Tuesday, October 29, 2013

15 Horror Characters That Deserve To Die - The Top 5!

Here we are, the top five that I personally feel deserve the fates that God (and the screenwriters) gave to them. 

#5 - Mr. Alphonso The Creepy Fat Pedo from Alice Sweet Alice

This movie disturbs me. Maybe it's the rare sight of seeing a kid get killed in a horror film. maybe it's the sister of the dead kid, whom while actually over 18, would probably illicit the fantasies of many a sick child lovin bastard. 

Nah, it's Mr. Alphonso.

Looking an awful lot like a cross between Divine minus the makeup and Grimice from McDonalds, he just comes off as seriously unsettling. Having him surrounded by cute kittens doesn't help either.

#4 - TJ and Leelee (Really?) from Killer Nerd

You have to give me a moment here...I JUST found out that one of the character's names is Leelee. The hell kind of name is that!?

Okay, I'm better now. 

These two thugs harass and beat up our hero Harold Kunkle for no reason other than he's what the uncouth may call a "nerd". I see nothing wrong with being a nerd, but I do find something wrong with beating the shit out of a defenseless guy and making him refer to himself as a sissy boy. Harold agrees because he snaps and starts killing off everyone who has been mean to him...and I applaud it every step of the way.

Now mind you, I'm not advocating murder (despite making a list advocating that very thing), but sometimes a movie just has to tell the little guy that yeah, you can also strap sticks of dynamite to your enemies' heads and make em explode! 

God bless you Harold Kunkle.

#3 - That Bitchy Chris Hargensen from Carrie

I'm not talking about the remake...I feel they should only remake awful movies and try to get them right. Manos remake anyone? 

No, I'm talking about the 1976 classic. Chris and her group of bitchy mcbitches like to torment poor Carrie because she's naive and her mom is a raving religious nutjob. But everyone has a breaking point. Mine was fighting back against this asshole in high school who was already balding and telling him to meet me after school for a fight. He never showed. Yay me! For Carrie, it was when Chris and the dreamy John Travolta dump pig's blood on Carrie at the prom. Instead of fighting against male pattern baldness man like I did, she used her kinetic powers to murder everyone.

Is it overkill? Perhaps. But hey, they deserved it. I got issues, man.

#2 - The Criminally Unfunny Howard from My Bloody Valentine

Well, here's the second My Bloody Valentine character that I felt needed to be on this list. I originally had him at number one, but he just wasn't as worthy as my real number one. 

Howard's the guy you have in your group that tries to be goofy and funny, but comes off as sad and pathetic. It's no shock that this type of character (see previous entry Shelly from Friday the 13th Part 3) is always single. They think doing things like faking being killed and causing old ladies to nearly have heart attacks is a hoot. 

He also shows his true colors when the kids are in the mines and find out Harry Warden's on the loose down there. Does he stay and help protect the wimmin folk? Nope, the little bitch runs off into the darkness. He's not seen again until the group (or what's left of them) tries to climb the longest ladder in history to escape. Even then he's just..."hanging around".

Oh God, I may be this very cliche! HELP!

#1 - Kendall's Penis from Pieces

Now I'm aware that it may be a radical idea to put someone's anatomy at the top of a list of horror characters, but it makes sense. Let me explain.

Kendall is a man whore. With his nerdy grandpa sweaters, to his white man's afro, and his inability to fight worth a shit, it's easy to see why the ladies flock to him. But you see, Kendall is ruled by his penis (who does make an appearance in this film). Hopping around sticking himself in places he knows he won't commit to...that penis has broken a lot of hearts on campus.

The killer in Pieces was killing off lovely coeds for body parts in order to make himself a patchwork date. It stands to reason that some of the poor victims had also been victims to Kendall's raging hard on. So when Kendall reaches over to grab his coat, it's like his penis is taunting the pieces of his former conquests by waving himself in their "faces" so to speak. They react in the manner you'll see in this clip. Hell hath no fury like a dead woman puzzle scorned.

That's it for the countdown this year! I like to thank all of you for reading, suggesting, and being downright pleasant. I'm giving you all a treat next month as I have declared November as Awful Movie Month. 30 days of me torturing myself for your amusement! Happy Halloween!

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