Tuesday, March 25, 2014

The Visitor (1979)

The Visitor (1979)
Director: Giulio Paradisi
Stars: John Huston, Glenn Ford, Lance Henriksen

So apparently Space Satan was being a real bastard when Space God sent tons of birds to fight him. Space Satan, instead of turning into a Space cannon, turns into an eagle and kills most of them before becoming mortally wounded himself. He then decides to have sex with LOTS of women so his seed can carry out his plan to break shit and be assholes to the world. At least that's what Space Jesus is telling a group of bald children.

So Space God (Huston) comes in and says there's a demon he has to get...which is in the form of the bitchiest 8 year old girl ever created. She blows up basketballs, makes shit fall, and plays pong a lot.  Seems there's a plan for the Bad Seed to have a baby brother, whether the mother wants one or not. The Space demon/Illuminati sends the always sweet faced Lance Henriksen to do the job. When that doesn't work they go all date rapey.

Throw in Shelley Winters as the new housekeeper to the mom and devil child. She knows the score and proceeds to slap this little demon around...hopefully for our amusement. All this is going on while Space God is casually just strolling around without a care in the world.

I was VERY hesitant to watch this last night, figuring it to be another of those boring late 70's space movies where people talk A LOT. I was wrong...oh so very wrong. This movie is a glorious insane mess. How in the world they got John Huston, Glenn Ford, Mel Ferrer, Shelly Winters and Sam Peckinpah to be in this I'll never know.

Alamo Drafthouse Films has recently released a blu ray of this fantastic mess. So by all means pick this up. Here's a trailer to give you a taste of madness.

Six Things (I Think) I Took from The Visitor

1. If you're on the trail of a devil child and pissing her off, maybe when she sends her asshole hawk to peck your eyes out while you're driving maybe it's best if you instead of weaving at full speed between cars that you hit that bigger pad. It's called a "brake". It does things like stop so you can deal with your nasty little hawk pecking out your eyeballs problem.

2. Never in the history of cinema has there ever been as exciting an ice skating scene as the one in this film. Watch demon child knock motherfuckers with bad hair all over the place! See these assholes fail to beat up an 8 year old girl! Slow motion crashing free of charge!

3. At one point a space semi stops and we end up with a very disturbing scene I like to call "Close Encounters of the Rape Kind" as the Space Illuminati proceeds to impregnate the mom themselves. Not cool space demons...not cool.

4. I love Space God's theme music. It's like some cross between an action packed chase scene and the 6 O'Clock News. Here's Space Jesus with Action Weather!

5. I like that Shelley Winters does all this shit to help out Space God, including killing that pesky hawk that murdered Glenn Ford, and when she asks to go up to space Heaven is told "thanks for your help, now fuck off". Maybe Space God didn't say it exactly like that, but you could tell he was thinking it. Space jerk.

6. This movie makes no damn sense. So the whole purpose of Obi WannabeGod was to wander around Atlanta, let an innocent woman, whose only crime was having sex with Space Satan and having a demon seed, get shot in the spine (ON PURPOSE), plays pong with the demon child, lets the mom get beaten up multiple times, and unleashes more birds than a Prince video to do his dirty work....all so he can take demon kids to space Heaven? Why did Space God go and not hippie Space Jesus (an uncredited Franco Nero)? And why is everyone bald but these two?  Is it so they don't have competition for space chicks!? How many times do I have to write space in this article!?

Monday, March 17, 2014

The Apple (1980)

The Apple (1980)
Director: Menahem Golan
Stars: Catherine Mary Stewart, George Gilmour, Grace Kennedy

I admit to being a sucker for movie musicals of the 70's/early 80's. Grease, Phantom of the Paradise, even the Wiz has it's charm (in a weird way). So when I had a chance to watch The Apple, I thought "I really need to review something so why not".

Immediate regret.

The Apple is about a future (well...1994) where the world is pretty much run by a record label, BIM. this global dictatorship is run by the "mysterious" Mr. Boogaloo. No I'm not kidding. Great name for your lead villain, Golan. Apparently he surrounds himself with people so camp, drag queens would think they were gaudy.

I...got nothing.

So these wide eyed kids from Moosejaw, Alphie and Bibi enter an American Idol like contest, and when they seem to be winning, BIM goes into action. They rig the contest and then offer contracts to our heroes. Bibi accepts but Alphie knows that something is wrong and tries to stop it. He fails pretty badly several times. 

Eventually they get back together with the help of some hippies and they everyone sings songs that you forget three minutes after hearing them. The plot is a mishmash of several other more popular musical films, and to be honest, I didn't give a shit about any of these people. I don't give a shit about anyone who was involved with this movie and hope that they have to watch this on a loop for the rest of their lives while wearing a tiny silver bananna hammock.

Six Things I Took From The Apple (non STD edition)

1. The vehicles in this film were all created using the drawings of every 8 year old boy ever made. LOTS OF HEADLIGHTS! SHARP CORNERS EVERYWHERE! GET THOSE FUCKING FINS ON THAT STATION WAGON STAT!

2. Nothing says evil like a fey middle aged tracksuit wearing Doug McClure lookalike dancing around.

I wasn't kidding.

3. Take one part Jesus Christ Superstar, throw in a dash of Grease, and spill some Faust into it for this trainwreck of a movie

4. There's one song called "I'm Coming For You" that takes place when one of the bad guys tries to seduce Alphie in a giant room filled with people pretending to be having sexual relations on multiple beds. In case you were wondering, the title of the song is probably meant to be taken literally...or if it was a Slade song it'd be "I'm Cumming For You".  I imagine that's what Studio 54 was like in the 70's.

5. In 1994, we're all suppose to be wearing clothing so shiny that some people will get jobs laying in front of people's car windshields to keep the sun out.

6. I know I'm spoiling the ending, but fuck it.. This movie ends the only logical way it does...with God coming out of the sky in a gold fancy car and taking Alphie, Bibi, the hippies, and at least a couple of the Village People away. Yes, it's the Disco Rapture. So the Devil (it's a much better name than Mr. Boogaloo) tells God (using a goofy fake name as well) "You can't live without me" to which "God" says "Fuck you buddy, you go make out with your creepy Grace Jones looking guy-who-hangs-out-at-the-laundromat-with-no-laundry like sidekick and your ugly bald vampire security" and struts away. Fuck you Golan, and Globus too for good measure.

Sweet ride, isn't it?

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Potpourri (2011)

Potpourri (2011)
Director: Elliot Diviney
Stars: Ryan Kiser, Mike Borka, Shannon McDonnough

After picking some less than stellar selections on Netflix, I decided to see if my wife could pick a better choice. This is the movie she chose.

A group of college students have one night to finish their term papers amd turn it in. Seems like an impossible task? Well of course it does. So how do you cope with trying to do a deeply researched paper on philosophy? If you said take lots of mind altering drugs, then that couch behind you probably told you that. Quit cheating.

Things gets a little out of control as it turns out the drugs are a bit...stronger than they should be. Of course this all ends with a zombie invasion. It's the only logical conclusion.

This is of course a horror comedy, and while I admit to be hesitant to watch horror comedies because of how badly most low budget filmmakers pull it off, this one actually did it. I admit it, I enjoyed the hell out of this movie. Good camerawork, a cast that can actually act, ad some pretty good gore effects to boot. 

Holy shit, they DO put more than unwatchable new crap on Netflix!

Six Things I Took From Potpourri

1. Noah may be the coolest character this side of Dazed and Confused's Wooderson, except without the creepy pedo stach and bright orange jeans. I only have the orange jeans. They make my butt look huge.

2. They had a k-y type jelly that once put on your chest , would make you trip. A couple guys ended up in a wooded King Arthur like place, killing barbarians and saving princesses. I took the same stuff and ended up stuck in a pipe with my bare ass hanging out thinking I was Mario. Maybe if I had a mushroom...

3. There is a musical number about great philosophers. Yes, it's a drug induced hallucination, but it's a catchy song  that stuck in my head afterwards. Shannon McDonnough's charming hipster character (and great singing voice) doesn't hurt things.

4. It's pretty refreshing to see a gay character in a movie and you're not being bashed in the head with "HEY THIS GUY IS GAY! LOOK AT HOW GAY HE IS!". He was a realistic, funny character. Bravo, Mr. Diviney.

5. This movie pokes fun at the online movie reviewer by having one "watching" the movie with comments every so often. Outside of a zombie invasion, it's eerily similar to how I watch a movie. I think guys like me jumped the shark, then took the shark out to dinner, slept with it, and then sent them a text saying it wasn't working out. It wasn't the shark...it was me.

6. Drugs don't write term papers, guys you meet in public bathrooms do.


Saturday, February 15, 2014

Fangs (1981)

Fangs (1981)
Director: Mohammed Shebl
Stars: No clue. I can't read Egyptian

Turkey is apparently not the only country that enjoys ripping off American movies. This entry from Egypt is a wild and wacky copy of that perennial midnight movie, the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

the director picks and chooses what he liked about Rocky Horror because instead of the transsexual Transylvania Frank-N-Furter, we end up with DRACULA as the main bad guy. He does have fabulous hair though. There's a Brad and Janet duo and a sort of Riff Raff hunchback, but Magenta and Colombia have been replaced with a large black vampire guy. Oh, and there's also a narrator throughout the film like the Criminologist, although this guy looks like a drunk veteran newspaper reporter.

Much like the Turkey films, this one starts out pretty straightforward, but then it veers right into Absurdville. What I could make of the plot is the fake Brad and Janet break down and arrive at Dracula's castle. He proceeds to put her under his spell and people dance badly to awful musical numbers. Fake Brad is upset but hey, what can you do? It's fucking Dracula, man.

Six Things I Took From Fangs

1.If you don't quite have the budget to recreate the "Science Fiction Double Feature" like opening, probably not the best idea to just paint the guy's head black.

2. Various songs ripped off for this movie includes the Munsters theme, Jaws theme, James Bond theme, and the Pink Panther theme.

3. The dancers in this movie look like they are as inspired to dance as a fat kid going to fat camp. Horrible choreography that any senior citizen group with broken hips could replicate. I did like that the party guests all looked like people going to a KISS concert that have only learned about KISS 5 minutes before putting on their makeup. "Hey look...I'm the Starcat!"

4. So Dracula, trying to go to the woman he desires, decides to go outside and crawl UP the damn castle wall. You own the damn place man, just walk up the stairs! Save the climbing nonsense for when you go to those outdoorsy type stores with the douchebags climbing the fake rock wall.

5. We get it movie, you love Rocky Horror. You don't have to have one of the characters actually put on a shirt with the RHPS poster on it.

6. This movie is an hour and forty minutes. It should have been like eighty minutes because there's a weird twenty minute sequence that randomly places our fake Brad and Janet at different points of their married lives. Life's shitting on them and there's Dracula all over the place...playing a repairman, a cab driver, probably a juggling narcoleptic veterinarian too (I sorta tuned out). The fake Criminologist laughs at each scenario. Why was this needed!? It totally took me out of the story of Dracula showing fake Brad and Janet fake Bergman videos on his small television. I'm not kidding about that.

Here's a clip someone uploaded on Youtube. Don't worry about the lack of subtitles...they don't help.

Friday, January 31, 2014

Abberdine County Conjuror (2006)

Abberdine County Conjuror (2006)
Director: A guy with real women issues
Stars: A bunch of women the director touches himself in naughty places to

I'm going to forgo the whole "Six things" bit and just go on a rant. 

I watched a half an hour of this movie before turning it off in disgust. Was the subject matter too disturbing for me? Shit no. There's pretty much no gore from what I saw in this shitbox. No, I turned it off because THIS is bad indie filmmaking at its worst.

First off, the running time. This stupid movie clocks in at 2 hours and 16 minutes. This ain't fucking Lord of the Rings, although I did wish a few of those trees in the campground you filmed at would have come to life and stomped the characters into the ground. There's no fucking need for any horror movie to be two hours long unless it's The Shining, and I know damn well Kubrick didn't rise from the grave to make this half baked turd. How about cutting out the hour or so of random footage of your "actors" just saying random shit. Just because you shot 70 hours of footage doesn't mean you have to use every last bit of it!

Now let's talk about Jeff Cooper, the director of this movie. He seems to have this fetish of women being tortured and beaten. Also, he looks like Wolfman Outback Jack. But I can overlook that. What I can't overlook is that you are a fucking terrible director. Let me give you a checklist of what you did wrong.

-Not spending the extra couple hundred bucks to get a fucking external microphone and boom pole. I know that would cut in on your paying women to show their tits fund, but maybe then people could understand all the shitty dialogue your actors had to say. WHY IS HAVING GOOD AUDIO SO FUCKING HARD FOR THESE COCKCLOWNS TO UNDERSTAND!?

-Your script. I couldn't really hear it, but what I could hear of it sucks.
- Editing. WHY IS THERE A TEN MINUTE SCENE OF TWO DUMB ASSES READING SOME BEATEN UP FORTUNE TELLER'S DIARY TO MOCK HER?! You can strap a camera to your gut and film yourself walking around the woods 3 or 4 times to break it up, but a better idea would have been take some scissors, grab the tape with that footage, and stab the tape like it's taking a shower in black and white..

-Acting. Was there not a community theater you could raid for ANY acting talent? As it is, the movie consists of some guy who dies, lots of questionable looking women, and you as the fake Australian Asshole hunter. Oh and a puppet who out acts the lead actress. I'd rather watch David The Rock Nelson play every role in a shot for shot remake of Deep Throat than to finish this movie.

THIS is what's wrong with indie horror. Any fucking moron with a $200 camera thinks he has the talent to make a film. Some of these chucklefucks think they can even WRITE one as well. You can't. Take a little bit of time to learn your craft even a tiny bit. there are plenty of indie horror films out there made by people who genuinely love the genre and take the time to realize that watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre 146 times doesn't make you a director.  THOSE people get hurt because all anyone ever sees is shitheap films on netflix and the piss poor collections of knuckle dragging stupidity that Pendulum Picture farts out to poor dumb bastards like myself.

Yes, I love bad movies...but I love bad movies that entertain. Suburban Sasquatch entertained me even though it had a budget of 4 bucks and a McDonald's happy meal. Abberdine, according to IMDb, had a budget of 10 grand and made me daydream of razor blade sunglasses. If "I" had 10 thousand dollars, I could make a better movie.

 You know what?  I think that's what I'm going to do.
Thank you Jeff Cooper for getting me off my ass and work towards making my own horror film this year. I'll be sure to give you a big "thank you" in the credits . Fucking hack.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Undefeatable (1993)

Undefeatable (1993)
Director: Godfrey Hall
Stars: Cynthia Rothrock, Don Niam, John Miller

Cynthia Rothrock was one of those rare female martial arts stars in the late 80's- mid 90's. I mean rare not in that she was a female kicking butt, which she did to an above average degree, but that she may be the only action star that looks like she's going to drop the kids off at soccer practice. Not that that's a bad thing, I'm sure some people have a fetish for that, but it does make you wonder what happens at PTA meetings when things don't go her way.

Cynthia is a waitress who fights men on the side for extra pocket cash. She's also working hard to send her daughter sister through college. She gets arrested because them side fights aren't exactly legal and the main cop takes a likin' to her.

On the other side of town, we have Stingray. Stingray is your average run of the mill sadistic fighter who enjoys nice flowers, a good dinner, and forcibly raping his wife/girlfriend. She has enough and leaves, which causes Stingray to go off his rocker and start killing women who look like his beloved. Oh he has mommy issues as well.

So Stingray's chocolate gets stuck in Rothrock's peanut butter when her sister is murdered by Stingray. She and her stalkish cop pal try to reach him before he kills again. Spoiler: He does.

Six Things I Took From Undefeatable

1. If the woman you run into does NOT look like your ex, it's only polite to apologize about running into her. Be a crazy serial killer...DON'T be an asshole.

2. Apparently you can enroll people in college without their permission! Won't my neighbor be mad when he finds out I enrolled him at Yale. He really wanted to go to Harvard.

3. In this city, everyone knows kickboxing. From the waitresses, to the shoppers, to the psychiatrists. Sure it cuts down on the tourists shoplifting, but when everyone can kick your ass, no one can kick your ass. Put THAT in a fortune cookie.

4. I know it probably looks cool, but fish don't appreciate you decorating their tanks with eyeballs. Get a nice neon castle for them to swim in and out of. It's not always about you.

5. I'm not blaming the victims here, because the man was obviously deranged, but if you're going to out with giant hair and dressed like you're going to the mall, maybe....it's not such a bad thing.

6. All during this movie, there was this odd feeling that I knew this film. No, not from the bonus clip, but the overall tone of the movie. It's right at the tip of my tongue though...I wonder what this director Godfrey Hall has done. Checking.....

...Godfrey Hall

Godfrey Ho


While I try to get over this Ho down, here's the final fight from this shitheap. I'll be..."seeing" you again soon. I'm sorry.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

The Innocent (2006)

The Innocent (2006)
Director: Stuart Brennan
Stars: Stuart Brennan, Babajide Fadojutimi, Charlotte Rayner

Okay look...I have no issues with no budget movies. Obviously I have a perverse enjoyment of them because of how many I make myself sit through. Hell, sometimes they turn out fun like Suburban Sasquatch, Other times they turn out like this.

Four annoying assholes ride around in a car going to storage units buying pot and then going camping in the woods. They find a building, weird shit happens, and people die. That's it. Not an unusual plot, but here's the thing...I don't know what happened in the movie.

Yeah, I watched it. I watched all 72 minutes of it, and I still don't know what the fuck happened. The audio consists of the mic on the camera, and at least 80% of the film is lit by moonlight. The fact that someone (Pendulum Pictures) thought this was good enough to put on a DVD set makes me regret spending the two bucks on it. Doesn't mean I won't watch the other five movies in the set, just that I'll regret it.

Six Things I Took From The Innocent

1. Greasy drug dealers live in storage bins. Now there's an episode of Storage Wars no one wants to see. I mean besides every other episode of Storage Wars.

2. Speaking of the drug deal, be sure to show every single awkward exchange in said drug deal to pad out the film even more. Oh and make sure those people are never seen again.

3. If you're too damn cheap to get a real mic, the very least you can do is to not film your actors talking from the other side of the fucking woods. No, I don't care what they're saying, but it might be helpful to the two yahoos who want to know what the fuck's going on in this film.

4. Want to kill someone but not sure how to write a new character in the script? Just have some naked guy run out and drown one of the actresses. There's a similar deleted scene on the blu ray for Ordinary People.

5. If two ghost kids are arguing in front of you, it's a good idea to just keep your damn mouth shut and not try to help one of them out. They're already dead you fucking idiot. You aren't. Wait...now you are. Good.

6. When the movie first started, the opening seemed kind of off. Then there was a minute of just black and then the credits started again. I then realized that Pendulum Pictures just took whatever these putzes sent them and slapped them on the disc. The first opening was really just a trailer and the minute of blackness (as opposed to the rest of the movie later on) wasn't suppose to be there. If Pendulum Pictures didn't give enough of a shit about this film to do a two minute edit of the trailer, that should have been the big flashing neon sign that I shouldn't either. I just never fucking learn.