Nail Gun Massacre (1985)

Nail Gun Massacre (1985)

Director: Terry Lofton

Stars: Rocky Patterson, Ron Queen, and Beau Leland

This low budget flick from Texas starts off with a good old fashioned gang rape. From there, no time is wasted as people show up only to be picked off by duct taped motorcycle helmet wearing, nail gun toting nutcase who spouts off such corny one liners, I would have requested a couple of nails for each eardrum. Add in the cliched fat sheriff, and a doctor who dresses like Bruce Springsteen (or at least the guitar player from Journey) and you got a recipe that nobody in their right mind asked for.

Six Things I've Learned From Nail Gun Massacre

1. Every single body has been found "four or five hours" after they've been killed, according to doctor denim.

2. The cameraman's intentions were pretty transparent when he focused on a big ol' pair of fake boobies for several minutes.

3. The proper way of showing respect for those killed is to leave them lying beside a auto parts store while an old drunk man bitches at you.

4. Not really a spoiler (since it's so obvious they may as well write "THIS IS THE KILLER" on the screen) but when the killer is out and about, it's obviously a woman in the outfit. When they take the helmet off though, it's revealed to be a man. I may be confused, but that guy has some nice child rearing hips.

5. A great way to not get laid is to take your date to the DQ and get a grilled cheese sammich special for 1.99. Even better when your ex works there. BONUS: When they get their food, notice that the grilled cheese turns into a burger. Does the angry ex still have feelings for the douchebag? HMMM.

6. This movie has one of the funniest/most disturbing sex scenes ever. Two ugly people get it on fully nude against a tree. Flexing male buttocks activate!