Undefeatable (1993)

Undefeatable (1993)

Director: Godfrey Hall

Stars: Cynthia Rothrock, Don Niam, John Miller

Cynthia Rothrock was one of those rare female martial arts stars in the late 80's- mid 90's. I mean rare not in that she was a female kicking butt, which she did to an above average degree, but that she may be the only action star that looks like she's going to drop the kids off at soccer practice. Not that that's a bad thing, I'm sure some people have a fetish for that, but it does make you wonder what happens at PTA meetings when things don't go her way.

Cynthia is a waitress who fights men on the side for extra pocket cash. She's also working hard to send her daughter sister through college. She gets arrested because them side fights aren't exactly legal and the main cop takes a likin' to her.

On the other side of town, we have Stingray. Stingray is your average run of the mill sadistic fighter who enjoys nice flowers, a good dinner, and forcibly raping his wife/girlfriend. She has enough and leaves, which causes Stingray to go off his rocker and start killing women who look like his beloved. Oh he has mommy issues as well.

So Stingray's chocolate gets stuck in Rothrock's peanut butter when her sister is murdered by Stingray. She and her stalkish cop pal try to reach him before he kills again. Spoiler: He does.

Six Things I Took From Undefeatable

1. If the woman you run into does NOT look like your ex, it's only polite to apologize about running into her. Be a crazy serial killer...DON'T be an asshole.

2. Apparently you can enroll people in college without their permission! Won't my neighbor be mad when he finds out I enrolled him at Yale. He really wanted to go to Harvard.

3. In this city, everyone knows kickboxing. From the waitresses, to the shoppers, to the psychiatrists. Sure it cuts down on the tourists shoplifting, but when everyone can kick your ass, no one can kick your ass. Put THAT in a fortune cookie.

4. I know it probably looks cool, but fish don't appreciate you decorating their tanks with eyeballs. Get a nice neon castle for them to swim in and out of. It's not always about you.

5. I'm not blaming the victims here, because the man was obviously deranged, but if you're going to out with giant hair and dressed like you're going to the mall, maybe....it's not such a bad thing.

6. All during this movie, there was this odd feeling that I knew this film. No, not from the bonus clip, but the overall tone of the movie. It's right at the tip of my tongue though...I wonder what this director Godfrey Hall has done. Checking.....

...Godfrey Hall

Godfrey Ho

SON OF A BITCH!

While I try to get over this Ho down, here's the final fight from this shitheap. I'll be..."seeing" you again soon. I'm sorry.

Return of the Roller Blade Seven (1993)

Return of the Roller Blade Seven (1993)

Director: Donald G. Jackson

Stars: Scott Shaw, Joe Estevez, Don Stroud

This is the second sequel in a series that began with 1991's The Roller Blade Seven. Here we have an intentionally plotless film (they actually call it "Zen Filmmaking") based off of novels by producer and star Scott Shaw. Half naked ladies rollerblade in an aqueduct while Joe Estevez spouts bullshit and tries to convince Shaw to become evil. Frank Stallone plays a black knight, but does not threaten to gnaw anyone's knees off. Porn star Jill Kelly dry humps another chick next to a dude playing the congas. Everyone involved appears to be having a blast.

I would have liked this better if it had more naked rollerblading, a lot more fighting, and less talking, but you can't always get what you want. Turn off your brain and enjoy the yellow-filtered view, because you may enjoy this if you like 80s music videos. But don't try to understand what is going on, because you can't. As a bonus, there is a song at the end that describes the events of the film.

Six Things I've Learned From Return of the Roller Blade Seven

1. I think they got the idea for those old Rhino Video commercials with the two guys dancing around in the desert while saying stuff like "Oh virtuous Rhino" from this movie.

2. You have to be a damn good rollerblader to feel confident enough to rollerblade on concrete while topless and in a thong.

3. Every Sunday in Hell they eat fruit, carrots, and marshmallows, all garnished with rainbow sprinkles, off of a naked lady.

4. Never shroom with Karen Black.

5. After the apocalypse, they will still have phone service in L.A.

6. When you don't know what to do, don't do anything.

The Nostril Picker (1993)

The Nostril Picker (1993) 

Director: Mark Nowicki 

Stars: Carl Zschering, Edward Tanner 

Loner turns into a girl to lure and kill other girls. He also picks his nose a lot. 

SixThings I Learned from The Nostril Picker: 

1. Being a nostril picker is classier than being a nose picker. 

2. Morphal Synthesis can make you change into anybody by chanting a tune. What about nose picking? 

3. Poor people eat dog food. 

4. Stalkers use black magic to change their looks and become friends with their prey. 

5. Girls don’t scream when you cut their fingers off. 

6. If Siskel & Ebert hate a movie, it must be good!

Dazed and Confused (1993)

Dazed and Confused (1993)

Director: Richard Linklater

Stars: Jason London, Parker Posey, Matthew McConaughey

This movie takes us back in time to 1976 on the last day of school in Texas. The school quarterback just wants to party and get high, but his tight ass coach wants him to sign a waiver from having fun. We also look into the life of soon to be freshman Mitch, who must avoid paddling and find love (or lust at least). Also Ben Affleck gets paint poured on him, something I want to do daily.

Just a sidenote, this is the 100th post on WWWofCF! Who knew I could stay with something this long? Here's to post 1000 sometime this century!

Six Things I've Learned From Dazed and Confused

1. I've learned that "wipe that face off your head" is not a good response while waiting in line at the store. I wasn't suppose to be the 12th item!

2. There's a drinking game where you take a drink whenever Mitch touches his nose. I got alcohol poisoning and am going to AA meetings.

3. I really want to punch that Kevin Pickford guy in the face. Apparently so did the actor playing Pink.

4. As a nerd, I shared the pain when the frizzy headed nerd punched the greaser and then got his ass kicked. Stand up for yourself my ass!

5. If you look 12, chances are the cashier isn't gonna give a shit and sell you beer.

6. Matthew McConaughey made it alright alright alright to be a creepy pervert. Orange pants not included.