Never Too Young To Die (1986)

Never Too Young To Die (1986)

Director: Gil Bettman

Stars: John Stamos, Vanity, Gene Simmons

A high school gymnast with terrific hair (Stamos) is the son of famous spy STARGROVE (Played by blink and you'll miss it Bond George Lazenby). When pops is killed by a crazy hermaphrodite for a disc that'll poison the city's (what city is never said) water supply, Stamos as Lance STARGROVE...What a name...teams up with the dumbest spy ever (Vanity) in order to exact revenge. Add in some Road Warriors minions and the prerequisite asian spy gadget making friend, and you have yourself one hell of a good time.

Six Things I've Learned From Never Too Young To Die

1. Where does one go to get minions? And why wouldn't you pick ones that weren't very bright? Did Velvet put out an ad in the local paper? Maybe that's how she/he got Robert Englund (wearing the dumbest college sweater ever) to help.

2. I was sad that nobody told Velvet to go fuck herself. Really an opportunity wasted.

3. I don't know why, but the scene where Stamos is getting the shit beat out of him (smashing his head in a sink, throwing him through shelves) was really satisfying. I don't even dislike Stamos...it was just fun to watch.

4. If you get shot anywhere near a railing, your body will leap over the railing to your death on impulse. It's science, man.

5. This movie features one of the worst seduction/sex scenes ever. At one point it looks like the movie is trying to fast forward itself during the sex scene.

6. I gotta be honest, if Gene Simmons hadn't played Velvet Von Ragner the way he did, this movie would have just sucked balls. Want proof? Watch this:

Wide Weird World of Cult Radio Show #12

Feeling a bit under the weather, Dan sends the gang home and does the show solo. Although he's not feeling well, and he's hitting puberty, Dan still delivers the goods when it comes to cult movie music and trailers. 

Listen here!

Track Listing

Show Opening

Battle Without Honor or Humanity (Kill Bill) - Tomoyasu Hotei

Shake Rattle And Roll (Clue)

Deep Red Rum (www.initforthekills.com) Ad

Makin It (Meatballs) - David Naughton

Clash of the Titans Main Theme

The Evil Trailer

Eels Song - Mighty Boosh

Black Light (Death Note)

Facebook Public Service Announcement

American Way (Bodyslam) - Kick

Suzanne (Mallrats) - Weezer

Dan's Movie Poster Story

Man Behind the Mask (Friday the 13th Part 6) - Alice Cooper

The Inquisition (History of the World Part 1) - Mel Brooks

Blood Diner Trailer

Back to the Future Theme

Never Too Young To Die Intro

Never Too Young To Die - Iren Koster

You Can Be (Garbage Pail Kids Movie)

Galaxy of Terror Trailer

Starman - David Bowie

 Show Closing

Rocketman - William Shatner

KISS Meets the Phanton of the Park (1978)

KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park (1978)

Director: Gordon Hessler

Stars: Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, Ace Frehley, Anthony Zerbe

The rock mega group KISS is playing at a local theme park, and everyone's excited. Everyone except Abner Devereoux, creator of the park's many animatronic wonders. When Abner makes duplicates of the makeup marvels, they must battle to see who getsa the groupies first. Spoiler: Neither Catman gets any groupies.

Six Things I've Learned from KISS Meets the Phanton of the Park

1. These guys know how to make an entrance. You won't see Steve Perry walking down a slope of laser blasts created from his own eye. Advantage Starchild.

2. So Abner turned some guy into his henchman/robot so he could be a photographer for Teen Beat? I hope he got Paul's dreamy side.

3.  When the robot KISS starts singing the crowd gets angry and boos them. Weird thing is, they don't really sound any different than their normal stuff (and I'm a fan).

4. If you notice,the Demon doppelganger that's laying on Abner's table has a woman's head placed directly in the eye line of his crotch. I don't believe that wasn't on purpose for a moment.

5. No truth to the rumor that KISS thought about replacing Ace with his black stunt double.

6. Not something learned, but a question...were Abner's creations really robots, or were they made up of asshole customers? I mean, heads, legs, torsos...Abner Frankenstein is more like it.