Return of the Roller Blade Seven (1993)

Return of the Roller Blade Seven (1993)

Director: Donald G. Jackson

Stars: Scott Shaw, Joe Estevez, Don Stroud

This is the second sequel in a series that began with 1991's The Roller Blade Seven. Here we have an intentionally plotless film (they actually call it "Zen Filmmaking") based off of novels by producer and star Scott Shaw. Half naked ladies rollerblade in an aqueduct while Joe Estevez spouts bullshit and tries to convince Shaw to become evil. Frank Stallone plays a black knight, but does not threaten to gnaw anyone's knees off. Porn star Jill Kelly dry humps another chick next to a dude playing the congas. Everyone involved appears to be having a blast.

I would have liked this better if it had more naked rollerblading, a lot more fighting, and less talking, but you can't always get what you want. Turn off your brain and enjoy the yellow-filtered view, because you may enjoy this if you like 80s music videos. But don't try to understand what is going on, because you can't. As a bonus, there is a song at the end that describes the events of the film.

Six Things I've Learned From Return of the Roller Blade Seven

1. I think they got the idea for those old Rhino Video commercials with the two guys dancing around in the desert while saying stuff like "Oh virtuous Rhino" from this movie.

2. You have to be a damn good rollerblader to feel confident enough to rollerblade on concrete while topless and in a thong.

3. Every Sunday in Hell they eat fruit, carrots, and marshmallows, all garnished with rainbow sprinkles, off of a naked lady.

4. Never shroom with Karen Black.

5. After the apocalypse, they will still have phone service in L.A.

6. When you don't know what to do, don't do anything.