Friday, February 27, 2015

Paul McCartney Really Is Dead: The Last Testament of George Harrison (2010)

Paul McCartney Really Is Dead: The Last Testament of George Harrison (2010)
Director: Joel Gilbert
Stars: The Beatles, William Campbell 

Conspiracy theories always seem to amuse me. Well you haven't seen a Bigfoot, so you can't disprove that they exist and invented rollerblades to escape being noticed, can you? I thought not. I don't believe aliens are the root cause of everything, I don't believe the Shining is about Indians landing on the moon, and I don't believe Barry Manilow had anything to do with 9/11, but man there sure are a lot of people who do. Maybe not Barry. We can't smile without him.

What I'm trying to say is I think most of these people are well meaning (sometimes not so well meaning) kooks. This also goes for the decades long rumor that Paul McCartney died in 1966 and a double has been playing him ever since. How preposterous, I thought. You're speaking out loud again my wife said. Sorry, I muttered. So like most rational folk, I thought it was a bunch of hooey.

Until I saw this documentary.

The sheer amount of evidence this film presents overwhelmed me. How they managed to cram it all into two hour and still tell a tremendously true story boggles my brain. So many things that didn't fit were put together some some gloriously fucked  up jigsaw puzzle where every piece was a new design. My eyes have been opened dear readers, and I have become the Eggman.

Things I Learned From Paul McCartney is Really Dead

- Learn about that terrible night when an argument between Paul and John Lennon turned into the horrific car crash that decapitated a superstar and could have created massive suicides.

- Those harmless "lookalike" contests could have much more sinister intentions than you'd like. I bet there's an ever rotating group of David Cassidy lookalikes ready to go at a moments notice. The Cassidy Army awaits!

- How Rita, the only other person who knew what happened that night, is changed via plastic surgery. When she later tries to blackmail the boys, the MI5 try to kill her, but only succeed in getting her leg amputated. They wouldn't hear the last of Rita, now going by the name Heather Mills!

- The sheer talent of John Lennon as he proceeds to turn every single Beatles song into a memorial for his lost friend and bandmate.

- Finding just the right phrases so that when played backwards (they'd give a clue Paul was dead) is not an easy task. I tried it and all I got playing backwards is "Dan Rather is Connie Chung". 

- I'm kind of surprised every album wasn't entitled "HEY EVERYONE, PAUL IS DEAD! HE'S FOOKING DEAD EVERYBODY!" Guess it'd be hard to put pictures showing he's dead on the cover.

- You have to give William Campbell some credit. Not only did he gleefully erase his identity to become Faul by having tons of plastic surgery, but he also didn't seem to mind that his bandmates were constantly calling him a fake and making him do shit on album covers to help corroborate that idea. But Lennon was murdered after telling Faul a few weeks earlier that he planned to tell the world what happened. That sneaky bastard!

You can watch this film on SnagFilms for free! Here's the trailer:

Oh, by the way, this is a mockumentary, and Paul is very much alive. Ringo however is a Bigfoot.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

Custom Fridge Art for Sale!

Hi friends. As some of you know, I like to dabble in what I like to call "fridge art". This is art made specifically for someone to hang on their refrigerator. I've designed a few pieces which seemed to be popular and had questions like "How can I get one of those?" and "Why are you eating dinner at our house!?"

"Are You Ready for the 13th?"

 Well now you can own one of these beauties!

For the low low price of FIVE dollars...yes, FIVE DOLLARS, you can own one of these beautifully made pieces to hang on YOUR refrigerator door.

"Blue Velvet"

"Crunchberry Blues"

"Not So Great Muppet Caper"

"Playing With the Ghouls"

"Parting of the Orange Drink"

"Leaked Sloth Nude"

"Keep an Eye Out For Ya"

"Did I Do That?"

"Tarman's First Birthday"
Now if these don't interest you, don't worry. For the low low LOW price of TEN DOLLARS, I will create a custom one of a kind piece just for YOU. Do you think Picasso charged that much? Hell no!

If you are interested in purchasing one of my pieces, please email me at Paypal accepted. And if you buy a piece, by all means take a picture of your fridge and send it!

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

White Cop (2014)

White Cop (2014)
Director: Jake Myers
Stars: Ben Kobold, David Liebe Hart, Liz Harvey

From time to time, I have people wanting me to review their movie. I've always been a bit hesitant because while I do love getting screeners (yay free!) there's this little part of me that needs to hold back if I hate it. Yes, the guy who took a dump on Nick Millard over and over again is someone who doesn't want to be a total dick to people only wanting reviews of their film.

So why did I decide to review this particular film? I saw the trailer and it actually appealed to me. Also I'm a fan of public access stuff and David Liebe Hart is a veteran of public access  due to his Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson Show.

This spoof of action films stars Ben Kobold as Kip White, a cop trying to take down the European Drug Cartel after they kill his partner and best friend. When he loses his badge he joins up with a new vigilante group to fight the cartel and end the rampant drug use of Stamp, which you can't mail but will send you to a far away place. Y'know, cause yer all fucked up.

Things I Took/Learned From White Cop

- The main character kind of alternated between hilariously inept and overwhelmingly annoying. Maybe it's because of the script (which wasn't bad at all, just a bit uneven), but Kobold does a good job overall.

- The flashback to Kip and his partner frolicking together is quite homoerotic and pretty damn funny. Who hasn't put two straws in their drink to share with his best friend...anyone? Please?

- I like that among all the insanity, there was a character (Dr. Wilder) who saw that Kip is a complete basket case. Of course it doesn't change one thing, but it's nice to see.

- I don't know about you, but I get leery whenever a tv reporter comes up to me in a bar and starts giving me pep talks. I've been on the news one too many times without my pants on.

- If you love 80's style synch music (sometimes called New Retrowave) then this film has you hooked up via the band Lazerhawk. I love that kind of music, so it's a big plus. I play it when I drive to the store. I like to pretend I'm Tubbs.

Overall, I really liked this movie. There were some plot points that got left unanswered, but for once I don't wish to spoil the movie. The look of the movie was very professional and there were traces of those by gone 80's action cop movies scattered among the comedy. The comedy hits far more than misses due to a good cast. I'm just happy to find a recent movie I didn't hate with a passion. That's the biggest thumbs up you can get from my cynical ass.

Plus David Liebe Hart is the mayor. I'd vote for him.

Here's the trailer for those of you who don't just take my word. Shame on you. I'm not hurt...I mean I am a little.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Cathy's Curse (1977)

Cathy's Curse (1977)
Director: Eddy Matalon
Stars: Alan Scarfe, Beverly Murray, Randi Allen

Having the reputation of a bad film "expert" (and I use that term as loosely as possible), there are films I hear a ton about. Films like Abby or The Visitor. Cathy's Curse was another one I've heard a ton about...none of it good. But I feel like I need to watch these films, so that you may be spared the pain. Some call me a saint, but most call me a moron.

The beginning shows a little girl and her father driving along when the girl makes daddy swerve out of the way of a fucking rabbit and guess what? Car catches on fire and they die. Did Thumper help them out while they roasted alive? I don't think so.

Cut to however many years later, and a family moves into this groovy old house. The family consists of a dad whose hair looks like a wig put on sideways, a mother who hysterically cries out half her lines, and Cathy, the poor kid who ends up cursed. You can tell she's cursed because she doesn't say much, and the dog hates her. There's also an alcoholic caretaker named Paul and the world's laziest housekeeper.

Cathy finds an ugly ass doll, and if you've seen any number of these films, you know that any dolls left in a house should be immediately burned or sent to someone you hate. Before long, Cathy's making shit break, talking weird, and terrorizing ugly old psychics. Oh, and mom is a total nutcase.

As far as possession films go, it's pretty standard. What makes this stand out amongst all the other Exorcist type ripoffs is that it makes no sense plot wise. Mom's going nuts, Dad's a clueless fucking putz who is oblivious to it all, and it's never explained why the fuck Cathy is possessed and what the evil spirit's mission was. If it's to make shit appear and hang out with drunk old caretakers, well live the dream you crazy bitch.

Things I Took/Learned From Cathy's Curse

- The print I saw was incredibly bad and made everyone look like the color of that sawdust they put on the floor to cover up puke. Come to find out, that's the best print anyone has. Might be for the best.

- Love it when Cathy breaks a bowl and the housekeeper picks up like two or three pieces before saying "there's, that's better". No, let's ignore the thirty or forty large chunks of sharp bowl laying on the ground. That's why you got terminated. By terminated I mean she got thrown out a window. 

- The mom in this film does everything in her power to make the focus on her. From the first scene where she shrilly tells her husband that she's had a nervous breakdown (I'm sure it came as a shock to him) on, she's shown to be batshit insane. Yeah, you may be right about your kid being in danger, but flailing your arms around and having to be institutionalized probably doesn't help your case.

- If your kid starts randomly disappearing and reappearing all over the place, continue to scold them as if nothing is happening. Show them that just because Satan is helping them, YOU are the one in charge.

- You haven't lived until you see a drunken old man and a bratty possessed kid mock a psychic for no good reason. It's how I get rid of those pesky Publishers Clearing House people. I can't cash that giant check, so stop it!

- Satanic devil magic tricks #52: If you walk into the cold lake, when you're pulled out you'll be dry as a bone! Ta-daaaaaaa!

- You know someone is evil when their face turns into a pizza. That's the devil's favorite food. He hates anchovies though.

- This movie's on numerous public domain sets (and also on youtube), but this is one of those movies you need to get a group together to riff on. This scene alone is worth the price of admission and a six pack of cheap beer.

"Extra rare piece of shit" is a terrific insult to call a medium.

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Avalon (1989)

Avalon (1989)
Director: Michael J. Murphy
Stars: Rob Bartlett, Abigail Blackmore, Patrick Oliver

It's been a while since I've done a review, so I went into my vast collection of films to pick something suitable. My eye was caught by Avalon, a low budget sword and sorcery flick that has a lot of ties to the King Arthur legend...sort of. 

While I was watching, I kept noticing how familiar Merlin looked, until it dawned on me that this was the same guy who played the killer in one of my most popular reviews, Bloodstream. So I looked up the director of that film, and lo and behold, it's the same guy!

The movie's heroes are Owen, a slightly pudgy Conan type, Clotilde, which isn't some sort of disease but a maiden, and Keiran, the world's worst thief. They all seek the mysterious island of Avalon for different reasons and are helped along by Merlin.Yes, that Merlin. Sometimes as an old man, most of the time as a young warrior. Avalon is ruled by Morgana, not of the kissing bandit variety, and her band of average looking women (and a couple of goofy eunuchs). 

Can our heroes defeat Morgana? Will Clotilde find her missing love? And what the hell is Old Gregg doing on the island? He's got a mangina.

Knowing it's a Michael J. Murphy film, I immediately know that the budget is around forty pounds (or thirty in wildly inaccurate US dollars). However, there's a real charm in this movie. The sets are pretty imaginative, and despite all the flaws this is a pretty fun eighty minute time waster. 

The whole film is up on YouTube for those who wish to venture forth to Avalon.

Things I Took From Avalon

-Never carry golden apples around. You'll almost die in a small puddle of water and then watch your buddies juggle those now normal apples right in front of you. I can stand almost dying in 3 feet of water, but juggling? No way!

- They really missed out not having the Old Gregg looking monster drink Bailey's from a shoe.

- Druids are a bunch of assholes led by a guy doing a bad Jesus cosplay wearing a Christmas wreath on his head. I bet Stonehenge was just a building they were too stupid to finish. 

- This movie has some of the funniest fight scenes ever seen in a sword and sorcery flick. Everyone is trying so hard to neither hurt each other nor break their fake weapons that it comes off like Renaissance Fair outtakes.   

-Merlin becomes a wizard whore by sleeping with the Lady in the Lake in exchange for Excalibur. 

- Gotta admit I liked the reverse motion on the chains moving around. Very smooth.

-Gotta also admit, that Michael J. Murphy is equally as bad at doing stop motion animations. The herky jerky dragon being solid proof of that.

-We get some boobs in this, and that's cool, but please space out your love scenes a bit more. having three, almost four, one right after another just made me a little ill.

-Bit disturbed to see Merlin peeking through a wall at Owen having sex with Morgana (whom Merlin used to love). His grunting and only seeing him from behind makes me think he's pulling his own little sword. I'm surprised he didn't put his penis through the hole like in Porky's.

- As disturbing as that was, it pales when Merlin realizes he hadn't slept with Morgana but one of her laughing lady friends. His response to that? He sexually assaults her. Rape ain't magic's simply wrong.

- As disjointed as the plot got, I really enjoyed this film. I'm now on a quest to seek out Michael J. Murphy's other films. I hope there's no wizard rape in them.


Sunday, January 4, 2015

Lord of Tears (2013)

Lord of Tears (2013)
Director: Lawrie Brewster
Stars: David Schofield, Alexandra Hulme, Guy in a big ass Owl mask

I had been hearing about this one for a while, with all the sites creaming their pants over how great this was. So I decided to give it a shot, despite my understandable reservations about watching newer movies.

Far as I can tell through the 8 million quick edits and the ambient noise turned on and left on, a guy inherits a house from his dead mum, but in her letter she says NOT to go back to the house. Despite having gone crazy there as a kid and trying to drown himself, our hero goes to the house like the fucking idiot he is.

He runs into Eve, an American gal who's just hanging around the house. Before long they get romantic and things seem great...until the Owlman shows back up. Seems the Owlman is the one responsible for our hero's trauma as a child (or is he?) and it seems he's picking up right where he left off in the guy's adult life as well.

Will our hero find out what to do about the Owlman? Will Eve be able to help? Will a person with the IQ of ragweed not be able to figure out the "twist"? I think you all know the answer. There were plenty of tears, but they all came from my fucking eye sockets.

Things I Took/Learned from Lord of Tears

- The cinematography here is quite good. Gavin Robertson did an excellent job with the material he had to work with.

-I admit, the Owlman outfit is pretty damn good, and there were a couple of moments when I got honestly freaked out.

-This now ends the positive portion of this review.

- Nothing ruins a movie like a bad script, and this is the very definition of a bad script. It's riddled with cliches and tropes and tries to pass itself off as original.

-Hey filmmaker. the whole point of ambient sound is to create tension, when you have it playing THROUGHOUT THE FUCKING MOVIE then it's just annoying fucking noise that makes it hard to hear the actors...not like they are saying anything worth listening to.

-Nobody wants to see someone dance for 10 minutes. It's not erotic, it's not haunting, it's not scary, it's fucking BORING. As shit.

- Why is this guy having dreams about his Jesus-looking friend chopping his dad up and covered in blood? I don't have dreams about the fat guy who walks down my road every single day fucking a dog in the middle of the road while jello smears his chest...and I've tried.

- We know you want this Owlman to be Slenderman, but he looks like he's going to a Robert Palmer video while finding out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop.

-When Eve is revealed to be a ghost (big shock) she ends up terrorizing our hero not by trying to kill him, but by jumping on his bed and playing with his fucking curtains. So she's basically going to annoy him to death. 

-I'm aware of how harsh I'm being to this film, but I hate this blatant PR bullshit I see from major sites who just basically cut and paste the filmmaker's written press release and then proclaim it "the future of horror." I may be an asshole for trashing this, but I'm an honest one at least. I'm not creating fake accounts to give glowing reviews on IMDB like these people seem to be doing. I just want to be entertained. Girls Gone Dead and Potpourri are recent films that did that. This and The Cloth are ones that make me wish these people would be forced to film an apology for the poor fucks like me who expect a decent film and got this beautifully filmed piece of shit.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Tabloid (1985)

Tabloid (1985)
Director: Bret McCormick, Matt Devlen
Stars: Lisa Loeb, Glen Coburn, Scott Davis

One problem of having so many movies is that I'm not always sure WHAT the movie is about. This shows that I am in fact a hoarder, but instead of stacks and stacks of knick-knacks featuring Elvis in bejeweled jumpsuits on them, I hoard obscure movies. So going through some of these "films" I noticed one that caught my eye, so I decided to watch and review it.

This was a mistake.

Seeing Bret McCormick's name, I should have been tipped off that this was going to suck. McCormick wrote and directed some of the worst AIP (Action International Pictures) movies put to videotape. But seeing this was his first film, I thought "Hey, maybe he shot his wad early and went downhill". I don't think he had a wad to shoot.

Tabloid is a comedy anthology that spoofs things like the Weekly World News. They have three stories all telling a backstory to some tabloid headline, which I admit is a good premise. Too bad every story sucks (doubly so in the last one). The movie starts with aliens kidnapping an aerobics instructor holding classes in Buffalo Bill's basement. I was wondering where this was going to go, but much like everything else in this film, it  goes nowhere. It's never even mentioned again What a waste of time.

We then go to the offices of the World Investigator, a sleazy tabloid where it looks like a secretary is training the new reporter. We get to meet the cranky owner and find out her backstory. They were really pushing the hell out of these characters. So of course after the admittedly original credits (complete with theme song) and a few shorts scenes, we set up the first story and never EVER see these people again. Quit playing games with my heart you asshole!

Much like I did with Tales From the Quadead Zone, I'll go over each story individually.

Baby Born With Full Beard AKA Hey, Let's Kill That Drug Dealer!

 This story has a guy selling weed to some moron. The weed is no good, so moron and his cousin Rambo (yes, Rambo) and some nameless bastard decide to kill him. Too bad they never met his pregnant gun toting wife or her hideous Family Feud lovin' momma.
- Never buy pot from a guy whose idea of a good time is sitting on his car drinking beer. It may seem like fun, but before you know it, yer 40.

- If you need to smoke an entire bag of pot before realizing that you got ripped off, maybe you don't need to smoke it. You need those remaining brain cells to do things like walk and scratch your ass.

- Come for the stereotypes, stay for the awful southern accents.

-The one funny moment in this happens when the nameless bastard suggests they rape the shit out of the mother. The other two guys are like "She's all yours, bubba." Yep, A rape joke is the funniest thing in this story. Think about that.

- After a pregnant lady shoots your cousin Rambo from a speeding car, maybe it's time to just call it a day and cut your losses. By losses I mean the pot, not Rambo. He's a schmuck.

After the drug dealin shotgun shooting family kills the people who were fucking wronged in a bad drug deal, the woman gives the bearded kid. Yep. All that useless fucking backstory for a 5 second shot of a bearded baby. 


A dead guy comes back and invites his dead neighbors over for a barbeque. He gets upset that they were just sitting there in their coffins rotting and leaves. The sun comes up and they die again. That's it. 

- The zombie/dead makeup was pretty effective. The blackened eyes kinda gave me the creeps.

 I don't really have anything else to add. This story didn't give us ANY backstory to this. Hey, how about not giving us the tabloid owner's entire goddamn history and put those few minutes to use explaining what the fuck is going on in this shitcicle of a story! 

There's one more!? FUCK.

Killer Vacuum Destroys Town AKA Don't Piss Off Your Stepdaughter

A weatherman is correctly predicting tornadoes. Is he Criswell? No, he doesn't have his style, but he does have a daughter who is giving him the tornado information. How does she know? And why are we watching her get abused by some harpy with a mole? We actually do find out for once. Doesn't mean it's any good though.

- Very weird to see Lisa Loeb in this. She's the daughter who ends up (spoiler..oh who gives a shit) creating tornadoes using vacuums. How this is happening is of course never explained.

- Is there really a need on the networks for a goofy natural disaster predicting weatherman in a stupid bow tie?

-Why the hell do we need to watch two tv stations techs interact with each other for at least 5 minutes?! They add nothing to the story or plot. I don't care that the guy is never gonna score with the woman. Even if he has a whoopee cushion. We all know that's a panty dropper.

- Please have the guy with the awful speech impediment say "The tornados in your housth" 17 more times. It never gets old...or funny.

- Why did they need to stretch the stepmother's death out by 10 minutes? Couldn't you have used those ten minutes for something useful like refunding everyone's rental fee who got suckered into watching this!?

Maybe I'm being too picky, but I like my comedies to be, you know, funny. Not even a late scene where President Reagan buys one of the tabloids is enough to move my chuckle meter (bought it at Radio Shack). The cinematography was fine, but the writing and the dialogue came off like two middle schoolers giggling at their own jokes. Jokes no rational human being would find humorous. No wonder nobody tried to review this film. I'm the only one stupid enough to watch it!