The Visitor (1979)

The Visitor (1979)

Director: Giulio Paradisi

Stars: John Huston, Glenn Ford, Lance Henriksen

So apparently Space Satan was being a real bastard when Space God sent tons of birds to fight him. Space Satan, instead of turning into a Space cannon, turns into an eagle and kills most of them before becoming mortally wounded himself. He then decides to have sex with LOTS of women so his seed can carry out his plan to break shit and be assholes to the world. At least that's what Space Jesus is telling a group of bald children.

So Space God (Huston) comes in and says there's a demon he has to get...which is in the form of the bitchiest 8 year old girl ever created. She blows up basketballs, makes shit fall, and plays pong a lot.  Seems there's a plan for the Bad Seed to have a baby brother, whether the mother wants one or not. The Space demon/Illuminati sends the always sweet faced Lance Henriksen to do the job. When that doesn't work they go all date rapey.

Throw in Shelley Winters as the new housekeeper to the mom and devil child. She knows the score and proceeds to slap this little demon around...hopefully for our amusement. All this is going on while Space God is casually just strolling around without a care in the world.

I was VERY hesitant to watch this last night, figuring it to be another of those boring late 70's space movies where people talk A LOT. I was wrong...oh so very wrong. This movie is a glorious insane mess. How in the world they got John Huston, Glenn Ford, Mel Ferrer, Shelly Winters and Sam Peckinpah to be in this I'll never know.

Alamo Drafthouse Films has recently released a blu ray of this fantastic mess. So by all means pick this up. Here's a trailer to give you a taste of madness.

Six Things (I Think) I Took from The Visitor

1. If you're on the trail of a devil child and pissing her off, maybe when she sends her asshole hawk to peck your eyes out while you're driving maybe it's best if you instead of weaving at full speed between cars that you hit that bigger pad. It's called a "brake". It does things like stop so you can deal with your nasty little hawk pecking out your eyeballs problem.

2. Never in the history of cinema has there ever been as exciting an ice skating scene as the one in this film. Watch demon child knock motherfuckers with bad hair all over the place! See these assholes fail to beat up an 8 year old girl! Slow motion crashing free of charge!

3. At one point a space semi stops and we end up with a very disturbing scene I like to call "Close Encounters of the Rape Kind" as the Space Illuminati proceeds to impregnate the mom themselves. Not cool space demons...not cool.

4. I love Space God's theme music. It's like some cross between an action packed chase scene and the 6 O'Clock News. Here's Space Jesus with Action Weather!

5. I like that Shelley Winters does all this shit to help out Space God, including killing that pesky hawk that murdered Glenn Ford, and when she asks to go up to space Heaven is told "thanks for your help, now fuck off". Maybe Space God didn't say it exactly like that, but you could tell he was thinking it. Space jerk.

6. This movie makes no damn sense. So the whole purpose of Obi WannabeGod was to wander around Atlanta, let an innocent woman, whose only crime was having sex with Space Satan and having a demon seed, get shot in the spine (ON PURPOSE), plays pong with the demon child, lets the mom get beaten up multiple times, and unleashes more birds than a Prince video to do his dirty work....all so he can take demon kids to space Heaven? Why did Space God go and not hippie Space Jesus (an uncredited Franco Nero)? And why is everyone bald but these two?  Is it so they don't have competition for space chicks!? How many times do I have to write space in this article!?

The Apple (1980)

The Apple (1980)

Director: Menahem Golan

Stars: Catherine Mary Stewart, George Gilmour, Grace Kennedy

I admit to being a sucker for movie musicals of the 70's/early 80's. Grease, Phantom of the Paradise, even the Wiz has it's charm (in a weird way). So when I had a chance to watch The Apple, I thought "I really need to review something so why not".

Immediate regret.

The Apple is about a future (well...1994) where the world is pretty much run by a record label, BIM. this global dictatorship is run by the "mysterious" Mr. Boogaloo. No I'm not kidding. Great name for your lead villain, Golan. Apparently he surrounds himself with people so camp, drag queens would think they were gaudy.

I...got nothing.

So these wide eyed kids from Moosejaw, Alphie and Bibi enter an American Idol like contest, and when they seem to be winning, BIM goes into action. They rig the contest and then offer contracts to our heroes. Bibi accepts but Alphie knows that something is wrong and tries to stop it. He fails pretty badly several times. 

Eventually they get back together with the help of some hippies and they everyone sings songs that you forget three minutes after hearing them. The plot is a mishmash of several other more popular musical films, and to be honest, I didn't give a shit about any of these people. I don't give a shit about anyone who was involved with this movie and hope that they have to watch this on a loop for the rest of their lives while wearing a tiny silver bananna hammock.

Six Things I Took From The Apple (non STD edition)

1. The vehicles in this film were all created using the drawings of every 8 year old boy ever made. LOTS OF HEADLIGHTS! SHARP CORNERS EVERYWHERE! GET THOSE FUCKING FINS ON THAT STATION WAGON STAT!

2. Nothing says evil like a fey middle aged tracksuit wearing Doug McClure lookalike dancing around.

I wasn't kidding.

3. Take one part Jesus Christ Superstar, throw in a dash of Grease, and spill some Faust into it for this trainwreck of a movie

4. There's one song called "I'm Coming For You" that takes place when one of the bad guys tries to seduce Alphie in a giant room filled with people pretending to be having sexual relations on multiple beds. In case you were wondering, the title of the song is probably meant to be taken literally...or if it was a Slade song it'd be "I'm Cumming For You".  I imagine that's what Studio 54 was like in the 70's.

5. In 1994, we're all suppose to be wearing clothing so shiny that some people will get jobs laying in front of people's car windshields to keep the sun out.

6. I know I'm spoiling the ending, but fuck it.. This movie ends the only logical way it does...with God coming out of the sky in a gold fancy car and taking Alphie, Bibi, the hippies, and at least a couple of the Village People away. Yes, it's the Disco Rapture. So the Devil (it's a much better name than Mr. Boogaloo) tells God (using a goofy fake name as well) "You can't live without me" to which "God" says "Fuck you buddy, you go make out with your creepy Grace Jones looking guy-who-hangs-out-at-the-laundromat-with-no-laundry like sidekick and your ugly bald vampire security" and struts away. Fuck you Golan, and Globus too for good measure.

Sweet ride, isn't it?

Potpourri (2011)

Potpourri (2011)

Director: Elliot Diviney

Stars: Ryan Kiser, Mike Borka, Shannon McDonnough

After picking some less than stellar selections on Netflix, I decided to see if my wife could pick a better choice. This is the movie she chose.

A group of college students have one night to finish their term papers amd turn it in. Seems like an impossible task? Well of course it does. So how do you cope with trying to do a deeply researched paper on philosophy? If you said take lots of mind altering drugs, then that couch behind you probably told you that. Quit cheating.

Things gets a little out of control as it turns out the drugs are a bit...stronger than they should be. Of course this all ends with a zombie invasion. It's the only logical conclusion.

This is of course a horror comedy, and while I admit to be hesitant to watch horror comedies because of how badly most low budget filmmakers pull it off, this one actually did it. I admit it, I enjoyed the hell out of this movie. Good camerawork, a cast that can actually act, ad some pretty good gore effects to boot. 

Holy shit, they DO put more than unwatchable new crap on Netflix!

Six Things I Took From Potpourri

1. Noah may be the coolest character this side of Dazed and Confused's Wooderson, except without the creepy pedo stach and bright orange jeans. I only have the orange jeans. They make my butt look huge.

2. They had a k-y type jelly that once put on your chest , would make you trip. A couple guys ended up in a wooded King Arthur like place, killing barbarians and saving princesses. I took the same stuff and ended up stuck in a pipe with my bare ass hanging out thinking I was Mario. Maybe if I had a mushroom...

3. There is a musical number about great philosophers. Yes, it's a drug induced hallucination, but it's a catchy song  that stuck in my head afterwards. Shannon McDonnough's charming hipster character (and great singing voice) doesn't hurt things.

4. It's pretty refreshing to see a gay character in a movie and you're not being bashed in the head with "HEY THIS GUY IS GAY! LOOK AT HOW GAY HE IS!". He was a realistic, funny character. Bravo, Mr. Diviney.

5. This movie pokes fun at the online movie reviewer by having one "watching" the movie with comments every so often. Outside of a zombie invasion, it's eerily similar to how I watch a movie. I think guys like me jumped the shark, then took the shark out to dinner, slept with it, and then sent them a text saying it wasn't working out. It wasn't the shark...it was me.

6. Drugs don't write term papers, guys you meet in public bathrooms do.