#13 Shelly from Friday the 13th Part 3 - Not the Third Wheel, the Flat Tire
I have to be honest, when several people mentioned they wanted to see Shelly on this list, I felt a little bad. Both Wednesday's Child and I have a bit of a soft spot for Shelly...my own reason being that I know what it's like to be the odd man out. It sucks, and some people react to it differently. But as I was reviewing the footage for the video below, it slowly started making sense WHY they demanded this character be included on this list.
So let's look at the three strikes against Shelly...and no, his girly name isn't one of them.
His social skills. Well more accurately, his lack of social skills. So I get it, not a lot of people like you. I hate it because during high school, I wasn't exactly Mister Wonderful. Hell, I wasn't even Mister Mediocre. But one thing I did know was that people aren't going to like you better when you constantly scare the shit out of them. Hey, fake stabbing your buddy might be cool with him, but that hot blind date you were put into might not appreciate you falling out of the closet playing dead. That's more of a stomach churner than a panty moistener. I can't believe I even typed that.
He is a giant pansy. Being unattractive is one thing. I mean, it is a point against you to be a white man with an Epstein Welcome Back Kotter 'fro. It's another to have that 'fro and have the backbone of Horshack (who oddly enough, dies in a later Jason flick). Sure he gets a minor victory over some jerkoff bikers, but notice he has to be behind a big moving piece of metal in order to get that courage. Way to impress Jean Claude Van Dumbass.
He's a horrible friend. Not only does he fuck up his blind date by being whiny and needy, not only does he causes tons of damage to his friend's car on purpose, but the one thing...the thing that made me want to see him croak is this...
Who the fuck passes the time juggling!? And in front of a live stoned audience. This ain't no circus de soleil moon frye...it's fucking Camp Crystal Lake, motherfucker! It was that point that I want him disemboweled. That doesn't happen, but there is a pretty neat boy who cries wolf moment when one lady doesn't fall for his fake death prank...only it's not fake this time.
Shelly may be a wimp, an anti social juggling asshole, a destroyer of friend's cars, and an all around unfunny prankster, but he DID give us one thing that we can all thank him for...the Hockey Mask. Thanks for that you useless ass.