100 Ghost Street: The Return of Richard Speck (2012)

100 Ghost Street: The Return of Richard Speck (2012)

Director: Martin Andersen

Stars: Cute Pixie Girl, Lovable Nice Guy, And various other lame ass cliches

As a kid, I was pretty gullible. If I thought the cover looked cool, I'd rent it. Sometimes it was a good film (Shock Treatment) but most of the time there was a giant turd of a film waiting for me (The Woodchipper Massacre). 

Now that most video stores are gone, replaced by those shitty red boxes with the same 50 movies in them, I have to find new stuff to watch elsewhere. Netflix is one such place for me to watch new horror. But time hasn't made me any smarter and for every Girls Gone Dead that I watch and enjoy, there's an Inkubus for me to be disappointed in. 

So this movie has been beckoning me for a while now...playing on my fascination with serial killers. I was aware it was a found footage movie, which is a genre I enjoy when done correctly (Noroi The Curse for example). Imagine my horror at having 84 minutes of my life wasted watching people more two dimensional than a fucking Scooby Doo cartoon act like fucking morons.

You want a review...here it is: Stupid fucking cliche'd characters go into an old scary abandoned building for a documentary about a dead serial killer...claiming his spirit is still there. Well as Gomer Pyle would say, surprise, surprise, sur-fucking-prise! A ghost starts killing them. Gee, that was easily avoidable wasn't it? 

The group is made up of:

- Sweet pixieish girl with a short haircut who is the final girl

- Nice, slightly dorky guy who likes the girl. He represents all the neckbeards who think they have a chance with the nice chick

- Douchebag director who looks like an emo Willem Dafoe. His stupid hair didn't cover enough of his face

- Dorky cameraman who cracks jokes and is the biggest pussy on god's green earth

- Stupid vacant bitch

and finally

- Stupid vacant nice girl. You know, the hybrid of the other two girls

By the way, this movie gets pretty much every fact about Speck wrong. You can tell they just didn't fucking care.

Six Things I've Learned From 100 Ghost Street

1. It was so nice of the police to take the tapes they found and edit it together for us. That's real helpful.

2. The best character in this film was Clyde, the radio controlled monster truck with a camera attached to it. Not only did it have more personality than the cast, it also had better camera work.

3. If Richard Speck was alive, he would have killed himself after seeing this film.

4. Real brilliant idea of laying the wounded vacant hybrid girl on the same stained mattress that Speck used to have his way with his victims. Whoops! Didn't think I'd see ghost rape on film!

5. If you go to a building where you claim a ghost of a serial killer is at, DON'T BE FUCKING SURPRISED WHEN THE GHOST OF A SERIAL KILLER COMES AND KILLS YOU!!>!>!  kjslhiuhsgreairulk;lk;hluighf

6. You know the worst part about this? Is that I didn't know this was a fucking ASYLUM film! My own brain turned against me and told me to watch a movie from the hackiest of hacks! The team that makes up for lack of originality by shoving crappy CGI effects down our throats. The gang that force feed people "camp" and expect us to swallow it! I would rather watch a marathon of Nick Millard's home movies of Death Nurse taking a hot lesbian shower with Edith Massey than to watch another goddamn ASYLUM movie! The whole lot can shove a sharknadicane right up their asses!

BONUS: They all fucking die. There. I just saved you the trouble of watching this.

Girls Gone Dead (2012)

Girls Gone Dead (2012)

Director: Michael Hoffman Jr. , Aaron T Wells

Stars: Katie Peterson, Shea Stewart, Jerry "The King" Lawler

In this gruesome horror/comedy, a group of hot girls go to stay for a weekend in a big house where a religious serial killer with a large war hammer is killing off "immoral" people. There's also a Girls Gone Wild type of shoot happening nearby, where a bored Ron Jeremy and a disturbingly happy Beetlejuice are hanging about. I went into this thinking it was going to be one of those lame spoofs like Jim Wynorski's Bare Wench Project, but found myself really enjoying this. It helps that one of my favorite wrestlers, Jerry "The King" Lawler is in it as well, and has the best attack against a villain ever. EVER.

Six Things I've Learned From Girls Gone Dead

1. That even though I knew there would be boobies in this, I was happily surprised to see that most of them weren't giant rock hard boulders strapped on some woman's body. Real boobs are awesome.

2. This film shows a more tender, sympathetic side to the Joe Francis type character. I'm fuckin' with ya. He's a giant douchebag.

3. With enough alcohol, we fat men can also get laid by drunk horny chicks. Of course the amount of alcohol is determined by a montage of just drinking. So I'm thinking she drank about 114 shots of booze.

4. If you ever see a can of gasoline in a film, no matter how minor it looks, there WILL be someone running around flailing their arms around on fire. Stop drop and roll, dummy!

5. It wasn't so much the killings that bothered me, but the fact that someone decided to clone the look and mannerisms/acting ability of Tara Reid. *shudders*

6. One of my favorite bad movie actors is in this...the great Asbestos Felt. I need to review Killing Spree next.

ThanksKilling 3 (2012)

ThanksKilling 3 (2012)

Director: Jordan Downey
Stars: Daniel Usaj, Joe Hartzler, Preston Altree, Jordan Downey

Fowl-mouthed villain Turkie carves through the likes of a rapping grandma, a mindless puppet, a wig-wearing inventor, a bisexual space worm, and their equally ridiculous friends on his quest to recover the last copy of "ThanksKilling 2".

Six Things I Learned from ThanksKilling 3
1) Turkeys can fly spaceships.

2) Turkeys can steal souls.

3) Thanksgiving is not about family. It's about the slaughtering of turkeys.

4) Anybody who watched "ThanksKilling 2" is under Turkie's spell. Just like "Gigli" with Ben Affleck.

5) The portal to space is through a robot's ass.

6) If you lose your dick, it's wise to replace it with a chainsaw.