Night Vision VHS Cover

"Hey big boy, want a window to your future? It's called herpes."

100 Ghost Street: The Return of Richard Speck (2012)

100 Ghost Street: The Return of Richard Speck (2012)

Director: Martin Andersen

Stars: Cute Pixie Girl, Lovable Nice Guy, And various other lame ass cliches

As a kid, I was pretty gullible. If I thought the cover looked cool, I'd rent it. Sometimes it was a good film (Shock Treatment) but most of the time there was a giant turd of a film waiting for me (The Woodchipper Massacre). 

Now that most video stores are gone, replaced by those shitty red boxes with the same 50 movies in them, I have to find new stuff to watch elsewhere. Netflix is one such place for me to watch new horror. But time hasn't made me any smarter and for every Girls Gone Dead that I watch and enjoy, there's an Inkubus for me to be disappointed in. 

So this movie has been beckoning me for a while now...playing on my fascination with serial killers. I was aware it was a found footage movie, which is a genre I enjoy when done correctly (Noroi The Curse for example). Imagine my horror at having 84 minutes of my life wasted watching people more two dimensional than a fucking Scooby Doo cartoon act like fucking morons.

You want a review...here it is: Stupid fucking cliche'd characters go into an old scary abandoned building for a documentary about a dead serial killer...claiming his spirit is still there. Well as Gomer Pyle would say, surprise, surprise, sur-fucking-prise! A ghost starts killing them. Gee, that was easily avoidable wasn't it? 

The group is made up of:

- Sweet pixieish girl with a short haircut who is the final girl

- Nice, slightly dorky guy who likes the girl. He represents all the neckbeards who think they have a chance with the nice chick

- Douchebag director who looks like an emo Willem Dafoe. His stupid hair didn't cover enough of his face

- Dorky cameraman who cracks jokes and is the biggest pussy on god's green earth

- Stupid vacant bitch

and finally

- Stupid vacant nice girl. You know, the hybrid of the other two girls

By the way, this movie gets pretty much every fact about Speck wrong. You can tell they just didn't fucking care.

Six Things I've Learned From 100 Ghost Street

1. It was so nice of the police to take the tapes they found and edit it together for us. That's real helpful.

2. The best character in this film was Clyde, the radio controlled monster truck with a camera attached to it. Not only did it have more personality than the cast, it also had better camera work.

3. If Richard Speck was alive, he would have killed himself after seeing this film.

4. Real brilliant idea of laying the wounded vacant hybrid girl on the same stained mattress that Speck used to have his way with his victims. Whoops! Didn't think I'd see ghost rape on film!

5. If you go to a building where you claim a ghost of a serial killer is at, DON'T BE FUCKING SURPRISED WHEN THE GHOST OF A SERIAL KILLER COMES AND KILLS YOU!!>!>!  kjslhiuhsgreairulk;lk;hluighf

6. You know the worst part about this? Is that I didn't know this was a fucking ASYLUM film! My own brain turned against me and told me to watch a movie from the hackiest of hacks! The team that makes up for lack of originality by shoving crappy CGI effects down our throats. The gang that force feed people "camp" and expect us to swallow it! I would rather watch a marathon of Nick Millard's home movies of Death Nurse taking a hot lesbian shower with Edith Massey than to watch another goddamn ASYLUM movie! The whole lot can shove a sharknadicane right up their asses!

BONUS: They all fucking die. There. I just saved you the trouble of watching this.

Evil Spawn VHS Cover

Half naked broad? Check

Ugly demon broad? Check

Strange Bug guy? Check

John Carradine looking like he smelled this movie? Check

Eraserhead (1977)

Eraserhead (1977)

Director: David Lynch

Stars: Jack Nance, Charlotte Stewart, Allen Joseph

While I was only two years old when Eraserhead came out, meaning I didn't see it until about 1990, I probably would have understood it better if I had seen it in 1977, steeped as I was at that time in an endless series of disturbing Sesame Street psychedelic animation shorts. Or at least I would have been better able to just let it flow over me just like a song about living in a capital "I." Or a radiator.

Eraserhead has confounded and delighted cult film fans for over 35 years, but one thing we all understand is that it's not meant to have a traditional narrative, so it's okay to end each viewing scratching your head. You can try and pick apart the symbolism, or you can take it as a surrealist mood piece, but either way, you have to be thankful to this film for launching the feature career of one of America's greatest whackos. Just be glad you're not Henry, flipping between a terrifying reality and even more horrible nightmares, trying to raise a breathtaking baby while being the owner of one of the worst hairstyles of the 1970s. Everything is fine.

Six Things I Learned While Watching Eraserhead

1. The floor in the lobby of Henry's apartment building is a similar pattern to the floor of the Black Lodge in the Twin Peaks universe.

2. The moment where Mary bends down and looks at Henry through the bars at the end of the bed before leaving him alone with the baby calls to mind Bob looking through the bars on Laura Palmer's bed.

3. People speculate about what animal was used to make the deformed baby puppet, but no one seems to realize the baby is actually played by Lowly Worm from the Richard Scarry children's books.

4. When someone has a seizure at the dinner table, just act like nothing has happened, particularly when a seizure pales in comparison to the bleeding stop-motion Cornish game hen you were previously thinking about eating.

5. Babies are much more charming when they laugh than when they cry, unless they are monster babies.

6. We will probably get an explanation from the U.S. government regarding JFK's assassination before we get an explanation from David Lynch about Eraserhead.

Vegas Vampires (2003)

Vegas Vampires (2003)

Director: Fred "The Hammer" Williamson

Stars: Tom "Tiny" Lister, Daniel Baldwin (for 5 minutes),  Alex Wilkinson

So we're in Vegas, and it seems everyone's a damn vampire. The club goers, the valets, even that old lady beside you at the slot machine! Officer Andrew Johnson (Lister) has to stop a never ending group of vampires led by Q...no not the Star Trek villain. This Q is more like...a sometimes blurry Lou Reed with raccoon eyes and goth outfit bought at Hot Topic.

There's a couple of other subplots involving a couple getting married and Fred Williamson and Richard Roundtree as detectives who just randomly decide to road trip to Vegas. Who's the funky man who wants a $4.99 all you can eat breakfast buffet? SHAFT! Right on.

Look for a short but awesome cameo from one of my favorites, Bernie Casey!

Six Things I've Learned from Vegas Vampires

1. The woman in the eloping couple subplot may just be the worst actress ever created. Although a close runner up was mob bosses daughter who wore her thong underwear for a week.

2. If you've killed off a vampire by kicking it's head off (!!!), it might not be a good idea to show the same damn vampire in an entirely new location with his head crazy glued back on. I mean, it could be his twin brother but...I just lost all suspension of disbelief now. Thanks a lot movie.

3. Tiny Lister is getting not so tiny around the middle.

4. There are apparently a highly trained group of nuns who specifically kill vampires. This must be a shit job because the nun they send has the biggest attitude this side of a Flava of Love catfight. I'm very current.

5. They got the REAL KCi and Jo-Jo to be in this movie! Wait...they're playing in the vampire nightclub. That means....KCi AND JO-JO ARE VAMPIRES!! NOOOOOOO!!

6. I know that wearing jerseys of your favorite teams/players is always going to be considered stylish by some, but unless MLB or the NBA has given you permission, it's best to ask your actors to wear something a little less ...name brandy. There were so many blurs in front of people's shirts I thought the Flash was photobombing the set constantly. That fashion was one Fred Williamson should have put..."the Hammer" down on. Get it? Hammer? Oh shut up.

BONUS LESSON LEARNED!

You might be the worst cop/FBI agent ever if you have any doubts that a guy's a vampire when all he's doing is THIS:

I dunno...maybe he's hissing at another vampire.

Return of the Roller Blade Seven (1993)

Return of the Roller Blade Seven (1993)

Director: Donald G. Jackson

Stars: Scott Shaw, Joe Estevez, Don Stroud

This is the second sequel in a series that began with 1991's The Roller Blade Seven. Here we have an intentionally plotless film (they actually call it "Zen Filmmaking") based off of novels by producer and star Scott Shaw. Half naked ladies rollerblade in an aqueduct while Joe Estevez spouts bullshit and tries to convince Shaw to become evil. Frank Stallone plays a black knight, but does not threaten to gnaw anyone's knees off. Porn star Jill Kelly dry humps another chick next to a dude playing the congas. Everyone involved appears to be having a blast.

I would have liked this better if it had more naked rollerblading, a lot more fighting, and less talking, but you can't always get what you want. Turn off your brain and enjoy the yellow-filtered view, because you may enjoy this if you like 80s music videos. But don't try to understand what is going on, because you can't. As a bonus, there is a song at the end that describes the events of the film.

Six Things I've Learned From Return of the Roller Blade Seven

1. I think they got the idea for those old Rhino Video commercials with the two guys dancing around in the desert while saying stuff like "Oh virtuous Rhino" from this movie.

2. You have to be a damn good rollerblader to feel confident enough to rollerblade on concrete while topless and in a thong.

3. Every Sunday in Hell they eat fruit, carrots, and marshmallows, all garnished with rainbow sprinkles, off of a naked lady.

4. Never shroom with Karen Black.

5. After the apocalypse, they will still have phone service in L.A.

6. When you don't know what to do, don't do anything.

Strangers in Paradise VHS Cover

AKA Samurai Marionettes.

Hologram Man (1995)

Hologram Man (1995)

Director: Richard Pepin

Stars: Joe Lara, Evan Lurie, John Amos (for around 10 minutes)

Joe Lara is a pretty boy rookie cop who plays by the rules. Hell he even has the rules in his jacket pocket! So Joe and James Evans from Good Times try to protect a Governor from a crazy revolutionary terrorist who is built like a wrestler and has goofy long braids. Govenor goes down, James Evans goes down (DAMN DAMN DAMN!) and Joe arrests the terrorist (who goes by Slash Gallagher). Suddenly we're in the future (how long I have no idea) and we see that criminals are taken from their bodies and inserted into some giant computer grid wearing a rather too form fitting leotard. Slash's gang has broken him out, but they kinda goofed and let him loose as a walking talking killing hologram dude. Joe, who now sports a beard and wipes his ass with the rules, has to go after him by orders of the corporation that owns Los Angeles. There's more holograms, a guy with one eye, and the worst possible pick for a "genius" hacker I've ever seen.

Six Things I've Learned From Hologram Man

1. Slash Gallagher has most of the best lines, looks like a badass, AND is even more likable than the hero. I think it's just a wacky coincidence that the actor playing Slash co-wrote the script and came up with the story.
 

2. If I had the ability to have runny silly putty molded around me, I'd probably do it as someone that wasn't wanted by the entire city. Maybe a gruff but lovable shop owner who sells plastic souvenirs of Robobcop and Lawnmower Man, two movies this film ripped off (entertainingly I admit) .

3. If you're going to have a hacker genius in your movie, there are probably at least 50,000 better people to pick than the talking Larry, Darryl and Darryl  guy from Newhart.

4. It's probably not in your best interest to tell the guy who did all the hard work for you that you're going to keep being an asshole no matter what...especially if they can easily kill you right there. It's best to drive a few miles first and then call. It's the future, they should have cell phones in their brains by then.

5. The message of this film is not to save a large city (where the only people that live there seem to be cannon fodder policemen and sleazy thugs) or to even stop technology when it falls into the wrong hands, it's to vote. VOTE!

6. Joe Lara may be a terrible actor (he was also in the syndicated Tarzan back in the 90's), but shave the beard, through some makeup on him, strap on some boobs and you'll have a wonderful night and the worst morning after of your life.

See what I mean?