Abberdine County Conjuror (2006)

Abberdine County Conjuror (2006)

Director: A guy with real women issues

Stars: A bunch of women the director touches himself in naughty places to

I'm going to forgo the whole "Six things" bit and just go on a rant. 

I watched a half an hour of this movie before turning it off in disgust. Was the subject matter too disturbing for me? Shit no. There's pretty much no gore from what I saw in this shitbox. No, I turned it off because THIS is bad indie filmmaking at its worst.

First off, the running time. This stupid movie clocks in at 2 hours and 16 minutes. This ain't fucking Lord of the Rings, although I did wish a few of those trees in the campground you filmed at would have come to life and stomped the characters into the ground. There's no fucking need for any horror movie to be two hours long unless it's The Shining, and I know damn well Kubrick didn't rise from the grave to make this half baked turd. How about cutting out the hour or so of random footage of your "actors" just saying random shit. Just because you shot 70 hours of footage doesn't mean you have to use every last bit of it!

Now let's talk about Jeff Cooper, the director of this movie. He seems to have this fetish of women being tortured and beaten. Also, he looks like Wolfman Outback Jack. But I can overlook that. What I can't overlook is that you are a fucking terrible director. Let me give you a checklist of what you did wrong.

-Not spending the extra couple hundred bucks to get a fucking external microphone and boom pole. I know that would cut in on your paying women to show their tits fund, but maybe then people could understand all the shitty dialogue your actors had to say. WHY IS HAVING GOOD AUDIO SO FUCKING HARD FOR THESE COCKCLOWNS TO UNDERSTAND!?

-Your script. I couldn't really hear it, but what I could hear of it sucks.

- Editing. WHY IS THERE A TEN MINUTE SCENE OF TWO DUMB ASSES READING SOME BEATEN UP FORTUNE TELLER'S DIARY TO MOCK HER?! You can strap a camera to your gut and film yourself walking around the woods 3 or 4 times to break it up, but a better idea would have been take some scissors, grab the tape with that footage, and stab the tape like it's taking a shower in black and white..

-Acting. Was there not a community theater you could raid for ANY acting talent? As it is, the movie consists of some guy who dies, lots of questionable looking women, and you as the fake Australian Asshole hunter. Oh and a puppet who out acts the lead actress. I'd rather watch David The Rock Nelson play every role in a shot for shot remake of Deep Throat than to finish this movie.

THIS is what's wrong with indie horror. Any fucking moron with a $200 camera thinks he has the talent to make a film. Some of these chucklefucks think they can even WRITE one as well. You can't. Take a little bit of time to learn your craft even a tiny bit. there are plenty of indie horror films out there made by people who genuinely love the genre and take the time to realize that watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre 146 times doesn't make you a director.  THOSE people get hurt because all anyone ever sees is shitheap films on netflix and the piss poor collections of knuckle dragging stupidity that Pendulum Picture farts out to poor dumb bastards like myself.

Yes, I love bad movies...but I love bad movies that entertain. Suburban Sasquatch entertained me even though it had a budget of 4 bucks and a McDonald's happy meal. Abberdine, according to IMDb, had a budget of 10 grand and made me daydream of razor blade sunglasses. If "I" had 10 thousand dollars, I could make a better movie.

 You know what?  I think that's what I'm going to do.

Thank you Jeff Cooper for getting me off my ass and work towards making my own horror film this year. I'll be sure to give you a big "thank you" in the credits . Fucking hack.

Undefeatable (1993)

Undefeatable (1993)

Director: Godfrey Hall

Stars: Cynthia Rothrock, Don Niam, John Miller

Cynthia Rothrock was one of those rare female martial arts stars in the late 80's- mid 90's. I mean rare not in that she was a female kicking butt, which she did to an above average degree, but that she may be the only action star that looks like she's going to drop the kids off at soccer practice. Not that that's a bad thing, I'm sure some people have a fetish for that, but it does make you wonder what happens at PTA meetings when things don't go her way.

Cynthia is a waitress who fights men on the side for extra pocket cash. She's also working hard to send her daughter sister through college. She gets arrested because them side fights aren't exactly legal and the main cop takes a likin' to her.

On the other side of town, we have Stingray. Stingray is your average run of the mill sadistic fighter who enjoys nice flowers, a good dinner, and forcibly raping his wife/girlfriend. She has enough and leaves, which causes Stingray to go off his rocker and start killing women who look like his beloved. Oh he has mommy issues as well.

So Stingray's chocolate gets stuck in Rothrock's peanut butter when her sister is murdered by Stingray. She and her stalkish cop pal try to reach him before he kills again. Spoiler: He does.

Six Things I Took From Undefeatable

1. If the woman you run into does NOT look like your ex, it's only polite to apologize about running into her. Be a crazy serial killer...DON'T be an asshole.

2. Apparently you can enroll people in college without their permission! Won't my neighbor be mad when he finds out I enrolled him at Yale. He really wanted to go to Harvard.

3. In this city, everyone knows kickboxing. From the waitresses, to the shoppers, to the psychiatrists. Sure it cuts down on the tourists shoplifting, but when everyone can kick your ass, no one can kick your ass. Put THAT in a fortune cookie.

4. I know it probably looks cool, but fish don't appreciate you decorating their tanks with eyeballs. Get a nice neon castle for them to swim in and out of. It's not always about you.

5. I'm not blaming the victims here, because the man was obviously deranged, but if you're going to out with giant hair and dressed like you're going to the mall, maybe....it's not such a bad thing.

6. All during this movie, there was this odd feeling that I knew this film. No, not from the bonus clip, but the overall tone of the movie. It's right at the tip of my tongue though...I wonder what this director Godfrey Hall has done. Checking.....

...Godfrey Hall

Godfrey Ho

SON OF A BITCH!

While I try to get over this Ho down, here's the final fight from this shitheap. I'll be..."seeing" you again soon. I'm sorry.

The Innocent (2006)

The Innocent (2006)

Director: Stuart Brennan

Stars: Stuart Brennan, Babajide Fadojutimi, Charlotte Rayner

Okay look...I have no issues with no budget movies. Obviously I have a perverse enjoyment of them because of how many I make myself sit through. Hell, sometimes they turn out fun like Suburban Sasquatch, Other times they turn out like this.

Four annoying assholes ride around in a car going to storage units buying pot and then going camping in the woods. They find a building, weird shit happens, and people die. That's it. Not an unusual plot, but here's the thing...I don't know what happened in the movie.

Yeah, I watched it. I watched all 72 minutes of it, and I still don't know what the fuck happened. The audio consists of the mic on the camera, and at least 80% of the film is lit by moonlight. The fact that someone (Pendulum Pictures) thought this was good enough to put on a DVD set makes me regret spending the two bucks on it. Doesn't mean I won't watch the other five movies in the set, just that I'll regret it.

Six Things I Took From The Innocent

1. Greasy drug dealers live in storage bins. Now there's an episode of Storage Wars no one wants to see. I mean besides every other episode of Storage Wars.

2. Speaking of the drug deal, be sure to show every single awkward exchange in said drug deal to pad out the film even more. Oh and make sure those people are never seen again.

3. If you're too damn cheap to get a real mic, the very least you can do is to not film your actors talking from the other side of the fucking woods. No, I don't care what they're saying, but it might be helpful to the two yahoos who want to know what the fuck's going on in this film.

4. Want to kill someone but not sure how to write a new character in the script? Just have some naked guy run out and drown one of the actresses. There's a similar deleted scene on the blu ray for Ordinary People.

5. If two ghost kids are arguing in front of you, it's a good idea to just keep your damn mouth shut and not try to help one of them out. They're already dead you fucking idiot. You aren't. Wait...now you are. Good.

6. When the movie first started, the opening seemed kind of off. Then there was a minute of just black and then the credits started again. I then realized that Pendulum Pictures just took whatever these putzes sent them and slapped them on the disc. The first opening was really just a trailer and the minute of blackness (as opposed to the rest of the movie later on) wasn't suppose to be there. If Pendulum Pictures didn't give enough of a shit about this film to do a two minute edit of the trailer, that should have been the big flashing neon sign that I shouldn't either. I just never fucking learn.

Karate Warrior 2 (1988)

Karate Warrior 2 (1988)

Director: Fabrizio De Angelis

Stars: Kim Rossi Stuart, Amy Lynn Baxter, Ted Pryor (?)

Never thought I'd see an Italian Karate Kid ripoff, but here we are. Not sure why I didn't see the first one, but I'll remedy that soon. They actually made six of these films, but only the first two has Kim Rossi Stuart in it. after that, it was a revolving door of wannabe Macchios. 

After saving the day in the first film, our hero Anthony Scott and his sweet pillowy girl lips is going off to college! His grandparents give him a sweet new car, which he promptly runs into the swamp when some douchebags in a car airbrushed with a tiger runs him off the road for no reason. 

After getting picked up by some rich guy named Luke and becoming friends, Anthony goes out to find who fucked up his sweet ride. Turns out the culprits are a gang of karate geeks called the Tigers (big shock), lead by the appropriately named Dick. Anthony challenges Dick to a fair fight, and Dick, trying to rig the fight with chloroform, still gets his ass kicked. If that's not enough, Anthony also is stealing Dick's girl! So what should Dick do? If your answer is hire a karate champion that just got out of prison for drugs to kill Anthony, then you've seen the movie already and are just being a dick yourselves.

Will Anthony beat this new psychopath? Will true love blossom between Anthony and a playboy/penthouse gal? Will Luke actually get a spine? 

Six Things I Took From Karate Warrior 2

1. The Tigers are the goofiest gang I have seen in a movie, and I freeze frame the Warriors at the big gathering scene to pick out all the goofy looking gangs. These guys look like average douchebags jock college guys. That's all. And for a gang that terrorizes the town so badly, they sure as fuck have a lot of supporters when Dick gets his ass beaten by Anthony. Oh and great job giving one guy the hokiest hick voice this side of Hee Haw.

2. Luke is the wimpiest sidekick in recent memory. They dubbed him in this whiny voice, he barely has his buddy's back, and gets his ass kicked even when he has a gun pointed at someone. The only thing I didn't see was someone kicking sand in his face. Maybe Eddie Deezen turned down the role.

3. Forcing someone to become your friend in exchange for a ride is worse than forcing them to have sex with you. Look pal, I'll give you a handjob, I just don't wanna hang out in your house eating caviar.

4. I find it odd that Anthony wrecks his car, some guy in an airboat offers to help, and I guess steals it for his own because we never see the sweet ride again. You'd think Anthony would be more concerned about getting back the car that his grandparents probably hocked their life savings for instead of trying to pick fights and cock block leaders of gangs. I bet he don't send christmas cards to them either. Sad.

5. Fun fact: chloroform when apply to the face by sponge doesn't knock you out but merely makes your eyes blurry so Dick can kick you in the face and blurry it some more. How do you not know your cornerman is rubbing a substance that has one of the most distinct smells in the world all over your face?

6. As you may have noticed, Ted Prior's name is in this film...only it's spelled Pryor. I was excited because I know that Ted always gives a pretty fun performance in whatever he does. But when his character is seen for the first time (he's billed as the psycho karate champion) I notice one problem...IT'S NOT FUCKING TED PRIOR! I came here specifically for the Prior, and instead I got this generic beefed up blond dumbass. Not that I didn't like this film, but the lack of Ted made this film from a B+ to a B-. That's a lesson to you all, if you advertise the Ted, you better fucking deliver the Ted!

Revolt (1986)

Revolt (1986)

Director: J. Shaybany

Stars: Rand Martin, Fattaneh, Guest Star Sepehrnia 

In our second special audio review, We look at a movie so terrible, IMDb refuses to have it on it's site.

Check out this "awesome" fighting clip from Revolt! 

Bruka: Queen of Evil (1973)

Bruka: Queen of Evil (1973)

Director: Felix Villar, Albert Yu

Stars: Rosemarie Gil, Etang Discher, Sandra De Veyra

In our first audio review, I take a look at this super rare batshit crazy flick about an angry Medusa and her wormy grandma.

Listen here!


Here's the kooky trailer!