Mystics in Bali (1981)

Mystics in Bali (1981)

Director: H. Tjut Djalil

Stars: No one

I'm not familiar with Indonesian horror, so I'll go by what I had seen onscreen. So some white looking woman (from the "U.S.A", that's how you know she's not from there) hanging out with the Indonesian Billy Dee Williams wants to learn black magic. Billy Dee hooks her up with some ugly witch that won't stop laughing, who proceeds to tattoo this woman's leg with her tongue. Billy Dee and White lady fall in love after 15 minutes together, and then the White lady starts her training. What does her training entail? Well, if you guessed turning into a pig, laughing like you entered Big Jim's Laughing Gas Emporium, and throwing up pet store mice, then you've watched this movie before you poor dope. If that wasn't weird enough, White lady's head (along with her entrails) starts detaching itself from her body and flies around eating babies straight out the babymaker. 

This may be one of the top three weirdest films I've ever seen. EVER. Better than Lady Terminator at least.

Six Things I've Learned From Mystics in Bali

1. I heard that the guy playing Billy Dee had it in his contract that he had to be wearing a different shirt in each scene, regardless of continuity or any sense of logic.

2. If you study things such as Voo Doo and the black arts, a sure sign of your knowledge is to refer to it as "mumbo jumbo". It shows you've done your homework...in calling that school on the back of a matchbook.

3. Don't want the viewer to know what the fuck is going on? Then do what this movie does and plop the viewer from one scene to the next with no transition shots or any idea of what day it is. Who needs logic?

4. I'm not entirely sure how turning into an ordinary pig will help you defeat your enemies unless you can clog up their arteries when they slaughter you and make you into pork chops. That'll show em!

5. So Billy Dee sets this woman up to learn black magic and then he runs off and tells his uncle to fight the witch (they have some history...probably concerning a failed booty call). I had the perfect solution for Billy Dee...DON'T TAKE THE WOMAN YOU LIKE TO TRAIN WITH A WITCH IN THE FIRST PLACE! Some hero.

6. Always be sure to have some lady stalking the main characters for the first 15 minutes, and then don't show her again until she tries to help fight the witch in the LAST 15 minutes and fails miserably. THAT'S good character development !