Majors sit with the rest of the fanatics in the stands. But when their lives become part of the programming, Brad ends up in a straitjacket while Janet becomes a reality tv star. Who is behind this...and what's with the creepy blind guy? This continuation of sorts of The Rocky Horror Picture Show spoofs what is known as reality television well over a decade before it starts worming its way into our brains and rotting them.

Six Things I've Learned from Shock Treatment

1. Your In-Laws will sell you out for a nice dream house set

2. I'd like a nurse like Nell Campbell, if only she was a mute.

3. I was to go on tour as a roadie for Oscar Drill and the Bits. 

4. While the atmosphere in Rocky Horror was more fun, I'll dare say that the music here was much better. Yeah I said it. Got a problem? Take a jump to the left and get the hell away from me.

5.  Look for Rik Mayall as "rest Home" Ricky. I was so hoping he'd break out in a Cliff Richard tune...maybe Devil Woman. Those lyrics really have something to say.

6. I truly believe that Bert Schnick is a David Lynch character that ended up in the wrong movie. He seemed better suited in something like Blue Velvet, huffing gas and having sex with ugly prostitutes.

True Stories (1986)

True Stories (1986)

Director: David Byrne

Stars: David Byrne, John Goodman, Swoosie Kurtz

David Byrne plays his own weird self as he travels to Virgil, Texas to watch the Sesquicentennial (that means 150th) anniversary of the founding of the town. Along the way he meets some unique characters including Louis Fyne (Goodman) who places television ads for a wife, and a woman who just can't seem to tell the truth.

Six Things I've Learned from True Stories

1. Why isn't there more lip synch karaoke bars around? I would do a mean "Like A Virgin".

2. If you need something (like love or a new jetski) your best bet is to talk to the nice hip voodoo man/butler. He doesn't do windows to the soul.

3. That if people like the "Lying Woman" were near me, they could tell the story about how they got punched in the face by a crazy guy for talking about her secret love affair with Elvis.

4. As artificial as they are, I really miss real malls. None of that outdoor mall bullshit.

5. There is a hideously ugly kid singing with other kids about halfway through the film. See if you can pick him/her/it out.

6. My three piece suit made entirely of grass needs to be mowed at least once a week.