Return of the Roller Blade Seven (1993)

Return of the Roller Blade Seven (1993)

Director: Donald G. Jackson

Stars: Scott Shaw, Joe Estevez, Don Stroud

This is the second sequel in a series that began with 1991's The Roller Blade Seven. Here we have an intentionally plotless film (they actually call it "Zen Filmmaking") based off of novels by producer and star Scott Shaw. Half naked ladies rollerblade in an aqueduct while Joe Estevez spouts bullshit and tries to convince Shaw to become evil. Frank Stallone plays a black knight, but does not threaten to gnaw anyone's knees off. Porn star Jill Kelly dry humps another chick next to a dude playing the congas. Everyone involved appears to be having a blast.

I would have liked this better if it had more naked rollerblading, a lot more fighting, and less talking, but you can't always get what you want. Turn off your brain and enjoy the yellow-filtered view, because you may enjoy this if you like 80s music videos. But don't try to understand what is going on, because you can't. As a bonus, there is a song at the end that describes the events of the film.

Six Things I've Learned From Return of the Roller Blade Seven

1. I think they got the idea for those old Rhino Video commercials with the two guys dancing around in the desert while saying stuff like "Oh virtuous Rhino" from this movie.

2. You have to be a damn good rollerblader to feel confident enough to rollerblade on concrete while topless and in a thong.

3. Every Sunday in Hell they eat fruit, carrots, and marshmallows, all garnished with rainbow sprinkles, off of a naked lady.

4. Never shroom with Karen Black.

5. After the apocalypse, they will still have phone service in L.A.

6. When you don't know what to do, don't do anything.

Baby Ghost (1995)

Baby Ghost (1995)

Director: Donald G. Jackson

Stars: Joe Estevez, Erin O'Bryan, Conrad Brooks

In this shot on video rarity, Joe Estevez is a studio photographer in what appears to be an office building. He wears an annoying bow tie, there's some lame psychic love interest also in the building, annoying kids, a dumbass security guard, and the eternally annoying Conrad Brooks. Oh and there's some ugly ass "ghost baby" that's running amok. None of it makes sense.

The guy who made this also "directed" Hell Comes To Frogtown. I liked that movie. This barely counts as a movie. In fact, it may have replaced Death Nurse as the worst movie I've ever seen. Sadly, I'm sure that'll be topped soon.

Six Things I've Learned About Baby Ghost

1. If you're a big fan of watching people walking around an empty office building, then this movie is straight up porn for you. Sit back, grab some tissues and enjoy the mundane wallpaper!

2. There must be some agency that only specializes in inept security guards. "What? No, I don't want the former trained policeman, I want the rat faced guy who can't even catch an 8 year old! He'll keep my building safe!"

3. There's a scene when Conrad Brooks literally tells the plot of Plan 9 From Outer Space (although he calls it Flying Saucers Over Hollywood). If poor Bela could see Conrad's acting, he'd yell "PULL ZE PLUG! PULL ZE PLUG!" Man, Conrad Brooks sucks.

4. They lure the baby ghost with one of those cheap Tiger electronics handheld games. I should have known that shitty special effects would be drawn to shitty handheld games.

5. There are two impossibly stupid crooks who break into the building for no reason. I don't have a joke there. They don't interact with the other characters, they see the ghost and get scared, and we never hear about them again. I hope they rot in that office building in bad movie purgatory.

6. I can't believe I'm saying this...but I felt bad for Joe Estevez. This movie was beneath him. Let me state that again in bold....BABY GHOST IS SUCH A SHITHEAP OF A FILM THAT IT WAS BENEATH JOE ESTEVEZ'S ACTING TALENTS.

"WHAT!? I get second billing behind Estevez!?"