Cathy's Curse (1977)

Cathy's Curse (1977)

Director: Eddy Matalon

Stars: Alan Scarfe, Beverly Murray, Randi Allen

Having the reputation of a bad film "expert" (and I use that term as loosely as possible), there are films I hear a ton about. Films like Abby or The Visitor. Cathy's Curse was another one I've heard a ton about...none of it good. But I feel like I need to watch these films, so that you may be spared the pain. Some call me a saint, but most call me a moron.

The beginning shows a little girl and her father driving along when the girl makes daddy swerve out of the way of a fucking rabbit and guess what? Car catches on fire and they die. Did Thumper help them out while they roasted alive? I don't think so.

Cut to however many years later, and a family moves into this groovy old house. The family consists of a dad whose hair looks like a wig put on sideways, a mother who hysterically cries out half her lines, and Cathy, the poor kid who ends up cursed. You can tell she's cursed because she doesn't say much, and the dog hates her. There's also an alcoholic caretaker named Paul and the world's laziest housekeeper.

Cathy finds an ugly ass doll, and if you've seen any number of these films, you know that any dolls left in a house should be immediately burned or sent to someone you hate. Before long, Cathy's making shit break, talking weird, and terrorizing ugly old psychics. Oh, and mom is a total nutcase.

As far as possession films go, it's pretty standard. What makes this stand out amongst all the other Exorcist type ripoffs is that it makes no sense plot wise. Mom's going nuts, Dad's a clueless fucking putz who is oblivious to it all, and it's never explained why the fuck Cathy is possessed and what the evil spirit's mission was. If it's to make shit appear and hang out with drunk old caretakers, well live the dream you crazy bitch.

Things I Took/Learned From Cathy's Curse

- The print I saw was incredibly bad and made everyone look like the color of that sawdust they put on the floor to cover up puke. Come to find out, that's the best print anyone has. Might be for the best.

- Love it when Cathy breaks a bowl and the housekeeper picks up like two or three pieces before saying "there's, that's better". No, let's ignore the thirty or forty large chunks of sharp bowl laying on the ground. That's why you got terminated. By terminated I mean she got thrown out a window. 

- The mom in this film does everything in her power to make the focus on her. From the first scene where she shrilly tells her husband that she's had a nervous breakdown (I'm sure it came as a shock to him) on, she's shown to be batshit insane. Yeah, you may be right about your kid being in danger, but flailing your arms around and having to be institutionalized probably doesn't help your case.

- If your kid starts randomly disappearing and reappearing all over the place, continue to scold them as if nothing is happening. Show them that just because Satan is helping them, YOU are the one in charge.

- You haven't lived until you see a drunken old man and a bratty possessed kid mock a psychic for no good reason. It's how I get rid of those pesky Publishers Clearing House people. I can't cash that giant check, so stop it!

- Satanic devil magic tricks #52: If you walk into the cold lake, when you're pulled out you'll be dry as a bone! Ta-daaaaaaa!

- You know someone is evil when their face turns into a pizza. That's the devil's favorite food. He hates anchovies though.

- This movie's on numerous public domain sets (and also on youtube), but this is one of those movies you need to get a group together to riff on. This scene alone is worth the price of admission and a six pack of cheap beer.

"Extra rare piece of shit" is a terrific insult to call a medium.

Eraserhead (1977)

Eraserhead (1977)

Director: David Lynch

Stars: Jack Nance, Charlotte Stewart, Allen Joseph

While I was only two years old when Eraserhead came out, meaning I didn't see it until about 1990, I probably would have understood it better if I had seen it in 1977, steeped as I was at that time in an endless series of disturbing Sesame Street psychedelic animation shorts. Or at least I would have been better able to just let it flow over me just like a song about living in a capital "I." Or a radiator.

Eraserhead has confounded and delighted cult film fans for over 35 years, but one thing we all understand is that it's not meant to have a traditional narrative, so it's okay to end each viewing scratching your head. You can try and pick apart the symbolism, or you can take it as a surrealist mood piece, but either way, you have to be thankful to this film for launching the feature career of one of America's greatest whackos. Just be glad you're not Henry, flipping between a terrifying reality and even more horrible nightmares, trying to raise a breathtaking baby while being the owner of one of the worst hairstyles of the 1970s. Everything is fine.

Six Things I Learned While Watching Eraserhead

1. The floor in the lobby of Henry's apartment building is a similar pattern to the floor of the Black Lodge in the Twin Peaks universe.

2. The moment where Mary bends down and looks at Henry through the bars at the end of the bed before leaving him alone with the baby calls to mind Bob looking through the bars on Laura Palmer's bed.

3. People speculate about what animal was used to make the deformed baby puppet, but no one seems to realize the baby is actually played by Lowly Worm from the Richard Scarry children's books.

4. When someone has a seizure at the dinner table, just act like nothing has happened, particularly when a seizure pales in comparison to the bleeding stop-motion Cornish game hen you were previously thinking about eating.

5. Babies are much more charming when they laugh than when they cry, unless they are monster babies.

6. We will probably get an explanation from the U.S. government regarding JFK's assassination before we get an explanation from David Lynch about Eraserhead.

Viva Kinevel! (1977)

Viva Kinevel! (1977)

Director: Gordon Douglas

Stars: Evel Kinevel, Gene Kelly, Lauren Hutton

Wow. In the 70's, when people were going nuts over people doing stupid shit like jumping over flaming sharks covered in barbed wire on a unicycle, the king was undoubtedly Robert "Evel" Knievel.  Unfortunately, Kinevel wasn't exactly the most family friendly person around, so I guess his PR guys decided to help his image by portraying him as a sweet kid loving guy. Of course, Kinevel really has no personality so they threw away a lot of money to get stars like Gene Kelly, Red Buttons, Lauren Hutton, and even Leslie Nielson to throw their dignity into the trashcan. Explains why Kelly did Xanadu after this.. 

The plot, as ridiculous as it is, involves a drug pusher (Nielson) paying Kinevel a lot of money to do some shows in Mexico. What Kinevel doesn't know (besides how to act) is that they plan to kill him and use his jumpsuited corpse to smuggle drugs into the country. I'm not kidding. With him is Gene Kelly as his drunk sidekick and Lauren Hutton as a photographer/love interest who apparently is paid to hang out with Kinevel. 

This movie is so awful. AWFUL.

Six Things I've Learned from Viva Kinevel!

1. No matter how much acting talent they put around him, the only expression Evel can pull off is confusion. He also makes any nice thing he does comes off like he wants to punch babies in the face.

2.  What magazine was Hutton working for that she needed to take shots of Kinevel's "last" jump? Dismembered Weekly? RIP Today?

3. By no means do you attempt to make Mexico look any different than the US as far as locations go. Just throw some Mexican banners around and nobody will know that you used the same f'in stadium twice. Well...it might have worked if they didn't use Frank Gifford (in his same outfit) for BOTH stadium jumps.

4. Evel enjoys making his drunk buddies hang out with their wimpy kids. It's a little game he plays.

5. I've always dreamed of the day that a celebrity would violently wake me up at 2am to give me some shitty toys of theirs. It almost happened, but turned out Mickey Rooney was just beating me up for the twenty bucks I owed him.

6. If you know your buddy is going to die  when his bike explodes, it's probably not a good idea to knock him out and do the jump yourself. Maybe just telling the guy would have worked out better. I dunno though...I'm not jumping over shit.

Saturday Night Fever (1977)

Saturday Night Fever (1977)

Director: John Badham

Stars: John Travolta, Karen Lynn Gorney, Many bad outfits

Tony Manero (Travolta) is just a young man trying to make the best of his life. He's also a wildman, doing things like eating pizza  folded together and strutting his stuff down random streets carrying paint cans. When he's not telling people to not touch his hair, he's at the 2001 Odyssey, where he is the Lord of the Dance there.  Along the way, he has to fight off a love starved groupie, hang out with his priest brother, tries to make it with a girl even more deluded than he is, and a bridge jumping friend with an afro sure to keep him afloat,

There's dancing, the Bee Gees invade our heads for a lifetime, and...more dancing. There's a story in there too. I promise. 

Six Things I've Learned From Saturday Night Fever

1. Discos hire the most unenthusiastic strippers. I haven't seen this lack of enthusiasm since I saw that stripper dancing at Shoneys. I think that was a stripper. Oh God...

2. Karen Lynn Gorney's character is a flawed one. She knows her life is crap, but she likes to pretend it isn't. She also the second most annoying character in the movie.

3. If you throw yourself at Tony Manero long enough, he'll let his friends take a crack at you in the backseat of a car. What a generous human being!

4. Guys who run dance studios make it with all the ladies. These sexual predators must be one two stop stop stopped!

5. I was sad to see the Priest brother leave. I was hoping he'd stay and become the Disco Priest. A glittery collar...bell bottom robes...a holy afro.  "And on the Sixth Day, He said...' shake shake shake your bootay'"

6. I admit that I love this film. Tony isn't a bad person, he 's just caught between what he loves to do and the realities of his life. He makes mistakes but wants to improve. However, there is Staying Alive. Fuck it, Tony Manero is pure evil!