Thursday, March 14, 2013

Men Behind The Sun (1988)/The Ice Pirates (1984)

Men Behind the Sun (1988)
Director: T.F. Mous
Stars: Gang Wang, Hsu Gou, Tie Long Jin

A group of young Japanese men in the Youth Corps are sent to a facility  which houses Unit 731. Here they see awful experiments dealing with coming up with a new strain of the bubonic plague. The group befriend a young Chinese boy and when asked, they naively send him to Unit 731 for testing. I...

I can't. I can't review this. This film turns my stomach in ways I never thought possible. It may be a cop out, but I just never got into this kind of exploitation. At least with crap like Illsa (which I also despise), there's an element of cheesiness to it. This is just...bleak and depressing. I'm sure that's the point of the film, but I just can't put myself up to it. But I promised a review for you. Hmm....

I got it.

The Ice Pirates (1984)
Director: Stewart Raffill
Stars: Robert Ulrich, Angelica Huston, Mary Crosby

Water is scare in the future and considered the greatest thing to of course the only people who seem to own it are evil bastards. Enter Jason (Ulrich) and his merry band of pirates, stealing ice from those evil tyrants. When a princess save Jason and his partner Roscoe, she tells them of a plan to find the 7th World, where the water flows free and people can drown in happiness. There's also robots and for some weird reason a totally featherless parrot. Ew.

Six Things I've Learned From Ice Pirates

1.  I had great joy in seeing a robot cab driver/pimp who spoke in sterotypical 70's blaxploitation talk.

2. They have "programs" on little clear discs that plays some romantic waves crashing on a screen similar to one of those ride simulators they used to have at the mall. I tried this once with my wife and ended up with two hours of old people shuffleboarding. Most romantic two hours of my life.

3. Space herpes look an awful lot like one of the Alien babies with the face of Gammorean Guard. Also had nothing to do with the plot. Space herpes.

4. Nobody should ever put Bruce Villanch in a movie, especially if it's just his head.

5.  ONly got 15 minutes left in the film and too much time to get to the 7th World? Just fast forward parts of the movie and age the hell out of everyone. You'll be so confused you won't realize not a damn thing is happening.

6. SPOILER: The 7th World is Earth. Mind blowing, isn't it?

And just because I feel compelled to...

One Thing I've Learned From Men Behind the Sun

1. There are movies that even I won't watch. Yet I still watched Death Nurse. What is wrong with me?!

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