The Beyond (1981)

The Beyond (1981)
Director: Lucio Fulci
Stars: Catriona Maccoll, David Warbeck, Al Cliver

Liza inherits a New Orleans hotel from a mysterious uncle and begins working to get the place open. However, strange and increasingly grisly things keep happening, starting with a worker who falls off a scaffold after seeing a pair of eyes looking out at him from an upstairs window. The occurrences center around room 36, which coincidentally was the room of a painter/warlock who was murdered in the hotel many years ago by superstitious swamp folk because he was trying to open a portal to hell. Those jerks! Liza can't sell the hotel, because she's broke and this is her last chance. With the help of a friendly doctor, can she solve the mystery of the Seven Doors Hotel before the world ends?

SEVEN things I've learned by watching The Beyond

1. If you inherit a property, and find two people already employed there who you immediately distrust, FIRE THEM! Fire the hell out of them. You're the $#%*&@! boss, after all.

2. If you are picking up brain waves while doing an EEG on a person who has been dead for years, you're probably looking at the beginning of a zombie outbreak.

3. Do not climb ladders or scaffolds if you are easily startled.

4. Do not pick up weird ladies who hang around on bridges. In most cases you're only risking an STD, but you could get lucky and facilitate the opening of a gate to hell.

5. Do not entry.

6.  Sometimes it's best to just lie back and let art flow over you. It is not best to lie back and let acid flow over you.

7. Eyes? Where we're going we don't need eyes!

City of The Living Dead (1980)

City of The Living Dead (1980)

Director: Lucio Fulci

Stars: Christopher George, Catriona MacColl, Carlo De Mejo

In the first of Fulci's trilogy (the others being The Beyond and House By The Cemetery), a preacher hangs himself, waking up a bunch of dead folk and generally cause mayhem and mischief himself. A reporter, a woman who previously died, and a therapist who dates high school girls set out to stop it. Brains are squished like one of those stress relieving balls. It's pretty neat-o.

Six Things I've Learned from City of The Living Dead

1. That ain't Nestle's strawberry syrup dripping into that milk!

2. Don't pet old dead ladies because they bite and then lay around in your kitchen for no reason.

3. Never let Christopher George help you out of a coffin.

4. Teenage guy smoking pot in a car with a teenage girl = drill in the head. Forty year old therapist dating a teenage girl = welcome with open arms.

5. Zombies don't run here, instead they've mastered the art of teleportation.

6. He's psychotic, he's so needing...he'll get your little eyeballs bleeding. Throwing up all your insides, he's got...EVIL PREACHER EYES!