Hologram Man (1995)

Hologram Man (1995)

Director: Richard Pepin

Stars: Joe Lara, Evan Lurie, John Amos (for around 10 minutes)

Joe Lara is a pretty boy rookie cop who plays by the rules. Hell he even has the rules in his jacket pocket! So Joe and James Evans from Good Times try to protect a Governor from a crazy revolutionary terrorist who is built like a wrestler and has goofy long braids. Govenor goes down, James Evans goes down (DAMN DAMN DAMN!) and Joe arrests the terrorist (who goes by Slash Gallagher). Suddenly we're in the future (how long I have no idea) and we see that criminals are taken from their bodies and inserted into some giant computer grid wearing a rather too form fitting leotard. Slash's gang has broken him out, but they kinda goofed and let him loose as a walking talking killing hologram dude. Joe, who now sports a beard and wipes his ass with the rules, has to go after him by orders of the corporation that owns Los Angeles. There's more holograms, a guy with one eye, and the worst possible pick for a "genius" hacker I've ever seen.

Six Things I've Learned From Hologram Man

1. Slash Gallagher has most of the best lines, looks like a badass, AND is even more likable than the hero. I think it's just a wacky coincidence that the actor playing Slash co-wrote the script and came up with the story.
 

2. If I had the ability to have runny silly putty molded around me, I'd probably do it as someone that wasn't wanted by the entire city. Maybe a gruff but lovable shop owner who sells plastic souvenirs of Robobcop and Lawnmower Man, two movies this film ripped off (entertainingly I admit) .

3. If you're going to have a hacker genius in your movie, there are probably at least 50,000 better people to pick than the talking Larry, Darryl and Darryl  guy from Newhart.

4. It's probably not in your best interest to tell the guy who did all the hard work for you that you're going to keep being an asshole no matter what...especially if they can easily kill you right there. It's best to drive a few miles first and then call. It's the future, they should have cell phones in their brains by then.

5. The message of this film is not to save a large city (where the only people that live there seem to be cannon fodder policemen and sleazy thugs) or to even stop technology when it falls into the wrong hands, it's to vote. VOTE!

6. Joe Lara may be a terrible actor (he was also in the syndicated Tarzan back in the 90's), but shave the beard, through some makeup on him, strap on some boobs and you'll have a wonderful night and the worst morning after of your life.

See what I mean?

Baby Ghost (1995)

Baby Ghost (1995)

Director: Donald G. Jackson

Stars: Joe Estevez, Erin O'Bryan, Conrad Brooks

In this shot on video rarity, Joe Estevez is a studio photographer in what appears to be an office building. He wears an annoying bow tie, there's some lame psychic love interest also in the building, annoying kids, a dumbass security guard, and the eternally annoying Conrad Brooks. Oh and there's some ugly ass "ghost baby" that's running amok. None of it makes sense.

The guy who made this also "directed" Hell Comes To Frogtown. I liked that movie. This barely counts as a movie. In fact, it may have replaced Death Nurse as the worst movie I've ever seen. Sadly, I'm sure that'll be topped soon.

Six Things I've Learned About Baby Ghost

1. If you're a big fan of watching people walking around an empty office building, then this movie is straight up porn for you. Sit back, grab some tissues and enjoy the mundane wallpaper!

2. There must be some agency that only specializes in inept security guards. "What? No, I don't want the former trained policeman, I want the rat faced guy who can't even catch an 8 year old! He'll keep my building safe!"

3. There's a scene when Conrad Brooks literally tells the plot of Plan 9 From Outer Space (although he calls it Flying Saucers Over Hollywood). If poor Bela could see Conrad's acting, he'd yell "PULL ZE PLUG! PULL ZE PLUG!" Man, Conrad Brooks sucks.

4. They lure the baby ghost with one of those cheap Tiger electronics handheld games. I should have known that shitty special effects would be drawn to shitty handheld games.

5. There are two impossibly stupid crooks who break into the building for no reason. I don't have a joke there. They don't interact with the other characters, they see the ghost and get scared, and we never hear about them again. I hope they rot in that office building in bad movie purgatory.

6. I can't believe I'm saying this...but I felt bad for Joe Estevez. This movie was beneath him. Let me state that again in bold....BABY GHOST IS SUCH A SHITHEAP OF A FILM THAT IT WAS BENEATH JOE ESTEVEZ'S ACTING TALENTS.

"WHAT!? I get second billing behind Estevez!?"

Creep (1995)

Creep (1995)

Director: Tim Ritter

Stars: Joel Wynkoop, Patricia Paul, Kathy Willets

Serial killer, and all around crazy laughing bastard Angus escapes from prison and instead of just getting himself some McDonalds, he starts killing. He also has a stripper sister married to what looks like a dead manatee in an open shirt. There's also a story about a female cop who takes the law into her own hands...when she's not having 8000 flashbacks to her mother getting murdered by some masked bastard.  Oh, and Tim Ritter has some serious family issues.

Six Things I've Learned from Creep

1.The baby food poisoner looked like a wax figure of Robert Blake had partially melted. AND IT WAS A WOMAN!!!

2. One of Tim Ritter's staples Asbestos Felt makes a brief appearance in this. His laugh is infectious.

3. Saddened that they couldn't get the rights to use the Radiohead song.

4. I don't know what reality Tim Ritter lives in, but a 45 year old looking leathery manbeast with soccer balls glued onto her chest is not  my idea of a good time. If I was in that strip club, I'd be asking HER to throw out dollars.

5. There's a tender scene where Angus and his sister visit the grave of their mother and wishes that she had been alive when he got out because he loved her so much. Nah just fucking with ya. He makes out with his sister on mom's skeleton.

6. After looking at Florida strippers, I wish they all could be California girls. Yuck.

Twin Sitters (1995)

Twin Sitters (1995)

Director: John Paragon
Stars: The Barbarian Brothers, George Lazenby, Mother Love

An evil business executive (played by George Lazenby), is releasing dangerous toxins and the Barbarian Brothers set out to stop his evil work.

Six Things I Learned from Twin Sitters

1) When someone says no to your pasta, it's perfectly acceptable to force feed it to them.

2) Nothing screams hip more than driving a big wheeler, blasting rap and wearing a cowboy and bird hat.

3) It's only fitting to have twins babysit twins.

4) The perfect time to knit is during a Chuck Norris film.

5) Tying up children is acceptable punishment.

6)All twins within a ten mile radius form a justice league.

Rumble in the Bronx (1995)

Rumble in the Bronx (1995)

Director: Stanley Tong

Stars: Jackie Chan, Anita Mui, and Dozens of broken bodies

In Jackie Chan's American breakthrough film (which I also saw in the theater), Chan plays a Hong Kong Champion (I'm thinking knitting. Chan's an awesome knitter) who comes to New York for his uncle's wedding. Chan stays on to help the new owner of his uncle's grocery store and encounters a rowdy gang intent on chasing him around the city. Meanwhile, there's some plot about diamonds being stolen, ANOTHER gang of well dressed bad guys, and lots of shit being destroyed. In short, a fun ride of violence. Get your ticket at the door slamming into someone's face.

Six Things I've Learned from Rumble in the Bronx

1.  I never knew New York had such beautiful mountains!

2. Playing glass bottle baseball in a dead end alley is no way to welcome a visitor to your city. Use plastic bottles first to get them accustomed to your culture.

3. The Syndicate practices unfair hiring practices by only hiring large giant headed white guys in suits. I'm sure there are many other ethnic types who are large, have giant heads, and also own themselves a nice suit. Don't discriminate assholes!

4. People you have just beat the shit out of will instantly forgive you if you say that you wanna drink tea with them. People love their tea time.

5. While refrigerators should never be used to lock someone in (your safety tip of the day), they are quite fine to use to protect yourself from swords and sticks and in certain cases used to cause concussions by slamming them into your enemies. The more you know.

6. After getting the Syndicate arrested, the cops will have no problems with you driving a hovercraft onto a golf course to run over the head of the Syndicate and expose his buttocks for all to see. It's police procedure.