Thursday, August 8, 2013

Hologram Man (1995)

Hologram Man (1995)
Director: Richard Pepin
Stars: Joe Lara, Evan Lurie, John Amos (for around 10 minutes)

Joe Lara is a pretty boy rookie cop who plays by the rules. Hell he even has the rules in his jacket pocket! So Joe and James Evans from Good Times try to protect a Governor from a crazy revolutionary terrorist who is built like a wrestler and has goofy long braids. Govenor goes down, James Evans goes down (DAMN DAMN DAMN!) and Joe arrests the terrorist (who goes by Slash Gallagher). Suddenly we're in the future (how long I have no idea) and we see that criminals are taken from their bodies and inserted into some giant computer grid wearing a rather too form fitting leotard. Slash's gang has broken him out, but they kinda goofed and let him loose as a walking talking killing hologram dude. Joe, who now sports a beard and wipes his ass with the rules, has to go after him by orders of the corporation that owns Los Angeles. There's more holograms, a guy with one eye, and the worst possible pick for a "genius" hacker I've ever seen.

Six Things I've Learned From Hologram Man

1. Slash Gallagher has most of the best lines, looks like a badass, AND is even more likable than the hero. I think it's just a wacky coincidence that the actor playing Slash co-wrote the script and came up with the story.
2. If I had the ability to have runny silly putty molded around me, I'd probably do it as someone that wasn't wanted by the entire city. Maybe a gruff but lovable shop owner who sells plastic souvenirs of Robobcop and Lawnmower Man, two movies this film ripped off (entertainingly I admit) .

3. If you're going to have a hacker genius in your movie, there are probably at least 50,000 better people to pick than the talking Larry, Darryl and Darryl  guy from Newhart.

4. It's probably not in your best interest to tell the guy who did all the hard work for you that you're going to keep being an asshole no matter what...especially if they can easily kill you right there. It's best to drive a few miles first and then call. It's the future, they should have cell phones in their brains by then.

5. The message of this film is not to save a large city (where the only people that live there seem to be cannon fodder policemen and sleazy thugs) or to even stop technology when it falls into the wrong hands, it's to vote. VOTE!

6. Joe Lara may be a terrible actor (he was also in the syndicated Tarzan back in the 90's), but shave the beard, through some makeup on him, strap on some boobs and you'll have a wonderful night and the worst morning after of your life.

See what I mean?

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