Thursday, January 16, 2014

The Innocent (2006)

The Innocent (2006)
Director: Stuart Brennan
Stars: Stuart Brennan, Babajide Fadojutimi, Charlotte Rayner

Okay look...I have no issues with no budget movies. Obviously I have a perverse enjoyment of them because of how many I make myself sit through. Hell, sometimes they turn out fun like Suburban Sasquatch, Other times they turn out like this.

Four annoying assholes ride around in a car going to storage units buying pot and then going camping in the woods. They find a building, weird shit happens, and people die. That's it. Not an unusual plot, but here's the thing...I don't know what happened in the movie.

Yeah, I watched it. I watched all 72 minutes of it, and I still don't know what the fuck happened. The audio consists of the mic on the camera, and at least 80% of the film is lit by moonlight. The fact that someone (Pendulum Pictures) thought this was good enough to put on a DVD set makes me regret spending the two bucks on it. Doesn't mean I won't watch the other five movies in the set, just that I'll regret it.

Six Things I Took From The Innocent

1. Greasy drug dealers live in storage bins. Now there's an episode of Storage Wars no one wants to see. I mean besides every other episode of Storage Wars.

2. Speaking of the drug deal, be sure to show every single awkward exchange in said drug deal to pad out the film even more. Oh and make sure those people are never seen again.

3. If you're too damn cheap to get a real mic, the very least you can do is to not film your actors talking from the other side of the fucking woods. No, I don't care what they're saying, but it might be helpful to the two yahoos who want to know what the fuck's going on in this film.

4. Want to kill someone but not sure how to write a new character in the script? Just have some naked guy run out and drown one of the actresses. There's a similar deleted scene on the blu ray for Ordinary People.

5. If two ghost kids are arguing in front of you, it's a good idea to just keep your damn mouth shut and not try to help one of them out. They're already dead you fucking idiot. You aren't. you are. Good.

6. When the movie first started, the opening seemed kind of off. Then there was a minute of just black and then the credits started again. I then realized that Pendulum Pictures just took whatever these putzes sent them and slapped them on the disc. The first opening was really just a trailer and the minute of blackness (as opposed to the rest of the movie later on) wasn't suppose to be there. If Pendulum Pictures didn't give enough of a shit about this film to do a two minute edit of the trailer, that should have been the big flashing neon sign that I shouldn't either. I just never fucking learn.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Add your 2 cents here!