The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave VHS Artwork

Evelyn ended up out of her grave and into the worst photoshop job of all time. Choose from three flavors...Exotic orange, gorgeous green, and OHMYGODWHATTHEFUCKISTHAT brown.

Death From Above (2012)

Death From Above (2012)

Director: Bruce Koehler

Stars: Kurt Angle, Tom Savini, Sid Vicious (the wrestler, not the long dead Sex Pistol)

Kurt Angle, doing the worst impression of a redneck ever, runs his truck into a tree. While he tries to figure out how his "drivin' through trees" theory might have gone wrong, he finds a souvenir medal and starts killing people. It's a common reaction, I hear. 

Meanwhile, we're forced to peek into the life of good ol' boy Gunnar...yes Gunnar. When he's not out with his giant buddy Animal, he's getter harassed by the Man (Tom Savini), or forcing women to mud wrestle each other. Krazy Kurt tries to kill Gunnar because he has one of those souvenir medals too. Probably because he was cramping on Kurt's fashion style.  

There's also a conspiracy nut, a psychic with giant boobs, and a terrible punk band called Anti-flag.Oh yeah, Sid Vicious is driving around in a muscle car staring at you. It's as bad (or as awesome) as you think.

Six Things I've Learned From Death From Above

1. It is scientific fact that if you are thrown into a mudpit, you are unable to resist your primal urge to mud rassle. It's freakin science, man!

2. A redneck demon listening to awful punk music may be Kurt Angle's greatest role yet!

3. I'm a fan of James Storm's wrestling (He's a pro wrestler for those who don't follow wrestling) but acting may be a touch out of his reach. I dunno if it's his line delivery or the fact that it looked like he was always looking at something offscreen. Either way, sorry bout his damn luck.

4. This movie is both terrible and tremendous all rolled up together. Making horribly happy babies together. A must see.

5.  Robert Z'Dar is in this. If you're thinking of how he looked in say Samurai Cop, think no further (if you're thinking about Samurai Cop, that won't be hard). The Robert Z'dar we get...well...he's a macy's parade balloon. He's so swollen looking I thought he was going to explode like Mr. Creosote.

6. If this movie did anything, it gave me a new nightmare image. Few things are as frightening as Sid Vicious sitting in a sports car wearing his "tonight...you" face.

Streets of Fire (1984)

Streets of Fire (1984)

Director: Walter Hill

Stars: Michael Pare, Dianne Lane, Rick Moranis

In a post apocalypse Earth, where everything's some bizarre mashup of American Bandstand 50's and let's make everything neon 80's, this depression era dressed mercenary rescues a pop star who is kidnapped by a biker gang. Along the way pick up a manly looking woman, a cranky acting Rick Moranis, a do-wop group, and some groupie. There's your A-Team right there.

There's a lot of good music in this, although the cheese factor of this movie may block you up for weeks.

Six Things I've Learned From Streets of Fire

1. No matter how badass your fighting skills may be, nobody is going to be intimidated by a bad high school mustache.

2.When ever the lead villain is a biker, always make sure your hair is as ridiculous looking as possible. It shows that you're so badass, you don't care that you look like a hawk that had sex with a human female.

3. I love that the "hero" puts together a team made entirely of annoying people who hate each other. That's some skills right there.

4. No matter how much I wish it, the Baseball Furies from Walter Hill's The Warriors are NOT going to show up and beat everyone with baseball bats.

5. This movie taught me that if you get into a one on one fight in the middle of the road with a crazy biker gang leader who brought all his biker buds, the best thing to do is call on Bill Paxton and his army of gun toting bird people to back you up.

6. The ending scene/song is awesome, with pretty much the whole cast on stage (minus our "hero"). I just wished that the two main bad guys (played by Willem Dafoe and Lee Ving) would have had a change of heart and jumped onstage, smiling and singing with the do-wop group and Dianne Lane. Would have made it 5 stars in stead of just 4 1/2 stars.

Lady Street Fighter (1985)

Lady Street Fighter (1985)
Director: James Bryan
Stars: Renee Harmon, Joel D. McCrea, Trace Carradine, Liz Renay

Exotic Eastern European beauty, Linda Allen, flies in to Los Angeles to track down the evil mobsters who tortured and murdered her sister. Meanwhile, the mobsters are trying to find a tape with information that would be incriminating to them. Linda's investigation deals with a pimp who may be the murderer she is after, and a helpful FBI agent who may not be the crime hunter he pretends to be. Cunning and deadly she is, but will she be up to the tangled web of corruption, violence, and death she falls into?

Six Things I Learned From Lady Street Fighter

1. Linda can leap on cars, do kung fu and handle a gun, but acting is not one of her strong suits.

2. Licking the phone makes phone sex more erotic.

3. Nothing says badass like a nicely knitted hat.

4. Stealing a teddy bear will result in a gun pointed at your head.

5. It’s easy to evade the cops. Just stay slightly out of their view.

6. Cute girls make the best bullies because you can’t hit them back.

Don't Open the Door VHS Cover

 

Haley Mills stars in the Parent Death Trap.

Superman 2 (1980)

Superman 2 (1980)

Director(s): Richard Lester (official) Richard Donner (originally)

Stars: Christopher Reeve, Margot Kidder, Terrance Stamp

I know I'm picking an obvious one here, but for the sake of those who haven't seen it, let me explain the plot.

Superman inadvertently frees three super criminals from Krpton from their flat prison called the Phantom Zone. They come to Earth (led by the wonderfully evil  General Zod) and decide to take over it. While this is going on, Lois finds out the Clark Kent is really Superman. They fall in love, Supes takes her to his crib, and they knock super boots.He then fucks it all up by turning mortal, where he's easy pickens for truck driver assholes. Zod and company look for Supes, Supes fights them, and of course the sequels aren't called General Zod 3: The Wrath of Mute Guy, so you know the Man of Steel beats them. He then wipes out Lois' memory and things are back to normal.

I'm doing this a little differently because I recently learned of another cut of Superman 2. The "new" version is actually the footage that Richard Donner directed before getting fired. Only 30% of Donner's footage made it to the actual theatrical release, so it was fascinating to see what a 95% Donner helmed Superman 2 looked like. 

So with that I present to you...

Six Things I Liked AND Disliked About Richard Donner's Version of Superman 2

1. No Paris sequence. I've always hated it anyways, and felt Donner's version sets a better tone and gives it a better flow with the first film.

2. More focus on General Zod and gang. Zod is one of my all time favorite bad guys. From his almost bored expression he wears throughout the film, to the many times he yells "KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!" he is what a true villain is suppose to be. No wisecracks, no pandering to his gang, just straight up badass.

3. I did NOT like the fact that they took almost all the humor out of it. I understand taking goofy shit like the sight gags during the Metropolis fight (wigs coming off, guy in phone booth won't stop talking despite hurricane like winds), but took all the comical elements out of Non, the mute previously childlike member of Zod's group. Sure he looks menacing, but now he has no personality. Might as well be called Generic Henchman #12. 

Oh, but let's add in a fucking toilet scene when Lex and Tessmacher goes to the Fortress of Solitude. Yes, toilets flushing and all. I'm surprised they didn't talk about how hard the toilet paper was. Guess we now know Superman shits. Thanks Donner.

4. Marlon Brando's giant scary head. All over the damn place. It's horrific, and am shocked when Lois didn't run screaming. I thought he was going to eat Clark at least three times. The horror...the horror.

5. They took out the Mount Rushmore scene. I'll underline that....THEY TOOK OUT THE FUCKING MOUNT RUSHMORE SCENE! They put in some stupid scene of the Washington monument going down. Whoop-dee shit. At least my favorite sequence in the film, the Metropolis fight, looks great.

6. The ending was a mixed bag for me. On one hand, I liked how Clark kisses an upset Lois and her memory is blanked out. Now she doesn't have to suffer knowing she can't be with Clark. On the other hand, between the first shoot and the reshoots, Margot Kidder must have discovered meth because she is looking rough. It's upsetting because of how pretty she looks throughout Donner's cut.

As soon as I saw Perry White's toothpaste slowly come out of the tube, I knew Superman was gonna do a rerun. What I mean is is that Superman flies around the Earth moving back time once again. Sure, Lois doesn't know who he is anymore, but now the very villains he killed are back alive (albeit in the Phantom Zone again). How does that shit make any sense!?

Overall, I liked both films. The Lester one will always be my favorite super hero film, but Donner's version clears up a lot of plot holes and makes the film seem more serious. I'm sure somebody's does a fan edit where they put the best of both together...and I'd probably watch that too.

Psycho Cop (1989)

Psycho Cop (1989)

Director: Wallace Potts

Stars:  Bobby Ray Shafer, Palmer Lee Todd, Jeff Qualle

If there was ever a title that wasn't misleading, this would be it. He's a cop, and the guy sure as hell is psycho...so no false advertising there. The story...what little there is of one....is 6 young douchebags going to the longest mansion ever out in the middle of nowhere to drink beer. That's all these fuckers do is ask for beer. They may be the most functional alcoholics ever shot on film. Anyway, Psycho Cop follows them there and begins killing them one by one. If you're expecting gore, or nudity, or anything resembling decent acting, well you're shit out of luck here pal. It is amusing to watch Psycho Cop walk around like he dropped a deuce in his pants, and the movie is competently shot, I can see why there hasn't been an outcry for this to be on DVD here in the US. Apparently there's a sequel to this, but fuck that noise.

Six Things I've Learned About Psycho Cop

1. Judging by what these guys brought, the only meals they were having was beer and Stouffer's. Yum. It's pretty funny (and kinda gross) to see that Stouffer's hasn't changed their packaging in over 20 years.

2. This film attempts to take any ideas of jerk off material away by dressing the women in swimsuits that would be considered risque...in 1947.

3. Psycho Cop has the ability to appear right in front of you no matter where you are. This leads to some awkward moments when you have to take a shit in the middle of being chased. He'll turn his head though. He's not a MONSTER.

4. Don't know why Psycho Cop's the way he is? Don't worry, another cop will let you know the whole backstory before his heart is "ripped: out. Loose lips sink ships, asshole!

5. This movie makes sure that our characters say that something strange is going on every 30 seconds. It's like a guy who tells a sorta funny joke, and then repeats the joke for an hour and a half.

6. I sorta felt sorry for Psycho Cop because he tried to do the Freddy Kruger clever lines delivery, but all he could come up with is "have a heart" and "you have the right to remain dead". Bless his satanic heart,