The Visitor (1979)

The Visitor (1979)

Director: Giulio Paradisi

Stars: John Huston, Glenn Ford, Lance Henriksen

So apparently Space Satan was being a real bastard when Space God sent tons of birds to fight him. Space Satan, instead of turning into a Space cannon, turns into an eagle and kills most of them before becoming mortally wounded himself. He then decides to have sex with LOTS of women so his seed can carry out his plan to break shit and be assholes to the world. At least that's what Space Jesus is telling a group of bald children.

So Space God (Huston) comes in and says there's a demon he has to get...which is in the form of the bitchiest 8 year old girl ever created. She blows up basketballs, makes shit fall, and plays pong a lot.  Seems there's a plan for the Bad Seed to have a baby brother, whether the mother wants one or not. The Space demon/Illuminati sends the always sweet faced Lance Henriksen to do the job. When that doesn't work they go all date rapey.

Throw in Shelley Winters as the new housekeeper to the mom and devil child. She knows the score and proceeds to slap this little demon around...hopefully for our amusement. All this is going on while Space God is casually just strolling around without a care in the world.

I was VERY hesitant to watch this last night, figuring it to be another of those boring late 70's space movies where people talk A LOT. I was wrong...oh so very wrong. This movie is a glorious insane mess. How in the world they got John Huston, Glenn Ford, Mel Ferrer, Shelly Winters and Sam Peckinpah to be in this I'll never know.

Alamo Drafthouse Films has recently released a blu ray of this fantastic mess. So by all means pick this up. Here's a trailer to give you a taste of madness.

Six Things (I Think) I Took from The Visitor

1. If you're on the trail of a devil child and pissing her off, maybe when she sends her asshole hawk to peck your eyes out while you're driving maybe it's best if you instead of weaving at full speed between cars that you hit that bigger pad. It's called a "brake". It does things like stop so you can deal with your nasty little hawk pecking out your eyeballs problem.

2. Never in the history of cinema has there ever been as exciting an ice skating scene as the one in this film. Watch demon child knock motherfuckers with bad hair all over the place! See these assholes fail to beat up an 8 year old girl! Slow motion crashing free of charge!

3. At one point a space semi stops and we end up with a very disturbing scene I like to call "Close Encounters of the Rape Kind" as the Space Illuminati proceeds to impregnate the mom themselves. Not cool space demons...not cool.

4. I love Space God's theme music. It's like some cross between an action packed chase scene and the 6 O'Clock News. Here's Space Jesus with Action Weather!

5. I like that Shelley Winters does all this shit to help out Space God, including killing that pesky hawk that murdered Glenn Ford, and when she asks to go up to space Heaven is told "thanks for your help, now fuck off". Maybe Space God didn't say it exactly like that, but you could tell he was thinking it. Space jerk.

6. This movie makes no damn sense. So the whole purpose of Obi WannabeGod was to wander around Atlanta, let an innocent woman, whose only crime was having sex with Space Satan and having a demon seed, get shot in the spine (ON PURPOSE), plays pong with the demon child, lets the mom get beaten up multiple times, and unleashes more birds than a Prince video to do his dirty work....all so he can take demon kids to space Heaven? Why did Space God go and not hippie Space Jesus (an uncredited Franco Nero)? And why is everyone bald but these two?  Is it so they don't have competition for space chicks!? How many times do I have to write space in this article!?

Hologram Man (1995)

Hologram Man (1995)

Director: Richard Pepin

Stars: Joe Lara, Evan Lurie, John Amos (for around 10 minutes)

Joe Lara is a pretty boy rookie cop who plays by the rules. Hell he even has the rules in his jacket pocket! So Joe and James Evans from Good Times try to protect a Governor from a crazy revolutionary terrorist who is built like a wrestler and has goofy long braids. Govenor goes down, James Evans goes down (DAMN DAMN DAMN!) and Joe arrests the terrorist (who goes by Slash Gallagher). Suddenly we're in the future (how long I have no idea) and we see that criminals are taken from their bodies and inserted into some giant computer grid wearing a rather too form fitting leotard. Slash's gang has broken him out, but they kinda goofed and let him loose as a walking talking killing hologram dude. Joe, who now sports a beard and wipes his ass with the rules, has to go after him by orders of the corporation that owns Los Angeles. There's more holograms, a guy with one eye, and the worst possible pick for a "genius" hacker I've ever seen.

Six Things I've Learned From Hologram Man

1. Slash Gallagher has most of the best lines, looks like a badass, AND is even more likable than the hero. I think it's just a wacky coincidence that the actor playing Slash co-wrote the script and came up with the story.
 

2. If I had the ability to have runny silly putty molded around me, I'd probably do it as someone that wasn't wanted by the entire city. Maybe a gruff but lovable shop owner who sells plastic souvenirs of Robobcop and Lawnmower Man, two movies this film ripped off (entertainingly I admit) .

3. If you're going to have a hacker genius in your movie, there are probably at least 50,000 better people to pick than the talking Larry, Darryl and Darryl  guy from Newhart.

4. It's probably not in your best interest to tell the guy who did all the hard work for you that you're going to keep being an asshole no matter what...especially if they can easily kill you right there. It's best to drive a few miles first and then call. It's the future, they should have cell phones in their brains by then.

5. The message of this film is not to save a large city (where the only people that live there seem to be cannon fodder policemen and sleazy thugs) or to even stop technology when it falls into the wrong hands, it's to vote. VOTE!

6. Joe Lara may be a terrible actor (he was also in the syndicated Tarzan back in the 90's), but shave the beard, through some makeup on him, strap on some boobs and you'll have a wonderful night and the worst morning after of your life.

See what I mean?

The Psychotronic Man (1979)

The Psychotronic Man (1979)

Directed by (and everything else): Jack M Sell

Stars: Peter Spelson, Curt Colbert, Robin Newton

I put 1979 on here as it's what the IMDb says, but I've seen 1980 and 1975 listed as well. By the look of the film I'm guessing '75 was the shooting date. Anyway, this is about a barber named Rocky who can apparently kill people with his mind. After taking the long way home (a long long cross country trip home), Rocky passes out in his car. He wakes up to find that he's the owner of the first flying car in the US (Repo Man's glowing car was a couple years later). He also has fast forward visions of the future, where ugly people are screaming in his fish eyed face. There's some goofy cops chasing him, and there's a LOT of scenes where nothing happens at all. 

Despite all that, this flick has a certain charm to it that made it oddly enjoyable. Also the inspiration for the greatest zine/books ever, The Psychotronic Video Guide.

Six Things I've Learned From The Psychotronic Man

1.  It's probably not going to help on gas if your drive home consists of driving through several states and requiring that you pull over to rest up for the rest of the trip home.

2. I want a radio station that only plays songs that are 30 seconds long all the time. In all seriousness, the music is one of the best things about this film...that and it's 80 minutes long.

3. I don't care how good a job he does with hair, NEVER get a haircut from a man with a pompadour.

4. This movie must have saved a ton of money on lights because everything is in the damn dark. It does help in the club scene though as everyone there looked like school teachers out on a bender. Or they could have been bears...I'm not sure.

5. If you live in a huge house, and you're forced to have breakfast on a little glass table right in front of the front door, you might want to look into an interior decorator.

6. If a late to the film CIA Agent shows up to tell you to NOT shoot the crazy mind killing barber, the best thing to do is to think "fuck it" and gleefully shoot him down anyways. (SPOILER) Too bad Rocky the Flying Barber flies away.

KISS Meets the Phanton of the Park (1978)

KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park (1978)

Director: Gordon Hessler

Stars: Paul Stanley, Gene Simmons, Ace Frehley, Anthony Zerbe

The rock mega group KISS is playing at a local theme park, and everyone's excited. Everyone except Abner Devereoux, creator of the park's many animatronic wonders. When Abner makes duplicates of the makeup marvels, they must battle to see who getsa the groupies first. Spoiler: Neither Catman gets any groupies.

Six Things I've Learned from KISS Meets the Phanton of the Park

1. These guys know how to make an entrance. You won't see Steve Perry walking down a slope of laser blasts created from his own eye. Advantage Starchild.

2. So Abner turned some guy into his henchman/robot so he could be a photographer for Teen Beat? I hope he got Paul's dreamy side.

3.  When the robot KISS starts singing the crowd gets angry and boos them. Weird thing is, they don't really sound any different than their normal stuff (and I'm a fan).

4. If you notice,the Demon doppelganger that's laying on Abner's table has a woman's head placed directly in the eye line of his crotch. I don't believe that wasn't on purpose for a moment.

5. No truth to the rumor that KISS thought about replacing Ace with his black stunt double.

6. Not something learned, but a question...were Abner's creations really robots, or were they made up of asshole customers? I mean, heads, legs, torsos...Abner Frankenstein is more like it.

Raiders of Atlantis (1983)

Raiders of Atlantis (1983)

Director: Ruggero Deodato

Stars: Christopher Connelly, Gioia Scola, Tony King

A team of scientists working to raise a sunken Russian nuclear submarine on an ocean platform off the coast of Miami, Florida, unearth an ancient Atlantean relic from the sea floor and bring in an expert to make some sense of it. But while attempting to raise the sub, radioactive leakage from its missles triggers the re-emergence of Atlantis, and the resulting tidal wave destroys the platform and leaves only a small group of survivors.

6 Things I Learned from Raiders of Atlantis

1. Architects think it’s a good idea t install windows that lead into other rooms.

2. If you want to hide your face, a newspaper is more efficient than a mask.

3. You can crack a safe with a metal rod.

4. The raiders of Atlantis are bored punk rockers.

5. Fashion in 1994 consisted of Crystal Skull masks. Spielberg and Lucas were late to the party.

6. Atlantis has a higher crime rate than Detroit.

Godzilla vs. Gigan (1972)

Godzilla vs. Gigan (1972)

Director: Jun Fukuda

Stars: Hiroshi Ishikawa, Yuriko Hishimi, Minoru Takashima

Godzilla and Anguiris duke it out with Gigan and King Ghidorah in an amusement park created by cockroaches from another planet. Their plan is to destroy Earth with Gigan and King Ghidorah.

6 Things I Learned From Godzilla vs. Gigan

1. The Homework Monster will ruin your weekends.

2. The best place to hide incriminating tapes is in a train station pay locker.

3. Gigan was born via an exploding crystal.

4. Guns in Japan look like vibrators.

5. Cockroaches will invade Earth to destroy it. Don’t worry, they’ll human costumes from the gift shop first.

6. King Ghidorah is a prick! He zaps his foes in the balls.

Godzilla Vs Biollante VHS Artwork

Godzilla vs Alien Anuses.