Monday, November 26, 2012

Hellraiser (1987)

Hellraiser (1987)
Director: Clive Barker
Stars: Doug Bradley, Ashley Lawrence, Andrew Robinson

Uncle Frank is a bastard. He was the former lover of his brother's wife Julia. Not smart. He also liked playing around with odd puzzle boxes. Really dumb. The box opens and S & M demons come out and rip his flesh off. Fucking stupid. Now Frank's back and he wants Julia to help him become more than a skull and spine combination by killing other guys and drinking their blood (in a manner of speaking). The Cenobites are not amused. A fan is then filled with feces as it is hit.

Six Things I've Learned from Hellraiser

1. Pinhead claims to have "such sights to show me" but all I see is twirling boxes with ears pinned to it and chains with hooks. Disneyland this ain't.

2.  When I watched this on videotape, there was an a great ad for Hellraiser merchandise with a little old lady. That Hellraiser satin jacket would have looked Sa-WEET on me.

3. I just now realized that the dad was the awesome Scorpio in Dirty Harry. I realize this as he blows up. In my face indeed.

4. When people are told to look at their loved one's inner self, I don't think it included the muscle groups and entrails.

5. When it comes down to Uncle Frank and the Cenobites, I'm firmly on the side of the inhuman pincushion.

6. I'll keep my sexual deviationsat a safe level. A chicken, two pounds of mayo, and a wetsuit.

BONUS: Here's the video I mentioned in number 2!


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