Enter The Ninja (1981)

Enter The Ninja (19810

Director: Menahem Golan

Stars: Franco Nero, Susan George, Sho Kosugi

I've always had a fondness for white guys as the hero in martial arts films. It's probably because they look so ridiculous doing the moves, but I love them nonetheless. From the Best of the Best series, No Retreat No Surrender, Anything with Richard Harrison....hell, I even like the Godfrey Ho ones with the guys who have headbands that say ninja on them. So finding out about this film from The Church of Splatterday Saints (Their take on the film is here ), I knew I had to see it.

I was not disappointed.

The story is about Cole (Nero), a white dude becoming a ninja master in Japan, much to the chagrin of his schoolmate Hasegawa (the eyeliner lovin Kosugi). He leaves there to go visit his old 'Nam buddy in the Phillipines, where he finds out that a greedy rich bastard (the scenery chewing Christopher George) is trying to forcibly take his buddy's land. They're running off the locals from the place (ruining many a cockfight) with the help of a comic hook handed character. Very rarely do you ever see a guy with a hook that isn't a comedy character....well unless they're leaving the hook in the side of the car.

So Cole, his buddy, and his buddy's Olivia Newton John clone of a wife (Susan George) keep the assholes at bay, as they fight the evil Christopher George and his new hired ninja...HASEGAWA!. Will Cole defeat his rival? Will his buddy and his wife end up happy together? Will Christopher George act in anything? And will the guy with the hook ever get unstuck from that wooden post he was stuck on? All these answers in more in the next....SOAP. 

Six Things I've Learned From Enter The Ninja

1. Say what you will about the bad guys, but their white suits sure do make em look snazzy...even when they get their own blood on them.

2. For some reason, they pick up some old guy selling watches and nudie pics (probably from Susan George films) to help out against the bad guys. Because when I need help fighting off small groups of hired thugs, I enlist the elderly. Well...I actually do do that, but the results aren't quite the same as they are in this film. Never give an old lady a rocket launcher....not if you are attached to your car....or the people in it. Stupid old lady.

3. When you and your ninja master buddy go out and kick some people's asses, the best way of saying thank you to him is by sending your wife over to his room to have sexual relations with him. It show you care, it shows she cares, and he'll be enjoying himself so much he won't care that he's boning your wife. That's friendship.

4. If you live at the top of a high rise building and you own a pool, do you get many complaints? I can just imagine being the guy who lives one floor down and having his dinner ruined by leaking chlorine filled water and people funk. That steak was expensive, you bastard!

5. Ridiculous Customs #421: When your buddy arrives, always have a cock fight ready to go.I don't mean penis swords, I meant two roosters fighting to the death. Animal violence is okay, but penis touching...no way, Jose!

6. If you're like me, you like going on the youtubes to watch bad movie clips. If you do, then you know about the greatest death scene ever. You know...the one where the guy gets a ninja star to the chest, and while he's falling down he looks at the camera and shrugs before dying? The man throwing the star is our hero Franco Nero and his shrugging target...none other than Christopher George. Yes, THIS is the movie that scene came from. 

For those of you who haven't seen it, then I am disappointed with you. You can watch it now or not have any dessert later. It's for your own good.

The Cloth (2013)

The Cloth (2013)

Director: Justin Price

Stars: Kyler Willett, Perla Rodriguez, Eric Roberts (for 5 minutes)

Having gotten tired of being burned on new horror by Netflix, I decided to go another route. Enter Hulu Plus. We got this mainly for the Criterion Collection, but I decided to take another chance on new horror and pick a movie at random. 

This proves to me that I have no taste in movies, even when it's at random.

This mashup of better horror movies is about some non believing douchebag who has to join up with the Men in Bla...I mean ass kicking priests to...well to be honest this movie isn't very clear on that. Some asshole demon (played by the director) comes down and becomes a big pimp, making out with the ladies before either killing them or making them all mucked up. 

Priests fighting demons...that's about it. Eric Roberts is in this for 5 mniutes proving he'll act in anything for a paycheck. Danny Trejo is also in this for an additional 5 minutes...but since he was in Machete, I'll give him a pass just this once. The main hero in this is the less talented clone of Paul Walker. Think about that for a minute.

No cloth was harmed in the making of this movie.

Six Things I've Learned From The Cloth

1. The editing here is atrocious. In one scene our moronic hero pays a visit to the guy who killed his father (out on parole), and finds out he's a demon. Our hero proclaims "You have got to be shitting me". The next scene has a girl walking into a room WITH OUR HERO! The fuck happened in between being shitted on and walking into a room?! It's never fucking explained. I get that fast cuts keep the movie moving but bad editing makes one want the film to leap off a cliff.

2. Our hero has three facial expressions...dumb, dumber, and goddamn rock stupid motherfucker.

 

3. Demons are made of confetti, and when you shoot them, the magic just bursts out of them!

4. I counted Men in Black (why is your gun bigger than mine scene), Blade Trinity (the flying opening knife on a chain scene), and of course the Exorcist (The entire beginning sequence). When you think originality, you think of this film!

5. Check out this tidbit from their IMDB:

"The cast and crew brought Sage and did cleanses before each shoot."

 They should have been colonics, because this movie is full of shit.

6. My favorite part of this movie was when the main guy's love interest is possessed. Before this, everyone possessed were blown into glittery goodness. Not this girl. The hero and a priest chant to save her. When the demon goes into the priest, instead of being grateful the priest helped saved his girlfriend, he turns him into a glitter bomb. Bros before ho's you asshole!

Hollywood's New Blood (1988)

Hollywood's New Blood (1988)

Director: James Shyman

Stars: Bobby Johnston, Francine Lapensée, Joe Balogh

In slasher films, there must be three things in it for it to be a good slasher...cool kills and nudity. You can sacrifice one of these two and maybe come out with something passable, but take them both out and you have Hollywood's New Blood.

A bunch of terrible actors are at some acting seminar in a cabin in the woods. A big mulleted, stiff as a board Brawny Man (minus the porn stach) named Brad tells the story of how the wrong building was rigged up for a movie scene and accidentally blew up the place this cabin is now standing on. It killed everyone except three brothers who are out wandering the woods with greasepaint on their faces and murder in their hearts. 

People start dying off, but any chance of having any cool deaths are shattered when you realize that they ALWAYS CUT TO A REACTION SHOT WHEN THE KILLING STARTS! I'm sure it's because the filmmakers were too stupid to know how to do the simplest of tasks, but can you at least SHOW the fucking knife going into the victim. It ruins my enjoyment of their deaths.

Six Things I've Learned From Hollywood's New Blood

1. I find it funny that the movie takes place during an acting seminar, when it's clear that none of the people in this movie actually know how to act. Very meta.

2. Some of the worst screaming comes from this movie. In one scene our morons thinks one of their friends are getting killed only to see her in the throes of passion...which for this movie is two jackasses under a cover. So when she screams for real, everyone thinks she's playing with her boyfriend's donkey kong. A better scream would have stopped that. I wonder if they make those nose opening strips for throats?

3. This movie clocks in at an hour and 17 minutes, but feels like it's as long as watching all three extended versions of Lord of the Rings. The last 14 minutes of this movie is nothing but credits and an extended recap of EVERYTHING YOU JUST FUCKING SAW! There's so much padding in this movie that they can put it in the walls of the nuthouse suite I'll be staying at because of this shitheap!

4. The acting coach's method is to "take a break". Things getting heated ...take a break. Cue cards not high enough to read? Take a break. Getting murdered by ugly grease painted hillbillies? I'll be in the break room.

5. I get that this is yet in another looooong line of people in the woods getting slaughtered movie,and that's fine, but if you're going to film the woods, at least realize the differences between the sounds of crickets chirping or bullfrogs croaking, and the goddamn rain forest that you decided to insert instead. There ain't no damn monkeys in them woods!

6. I will give this movie one tiny piece of credit. The way the final bad guy gets his may just be one of the funniest and most ridiculous ways to die  I have ever seen. Brawny Man shoves the skull of the bad guy's mother into the bad guy's face and...well look for yourself...

POW Deathcamp VHS Cover

As disturbing as the guy with no hands at the bottom showing off his stubs is, it's nothing compared to those poor guys caught in what appears to be the line of ass fire from Triggerhappy there. Those who hasn't dealt it, still felt it.

Paranormal Asylum: The Revenge of Typhoid Mary (2013)

Paranormal Asylum: The Revenge of Typhoid Mary

Director: Nimrod Zalmanowitz

Stars: Aaron Mathias, Laura Gilreath, Nathan Spiteri

I am a moron. You would think after 100 Ghost Street that I'd learn my lesson about watching new horror on Netflix. But I am the guy who willingly watched Chain Letter, so I really shouldn't be shocked.

At least this movie attempts to go outside of the now generic found footage cliche of a bunch of morons trapped in some ugly old building they have no business being in getting killed. I even saw some pretty nice camera shots. Hell, some of the acting wasn't all that bad. I wanted to add more positive stuff, but to be honest I don't have any.

The story is two buddies plan a documentary about Typhoid Mary. Girlfriend wants to help so she does a seance. Now what do you think happens to her?

A. She realizes that all that incense is giving her a headache and goes to bed

or

B. She becomes possessed by Typhoid Mary

I won't spoil it...well not blatantly, but I think you can figure out the answer. This movie made me seriously think about cancelling my Netflix account.

Six Things I've Learned From Paranormal Asylum: The Revenge of Typhoid Mary

1. Girlfriend possessed? That's cool. It'll be like doing two chicks at the same time.

2. I just remembered another positive thing about this movie...unlike 100 Ghost Street, where they made shit up about Richard Speck willy nilly, this one is pretty accurate about Typhoid Mary. Gotta give them props for doing their research.

3. Why introduce a character that's made out to be important, but ends up dying THREE FUCKING MINUTES AFTER YOU INTRODUCE THEM!? And who the hell killed this character!? WHY WON'T YOU ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS MOVIE!?!?!

4. Please don't have your non possessed characters all be bi-polar. Screaming one minute and then calmly talking the next. Best example is the random fat TV's Frank lookalike who goes from creaming his pants over an old bottle of drugs to acting like he's going to stab the two main guys for having it. Stop chewing the scenery, you already ate most of it.

5. Not everything scary that happens needs to have the word Paranormal tacked onto it. I'm waiting on such films as Paranormal Mediocrity, Paranormal Radiology, and Paranormal Paranormalty.

6. As a screenwriter myself, I can honestly say this script is horrible. What could have been a very promising film is ruined not only by the inane dialogue that is spoken by the actors (badly I might add), but the simple fact that you never are clear about what the hell is going on until AFTER it's already happened. And that's only half the time. The rest of the time you're stuck with your thumb up your ass. I was making up explanations as the movie went on. In my version, Typhoid Mary was living in some old island with the muppets, while the two guys were randomly killing off everyone they met so they could get their money and put on that off off broadway musical they always wanted to do about Mary. Made a hell of a lot more sense than what I saw.

2 Everything 2 Terrible 2: Tokyo Drift (2010)

2 Everything 2 Terrible 2: Tokyo Drift (2010)

Director: The fine folks at Everything Is Terrible

Stars: Duane, Tiny Hitler, Cat Massaging Lady

I am a compilation video junkie. From those  trailer compilations with the same 30 trailers in it to the weird and wacky Lost and Found Video Night series, if they were food I'd weight 500lbs by now. I tend to like the goofy ones better, and if there's death in it, I'd rather it be gory movie deaths instead of the Faces of Death bullshit. I like to be entertained, not depressed.

This brings me to Everything is Terrible. Their first movie is the standard collection of oddball instructional videos and other oddities, with some slight editing. I of course loved it. But then I had a chance to watch the sequel. I couldn't pass it up. Would it live up to the original?

Oh it exceeded it with one of the most epic stories cut together and reassembled on tape.

The story, as coherent as it can be, concerns the death of the Christ figure Duane, a hip hop dancing kid who knows the score. When he is tragically murdered, the world degrades into sex, drugs, and cat massaging. Hitler, now in the body of an 10 year old boy, tries to rule the Earth. Will he take over, or will a miracle dance it's way out of the sky? I won't spoil it for you.

Six Things I've Learned From 2 Everything 2 Terrible 2: Tokyo Drift

1. Klingons are uncircumcised. At least that's what the rogue Christian Trekkie told me. Klingon plays a mean guitar though.

2. If I'm out and about and I see a couple doing the music kiss (which is kissing to the beat, turning your head side to side) I will send the uncircumcised Klingon to bash their heads in with the guitar.

3. If Duane is gone, it means no pizza. I can almost handle a little Hitler, but no pizza!? That is a fate worse than death.

4. Whenever the world is just overwhelming me, I take a skate break. I'm still overwhelmed, but at least I have a nice neon outfit to look forward to. Can't touch this!

5. In one clip,a man is asked if he thought about having sex with animals. His reply is "Do whales count"? Be sure to check which section you rent Free Willy from. Just a handy tip.

6. I don't know what video series include a Jerry Seinfeld lookalike doing the helicopter with his little Jerry flapping about, but I want all copies of it to be burned. The only thing that could be worse is a George lookalike coming in naked from the pool.

Duane: Never Forget

Last Man Standing VHS Cover

Watch out fighting shirtless men! That giant dude is gonna sneeze on you!