Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Vegas Vampires (2003)

Vegas Vampires (2003)
Director: Fred "The Hammer" Williamson
Stars: Tom "Tiny" Lister, Daniel Baldwin (for 5 minutes),  Alex Wilkinson

So we're in Vegas, and it seems everyone's a damn vampire. The club goers, the valets, even that old lady beside you at the slot machine! Officer Andrew Johnson (Lister) has to stop a never ending group of vampires led by not the Star Trek villain. This Q is more like...a sometimes blurry Lou Reed with raccoon eyes and goth outfit bought at Hot Topic.

There's a couple of other subplots involving a couple getting married and Fred Williamson and Richard Roundtree as detectives who just randomly decide to road trip to Vegas. Who's the funky man who wants a $4.99 all you can eat breakfast buffet? SHAFT! Right on.

Look for a short but awesome cameo from one of my favorites, Bernie Casey!

Six Things I've Learned from Vegas Vampires

1. The woman in the eloping couple subplot may just be the worst actress ever created. Although a close runner up was mob bosses daughter who wore her thong underwear for a week.

2. If you've killed off a vampire by kicking it's head off (!!!), it might not be a good idea to show the same damn vampire in an entirely new location with his head crazy glued back on. I mean, it could be his twin brother but...I just lost all suspension of disbelief now. Thanks a lot movie.

3. Tiny Lister is getting not so tiny around the middle.

4. There are apparently a highly trained group of nuns who specifically kill vampires. This must be a shit job because the nun they send has the biggest attitude this side of a Flava of Love catfight. I'm very current.

5. They got the REAL KCi and Jo-Jo to be in this movie! Wait...they're playing in the vampire nightclub. That means....KCi AND JO-JO ARE VAMPIRES!! NOOOOOOO!!

6. I know that wearing jerseys of your favorite teams/players is always going to be considered stylish by some, but unless MLB or the NBA has given you permission, it's best to ask your actors to wear something a little less brandy. There were so many blurs in front of people's shirts I thought the Flash was photobombing the set constantly. That fashion was one Fred Williamson should have put..."the Hammer" down on. Get it? Hammer? Oh shut up.


You might be the worst cop/FBI agent ever if you have any doubts that a guy's a vampire when all he's doing is THIS:

I dunno...maybe he's hissing at another vampire.

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