Get Crazy (1983)

Get Crazy (1983)

Director: Allan Arkush

Stars: Malcolm McDowell, Daniel Stern, Stacey Nelkin

From the goofy head of Allan Arkush, director of Rock N Roll High School, comes this "off the wall" comedy about a concert on New Years Eve. Someone thought it'd be a good idea to make Daniel Stern a leading man. That person was proven wrong. 

there's the barest of plots about a crazy concert promoter who looks like a coked out Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys trying to blow up the building the concert is in. It's one of those multi storyline ensemble piece like Dazed and Confused and Thank God It's Friday that just doesn't seem to work. Like Hoochie Cootchie Man? You better because they play that damn song three times in three different ways...each version worse than the last.

But boy does Malcolm McDowell make one hell of a Mick Jagger.

Six Things I've Learned From Get Crazy

1. Happy to see my buddy Jimmy the giant Joint in this film. It's neat and sorta tragic to see a giant pot cigarette snuffed out in the prime of life. Guess it's better to burn out than to fade away.

2. If you encounter a bathroom shark, by all means let it use the mirror. He'll eat that guy who sits in the bathroom expecting you to pay money to wash your own damn hands and you won't be held hostage by an old man and a paper towel.

3. If I had "watch a sterotypical jewish blues band" on my bucket list, I could now cross it off. Of course if I had it on a bucket list I should probably shorten the list to hurry death up.

4. So they let Lee Ving "sing" and they stick Lou Reed in a cab writing awful songs in a nowhere plotline. Should have told me everything.

5. If some alien drug dealer pops out of nowhere with an electrified suitcase, do NOT take the drugs. I know the cocaine octopus is cute, but he ain't under the sea, he's up yer nose.

6. I witnessed the first heart to heart talk between a man and his penis. Well put on film anyways. Me yelling at my penis to stop being pee shy in the bathroom of Longhorn's probably doesn't count.

Doctor Detroit (1983)

Doctor Detroit (1983)

Director: Michael Pressman
Stars: Dan Aykroyd, Fran Drescher, Howard Hesseman, Donna Dixon,

A timid college professor, conned into posing as a flamboyant pimp, finds himself enjoying his new occupation on the streets.

Six Things I Learned from Doctor Detroit

1. Dan Aykroyd has nice legs for a geek.

2. Limo services moonlight as prostitution rings.

3. Business meetings take place at graveyards at midnight.

4. Dan Aykroyd’s worst nightmare is his mother becoming a hooker.

5. Pimps look like Inspector Gadget villains.

6. James Brown endorses pimps.

Screwballs (1983)

Screwballs (1983) 

Director: Rafal Zielinski 

Stars: Peter Keleghan, Kent Deuters, Linda Speciale 

 Five horny high school students in detention decide to get even with the popular girl who squealed on them and landed them in trouble. They make a pact to deflower the virginal Purity Busch before the year's over. 

Six Things I've Learned from Screwballs 

1. Impersonating a doctor and groping women’s breasts does not result in jail time; only detention. 

2. Idaho is so terrible they must transfer their students to other states for education. 

 3. A frozen meat locker is the perfect place to masturbate. 

4. Commies always carry vodka with them. 

5. Condoms make great balloons. 

6. Getting your penis stuck in a bowling ball is a comical tragedy. Comical for the audience, a tragedy for the victim.

The Boxer's Omen (1983)

The Boxer's Omen (1983) 

 Director: Chih-Hung Kuei 

Stars: Somjai Boomsong, Tien-chu Chin, Phillip Ko 

Six Things I Learned from The Boxer's Omen 

1. Bats are brought back to life via rat blood. 

2. Spiders drink through straws. 

3. Once your twin's body decomposes, you die. 

4. Normally, when someone vomits a snake, they see a doctor. Not boxers. They're too tough for that. 

 5. A monk can blow up a flying skull with his mind. 

6. Boxers' girlfriends will castrate you if you pass along STD's.

Ogroff the Axe Monster (1983)

Ogroff the Axe Monster a.k.a. Mad Mutilator (1983)

Director: N.G. Mount

Stars: Pierre Pattin, Alain Petit, Howard Vernon

A sicko psychopath, with a mask reminicent of "Silence of the Lambs, and TCM, goes on a rampage hacking up unsuspecting victims in the woods.

6 Things I Learned from Ogroff the Axe Monster

1. You can act casual and not come across as a psychopath while wearing a bizarre mask and carting around an axe.

2. All of the cool folk play chess in the middle of a field.

3. Ogroff likes to jerk off his axe.

4. Ogroff and a random man are fighting with an axe and a chainsaw. Did this inspire the chainsaw duel in "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2"?

5. True motorcyclists can chop off heads while driving.

6. If someone suspicious walks by your place, it's perfectly acceptable to stab them with hedge clippers.

Raiders of Atlantis (1983)

Raiders of Atlantis (1983)

Director: Ruggero Deodato

Stars: Christopher Connelly, Gioia Scola, Tony King

A team of scientists working to raise a sunken Russian nuclear submarine on an ocean platform off the coast of Miami, Florida, unearth an ancient Atlantean relic from the sea floor and bring in an expert to make some sense of it. But while attempting to raise the sub, radioactive leakage from its missles triggers the re-emergence of Atlantis, and the resulting tidal wave destroys the platform and leaves only a small group of survivors.

6 Things I Learned from Raiders of Atlantis

1. Architects think it’s a good idea t install windows that lead into other rooms.

2. If you want to hide your face, a newspaper is more efficient than a mask.

3. You can crack a safe with a metal rod.

4. The raiders of Atlantis are bored punk rockers.

5. Fashion in 1994 consisted of Crystal Skull masks. Spielberg and Lucas were late to the party.

6. Atlantis has a higher crime rate than Detroit.