Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Karate Warrior 2 (1988)

Karate Warrior 2 (1988)
Director: Fabrizio De Angelis
Stars: Kim Rossi Stuart, Amy Lynn Baxter, Ted Pryor (?)

Never thought I'd see an Italian Karate Kid ripoff, but here we are. Not sure why I didn't see the first one, but I'll remedy that soon. They actually made six of these films, but only the first two has Kim Rossi Stuart in it. after that, it was a revolving door of wannabe Macchios. 

After saving the day in the first film, our hero Anthony Scott and his sweet pillowy girl lips is going off to college! His grandparents give him a sweet new car, which he promptly runs into the swamp when some douchebags in a car airbrushed with a tiger runs him off the road for no reason. 

After getting picked up by some rich guy named Luke and becoming friends, Anthony goes out to find who fucked up his sweet ride. Turns out the culprits are a gang of karate geeks called the Tigers (big shock), lead by the appropriately named Dick. Anthony challenges Dick to a fair fight, and Dick, trying to rig the fight with chloroform, still gets his ass kicked. If that's not enough, Anthony also is stealing Dick's girl! So what should Dick do? If your answer is hire a karate champion that just got out of prison for drugs to kill Anthony, then you've seen the movie already and are just being a dick yourselves.

Will Anthony beat this new psychopath? Will true love blossom between Anthony and a playboy/penthouse gal? Will Luke actually get a spine? 

Six Things I Took From Karate Warrior 2

1. The Tigers are the goofiest gang I have seen in a movie, and I freeze frame the Warriors at the big gathering scene to pick out all the goofy looking gangs. These guys look like average douchebags jock college guys. That's all. And for a gang that terrorizes the town so badly, they sure as fuck have a lot of supporters when Dick gets his ass beaten by Anthony. Oh and great job giving one guy the hokiest hick voice this side of Hee Haw.

2. Luke is the wimpiest sidekick in recent memory. They dubbed him in this whiny voice, he barely has his buddy's back, and gets his ass kicked even when he has a gun pointed at someone. The only thing I didn't see was someone kicking sand in his face. Maybe Eddie Deezen turned down the role.

3. Forcing someone to become your friend in exchange for a ride is worse than forcing them to have sex with you. Look pal, I'll give you a handjob, I just don't wanna hang out in your house eating caviar.

4. I find it odd that Anthony wrecks his car, some guy in an airboat offers to help, and I guess steals it for his own because we never see the sweet ride again. You'd think Anthony would be more concerned about getting back the car that his grandparents probably hocked their life savings for instead of trying to pick fights and cock block leaders of gangs. I bet he don't send christmas cards to them either. Sad.

5. Fun fact: chloroform when apply to the face by sponge doesn't knock you out but merely makes your eyes blurry so Dick can kick you in the face and blurry it some more. How do you not know your cornerman is rubbing a substance that has one of the most distinct smells in the world all over your face?

6. As you may have noticed, Ted Prior's name is in this film...only it's spelled Pryor. I was excited because I know that Ted always gives a pretty fun performance in whatever he does. But when his character is seen for the first time (he's billed as the psycho karate champion) I notice one problem...IT'S NOT FUCKING TED PRIOR! I came here specifically for the Prior, and instead I got this generic beefed up blond dumbass. Not that I didn't like this film, but the lack of Ted made this film from a B+ to a B-. That's a lesson to you all, if you advertise the Ted, you better fucking deliver the Ted!

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