Friday, January 31, 2014

Abberdine County Conjuror (2006)

Abberdine County Conjuror (2006)
Director: A guy with real women issues
Stars: A bunch of women the director touches himself in naughty places to

I'm going to forgo the whole "Six things" bit and just go on a rant. 

I watched a half an hour of this movie before turning it off in disgust. Was the subject matter too disturbing for me? Shit no. There's pretty much no gore from what I saw in this shitbox. No, I turned it off because THIS is bad indie filmmaking at its worst.

First off, the running time. This stupid movie clocks in at 2 hours and 16 minutes. This ain't fucking Lord of the Rings, although I did wish a few of those trees in the campground you filmed at would have come to life and stomped the characters into the ground. There's no fucking need for any horror movie to be two hours long unless it's The Shining, and I know damn well Kubrick didn't rise from the grave to make this half baked turd. How about cutting out the hour or so of random footage of your "actors" just saying random shit. Just because you shot 70 hours of footage doesn't mean you have to use every last bit of it!

Now let's talk about Jeff Cooper, the director of this movie. He seems to have this fetish of women being tortured and beaten. Also, he looks like Wolfman Outback Jack. But I can overlook that. What I can't overlook is that you are a fucking terrible director. Let me give you a checklist of what you did wrong.

-Not spending the extra couple hundred bucks to get a fucking external microphone and boom pole. I know that would cut in on your paying women to show their tits fund, but maybe then people could understand all the shitty dialogue your actors had to say. WHY IS HAVING GOOD AUDIO SO FUCKING HARD FOR THESE COCKCLOWNS TO UNDERSTAND!?

-Your script. I couldn't really hear it, but what I could hear of it sucks.
- Editing. WHY IS THERE A TEN MINUTE SCENE OF TWO DUMB ASSES READING SOME BEATEN UP FORTUNE TELLER'S DIARY TO MOCK HER?! You can strap a camera to your gut and film yourself walking around the woods 3 or 4 times to break it up, but a better idea would have been take some scissors, grab the tape with that footage, and stab the tape like it's taking a shower in black and white..

-Acting. Was there not a community theater you could raid for ANY acting talent? As it is, the movie consists of some guy who dies, lots of questionable looking women, and you as the fake Australian Asshole hunter. Oh and a puppet who out acts the lead actress. I'd rather watch David The Rock Nelson play every role in a shot for shot remake of Deep Throat than to finish this movie.

THIS is what's wrong with indie horror. Any fucking moron with a $200 camera thinks he has the talent to make a film. Some of these chucklefucks think they can even WRITE one as well. You can't. Take a little bit of time to learn your craft even a tiny bit. there are plenty of indie horror films out there made by people who genuinely love the genre and take the time to realize that watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre 146 times doesn't make you a director.  THOSE people get hurt because all anyone ever sees is shitheap films on netflix and the piss poor collections of knuckle dragging stupidity that Pendulum Picture farts out to poor dumb bastards like myself.

Yes, I love bad movies...but I love bad movies that entertain. Suburban Sasquatch entertained me even though it had a budget of 4 bucks and a McDonald's happy meal. Abberdine, according to IMDb, had a budget of 10 grand and made me daydream of razor blade sunglasses. If "I" had 10 thousand dollars, I could make a better movie.

 You know what?  I think that's what I'm going to do.
Thank you Jeff Cooper for getting me off my ass and work towards making my own horror film this year. I'll be sure to give you a big "thank you" in the credits . Fucking hack.

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