Tuesday, October 15, 2013

15 Horror Characters That Deserve to Die #11 - The Kupfer Family from Halloween 3

#11-the Kupfer Family - The Nuclear Family You Wanna Bomb

Halloween 3 takes a lot of shit from people because that lameass Michael Myers isn't in it. But yet shit like parts 4 - 800 get a pass. Screw that noise. I thought it was brilliant to spin another Halloween type story instead of the now traditional "mute guy walks around stabbing morons" narrative. A guy has to go stop this evil mask making bastard from killing off all the kids and taking over the world. Not entirely sure how killing kids would enable you to rule the world, but the man had a plan damn it.

But this movie isn't without it's faults. The story is a little hokey at times, and that fucking Silver Shamrock song is among the most annoying "jingles" ever created. But the big argument against the movie is a little three person unit called the Kupfers.

Take all the irritating personality traits from the 80's, roll up em into a ball, and have them have sweaty stinky unromantic sex until a bastard kid splinters off from them and you'll have the Kupfers. Let's look at the three strikes against them.

1. They almost kill the lead character right off the bat. Dr. Challis is a man who should be commended for investigating the evil goings on in the town of Santa Mira. Now realize that Dr. Challis is not only stressed out at being an awesome doctor, but his nagging ex-wife is constantly bothering him to do things with the kids. Look kids, you should be honored to come from such hallowed seed. 

Anyway, Dr. Awesome Challis and his hot young friend arrive at the motel when this monstrosity of an RV almost kills the good doctor! Sure they apologize, but I knew it was insincere.

2. The dad makes a living selling shitty halloween masks to kids. He probably sold other trinkets like fake vomit, and that stuff that makes it look like smoke is coming from your fingertips (Man that shit stunk something fierce) , but this guy sold the most masks that year. A person who sells that many masks MUST HAVE NO MORALS! I'm just glad he saw what effect those masks were going to have on kids by watching wild kingdom come out of his kid's ugly face.

3. I...I really don't have a number 3, so ..uh...let me think...OH! I heard once at the Christmas party Buddy (the dad's name) place of work threw every year that he had unprotected sex with the new receptionist. She thought it was the hot mail runner, but because he was wearing a mask she didn't know. Turns out she got pregnant, and Buddy refused to take a paternity test and he got her fired so she had to clean houses while working as a flamenco teacher. 

That bastard child grew up to be Shia Labeouf.

Here's their deaths.

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