Detroit Rock City (1999)

Detroit Rock City (1999)

Director: Adam Rifkin

Stars: The Kid from Terminator 2, a sane(?) Natasha Lyonne, Gene Simmons'wife

This isn't a complicated story, and since it's for KISS fans, that's probably a good thing (I'm a KISS fan btw). Four doofuses win tickets to a KISS concert in Detroit, but they face multiple obstacles, most notably one guy's insane Carpenters lovin' KISS hatin mom (played by the gross landlady in Kingpin). When they get to Detroit, they find out they DIDN'T win the tickets and each of them go to their own story subplots to find tickets. Spoiler: They see KISS. 

Six Things I've Learned From Detroit Rock City

1. So apparently in the 70's and somewhat in the 80's, there was this epidemic of hiring the creepiest security guards to watch our nations schools. I bet the checklist of the correspondence course included greasy hair, leering eyes, and a hankering for a hunk of jailbait.

2. I'd imagine stripping in a club with ugly horny old ladies AND Ron Jeremy watching would make me throw up as well.

3. Getting a priest trippin off of schrooms may be a damnable offense, but not if the priest is Joe Flathery.

4. Because of this film, Stretch Armstrong has opened up legislation on banning stretchy toys. Many kids have taken to putting bumper stickers on their power wheels that says "You'll get my toys by prying it from my cold dead hands".

5. The "Sexual" encounter between T2 kid and Mrs. Gene Simmons is exactly how 99% of my sexual encounters go.

6. I have to admit, how the guys get the tickets is a pretty damn clever way for their feeble minds.

Camp Blood (1999)

Camp Blood (1999) 

Director: Brad Sykes 

Stars: Jennifer Ritchkoff, Michael Taylor, Tim Young, Betheny Zolt 

Out and about on a camping trip in the woods without a care in the world, four campers found themselves in an unknown world. With the death of their guide and at the mercy of a cold blooded killer, the trip of fun in the sun soon took a wrong turn. With friends slowly disappearing, so does the chance of getting out alive. 

Six Things I Learned from Camp Blood 

1. Bird watching leads to murder. 

 2. Those who make moonshine scare people away from their site with killer clown stories. 

3. Sandals are perfect footwear for a hike through the woods. 

4. Pretty people don’t know how to pitch a tent. 

5. Serial killers aren’t good boxers. 

6. You can enter a car by being run over by it.