Detroit Rock City (1999)

Detroit Rock City (1999)

Director: Adam Rifkin

Stars: The Kid from Terminator 2, a sane(?) Natasha Lyonne, Gene Simmons'wife

This isn't a complicated story, and since it's for KISS fans, that's probably a good thing (I'm a KISS fan btw). Four doofuses win tickets to a KISS concert in Detroit, but they face multiple obstacles, most notably one guy's insane Carpenters lovin' KISS hatin mom (played by the gross landlady in Kingpin). When they get to Detroit, they find out they DIDN'T win the tickets and each of them go to their own story subplots to find tickets. Spoiler: They see KISS. 

Six Things I've Learned From Detroit Rock City

1. So apparently in the 70's and somewhat in the 80's, there was this epidemic of hiring the creepiest security guards to watch our nations schools. I bet the checklist of the correspondence course included greasy hair, leering eyes, and a hankering for a hunk of jailbait.

2. I'd imagine stripping in a club with ugly horny old ladies AND Ron Jeremy watching would make me throw up as well.

3. Getting a priest trippin off of schrooms may be a damnable offense, but not if the priest is Joe Flathery.

4. Because of this film, Stretch Armstrong has opened up legislation on banning stretchy toys. Many kids have taken to putting bumper stickers on their power wheels that says "You'll get my toys by prying it from my cold dead hands".

5. The "Sexual" encounter between T2 kid and Mrs. Gene Simmons is exactly how 99% of my sexual encounters go.

6. I have to admit, how the guys get the tickets is a pretty damn clever way for their feeble minds.

Hot Dog: The Movie (1984)

Hot Dog: The Movie (1984)

Director: Peter Markle

Stars: David Naughton, Shannon Tweed, Tracy Smith

An Idaho ski wunderkind travels to a big time ski competition. He picks up an annoying hitchhiker along the way and the love/lust tension follows. He falls in with a rowdy group of skiers led by Mister Making It himself David Naughton and they take on the asshole Europeans. They even give the big downhill slope the name Chinese Downhil. Because it's slanted. Haw haw.

Six Things I've Learned From Hot Dog: The Movie

1. Always keep your eyes to the face when your hotel clerk walks in wearing just a smile. Manners!

2. Never take drugs and get trapped in a sauna with sleazy European people. I learned that the hard way. Couldn't sit down for a couple days and felt dirty.

3. In every ragtag group, there should always be an asian guy. And he only speaks english when he wants to know what the fuck is going on.

4. So even though the hitchhiker girlfrfriend gets mad at Idaho and leaves him, he doesn't seem the bit surprised that she pops back up like nothing happened when he clearly won the competition. She still slept with the sleazy European guy!

5. Why wasn't there a bigger deal made when Idaho clearly won the competition!? I'm sure there would have been a Sports Illustrated article about rigging skiing com...I couldn't finish that with a straight face.

6. I didn't see one damn hot dog in this film. Talk about false advertising!