Thursday, May 30, 2013

River of Darkness (2011)

River of Darkness (2011)
Director: Bruce Koehler
Stars: Kurt Angle, Bill Hinzman, Kevin Nash

Someone or something is killing off the townspeople and putting them into goofy poses. It's up to the unlikable and eternally confused sheriff (Kurt Angle) to find out who's behind it. But what he finds may be beyond his comprehension. I'm talking about giant dead wrestlers here.

You will believe a man can be "noodled", and I'm not talking about that time your wacky uncle made spaghetti come out of his nose from laughing too hard at the Olive Garden.

Six Things I've Learned from River of Darkness

1. Nothing identifies a sheriff's car more than putting "sheriff" on the side of your truck using letters you'd put on your mailbox.

2. I love that one of the "actors" in this movie is credited as Ray "Glacier" Lloyd (he's a former WCW wrestler). I think from now on, I want to be known as Dan "Hot Coffee" Lashley. You know, because I'll burn the roof of your mouth.

3. In one scene EVERY SINGLE PERSON is wearing plaid. This film single handedly saved the plaid shirt industry.

4. I'm not sure how you feel apocalyptic, but I'd imagine it's pretty epic in nature. Probably with loud dramatic orchestra music playing.

5. This movie may very well be the greatest pairing of wrestlers and community theater actors the world has ever seen. I want to see Kurt Angle play Willy Loman in "Death of A Salesman With A BROKEN FREAKIN' NECK".

6.This film suffers from what I call "allovertheplaceitis". You got the confused sheriff talking to a crazy woman at church and a bait shop owner, you got the idiot with the ice related nickname whose best idea is to do the same thing that started this whole damn mess, and some college age dipshits with names like Hunter, Autumn, and Mackenzie who go out on a boat to meet the three dead stooges. Oh, and there's a surprise "twist" that comes out of nowhere because they NEVER FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT IN THE MOVIE!

This movie sucks. It's true, it's damn true.

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