Potpourri (2011)

Potpourri (2011)

Director: Elliot Diviney

Stars: Ryan Kiser, Mike Borka, Shannon McDonnough

After picking some less than stellar selections on Netflix, I decided to see if my wife could pick a better choice. This is the movie she chose.

A group of college students have one night to finish their term papers amd turn it in. Seems like an impossible task? Well of course it does. So how do you cope with trying to do a deeply researched paper on philosophy? If you said take lots of mind altering drugs, then that couch behind you probably told you that. Quit cheating.

Things gets a little out of control as it turns out the drugs are a bit...stronger than they should be. Of course this all ends with a zombie invasion. It's the only logical conclusion.

This is of course a horror comedy, and while I admit to be hesitant to watch horror comedies because of how badly most low budget filmmakers pull it off, this one actually did it. I admit it, I enjoyed the hell out of this movie. Good camerawork, a cast that can actually act, ad some pretty good gore effects to boot. 

Holy shit, they DO put more than unwatchable new crap on Netflix!

Six Things I Took From Potpourri

1. Noah may be the coolest character this side of Dazed and Confused's Wooderson, except without the creepy pedo stach and bright orange jeans. I only have the orange jeans. They make my butt look huge.

2. They had a k-y type jelly that once put on your chest , would make you trip. A couple guys ended up in a wooded King Arthur like place, killing barbarians and saving princesses. I took the same stuff and ended up stuck in a pipe with my bare ass hanging out thinking I was Mario. Maybe if I had a mushroom...

3. There is a musical number about great philosophers. Yes, it's a drug induced hallucination, but it's a catchy song  that stuck in my head afterwards. Shannon McDonnough's charming hipster character (and great singing voice) doesn't hurt things.

4. It's pretty refreshing to see a gay character in a movie and you're not being bashed in the head with "HEY THIS GUY IS GAY! LOOK AT HOW GAY HE IS!". He was a realistic, funny character. Bravo, Mr. Diviney.

5. This movie pokes fun at the online movie reviewer by having one "watching" the movie with comments every so often. Outside of a zombie invasion, it's eerily similar to how I watch a movie. I think guys like me jumped the shark, then took the shark out to dinner, slept with it, and then sent them a text saying it wasn't working out. It wasn't the shark...it was me.

6. Drugs don't write term papers, guys you meet in public bathrooms do.

 

River of Darkness (2011)

River of Darkness (2011)

Director: Bruce Koehler

Stars: Kurt Angle, Bill Hinzman, Kevin Nash

Someone or something is killing off the townspeople and putting them into goofy poses. It's up to the unlikable and eternally confused sheriff (Kurt Angle) to find out who's behind it. But what he finds may be beyond his comprehension. I'm talking about giant dead wrestlers here.

You will believe a man can be "noodled", and I'm not talking about that time your wacky uncle made spaghetti come out of his nose from laughing too hard at the Olive Garden.

Six Things I've Learned from River of Darkness

1. Nothing identifies a sheriff's car more than putting "sheriff" on the side of your truck using letters you'd put on your mailbox.

2. I love that one of the "actors" in this movie is credited as Ray "Glacier" Lloyd (he's a former WCW wrestler). I think from now on, I want to be known as Dan "Hot Coffee" Lashley. You know, because I'll burn the roof of your mouth.

3. In one scene EVERY SINGLE PERSON is wearing plaid. This film single handedly saved the plaid shirt industry.

4. I'm not sure how you feel apocalyptic, but I'd imagine it's pretty epic in nature. Probably with loud dramatic orchestra music playing.

5. This movie may very well be the greatest pairing of wrestlers and community theater actors the world has ever seen. I want to see Kurt Angle play Willy Loman in "Death of A Salesman With A BROKEN FREAKIN' NECK".

6.This film suffers from what I call "allovertheplaceitis". You got the confused sheriff talking to a crazy woman at church and a bait shop owner, you got the idiot with the ice related nickname whose best idea is to do the same thing that started this whole damn mess, and some college age dipshits with names like Hunter, Autumn, and Mackenzie who go out on a boat to meet the three dead stooges. Oh, and there's a surprise "twist" that comes out of nowhere because they NEVER FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT IN THE MOVIE!

This movie sucks. It's true, it's damn true.