Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Cult Conversations - The Dependables Part One

A few weeks after the Expendables 3 hits theaters, we decide to make our own Expendables type movie....this time using B movie action stars.  The first six glorious badass names are revealed in this episode.


Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Check out Cult Conversations!

Over at the new hot pop culture kid on the block, the Freakin Awesome Network, I have taken my love of cult movies from here and brought it to FAN!

In the first episode, I talk with my lovely wife Erin (from Seven Doors of Cinema and 90's Horror websites) about my favorite slasher Pieces (1982) and Edge of the Axe (1988). Take a listen, and tell all your horror lovin friends!

Monday, August 4, 2014

Wide Weird World of Cult Films now on Tumblr!

Over the last couple years, I've done several different things on this site. Of course the reviews are the main things, but we've had a radio show (now monthly), and upcoming podcast on the Freakin Awesome Network, and various other things. One of my most popular topics were always the bad VHS covers. So I decided to expand WWW of Cult Films' presence in social media by starting a tumblr account!

On this account we will post our popular VHS covers, some awesome movie posters, even some screen captures from various movies. No truth to the rumor that I'll be posting Tiny Tim nudes though (sorry guys). Check it out as it'll be updated regularly!

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Jeff Goldblum is the everyman in Buckaroo Banzai

Those who know me know that the Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai is one of my all time favorite films. Hell, it was in the first logo for this very site! When Barry of Cinematic Catharsis mentioned he was putting together this Goldblumathon, it was the perfect chance for me to talk about one of the main reasons why I loved this film so much. 

Jeff Goldblum plays US (the everyman/woman) in this film.

You may say to yourself, "Is Lashley drunk again!?" Well, yeah a little bit, but hear me out here. There are several things that lead me to believe this theory.

1. He's in awe of Buckaroo

Buckaroo is the ultimate celebrity. Doctor, scientist, rock star, comic book hero...the man does it all. Everyday folk don't always get the chance to interact with major celebrities, so we live vicariously through films. THIS film knows that, so Goldblum (playing New Jersey) plays us by proxy...being in awe that Buckaroo could easily walk in and help him with a complicated operation, and then casually traveling through a mountain. And don't tell me you don't get a little star struck. I saw how you wet your pants when you met the puppet Madame. I saw EVERYTHING.

2. His outfit

After being asked to join the Hong Kong Cavaliers, Goldblum decides to dress the part of a music star. Sure most people wouldn't be caught dead in an oversized cowboy hat and assless chaps (I think they were assless), but dig a little deeper, shallow Hal. Country music is pure Americana...music for the working class and the schmoes like us, who are lazy bastards. His outfit tells us "Hey, I'm a man of the people...and I choose to represent them in this outfit". Bravo, sir.

3. His awkwardness in the HK Cavaliers

Now the Hong Kong Cavaliers are a group of guys who are pretty much Buckaroo's inner circle, so for an everyday guy like Goldblum to join up is both exciting and a bit nerve racking. Who here hasn't gotten to join an elite group (like following me on twitter) only to not know what to say or do? As an everyday person, one would also feel out of place and a bit apprehensive among these living TMZ headliners. New Jersey is playing out my joining the Spanish Club on the big screen, man.

4. He has a different way of viewing things.

So you're probably saying "Man, that Lashley really must be hitting the good stuff", to which I would reply "make me another drink or it's the back of my hand for you!" I'm sorry baby, I didn't mean that. Really. Let's start over.

At one point, the guys break into Yoyodine's computers and notice that they all have names that 3rd graders would snicker at. Names like John Big Bootay and John Small Berries. Hehehe. That means small balls. They noticed all these guys registered their date of birth on exactly the same day, October 31st, 1938, in Grover Mills, New Jersey. While the ego trippin celebs are trying vainly to figure out what it all means, our everyman by proxy figures out that This was the date of the infamous War of the Worlds radio broadcast. By knowing that, he figures out that the radio broadcast was real, but the aliens used some sort of mind control to say it was a hoax. Only a person with their ear to the grindstone could have figured that out. What celebrity do you think can do that? Bradley Cooper? Scarlett Johansson? Maybe Tara Reid, but that's it.

5. He's loyal

Buckaroo didn't have to choose Goldblum to join his band of merry men, but he did, so Goldblum is extremely loyal and helpful to Buckaroo. Examples including having a gun ready for him, and doing his damndest to save Penny after being tortured. The common everyday folk are a loyal bunch, preferring to stick to certain things, as they know it's what they like and has gotten a favorable response. I'm making everyday people sound more like pets now. This may not have been a good point.

Well there you have it, one drunken man's insane but 100% true theory about Jeff Goldblum playing the common man in this wonderful cult film. It says a lot of Jeff's acting ability to be able to sink himself to such depths to play us. It's like how million dollar celebrities play crack whores. That was a bit of self loathing I didn't expect from me. Time for another drink.

Read the rest of the Goldblumathon entries (including one by my much more talented wife) and remember, Goldblum is forever.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Wide Weird World of Cult Radio Show 23!

So after a lengthy hiatus, Dan and Dracula are back spinning some weird and oddly comforting cult movie and tv music along with a liberal dose of radio ads for cult films gone by. In this episode, Dan and Drac discuss some Samurai cop news along with special news of a new podcast coming your way! 

So if you're setting off fireworks, remember to listen to our show while doing it...and please keep the roman candles away from your genitals.

Listen Here!

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Fatal Exposure (1989)


Fatal Exposure (1989)
Director: Peter B. Good
Stars: Blake Bahner, Ena Henderson, Renee Cline

As you can see right above me, this review is for the 2014 Gore-A-Thon. Now when I was asked to do this, I checked out what everyone else was doing. They were doing some really good, really gory movies. So I decided that instead of leaning towards masters like Fulci and Argento, I went with what I can only speculate as Chuck Berry's favorite director, Peter B. Good.

This shot on video "film" is about the great grandson of Jack the Ripper, only now he's calling himself Jack T. Ripperton. Yeah, that won't raise any suspicion. He's a photographer living in a huge mansion where he takes people pictures along with their lives (and sometimes body parts). Apparently drinking these victims' blood will make you more sexually potent. No wonder Dracula's always got a hard on.

Jack finally meets the girl of his dreams and together they kill of more models...him knowingly, her not so much.What Jack really wants is a Jack Jr. to carry on his legacy murdering folks. That's sweet.

Things I've Learned/ Things To Watch For

- If a serial killer gives you a pop quiz, 99.9% of the time you are going to fail it. By fail, I mean die horribly. Now I wouldn't be pleased with getting murdered, but giving me an exam before dying? That's just sick.

- It's nice that Jack found himself the dumbest woman on the planet to carry his seed. The car radio pretty much has to tell her flat out that her boyfriend's the murderer. Their kid is going to be a murdering moron.

-If you're going to talk to the camera, make sure you do it in your house and not in public. You don't really want other people knowing about your murdering plans. Plan ahead, so your plans don't end up dead. That's nobody's motto.

- The worst way to get someone to go to church is by dressing in sexy lingerie and convincing them with your tongue. It didn't work for me either. I'm no longer allowed in any retirement homes.

- The church lady does however have the best (de)parting line in the movie.

-Jack's girlfriend looks just like his great grandmother. That's not the least bit icky. At all.

- Ok, so you wanna know about the gore. It's kind of a mixed bag, but with me leaning more towards the good. There's decapitation and dismemberment scenes that looks beyond cheesy, but when it comes to acid, this movie is tops. There are several REALLY good acid effects that rivals any Italian horror as far as gore.

Overall I came in expecting another shitty SOV disaterpiece, and instead actually got a really fun flick. I actually forgot about it being on video and wanted to see how things worked out (though I had a clue). The guy playing Jack seems to really enjoy it, and while he toes the line into campy once or twice, he really does a great job playing a charismatic bad guy. The lead actress, while really pretty, is not so good an actress. Nice hooters though. I recommend it for fans of gore and SOV films.

Friday, June 13, 2014

Demon Keeper (1994)

Demon Keeper (1994)
Director: Joe Tornatore
Stars: Edward Albert, Dirk Benedict, Dirk Benedict's bulging eyes

Sometimes I run across a movie that is barely considered a movie running time wise. Most of Nick Millard's "films" clock in at around an hour. Demon Keeper clocks in at 71 minutes including end credits. The difference between these two (besides the fact that Demon keeper actually LOOKS like someone gave a shit...sort of) is that Death Nurse was so loaded with filler, if it was a person it'd be the guy who filled up on the free breadsticks at Olive Garden. This movie however, could have used about 10-15 more minutes because what we have here is a movie that goes all over the place for no reason whatsoever.

The basic story is that Remy (Albert) is a con man who does fake seances to get money from old ladies. Hey, if it works, more power to him. He invites a wealthy old lady and her distrustful son to his house for the weekend, along with a drunk lady and her angry husband, a guy who owes the mob money, and some other random people. Remy's surprised though when Old Lady McMoneybags brings world famous psychic Alexander Harris (Dirk and his eyes) along for the fun. 

What's a fake psychic to do? Oh I know, let's spout off some black magic!

Well of course the shit actually works and the goofiest looking demon ever put upon Earth arrives, inhabiting their bodies and making them kill each other for fun and souls. Does Remy save the day? Does Dirk Benedict save the day? Will the demon (which I've named the Lord of Derp) kill everyone off and watch some football in his tighty whities? It's on youtube, go watch for yourself.

Things I've Learned/ Things To Look Out For

- When Remy's wife calls for the dog, instead of the sweet loving family pet, she ends up with a snarling angry hellbeast. Now this would have scarier had they not decided that they would use a handpuppet so badly made, that it makes the werewolf handpuppet in Werewolf look like a Rick Baker creation.

- Watch for the enjoyable "chasing a deadbeat gambler through a golf course" scene. Not sure how the gambler plans to extort money from Remy, but he needs to before he meets the Embalmer. We never see the Embalmer, but I'm sure he's played by Robert Ginty.

- Burning someone's boob off is not an effective way to get people to do what you want them to do. Except oddly in this case it is. 

- Ever wondered what would happen if you used a thighmaster for 25 years? The guy trying to fuck his wife sure didn't want to know. Snap crackle pop his lower half.

- If you're scary monster looks like something that's wandering around Universal Studios in October, it might be a good idea to not light him as if he's in the spotlight at the Apollo. A little goes a loooong way.

- Also doesn't help when you give the demon such great dialogue like "He wants to kill you!" "You are a drunken pig!" and his delightful catchphrase "KILL HIM/HER! KILL! KILL HIM/HER". He sounds less like a minion of hell and more like a frat boy yelling at a pledge to shave a goat's scrotum.

-Look Dirk, I know this movie doesn't make sense. I know there's more plotholes than a blind man playing Tetris, but you could have put a little more effort in your acting performance. I know you wanted your bulging eyeballs to get most of the credit, but the nice man is paying you to act. At least it's not Bodyslam.

Must have looked at his IMdb.