The Visitor (1979)

The Visitor (1979)

Director: Giulio Paradisi

Stars: John Huston, Glenn Ford, Lance Henriksen

So apparently Space Satan was being a real bastard when Space God sent tons of birds to fight him. Space Satan, instead of turning into a Space cannon, turns into an eagle and kills most of them before becoming mortally wounded himself. He then decides to have sex with LOTS of women so his seed can carry out his plan to break shit and be assholes to the world. At least that's what Space Jesus is telling a group of bald children.

So Space God (Huston) comes in and says there's a demon he has to get...which is in the form of the bitchiest 8 year old girl ever created. She blows up basketballs, makes shit fall, and plays pong a lot.  Seems there's a plan for the Bad Seed to have a baby brother, whether the mother wants one or not. The Space demon/Illuminati sends the always sweet faced Lance Henriksen to do the job. When that doesn't work they go all date rapey.

Throw in Shelley Winters as the new housekeeper to the mom and devil child. She knows the score and proceeds to slap this little demon around...hopefully for our amusement. All this is going on while Space God is casually just strolling around without a care in the world.

I was VERY hesitant to watch this last night, figuring it to be another of those boring late 70's space movies where people talk A LOT. I was wrong...oh so very wrong. This movie is a glorious insane mess. How in the world they got John Huston, Glenn Ford, Mel Ferrer, Shelly Winters and Sam Peckinpah to be in this I'll never know.

Alamo Drafthouse Films has recently released a blu ray of this fantastic mess. So by all means pick this up. Here's a trailer to give you a taste of madness.

Six Things (I Think) I Took from The Visitor

1. If you're on the trail of a devil child and pissing her off, maybe when she sends her asshole hawk to peck your eyes out while you're driving maybe it's best if you instead of weaving at full speed between cars that you hit that bigger pad. It's called a "brake". It does things like stop so you can deal with your nasty little hawk pecking out your eyeballs problem.

2. Never in the history of cinema has there ever been as exciting an ice skating scene as the one in this film. Watch demon child knock motherfuckers with bad hair all over the place! See these assholes fail to beat up an 8 year old girl! Slow motion crashing free of charge!

3. At one point a space semi stops and we end up with a very disturbing scene I like to call "Close Encounters of the Rape Kind" as the Space Illuminati proceeds to impregnate the mom themselves. Not cool space demons...not cool.

4. I love Space God's theme music. It's like some cross between an action packed chase scene and the 6 O'Clock News. Here's Space Jesus with Action Weather!

5. I like that Shelley Winters does all this shit to help out Space God, including killing that pesky hawk that murdered Glenn Ford, and when she asks to go up to space Heaven is told "thanks for your help, now fuck off". Maybe Space God didn't say it exactly like that, but you could tell he was thinking it. Space jerk.

6. This movie makes no damn sense. So the whole purpose of Obi WannabeGod was to wander around Atlanta, let an innocent woman, whose only crime was having sex with Space Satan and having a demon seed, get shot in the spine (ON PURPOSE), plays pong with the demon child, lets the mom get beaten up multiple times, and unleashes more birds than a Prince video to do his dirty work....all so he can take demon kids to space Heaven? Why did Space God go and not hippie Space Jesus (an uncredited Franco Nero)? And why is everyone bald but these two?  Is it so they don't have competition for space chicks!? How many times do I have to write space in this article!?