tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33703422736323204572024-03-19T03:16:06.929-07:00Wide Weird World Of Cult FilmsWhat I really learn from movies.Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.comBlogger310125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-87579944195474948812016-06-20T06:52:00.002-07:002016-06-20T06:52:55.918-07:00Grizzly (1976)<div style="text-align: center;">
Grizzly (1976)</div>
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Director: William Girdler</div>
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Stars: Christopher George, Andrew Prime, A big ass bear</div>
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For this special review for the <a href="http://cinematiccatharsis.blogspot.com/2016/06/the-natures-fury-blogathon-is-here-day.html" target="_blank">Nature's Fury Blogathon</a> I decided to call in a few favors and have longtime conservation icon Smokey the Bear join me for this review. His comments will be in italics.</div>
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<b>Smokey, I want to thank you for helping me out today. Been a big fan since I was a wee lad in the late 70's.</b></div>
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<i>Don't put it that way! It makes me sound old. *laughs*</i></div>
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<b>*laughs* You're only as old as you feel right? </b><br />
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<i> That's true. Dan, I'm glad you asked me here today because I've wanted to talk about this movie for a long time now.</i></div>
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<i> </i><b>I was not aware of that.</b><br />
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<i> Oh yeah. There are some points in this film that I think need to be closely looked at today.</i></div>
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<i> </i><b>You mean the movie Grizzly, directed by the late William Girdler in 1976, which stars Christopher George as a park ranger that has to deal with a huge killer bear...</b><br />
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<i> Let me stop you there. That's exactly what I'm talking about.</i></div>
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<i> <b> </b></i><b>What, Christopher George?</b><br />
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<i> No, I'm talking about this ridiculous notion that the title character in this film is a savage ruthless killer, when in fact he's the victim in this.</i></div>
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<i> </i><b>Did we watch the same movie? Because I seem to remember the bear being the "bad guy" so to speak in this. I mean, this is after all a Jaws ripoff. An entertaining one for sure, but one nonetheless.</b></div>
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<i> Why is the bear the bad guy, if I may ask?</i></div>
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<i> </i><b>Oh I don't know, maybe walking around and eating a bunch of people.</b> </div>
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<i> There's the key word, "eat". Bears, like all other living beings, need some sort of food to survive, correct?</i></div>
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<i> </i><b>Well...yeah. I guess.</b></div>
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<i> This so called "killer" needed food to live. And in the woods, sometimes food can be scarce to find. I know I had this one weekend where I was so hungry I ate a tree. You ever eaten a tree?</i></div>
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<b>I...can't say that I have.</b><br />
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<i> It sucks. So this grizzly is scared and hungry, and here are these humans invading his natural habitat. So of course a bear's going to get desperate. If he hadn't been starving, he probably would have just let those folks know how to put a campfire out when they left.</i></div>
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<i> </i><b>With all due respect, I think you're overthinking this a bit.</b><br />
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<i> You need to check your human privilege, meat bag.</i></div>
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<b>Check my what?</b><br />
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<i> You heard me, asshole. You sit there all smug in your clothing and your hairless bodies...</i></div>
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<i> </i><b>You obviously haven't seen my back.</b><br />
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<i> ...Gross. Anyway, you humans have done everything in your power to keep the mighty bear down. Putting us on unicycles, making us wrestle humans, hell even making me wear pants and this dumbass hat. I want my little grizzly to swing free like NATURE intended.</i></div>
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<i> </i><b>I'm getting a bit uncomfortable with this, man.</b><br />
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<i> Do I look like your "man"? So you're uncomfortable? GOOD! You should be!</i></div>
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<i> </i><b>I don't know what sort of power you think I wield over the bear universe, but I'm not the one doing those things. I just watched this movie, which we're supposed to talk about.</b><br />
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<i> Yeah you watched. And you did nothing about it. Which makes you as bad as Christopher George. How's THAT for talking about the movie!?</i></div>
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<i> </i><b>Creative, I admit. But why hate on Christopher George? I mean, this is just a movie! And didn't he cater to the bears by posing nude in Playgirl back in the 70's?</b><br />
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<i> That's an entirely different kind of bear, you moron.</i></div>
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<i> </i><b>It is? Huh. So what I was saying is, you're using a movie from 1976 to prove that there is some human agenda to suppress bears?</b><br />
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<i> You damn right there is.</i></div>
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<i> </i><b>But you've spent decades helping humans to protect themselves from fires.</b><br />
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<i> I'm not trying to protect you filthy meat bags! I'm trying to make sure you fucknuts don't burn down the woods and kill all my relatives!</i></div>
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<i> </i><b>OK, so you want to go down this road, I'm willing to do that. I'd like to mention a certain famous bear that's been allowed to commit crime after crime without any sort of jail time. I'm referring to one Yogi the bear.</b><br />
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<i> Oh here we go...</i></div>
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<i> </i><b>Do you or do you not admit that Yogi has been caught, on film no less, multiple times stealing?</b></div>
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<i> Yes, but it was only picnic baskets. </i></div>
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<i> </i><b>Only picnic baskets? You mean picnic baskets full of food so hungry humans wouldn't starve?</b><br />
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<i> It's not the same thing. You can just go to the grocery store. You ever see a bear in a grocery store? They constantly eye you while you try to find the ripest melons.</i></div>
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<i> </i><b>Alright then. I want to bring up something about this movie that really bothered me. In this film, the grizzly kills several people, correct?</b><br />
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<i> Self preservation, but yes.</i></div>
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<i> </i><b>I found it quite telling that other than the two main supporting characters, played by Andrew Prine and Richard Jaeckel, and one other ranger, that all the other victims were women?</b><br />
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<i> What do you mean?</i></div>
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<b>What I mean is, it sure seems like that poor ol' lil grizzly bear sure likes bumping off the ladies. I tend to find that just a wee bit sexist.</b></div>
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<i> That is preposterous. </i></div>
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<b>I don't know. Ripping ladies' arms off, using one as a chew toy in his mouth. Oh, and let's not forget when he mauled that MOTHER who trying to save her CHILD from being an appetizer for this misunderstood bear.</b><br />
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<i> I see what you're doing there, and you're an asshole.</i></div>
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<i> </i><b>A toddler, Smokey. Petting a damn cute little bunny rabbit. Did the bear wipe his ass with the rabbit afterwards?</b><br />
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<i> I don't have to take this shit. I'm leaving.</i></div>
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<i> </i><b>I think that's for the best. Maybe it's best not to meet one's heroes. They always seem to disappoint.</b><br />
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<i> Fuck you Lashley. Also, don't forget to prevent forest fires. But mainly, fuck you.</i></div>
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Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-70137863848527052192016-04-07T08:39:00.000-07:002016-04-07T08:40:38.423-07:00Blood Reservoir (2014)<div style="text-align: center;">
Blood Reservoir (2014)</div>
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Director: Mark Anthony Del Negro</div>
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Stars: Felissa Rose, Jonathan Tiersten, Hannah Landberg</div>
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I wasted $1.99 on this garbage.</div>
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Not the usual way to start a review, but this particular tidbit bothered me. It's not like $1.99 is going to break me, but it's the principle of the matter. Let me explain. I have Amazon Prime. It's highly recommended just for the free shipping alone, but there's tons of stuff to watch FOR FREE on Amazon Prime video. Lately I've been revisiting those good ol' Jersey boys and girls of the Sopranos. Still as good as I remembered it. The fact is, is this tremendously written and acted show was FREE on Prime video. Blood Reservoir wasn't. You had to pay for the privilege of watching the equivalent of getting kicked in the balls for 54 minutes straight. Yes, that's how long this "movie" is.</div>
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Let's get the dumbass plot out of the way...what sense of it I could make. A group of late 20's jackasses decide to go hiking in an area of woods where people are getting killed by one of several different serial killers or legends. It's never made clear if it's the legend of Pumpkin Jack (who'll make you die tonight, I assume) or the serial killer the Ice Woman (who I guess keeps her victims in those little ice trays for parties). </div>
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In the midst of this, there's a love triangle of sorts between the biggest...pardon my words...pussy magnet of the tri state area. He's got a girl to pay his bills, but he's got the hots for some eighteen year old who's on the trip as well. The teenager's sister (also on the trip) has daydreams about men in bowler hats strangling women and ordering people around in sepia tone. Oh, and there's the token black guy. I'm not kidding.</div>
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They go to the local general store where they meet the store owner (Rose) and the sheriff, who looks disturbingly like an animatronic Rob Schneider. Let that image sink in. Little did I know robotic Deuce Bigelo is the brother of the Situation. I will rename this guy the Shituation for how badly he acted.</div>
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Look, I'm just going to spoil it for you as best I can. The campers die, even though the flashback having lady set up the whole thing to kill everyone. They are murdered by an overacting Rose and the Shituation. Oh did I mention there's a guy in the woods who's a ghost FBI agent dressed up like the Fonz? That slipped my mind along with around thirty-two brain cells.</div>
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This "movie" is shit. I usually don't call out other sites by name for giving turds like this positive reviews, and I won't here, but that's basically what one unnamed site did. The guy writing the review even admits to doing a promotional article for the director previous to the review...so why have this guy gingerly talk about the problems this movie has? He basically talks about several of the problems I'm about to go into, but then pats Del Negro on the back and go "There there, champ, it's great for a first try!". That's bullshit. Be a shill for the guy if you want, but don't fool people into thinking this movie is good in any way. People don't deserve to waste money like that on misleading shit.</div>
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That takes me to what I did not enjoy about this film (and a few other things).</div>
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<u><b> Things That Pissed Me Off About Blood Reservoir</b></u></div>
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- The audio is atrocious. Half the time the music or sound effects are louder than the dialogue, or even better, the actors and the mic are as far away as humanly possible.</div>
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- Deeply bothered by the lack of any reference of time. Yeah some movies overdo it on the establishing shots, but this movie is one scene cut to one scene cut to another scene. They're walking, next scene they're all set up camping, and then the next scene everyone is all over the damn place. All in the span of like two minutes.</div>
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- The "news segments" are not funny, and did we need four of them within five minutes of each other?</div>
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- The acting is bad. Super bad. There's a few actors here I think could do better (Rose for sure) but I blame that on the shitty script. The other actors are just awful. The Shituation is a particularly bad actor.</div>
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- Why was the death of the black guy the only one lovingly shown while all the other deaths were offscreen? Hmmm.</div>
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- The script. I know Del Negro had a story in mind, and I could even see it at points, but he has no idea how to pace a movie and have it make any kind of fucking sense. I still don't know why flashback girl wanted everyone dead.</div>
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- None of the characters are the least bit sympathetic. I'm not talking about the annoying campers trope you see, I mean every character in this film is someone if you saw get on an elevator, you'd take the stairs. You'd rather be in discomfort and tired than to spend thirty seconds with these people.</div>
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- When every single executive producer has the last name Del Negro, I know how this was funded. They said the budget was 100 grand? Where did it go?</div>
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Before I mercifully end this, I have to mention something. I know I've been really hard on these people, and no it's not the worst film I've ever seen, but this is why I'm so angry. If you look on Amazon reviews for this film, or even IMDb, you'll see super positive reviews for this film. I get trying to cover a turd in a golden wrapper and calling it a Wonka Bar, but it's dishonest and scummy to go under different names and write fake reviews of your own film. While I don't have "proof" of this, any sort of common sense can tell you these positive reviews come from someone involved with the production. Don't call your movie shit, but don't try to fool horror fans. </div>
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If one person reads this and doesn't waste $1.99 on this, then I'll have done my job. I need to review something good next time. This can't be good for my health.<br />
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Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-8302084880987113472016-03-04T11:28:00.002-08:002016-03-04T11:28:44.142-08:00Night of the Demon (1980)<div style="text-align: center;">
Night of the Demon (1980)</div>
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Director: James C. Wasson</div>
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Stars: Michael Cutt, Joy Allen, Bigfoot</div>
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I have always wanted to see this film simply for the fact that I personally think that Bigfoot is a gentle creature who merely wants to be left alone. I mean, when that car hit him in Harry and the Hendersons, he didn't get angry, he just hung out with them and taught them the value of family. Sure, he got angry in those beef sticks commercials, but wouldn't you be angry if hipster douchebags kept fucking with you? I know if I had the strength of ten men, I'd be field goal kicking some bespectacled dick right in his freshly shaved asshole. </div>
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Don't ask me how I know that. </div>
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So the story here takes place in a hospital, where a badly dressed detective is interviewing a professor whose face has been horribly disfigured (which he covers up with a mask). He tells what happened in the first of many flashbacks. The professor and a group of similarly aged students go out into the remote woods to see if they can get proof of the existence of Bigfoot. I'm not sure what proof they were planning to get or how they were going to get it, because due to flashbacks within flashbacks we find out that Bigfoot has been killin' folks left and right. Wait...killin' folks!? Nah, not Bigfoot. It has to be someone dressed like him.</div>
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The Scooby gang goes into town, where they find out about a crazy girl living alone in the woods who went crazy because she had a deformed baby and it died. See, she's probably the killer. Story over. Time to go...wait, why is the sheriff watching them with disdain in his eyes?</div>
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Turns out the gang runs into a cult of Bigfoot worshipers, who have the crazy lady lying down ready for some hillbilly lovin' before the professor chases them away. OK, THERE'S the real killers. I better cut this off now.</div>
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Only they aren't the killers. In fact, they are never seen again. What the fuck movie!? The gang finally track down Crazy Mary (not her real name) and they find her special dead baby room. Not creepy at all. The professor hypnotizes her and they find out that her crazy hillbilly cult leadin' dad was the one who killed her baby. Why you may ask? Well...she tries to run away from daddy dearest when she's raped by Bigfoot. </div>
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Yes, Bigfoot raped this woman right in her own front yard. With her daddy watching no less. As thanks for killing the half human/half furball baby, "Crazy Mary" here burns ol' pappy poopdeck alive.</div>
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SPOILER ALERT FOR A FILM MADE IN 1980!!</div>
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The final minutes of this film is Bigfoot wanting to see his girl again, so does he stand outside her home with a boombox in his hand? No, he murders the college students horribly, and slams the professor's face into a hot stove.</div>
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We come back to the professor and the doctor wisely puts him to sleep. Another doctor declares the professor criminally insane although there are no murder victims to be found. We end depressed.</div>
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I really thought Bigfoot was a loving gentle creature of nature, but check out this scorecard:</div>
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- Tears a guy's arm off</div>
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- Rips some biker's dick off!!</div>
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- Drags a naked guy out of a van, and presumably fucks him to death on top of the van (that's alright with him)</div>
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- Makes two girl scouts stab each other repeatedly with knives!</div>
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- Swings a guy in a sleeping bag over his head and onto a pointy branch (Top THAT Vorhees)</div>
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- Pitchfork to the back</div>
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- Stove to the face</div>
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- Slams a guy's head into a tree causing the guy to shoot himself in the head!</div>
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- Rapes a mountain woman!!</div>
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Bigfoot, you ARE a giant hairy asshole!!<br />
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Here's a very NSFW trailer for Night of the Demon. There is biker penis seen, and no, Bigfoot ain't working at no rest stop.<br />
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Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-69689171935908220502015-12-23T08:50:00.000-08:002016-01-06T15:11:27.169-08:00Beyond The Grave (2010)<div style="text-align: center;">
Beyond The Grave (2010)</div>
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Director: Davi de Oliveira Pinheiro</div>
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Stars: Rafael Tombini, Alvaro Rosa Costa, Ricardo Seffner</div>
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An unnamed Officer drives through a post apocalyptic (but beautiful) world where the seven gates of hell have opened up and zombies walk the Earth. He's on the hunt for the Dark Rider, a serial killer with strange and evil powers.These two are on a collision course for a final duel, but will good overcome evil?</div>
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I've always been fascinated with horror films from other countries. This Brazillian effort is less a horror film (though there are horror elements) than it is a bloody fantasy arthouse film. Now this isn't a bad thing, because I wasn't sure what to expect. Anyone can throw blood and gore at the screen (and has), but this film does it only when the story calls for it...which is pretty refreshing.</div>
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The cinematography by Melissandro Bittencourt is fantastic. They make the most of their small budget by filming in some downright beautiful locations. This really offsets the violence nicely. The acting is very good and the dialogue scarce at times. </div>
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The makeup effects were really well done. All practical, and the zombies looked nice and dead. The gore was disgusting, and you can't ask for anything more out of your gore. The music though, is one big highlight. Very prog rock/Goblin like with a touch of Brazillian mixed in. I'd listen to that soundtrack nonstop.</div>
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If there were anything that bothered me about the film is that it drags in places. For a 90 minute film, the slowdown needs to be at a minimum in my opinion. And while I love the references, I think there was a bit too much taken from Stephen King, most notably Randall Flagg. But honestly, these were minor quibbles to me.</div>
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The movie is up on Hulu for free if you'd like to judge for yourself. Overall I think it's extremely well made film, with fun characters, great locations and awesome music.</div>
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<a href="https://scontent-atl3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xtf1/v/t1.0-9/12376007_10207550444826464_2577667193900731538_n.jpg?oh=1921a65d18b1753d4c7e3a620eea20c3&oe=571CA7EA" target="_blank">Beyond the Grave full movie</a></div>
Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-37318005807518075892015-10-29T09:05:00.000-07:002016-01-06T15:14:15.912-08:00Top 10 Underrated Horror Films - The Final Six!<div style="text-align: left;">
Since it's almost Halloween, I decided to not keep you in suspense and give you the last six underrated films.</div>
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<u><b>6. Sweet Home (1989)</b></u></div>
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A television crew go to the creepy old mansion of a dead great artist to find several frescos that he had hidden in his home and film the restoration. But they don't realize until too late that the ghost of his wife is still in the house, and she's pretty pissed.</div>
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A fun, atmospheric ghost story with likable characters, this one ends up on my list because I enjoy when several different types of horror mix together. A sort of "peanut butter in my chocolate" kind of deal, only more like "your severed gory torso in my haunting" way. Several awesome FX effects (by Dick Smith!) and a compelling story makes this a winner. </div>
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Fun Fact: There was an Nintendo game based on this film that was a heavy inspiration for the Resident Evil series!</div>
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<u><b>5. Masks (2011)</b></u></div>
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In the 70's a guy creates this revolutionary acting technique, one that's suppose to make you better than Brando, Streep, and Pauly Shore combined. People die trying to learn it and the guy vanishes.</div>
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Modern day acting student Stella gets invited into a world class acting school. You'll see right off she really isn't very good, but somehow she gets invited to learn this super secret technique and things get dark as fuck quickly.</div>
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It's obvious there's a big nod to Suspiria in this German film, but it creates it's own spooky atmosphere. It eases you (and Stella) into the horror, but once it does, it doesn't let up. The actress playing Stella is really good, and seeing some of these people die is very gratifying. </div>
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This one seems to be very hard to find in the US, but if you can find a way to see this, by all means do.</div>
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<u><b>4. Midnight (1982)</b></u></div>
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John Russo has had some hits and misses (sadly more misses than hits), but when he hits, he fires on all cylinders. While this is a typical "young people drive their van to places they should never go and die" kind of flick, Russo doesn't try to make it classy and instead rolls this movie around in the dirt and grime and make it as sleazy as possible. Let's check out the grindhouse checklist...</div>
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Creepy perverted stepdad played by the boss in Reservior Dogs? Check</div>
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Evil santanic family? Check</div>
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Hapless young folks getting killed in dragged out ways? Check</div>
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Some sweet sweet revenge? Checkmate!</div>
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This is one of those movies you need to watch when you want to take a shower afterwards for getting so damn down and dirty. It's not particularly gory, but the atmosphere sure as hell makes up for it. </div>
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<u><b>3. Spider Labyrinth (1988)</b></u><br />
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Man is sent by his employers (a college) to get some research papers from a professor. After meeting the Professor and his wife, the Professor is murdered. When the man asks about the wife, we learn the Professor wasn't married!</div>
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So we begin a long strange trip for answers, and what the man finds at the end...a spider cult. Of course. It's ALWAYS a spider cult.</div>
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There's some Wicker Man touches in this film, and that's never a bad thing. Combine that with some imaginative and stylish kills (the death with a maze of bedsheets come to mind) and the always beautiful cinematography that our Italians horror overlords are capable of, and you got yourself one heck of a good time. This is one I fully "blame" my wife for getting me into.</div>
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<u><b>2. We're Going To Eat You (1980)</b></u><br />
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Agent 999 comes to this run down town on a secluded island in search of a wanted bandit. Little does he know that he's entered a town chock full of them there cannibals and they got their eyes on his thighs as their next meal!</div>
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It's incredibly hard to mix horror and comedy together and not make it look stupid. It can either go Shaun of the Dead or Saturday the 14th. This one goes for the former far more often. We got a clueless detective, a thief who ends up in trouble far more often than he is stealing, a crazy dictator like Chief, and a giant ugly Syphilis having drag queen who looks way too much like the love child of Andre the Giant and Giant Baba.</div>
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There's tons of gore in this, with people getting sawed in half, knives landing in all sorts of heads, ripped out hearts, and a loose limbs or twelve.</div>
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Fun Fact: This movie was a not so subtle jab against Communism!</div>
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<u><b>1. The Dead Next Door (1989)</b></u><br />
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I'm sure this is a surprising pick, and judging by what I've read online, one that really seems to polarize people. But I feel it's vastly underrated.</div>
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Yeah, let's be honest, director JR Bookwalter has made some not so good films. But this movie feels different. I know people will say because Sam Raimi pumped money into it to get finished (took over 4 years to make) or that Bruce Campbell dubs over TWO of the voices, but I feel it's not that at all.</div>
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There's a real "throw as much of the money onscreen as possible" feel in this super 8 classic. Yeah, it suffers from the low budget acting bug, and I'm not a fan of naming characters after well know horror folk (takes me out of the film) but it makes up for it in other ways. Here's my check list of positives for this movie:</div>
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- Excellent pacing. Most low budget films have no concept of this.</div>
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- Good running time. There's no reason for your no budget zombie film to be hours long. The 84 minute running time is perfect.</div>
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- Unexpected deaths. I hate that in most films, you know who is going to live or die. You don't get that here. Anyone is a throat rip away from death.</div>
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- Great gore. You expect gore in a zombie film. Outside of a couple of goofy (but forgivable) shots, the gore effects in this are well done.</div>
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- The cult. Adding in a zombie Jonestown kind of cult was very clever, and a good way to introduce adversaries to the Zombie Squad</div>
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- It looks like everyone is having a great time...especially the zombies (mostly locals from Ohio)</div>
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Bookwalter just ran an indiegogo campaign and appears to be putting out a new blu-ray of Dead Next Door. Anyway, this is one any lover of low budget films need to check out.</div>
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Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-60145320564444749912015-10-16T11:29:00.002-07:002015-10-16T11:29:45.279-07:00Top 10 Underrated Horror Films: The Evil and Amityville 2<div style="text-align: center;">
Today's picks turned out to be an inadvertent Andrew Prine double feature. If that's good or bad, I'll leave that up to you.</div>
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<u><b>8 - The Evil (1978)</b></u></div>
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This is one of those movies that I would see the trailer for on multiple trailer compilations, and it looked gloriously cheesy. When I finally got to see this film, it certainly didn't disappoint in the cheese department, but it was also highly entertaining.<br />
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Richard Crenna, his wife Joanna Pettet, his buddy Andrew Prine, and a few others come to this old building to turn it into a new clinic. Unfortunately, the house is a bit of a bastard, and before you know it, it's lighting up humans like cigarettes, giving its own shock therapy, and at one point even attempting ghost rape. </div>
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Crenna does a great job of playing the doubting lead, while his more believing wife Pettet knows some bad shit's going down. The atmosphere is suitably creepy, and the kills, while not imaginative, are certainly startling.</div>
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One thing I noticed was that the girl played by Cassie Yates is killed by having her throat ripped out by her own German Shepherd. Now I can't say for sure, but it's very similar to the scene in Suspiria when the blind guy gets his throat ripped out in the middle of an city square. I wonder which film Fulci decided to see to get the same death by guide dog scene in the Beyond. </div>
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If you can overlook the ridiculous ending with Victor Buono, you'll enjoy this slice of 70's horror cheese. The full movie is on Youtube under House of Evil, but here's a nice trailer to get you started.</div>
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<u><b>7 - Amityville 2 (1982)</b></u></div>
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Wow. Whereas the first film was to put bluntly, dull as a documentary about teaspoon collecting, this one just says "fuck it, let's creep the hell out of everyone". How did they do that? One Jack Magner.</div>
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Magner, playing Sonny Montelli (a thinly disguised version of Ronald DeFeo Jr), reaches a level of pure creepiness that hadn't been seen since Tom Basham in the Psychopath (1973). The way he leers after his sister (played by the lovely Diane Franklin) even made MY skin crawl. </div>
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The story is a awesome mixture of the DeFeo murders retold, mixed in with some blatant Exorcist touches. This wildly dysfunctional family moves into the perfect house. By perfect I mean the best possible place in Long Island to be possessed by your Walkman. Burt Young is the abusive dickhead father, and there ain't no Rocky to save his ass here.</div>
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Father Adamsky (James Olson) senses something terribly wrong with the house, but fuck that...it's time to go hang out with Andrew Prine for the weekend. He comes back from the trip to find the whole family dead, and a distraught Sonny saying he doesn't remember.</div>
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You've got demon possession, you got incest, and you have one of the most unsettling and realistic looking scenes when Sonny kills his family. Seriously, I dare any of you to watch that particular scene and not be like "whoa".</div>
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This one is also on the Youtubes, but you don't have to take my word for it (Reading Rainbow music plays).</div>
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Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-55044836502874553732015-10-04T13:31:00.001-07:002015-10-04T13:33:17.864-07:00Top 10 Underrated Horror Films: Dead and Buried and Occult<div style="text-align: center;">
It's been a few months since I've written anything here. A combination of having a new job, working on a new video project, and generally being burnt out is the reason for that. But it's October, and if you can ignore the fucking Christmas shit already being put up in stores, you know that October is when you wanna be scared the most.</div>
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Now here at Wide Weird World, we tend to focus mainly on the bad. It's easy to find and you all seem to like me bursting a blood vessel to some SOV crap. But for my annual horror list, I'm going to take a cue from last year's list and focus on the underrated. Last year it was underrated characters. This year, we focus on those films that may get overlooked when discussing good horror.</div>
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Of course these are only my thoughts and opinions, and yours may vary. Some of these will be known to you, some may or may not. Outside of one film, I've stayed away from sequels. Also due to time, it's only going to be a top ten list. You may flog me later...call me.</div>
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<u><b>10 - Dead and Buried (1981)</b></u></div>
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I've talked about this film a few times over the years. I used to be a big fan of zombie films, but quite frankly I'm burned out by em. If they aren't some shit done for $32 and a six pack of Icehouse<u><b>,</b></u> it's the same shit regurgitated and spit into our mouths like birds being fed. This film, while it is a zombie film, really turns the genre on its head.</div>
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A photographer passing through gets more than he bargained for when the townspeople tie him up and set him ablaze. But even though this guy dies, a few days later, he's discovered pumping gas at the local gas station! How is that possible? And does it have something to do with the creepy mortician? Spoiler: It does.</div>
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The hero in this film is the local sheriff, and he's someone that most of us can identify with. Which makes what happens in the film even more disturbing...and a touch depressing.</div>
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<u><b>9 - Occult (2009)</b></u></div>
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Koji Shiraishi is one of my favorite directors in horror. I'll stop total strangers on the street to tell them about Noroi: The Curse. I had to buy a filing cabinet to store all my restraining orders.</div>
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Occult I think is his next best work...although not without some minor flaws. This is a mockumentary about a mass murder that happened on a bridge. Two people died, one guy was seriously wounded, and the killer jumped off a cliff never to be found. As the story goes on, the seriously wounded man, Eno starts to experience what he calls "miracles". </div>
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Strange things are recorded on tape, and the documentary crew (with Shiraishi playing himself) are a little concerned about Eno. Once Koji finds out what Eno's plan is, things go really fucking dark.</div>
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Some of the effects are a touch goofy, but this is an engaging story, and there's once scene in particular towards the end that is just "holy shit." The whole film (with subtitles) is on YouTube so I fully recommend you check it out.</div>
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Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-43321525551858176522015-06-18T16:48:00.000-07:002015-06-18T16:48:33.990-07:00Candy Colored Nightmares S2E1!<div style="text-align: center;">
Today has been an exciting day here in Cult Film land. In addition to getting 1000 likes on <a href="https://www.facebook.com/WideWeirdWorldOfCultFilms" target="_blank">Facebook</a>, we have a brand spanking new season of Candy Colored Nightmares for you all! In this look into the dreams of Alabaster TNT, we see a somewhat brutal mashup of celebrities singing. It's as bad as it sounds but hey, there's bonus Thor for you all! Enjoy!<br />
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<a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2uii1i_candy-colored-nightmares-s2e1_fun" target="_blank">Candy Colored Nightmares S2E1</a> <i>by <a href="http://www.dailymotion.com/alabastertnt" target="_blank">alabastertnt</a></i></div>
Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-91325305356142046762015-03-19T14:38:00.002-07:002015-03-19T14:38:19.201-07:00It's Wide Weird World of Cult Film's Third Anniversary!<div style="text-align: center;">
I have to say, when I started doing these reviews, I thought it would end up like most things I work on...I'd get gung ho for a while before someone threw a foil ball and I'd go chasing it. But here it is, three years later, and I'm still subjecting myself to some of the oddest films ever made. Of course in some sick way I love it, but then again, any man who would willfully watch several Nick Millard films can't be legally declared sane either.</div>
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I'm still working on my list of favorite comedy films, I thought it'd be cool to put together a list of my favorite reviews from the over 300 posts I've done. </div>
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2015/01/avalon-1989.html" target="_blank">Avalon</a></div>
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2012/04/porkys-1982.html" target="_blank">Porky's</a></div>
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2012/05/pieces-1982.html" target="_blank">Pieces</a></div>
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2012/05/kiss-meets-phanton-of-park-1978.html" target="_blank">KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park</a></div>
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2012/07/network-1976.html" target="_blank">Network</a></div>
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2012/08/hot-dog-movie-1984.html" target="_blank">Hot Dog: The Movie</a><br />
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2012/09/555-1988.html" target="_blank">555</a><br />
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-prodigal-son-1981.html" target="_blank">The Prodigal Son</a><br />
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2013/02/saturday-night-fever-1977.html" target="_blank">Saturday Night Fever</a><br />
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2013/04/mystics-in-bali-1981.html" target="_blank">Mystics in Bali</a><br />
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2013/04/superman-2-1980.html" target="_blank">Superman 2</a><br />
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2013/06/moving-violations-1985.html" target="_blank">Moving Violations</a><br />
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2013/07/hot-resort-1985.html" target="_blank">Hot Resort</a><br />
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2013/05/bachelor-party-1984.html" target="_blank">Bachelor Party</a><br />
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2013/07/baby-ghost-1995.html" target="_blank">Baby Ghost</a><br />
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2013/09/night-vision-1987.html" target="_blank">Night Vision</a><br />
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2013/09/black-river-monster-1986.html" target="_blank">Black River Monster</a><br />
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2013/09/the-cloth-2013.html" target="_blank">The Cloth</a><br />
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2014/11/american-revenge-1988.html" target="_blank">American Revenge</a><br />
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2014/11/doctor-bloodbath-1987.html" target="_blank">Doctor Bloodbath</a><br />
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2014/03/the-visitor-1979.html" target="_blank">The Visitor</a><br />
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2014/01/bruka-queen-of-evil-1973.html" target="_blank">Bruka Queen of Evil (audio)</a><br />
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2014/11/tales-from-quadead-zone-1987.html" target="_blank">Tales From the Quadead Zone</a><br />
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2013/11/skatetown-usa-1979.html" target="_blank">Skatetown USA</a><br />
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2013/11/a-talking-cat-2013.html" target="_blank">A Talking Cat?</a><br />
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<a href="http://wideweirdworldofcult.blogspot.com/2013/11/alien-beasts-1991.html" target="_blank">Alien Beasts</a><br />
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I want to thank some great people who have been supportive of me through these years. Folks like <a href="http://www.moviesatdogfarm.com/" target="_blank">Movies At Dog Farm</a>, <a href="http://cinematiccatharsis.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Cinematic Catharsis</a>, Midnight Showings, <a href="http://badassesboobsandbodycounts.com/" target="_blank">Badasses Boobs and Bodycounts</a>, <a href="http://splatterday.com/" target="_blank">The Church of Splatterday Saints</a>, <a href="http://monster-crap.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Monstercrap</a>, <a href="http://zerostarcinema.blogspot.com/" target="_blank">Down Among the "Z" Movies</a>, <a href="http://isaacspictureconclusions.com/" target="_blank">The IPC</a>, <a href="https://sleazoidcity.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">Trash Video Podcast</a> and of course my lovely wife at <a href="http://initforthekills.com/" target="_blank">Seven Doors of Cinema</a>. Thanks to all of you and all the great sites and podcasts for making me feel welcomed. <br />
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Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-84518769479775234852015-03-17T07:44:00.002-07:002015-03-17T07:44:27.391-07:00Getting to Know Me - My 6 Favorite Horror Movies<div style="text-align: center;">
This week (specifically March 19th) marks the three year anniversary of the Wide Weird World of Cult Films, and I thought I'd spend the next couple of weeks celebrating by letting you take a glimpse inside my brain and see what movies ended up shaping this slightly pudgy man before you. Since most of you love horror, I thought it only fitting that we start there...and going to go old school here by listing SIX of my all-time favorite horror films (in no particular order).</div>
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This is hands down my favorite slasher. Take two parts George (Christopher and Lynda), throw in a dash of Bluto from Robert Altman's Popeye, center it with the "It Stinks" guy from Pod People, and throw in generous portions of nudity and mostly bad gore, and you have one of the most insane viewing experiences of your life. Bonus Jack Taylor included.</div>
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<u><b>Burial Ground</b></u></div>
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This movie may have the barest of plot (along with the barest of ladies) and zombies that look like failed plaster life cast subjects and you have Burial Ground. There's a real sense of dread watching this, and I don't mean because it's bad. You know these schmucks are doomed, and we have to watch every uncomfortable moment of it. There is some good gore in this, and some grisly deaths, but the main reason to see this movie can be explained in two words...Peter Bark</div>
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<u><b>My Bloody Valentine</b></u></div>
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Oh Canada, you land of glorious horror. This film picked up where Friday the 13th left off and went after a holiday filled with love and torn out hearts. The deaths are the highlight of this film,even more so now that the gorier deleted scenes have been restored. You really need to see that goofy comic relief fully have his head pop off and his body tumble to the ground in uncut glory. I laugh every time.</div>
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Another plus is that I've interacted with Paul Kelman (who played TJ) on facebook, and he is one cool sumbitch.</div>
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<u><b>Dead And Buried</b></u><br />
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This film may be the most original use of zombies ever. They aren't brainless monster out for an all you can eat human buffet, but average looking citizens who just happen to murder people. Oh but it's alright because the friendly mortician will just fix em right up so they can join the town! These zombies are much more terrifying to me than the other kind, and Jack Albertson (in his final role) seems to relish playing an evil mortician playing God. The scene where he's performing his reconstruction magic is a true highlight.<br />
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<u><b>City of The Living Dead</b></u> </div>
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Geez this list makes me out to be some sort of undead enthusiast. I couldn't have a list of my favorite horror movies without something from Lucio Fulchi's trilogy in it. Now for the longest time The Beyond would have been my pic...and I'm still a huge fan of it, but over the years this one (also known as the Gates of Hell) has edged it out slightly. I wish I could say it's because of the plot, or the terrific acting, but in reality it's because I enjoy the deaths just too damn much. Three brain squeezings, a drill through the noggin, and a woman showing us the way her insides work in a way that Slim Goodbody never thought to make this a seminal gore classic.</div>
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<u><b>Frailty </b></u></div>
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This one may be a bit of a surprise after I listed bloodfest after bloodfest, but this movie doesn't get nearly the love it should. The idea that God sends messages to folks saying "Hey yo, these folks are demons. How about I show you where there's a good axe to be found and you go chop em up for me...OK?" is something that fascinates me. Plus who wouldn't want God to blur out your face on video cameras? It sure would keep people from knowing how often I visited Big Pete's House of Sex Meats.</div>
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Next time I'll take a look at a subject that some people say I'm good at, and others wish I would stop...comedies! </div>
Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-238087404139300492015-02-27T08:55:00.000-08:002015-02-27T09:27:44.092-08:00Paul McCartney Really Is Dead: The Last Testament of George Harrison (2010)<div style="text-align: center;">
Paul McCartney Really Is Dead: The Last Testament of George Harrison (2010)</div>
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Director: Joel Gilbert</div>
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Stars: The Beatles, William Campbell </div>
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Conspiracy theories always seem to amuse me. Well you haven't seen a Bigfoot, so you can't disprove that they exist and invented rollerblades to escape being noticed, can you? I thought not. I don't believe aliens are the root cause of everything, I don't believe the Shining is about Indians landing on the moon, and I don't believe Barry Manilow had anything to do with 9/11, but man there sure are a lot of people who do. Maybe not Barry. We can't smile without him.</div>
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What I'm trying to say is I think most of these people are well meaning (sometimes not so well meaning) kooks. This also goes for the decades long rumor that Paul McCartney died in 1966 and a double has been playing him ever since. How preposterous, I thought. You're speaking out loud again my wife said. Sorry, I muttered. So like most rational folk, I thought it was a bunch of hooey.</div>
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Until I saw this documentary.</div>
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The sheer amount of evidence this film presents overwhelmed me. How they managed to cram it all into two hour and still tell a tremendously true story boggles my brain. So many things that didn't fit were put together some some gloriously fucked up jigsaw puzzle where every piece was a new design. My eyes have been opened dear readers, and I have become the Eggman.</div>
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<u><b>Things I Learned From Paul McCartney is Really Dead</b></u></div>
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- Learn about that terrible night when an argument between Paul and John Lennon turned into the horrific car crash that decapitated a superstar and could have created massive suicides.</div>
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- Those harmless "lookalike" contests could have much more sinister intentions than you'd like. I bet there's an ever rotating group of David Cassidy lookalikes ready to go at a moments notice. The Cassidy Army awaits!</div>
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- How Rita, the only other person who knew what happened that night, is changed via plastic surgery. When she later tries to blackmail the boys, the MI5 try to kill her, but only succeed in getting her leg amputated. They wouldn't hear the last of Rita, now going by the name Heather Mills!</div>
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- The sheer talent of John Lennon as he proceeds to turn every single Beatles song into a memorial for his lost friend and bandmate.</div>
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- Finding just the right phrases so that when played backwards (they'd give a clue Paul was dead) is not an easy task. I tried it and all I got playing backwards is "Dan Rather is Connie Chung". </div>
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- I'm kind of surprised every album wasn't entitled "HEY EVERYONE, PAUL IS DEAD! HE'S FOOKING DEAD EVERYBODY!" Guess it'd be hard to put pictures showing he's dead on the cover.</div>
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- You have to give William Campbell some credit. Not only did he gleefully erase his identity to become Faul by having tons of plastic surgery, but he also didn't seem to mind that his bandmates were constantly calling him a fake and making him do shit on album covers to help corroborate that idea. But Lennon was murdered after telling Faul a few weeks earlier that he planned to tell the world what happened. That sneaky bastard!</div>
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You can watch this film on SnagFilms for free! Here's the trailer:</div>
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Oh, by the way, this is a mockumentary, and Paul is very much alive. Ringo however is a Bigfoot.Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-65540600070756995262015-02-22T15:59:00.001-08:002015-02-22T16:00:40.504-08:00Custom Fridge Art for Sale!<div style="text-align: center;">
Hi friends. As some of you know, I like to dabble in what I like to call "fridge art". This is art made specifically for someone to hang on their refrigerator. I've designed a few pieces which seemed to be popular and had questions like "How can I get one of those?" and "Why are you eating dinner at our house!?"</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTce3IgqgIvNCNVkvYSKI3Cu0Patc-ur4ff-pEhk2IWsOjN906SakOuSCnI12sQ466nY2MuJZr2fLl2SgjUD2MWHPWGh6J5ng3iAceBBIEaJvxPrxudwsoCMQbVI61tO-cjvT1yDi2sHM/s1600/13thjpg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTce3IgqgIvNCNVkvYSKI3Cu0Patc-ur4ff-pEhk2IWsOjN906SakOuSCnI12sQ466nY2MuJZr2fLl2SgjUD2MWHPWGh6J5ng3iAceBBIEaJvxPrxudwsoCMQbVI61tO-cjvT1yDi2sHM/s1600/13thjpg.jpg" height="260" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Are You Ready for the 13th?"</td></tr>
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Well now you can own one of these beauties!</div>
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For the low low price of FIVE dollars...yes, FIVE DOLLARS, you can own one of these beautifully made pieces to hang on YOUR refrigerator door.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeRMpMk7bYgE-MZuIAGO8bpvLi8cX0x7qZz-nQRnJbCjwQmxSBgxEOoPtrbPH6lPOi8iLl160Tfnwo37Yd_yAM0Q0sqyvcZOIvUMCdawxr3_WmEZS0b6H54uASx1jOcZtBAoz9-3fLNXs/s1600/bluevelvet.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeRMpMk7bYgE-MZuIAGO8bpvLi8cX0x7qZz-nQRnJbCjwQmxSBgxEOoPtrbPH6lPOi8iLl160Tfnwo37Yd_yAM0Q0sqyvcZOIvUMCdawxr3_WmEZS0b6H54uASx1jOcZtBAoz9-3fLNXs/s1600/bluevelvet.jpg" height="262" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Blue Velvet"</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Crunchberry Blues"</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEpwbh8mQxCzWWWxWOf4znPYfuZ92f2_chEoRXoyHxreD1yu8rxb7fJMIKmoMPVMsHTs4f90792EzFvNBXvA37O1JoCZbKt0KE6h-8HTZWq02lcY0A_CMnwyrDLuDYGMvaV2k11tyPiw0/s1600/fozzieshining.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEpwbh8mQxCzWWWxWOf4znPYfuZ92f2_chEoRXoyHxreD1yu8rxb7fJMIKmoMPVMsHTs4f90792EzFvNBXvA37O1JoCZbKt0KE6h-8HTZWq02lcY0A_CMnwyrDLuDYGMvaV2k11tyPiw0/s1600/fozzieshining.jpg" height="238" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Not So Great Muppet Caper"</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheBlJvFmZjvR7vUL5v3k228wROfmqRjYTfEADDVEJ_QpGjThn05MuALVw08RTNKyGAUo31xXzgrsY1C9TDE1nU8WhO5w7UIkIrFUMgznaXbLaQ3o17aSHmeHjWSDYDbCxC3UzMIYM-wak/s1600/ghouls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheBlJvFmZjvR7vUL5v3k228wROfmqRjYTfEADDVEJ_QpGjThn05MuALVw08RTNKyGAUo31xXzgrsY1C9TDE1nU8WhO5w7UIkIrFUMgznaXbLaQ3o17aSHmeHjWSDYDbCxC3UzMIYM-wak/s1600/ghouls.jpg" height="298" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Playing With the Ghouls"</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8jde4PjmZwmSikIwtnxDT0NqPKkXNuY2UHsnxOcqP46ON16n8t1HlPbOOtYFO8x1wrIjOWK5f9q-APAagPNVFpJAGUQkG1DXJtNzNyeCRuqQA7KiUjVsrgy6Jx4q43C_ynMRu19irlsI/s1600/ronald.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8jde4PjmZwmSikIwtnxDT0NqPKkXNuY2UHsnxOcqP46ON16n8t1HlPbOOtYFO8x1wrIjOWK5f9q-APAagPNVFpJAGUQkG1DXJtNzNyeCRuqQA7KiUjVsrgy6Jx4q43C_ynMRu19irlsI/s1600/ronald.jpg" height="262" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Parting of the Orange Drink"</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJYgIoWbKkzLDYWzuwZJk19HFK8QSCWrgDZIoLZd1IWxl8ycB94V9NJWHxh4QW7AZ_NeSe1rm4Isnt1CBJYFUDicFjzywMTz7OXcGkGZPfFTltFU7HFLbKBoO-mtJMJK228p1myDrFAiI/s1600/sloth.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJYgIoWbKkzLDYWzuwZJk19HFK8QSCWrgDZIoLZd1IWxl8ycB94V9NJWHxh4QW7AZ_NeSe1rm4Isnt1CBJYFUDicFjzywMTz7OXcGkGZPfFTltFU7HFLbKBoO-mtJMJK228p1myDrFAiI/s1600/sloth.jpg" height="357" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Leaked Sloth Nude"</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVzHk5v0JaQB2QNH4vsGYtjlnGMXvruEEfrv4CoebRi_RX_pDIFwB4CDbA1BKCQU5GAKk-Gqi6JDGk-c6r99GAMpEwKF-8Q0_-TMcv_gCQZ-OQqmEDfpTT0OMM82rkOZFmNCxIe_McMAQ/s1600/zombieye.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVzHk5v0JaQB2QNH4vsGYtjlnGMXvruEEfrv4CoebRi_RX_pDIFwB4CDbA1BKCQU5GAKk-Gqi6JDGk-c6r99GAMpEwKF-8Q0_-TMcv_gCQZ-OQqmEDfpTT0OMM82rkOZFmNCxIe_McMAQ/s1600/zombieye.jpg" height="196" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Keep an Eye Out For Ya"</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4JFVITiZtg1Dm8eN4NKt88nOFhQf9Xsjhh-C9QkMXLGNwW8Secj8mL3Bsi0pZglKsusT1ciTObZ5SABM78arswC79GMcxJpPvepP-LWW8QBPf2PPs3YEecC_5yl1wZrjieVpxexkIWN0/s1600/urkel.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4JFVITiZtg1Dm8eN4NKt88nOFhQf9Xsjhh-C9QkMXLGNwW8Secj8mL3Bsi0pZglKsusT1ciTObZ5SABM78arswC79GMcxJpPvepP-LWW8QBPf2PPs3YEecC_5yl1wZrjieVpxexkIWN0/s1600/urkel.jpg" height="272" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Did I Do That?"</td></tr>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQKHtD6OtsE9MW3PMr5EZB9VUV3gKuEpYbmdSkBXBtVWG-UpzxB1_xehiL0vEtc7_HecwK-16lVKxgK4o6O5d8e8g5a7IsPOIssdjglewu3eLihcH5LpRxIvyibtToxOT4wHfbjLegWCM/s1600/TARBIRTHDAY.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgQKHtD6OtsE9MW3PMr5EZB9VUV3gKuEpYbmdSkBXBtVWG-UpzxB1_xehiL0vEtc7_HecwK-16lVKxgK4o6O5d8e8g5a7IsPOIssdjglewu3eLihcH5LpRxIvyibtToxOT4wHfbjLegWCM/s1600/TARBIRTHDAY.jpg" height="340" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Tarman's First Birthday"</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Now if these don't interest you, don't worry. For the low low LOW price of TEN DOLLARS, I will create a custom one of a kind piece just for YOU. Do you think Picasso charged that much? Hell no!</div>
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If you are interested in purchasing one of my pieces, please email me at fridgeart4you@gmail.com. Paypal accepted. And if you buy a piece, by all means take a picture of your fridge and send it!</div>
Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-65542765514306416022015-02-17T12:03:00.001-08:002015-02-17T12:03:07.866-08:00White Cop (2014)<div style="text-align: center;">
White Cop (2014)</div>
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Director: Jake Myers</div>
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Stars: Ben Kobold, David Liebe Hart, Liz Harvey</div>
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From time to time, I have people wanting me to review their movie. I've always been a bit hesitant because while I do love getting screeners (yay free!) there's this little part of me that needs to hold back if I hate it. Yes, the guy who took a dump on Nick Millard over and over again is someone who doesn't want to be a total dick to people only wanting reviews of their film.</div>
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So why did I decide to review this particular film? I saw the trailer and it actually appealed to me. Also I'm a fan of public access stuff and David Liebe Hart is a veteran of public access due to his Junior Christian Science Bible Lesson Show.</div>
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This spoof of action films stars Ben Kobold as Kip White, a cop trying to take down the European Drug Cartel after they kill his partner and best friend. When he loses his badge he joins up with a new vigilante group to fight the cartel and end the rampant drug use of Stamp, which you can't mail but will send you to a far away place. Y'know, cause yer all fucked up.</div>
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<u><b>Things I Took/Learned From White Cop</b></u></div>
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- The main character kind of alternated between hilariously inept and overwhelmingly annoying. Maybe it's because of the script (which wasn't bad at all, just a bit uneven), but Kobold does a good job overall.</div>
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- The flashback to Kip and his partner frolicking together is quite homoerotic and pretty damn funny. Who hasn't put two straws in their drink to share with his best friend...anyone? Please?</div>
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- I like that among all the insanity, there was a character (Dr. Wilder) who saw that Kip is a complete basket case. Of course it doesn't change one thing, but it's nice to see.</div>
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- I don't know about you, but I get leery whenever a tv reporter comes up to me in a bar and starts giving me pep talks. I've been on the news one too many times without my pants on.</div>
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- If you love 80's style synch music (sometimes called New Retrowave) then this film has you hooked up via the band <a href="https://soundcloud.com/lazerhawk" target="_blank">Lazerhawk</a>. I love that kind of music, so it's a big plus. I play it when I drive to the store. I like to pretend I'm Tubbs.</div>
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Overall, I really liked this movie. There were some plot points that got left unanswered, but for once I don't wish to spoil the movie. The look of the movie was very professional and there were traces of those by gone 80's action cop movies scattered among the comedy. The comedy hits far more than misses due to a good cast. I'm just happy to find a recent movie I didn't hate with a passion. That's the biggest thumbs up you can get from my cynical ass.<br />
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Plus David Liebe Hart is the mayor. I'd vote for him.<br />
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Here's the trailer for those of you who don't just take my word. Shame on you. I'm not hurt...I mean I am a little.<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/BEYx_bWvwI8" width="560"></iframe></div>
Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-43916687129541570202015-02-04T15:20:00.000-08:002015-02-04T15:20:25.930-08:00Cathy's Curse (1977)<div style="text-align: center;">
Cathy's Curse (1977)</div>
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Director: Eddy Matalon</div>
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Stars: Alan Scarfe, Beverly Murray, Randi Allen</div>
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Having the reputation of a bad film "expert" (and I use that term as loosely as possible), there are films I hear a ton about. Films like Abby or The Visitor. Cathy's Curse was another one I've heard a ton about...none of it good. But I feel like I need to watch these films, so that you may be spared the pain. Some call me a saint, but most call me a moron.</div>
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The beginning shows a little girl and her father driving along when the girl makes daddy swerve out of the way of a fucking rabbit and guess what? Car catches on fire and they die. Did Thumper help them out while they roasted alive? I don't think so.</div>
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Cut to however many years later, and a family moves into this groovy old house. The family consists of a dad whose hair looks like a wig put on sideways, a mother who hysterically cries out half her lines, and Cathy, the poor kid who ends up cursed. You can tell she's cursed because she doesn't say much, and the dog hates her. There's also an alcoholic caretaker named Paul and the world's laziest housekeeper.</div>
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Cathy finds an ugly ass doll, and if you've seen any number of these films, you know that any dolls left in a house should be immediately burned or sent to someone you hate. Before long, Cathy's making shit break, talking weird, and terrorizing ugly old psychics. Oh, and mom is a total nutcase.</div>
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As far as possession films go, it's pretty standard. What makes this stand out amongst all the other Exorcist type ripoffs is that it makes no sense plot wise. Mom's going nuts, Dad's a clueless fucking putz who is oblivious to it all, and it's never explained why the fuck Cathy is possessed and what the evil spirit's mission was. If it's to make shit appear and hang out with drunk old caretakers, well live the dream you crazy bitch.</div>
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<u><b>Things I Took/Learned From Cathy's Curse </b></u></div>
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- The print I saw was incredibly bad and made everyone look like the color of that sawdust they put on the floor to cover up puke. Come to find out, that's the best print anyone has. Might be for the best.</div>
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- Love it when Cathy breaks a bowl and the housekeeper picks up like two or three pieces before saying "there's, that's better". No, let's ignore the thirty or forty large chunks of sharp bowl laying on the ground. That's why you got terminated. By terminated I mean she got thrown out a window. </div>
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- The mom in this film does everything in her power to make the focus on her. From the first scene where she shrilly tells her husband that she's had a nervous breakdown (I'm sure it came as a shock to him) on, she's shown to be batshit insane. Yeah, you may be right about your kid being in danger, but flailing your arms around and having to be institutionalized probably doesn't help your case.</div>
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- If your kid starts randomly disappearing and reappearing all over the place, continue to scold them as if nothing is happening. Show them that just because Satan is helping them, YOU are the one in charge.</div>
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- You haven't lived until you see a drunken old man and a bratty possessed kid mock a psychic for no good reason. It's how I get rid of those pesky Publishers Clearing House people. I can't cash that giant check, so stop it!</div>
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- Satanic devil magic tricks #52: If you walk into the cold lake, when you're pulled out you'll be dry as a bone! Ta-daaaaaaa!</div>
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- You know someone is evil when their face turns into a pizza. That's the devil's favorite food. He hates anchovies though.</div>
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- This movie's on numerous public domain sets (and also on youtube), but this is one of those movies you need to get a group together to riff on. This scene alone is worth the price of admission and a six pack of cheap beer.</div>
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"Extra rare piece of shit" is a terrific insult to call a medium.</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/YBQTKzkmCVc" width="420"></iframe></div>
Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-22666882445871365352015-01-27T11:57:00.000-08:002015-01-27T11:57:29.828-08:00Avalon (1989)<div style="text-align: center;">
Avalon (1989)</div>
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Director: Michael J. Murphy</div>
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Stars: Rob Bartlett, Abigail Blackmore, Patrick Oliver</div>
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It's been a while since I've done a review, so I went into my vast collection of films to pick something suitable. My eye was caught by Avalon, a low budget sword and sorcery flick that has a lot of ties to the King Arthur legend...sort of. </div>
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While I was watching, I kept noticing how familiar Merlin looked, until it dawned on me that this was the same guy who played the killer in one of my most popular reviews, Bloodstream. So I looked up the director of that film, and lo and behold, it's the same guy!</div>
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The movie's heroes are Owen, a slightly pudgy Conan type, Clotilde, which isn't some sort of disease but a maiden, and Keiran, the world's worst thief. They all seek the mysterious island of Avalon for different reasons and are helped along by Merlin.Yes, that Merlin. Sometimes as an old man, most of the time as a young warrior. Avalon is ruled by Morgana, not of the kissing bandit variety, and her band of average looking women (and a couple of goofy eunuchs). </div>
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Can our heroes defeat Morgana? Will Clotilde find her missing love? And what the hell is Old Gregg doing on the island? He's got a mangina.</div>
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Knowing it's a Michael J. Murphy film, I immediately know that the budget is around forty pounds (or thirty in wildly inaccurate US dollars). However, there's a real charm in this movie. The sets are pretty imaginative, and despite all the flaws this is a pretty fun eighty minute time waster. </div>
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The whole film is up on YouTube for those who wish to venture forth to Avalon.</div>
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<u><b>Things I Took From Avalon</b></u></div>
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-Never carry golden apples around. You'll almost die in a small puddle of water and then watch your buddies juggle those now normal apples right in front of you. I can stand almost dying in 3 feet of water, but juggling? No way!</div>
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- They really missed out not having the Old Gregg looking monster drink Bailey's from a shoe.</div>
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- Druids are a bunch of assholes led by a guy doing a bad Jesus cosplay wearing a Christmas wreath on his head. I bet Stonehenge was just a building they were too stupid to finish. </div>
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- This movie has some of the funniest fight scenes ever seen in a sword and sorcery flick. Everyone is trying so hard to neither hurt each other nor break their fake weapons that it comes off like Renaissance Fair outtakes. </div>
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-Merlin becomes a wizard whore by sleeping with the Lady in the Lake in exchange for Excalibur. </div>
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- Gotta admit I liked the reverse motion on the chains moving around. Very smooth.</div>
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-Gotta also admit, that Michael J. Murphy is equally as bad at doing stop motion animations. The herky jerky dragon being solid proof of that.</div>
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-We get some boobs in this, and that's cool, but please space out your love scenes a bit more. having three, almost four, one right after another just made me a little ill.</div>
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-Bit disturbed to see Merlin peeking through a wall at Owen having sex with Morgana (whom Merlin used to love). His grunting and only seeing him from behind makes me think he's pulling his own little sword. I'm surprised he didn't put his penis through the hole like in Porky's.</div>
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- As disturbing as that was, it pales when Merlin realizes he hadn't slept with Morgana but one of her laughing lady friends. His response to that? He sexually assaults her. Rape ain't magic Merl...it's simply wrong.</div>
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- As disjointed as the plot got, I really enjoyed this film. I'm now on a quest to seek out Michael J. Murphy's other films. I hope there's no wizard rape in them.</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_3QWcFVUZIbnyCPNdpsd_Y3Iem7rs5q848fumGfqagZJPzM93N8q_iwhma_9NUoeAPWCNOYUhOrA3LYKA8_eL_3-0k5m4LDYJK15Vi1_CSfHUjUNaW116fnUWNpR0Zk-42IhzyxUHukM/s1600/vlcsnap-2015-01-27-14h34m10s70.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_3QWcFVUZIbnyCPNdpsd_Y3Iem7rs5q848fumGfqagZJPzM93N8q_iwhma_9NUoeAPWCNOYUhOrA3LYKA8_eL_3-0k5m4LDYJK15Vi1_CSfHUjUNaW116fnUWNpR0Zk-42IhzyxUHukM/s1600/vlcsnap-2015-01-27-14h34m10s70.png" height="226" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">YOU'LL GO BLIND, MERLIN!</td></tr>
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Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-70231228810703555112015-01-04T19:18:00.002-08:002015-01-04T19:24:40.537-08:00Lord of Tears (2013)<div style="text-align: center;">
Lord of Tears (2013)</div>
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Director: Lawrie Brewster</div>
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Stars: David Schofield, Alexandra Hulme, Guy in a big ass Owl mask</div>
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I had been hearing about this one for a while, with all the sites creaming their pants over how great this was. So I decided to give it a shot, despite my understandable reservations about watching newer movies.</div>
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Far as I can tell through the 8 million quick edits and the ambient noise turned on and left on, a guy inherits a house from his dead mum, but in her letter she says NOT to go back to the house. Despite having gone crazy there as a kid and trying to drown himself, our hero goes to the house like the fucking idiot he is.</div>
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He runs into Eve, an American gal who's just hanging around the house. Before long they get romantic and things seem great...until the Owlman shows back up. Seems the Owlman is the one responsible for our hero's trauma as a child (or is he?) and it seems he's picking up right where he left off in the guy's adult life as well.</div>
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Will our hero find out what to do about the Owlman? Will Eve be able to help? Will a person with the IQ of ragweed not be able to figure out the "twist"? I think you all know the answer. There were plenty of tears, but they all came from my fucking eye sockets.</div>
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<u><b>Things I Took/Learned from Lord of Tears</b></u></div>
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- The cinematography here is quite good. Gavin Robertson did an excellent job with the material he had to work with.</div>
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-I admit, the Owlman outfit is pretty damn good, and there were a couple of moments when I got honestly freaked out.</div>
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-This now ends the positive portion of this review.</div>
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- Nothing ruins a movie like a bad script, and this is the very definition of a bad script. It's riddled with cliches and tropes and tries to pass itself off as original.</div>
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-Hey filmmaker. the whole point of ambient sound is to create tension, when you have it playing THROUGHOUT THE FUCKING MOVIE then it's just annoying fucking noise that makes it hard to hear the actors...not like they are saying anything worth listening to. </div>
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-Nobody wants to see someone dance for 10 minutes. It's not erotic, it's not haunting, it's not scary, it's fucking BORING. As shit.</div>
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- Why is this guy having dreams about his Jesus-looking friend chopping his dad up and covered in blood? I don't have dreams about the fat guy who walks down my road every single day fucking a dog in the middle of the road while jello smears his chest...and I've tried.</div>
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- We know you want this Owlman to be Slenderman, but he looks like he's going to a Robert Palmer video while finding out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop.</div>
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-When Eve is revealed to be a ghost (big shock) she ends up terrorizing our hero not by trying to kill him, but by jumping on his bed and playing with his fucking curtains. So she's basically going to annoy him to death. </div>
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-I'm aware of how harsh I'm being to this film, but I hate this blatant PR bullshit I see from major sites who just basically cut and paste the filmmaker's written press release and then proclaim it "the future of horror." I may be an asshole for trashing this, but I'm an honest one at least. I'm not creating fake accounts to give glowing reviews on IMDB like these people seem to be doing. I just want to be entertained. Girls Gone Dead and Potpourri are recent films that did that. This and The Cloth are ones that make me wish these people would be forced to film an apology for the poor fucks like me who expect a decent film and got this beautifully filmed piece of shit.</div>
Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-43941775752801475402014-12-15T09:41:00.000-08:002014-12-15T21:14:55.886-08:00Tabloid (1985)<div style="text-align: center;">
Tabloid (1985)</div>
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Director: Bret McCormick, Matt Devlen</div>
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Stars: Lisa Loeb, Glen Coburn, Scott Davis</div>
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One problem of having so many movies is that I'm not always sure WHAT the movie is about. This shows that I am in fact a hoarder, but instead of stacks and stacks of knick-knacks featuring Elvis in bejeweled jumpsuits on them, I hoard obscure movies. So going through some of these "films" I noticed one that caught my eye, so I decided to watch and review it.</div>
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This was a mistake.</div>
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Seeing Bret McCormick's name, I should have been tipped off that this was going to suck. McCormick wrote and directed some of the worst AIP (Action International Pictures) movies put to videotape. But seeing this was his first film, I thought "Hey, maybe he shot his wad early and went downhill". I don't think he had a wad to shoot.</div>
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Tabloid is a comedy anthology that spoofs things like the Weekly World News. They have three stories all telling a backstory to some tabloid headline, which I admit is a good premise. Too bad every story sucks (doubly so in the last one). The movie starts with aliens kidnapping an aerobics instructor holding classes in Buffalo Bill's basement. I was wondering where this was going to go, but much like everything else in this film, it goes nowhere. It's never even mentioned again What a waste of time.</div>
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We then go to the offices of the World Investigator, a sleazy tabloid where it looks like a secretary is training the new reporter. We get to meet the cranky owner and find out her backstory. They were really pushing the hell out of these characters. So of course after the admittedly original credits (complete with theme song) and a few shorts scenes, we set up the first story and never EVER see these people again. Quit playing games with my heart you asshole!</div>
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Much like I did with Tales From the Quadead Zone, I'll go over each story individually.</div>
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<u><b>Baby Born With Full Beard AKA Hey, Let's Kill That Drug Dealer!</b></u></div>
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This story has a guy selling weed to some moron. The weed is no good, so moron and his cousin Rambo (yes, Rambo) and some nameless bastard decide to kill him. Too bad they never met his pregnant gun toting wife or her hideous Family Feud lovin' momma.</div>
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- Never buy pot from a guy whose idea of a good time is sitting on his car drinking beer. It may seem like fun, but before you know it, yer 40.</div>
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- If you need to smoke an entire bag of pot before realizing that you got ripped off, maybe you don't need to smoke it. You need those remaining brain cells to do things like walk and scratch your ass.</div>
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- Come for the stereotypes, stay for the awful southern accents.</div>
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-The one funny moment in this happens when the nameless bastard suggests they rape the shit out of the mother. The other two guys are like "She's all yours, bubba." Yep, A rape joke is the funniest thing in this story. Think about that. </div>
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- After a pregnant lady shoots your cousin Rambo from a speeding car, maybe it's time to just call it a day and cut your losses. By losses I mean the pot, not Rambo. He's a schmuck.</div>
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After the drug dealin shotgun shooting family kills the people who were fucking wronged in a bad drug deal, the woman gives birth...to the bearded kid. Yep. All that useless fucking backstory for a 5 second shot of a bearded baby. </div>
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<u><b>BBQ Of the Dead AKA WHAT THE EVER LOVIN FUCK?!</b></u></div>
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A dead guy comes back and invites his dead neighbors over for a barbeque. He gets upset that they were just sitting there in their coffins rotting and leaves. The sun comes up and they die again. That's it. </div>
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- The zombie/dead makeup was pretty effective. The blackened eyes kinda gave me the creeps.</div>
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I don't really have anything else to add. This story didn't give us ANY backstory to this. Hey, how about not giving us the tabloid owner's entire goddamn history and put those few minutes to use explaining what the fuck is going on in this shitcicle of a story! </div>
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There's one more!? FUCK.</div>
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<u><b>Killer Vacuum Destroys Town AKA Don't Piss Off Your Stepdaughter </b></u></div>
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A weatherman is correctly predicting tornadoes. Is he Criswell? No, he doesn't have his style, but he does have a daughter who is giving him the tornado information. How does she know? And why are we watching her get abused by some harpy with a mole? We actually do find out for once. Doesn't mean it's any good though.</div>
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- Very weird to see Lisa Loeb in this. She's the daughter who ends up (spoiler..oh who gives a shit) creating tornadoes using vacuums. How this is happening is of course never explained.</div>
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- Is there really a need on the networks for a goofy natural disaster predicting weatherman in a stupid bow tie?</div>
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-Why the hell do we need to watch two tv stations techs interact with each other for at least 5 minutes?! They add nothing to the story or plot. I don't care that the guy is never gonna score with the woman. Even if he has a whoopee cushion. We all know that's a panty dropper.</div>
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- Please have the guy with the awful speech impediment say "The tornados in your housth" 17 more times. It never gets old...or funny.</div>
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- Why did they need to stretch the stepmother's death out by 10 minutes? Couldn't you have used those ten minutes for something useful like refunding everyone's rental fee who got suckered into watching this!?</div>
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Maybe I'm being too picky, but I like my comedies to be, you know, funny. Not even a late scene where President Reagan buys one of the tabloids is enough to move my chuckle meter (bought it at Radio Shack). The cinematography was fine, but the writing and the dialogue came off like two middle schoolers giggling at their own jokes. Jokes no rational human being would find humorous. No wonder nobody tried to review this film. I'm the only one stupid enough to watch it!</div>
Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-53756043578933704092014-12-09T09:15:00.003-08:002014-12-09T09:15:13.338-08:00Abby (1974)<div style="text-align: center;">
Abby (1974)</div>
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Director: William Girdler</div>
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Stars: William Marshall, Carol Speed, Austin Stoker</div>
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From the man who brought the world such classics as Three On A Meathook and Grizzly comes this Exorcist ripoff made Blaxploitation style. A marriage counselor married to a pastor gets possessed by the horniest demon around. It's up to the pastor's dad (who coincidentally released said horny demon) to get midevil on this demon's hind end. </div>
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Out of all the Exorcist ripoffs, this was the only one that got successfully sued by Warner Brothers and got shelved after only a short time in theaters (where it grossed 4 million). It's not a bad ripoff per say, much better than some of the Italian ripoffs, and you can tell Speed really enjoys hamming it up as the possessed Abby. Eh, it entertained me, but I'm entertained by test patterns and informercials starring washed up celebrities.</div>
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<u><b>Things I Took From Abby</b></u></div>
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- Never open a box that has an evil deity carved into it, especially if you have to twist the deity's hard on to open it. </div>
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- You're not fully aroused in the shower unless you're zestfully aroused...oh and there's a demon in there with you.</div>
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- I wonder how the demon got there so fast. maybe he caught a commercial flight. had to sit in front of an annoying woman and her bratty kid kicking the seat. Probably didn't even get a free bag of those tiny peanuts. No wonder he's pissed.</div>
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- I feel Abby's pain. When I'm cutting up raw chicken, I get so turned on I have to cut myself too. Now if it was turkey, she'd just be a weirdo.</div>
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- Dress yourself in nothing but a tiny towel, expect to be kicked in the balls. The more you know.</div>
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- If you're doing marriage counseling, ripping open your shirt and wanting to "fuck the shit out of" someone is not really a good way to get one's point across. Show them a diagram first. Maybe a slideshow.</div>
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- Love that the nightclub looks like someone's living room. Adding ugly ass wallpaper and a tiny disco ball can't hide that fact.</div>
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- The demon in exorcist was scary, this one just looks like Abby dressed up like the incredible hulk. You wouldn't like her when she's horny.</div>
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- The best part was the Bishop performing the exorcism on Abby. Whereas in the Exorcist, they were confident but scared, in Abby, the Bishop is one cool cat. He's openly mocking this demon like "Hey, if you're this big bad demon, you wouldn't be laying your jive ass on the ground while my groovy self is running the show". I mean, he didn't say it like that, but I knew what he meant. </div>
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- William Marshall was really someone I felt could have been used a lot more in movies. Hell, you got a guy there who could act, and also always came off with class. He could have been like a Christopher Lee of American horror in my opinion. Oh well, at least he was the King of Cartoons.</div>
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Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-58669891610615897812014-12-05T09:55:00.000-08:002014-12-05T09:55:23.204-08:00Fairy Tales (1978)<div style="text-align: center;">
Fairy Tales (1978)</div>
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Director: Harry Hurwitz</div>
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Stars: Don Sparks, Sy Richardson, Linnea Quigley</div>
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As with most sex comedies, this one is pretty straight forward. A prince on his 21st birthday must find a woman that can get him "excited". So he sets off to Fairy Land where he meets a bunch of famous children's book characters doing things I ain't never read about. Maybe in Playboy, but I just look at that for the ads.</div>
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For a young man growing up and starting to really notice girls, waking up after my parents went to bed, sneaking my way to the living room, and seeing this on late night cable was like hitting the boner jackpot. I hadn't seen this movie in at least 25 years, but it brought back some fond (and slightly embarrassing) memories.</div>
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Although there is lots and lots of full frontal nudity in this, the way this is all presented makes it come off less sleazy than just goofy. Outside of a few lame risque jokes, and of course fully naked women, there's nothing really offensive here. Fun and harmless.</div>
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<u><b>Things I Took from Fairy Tales</b></u></div>
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- This movie reminds me that Professor Irwin Corey is still alive at 100! I wonder if he watches this on a loop.</div>
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- Naked Angela Aames as Little Bo Peep? DEAR GOD YES PLEASE!!</div>
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- Odd thing to notice while tits are on screen every 15 seconds, but Don Sparks, who plays our hero the Prince, does a really good job in the role. Has a real everyman quality to him. He's done a ton of TV work since then.</div>
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- I think if you had a sex comedy at any time during the 70's (and early 80's) there has to be one character that's a complete flaming homosexual stereotype. In this case, it's Jack to the always horny Jill. I got something you can fetch. That was for Jill...not Jack. I swear. Shut up.</div>
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- I had completely forgotten that this movie had musical numbers in it. Some not that great, but the Snow White song about her sex starved seven dwarves is a highlight.</div>
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- Never thought I would see a trio of naked masked ladies singing a song about S&M in the vein of the Andrews Sisters. One of those naked beauties is Evelyn Guerrero, who is best known as Donna in the Cheech and Chong movies.</div>
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- If you watch the aforementioned S&M number, watch for the chained up guy really having a good time. You'll know who I'm talking about.<br />
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-The little guy helping the weird cop looks like a tiny Iron Sheik. </div>
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- Ol' King Cole was a bug eyed overacting soul. A bug eyed overacting soul indeed.</div>
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I wonder when Gussie Gander has to replace the carpeting in her shoe of ill repute, if she goes shag or Dr. Scholls. Maybe she's gellin'.<br />
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-I'm surprised to see how fresh faced Linnea Quigley is in this film (she still looks great today). I then noticed she was nude. Suddenly things got awkward. I shouldn't have watched this on the library's computer. </div>
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At the end of this movie, they promised us three prizes. I don't care about the love potion or the cod piece (I already have a custom one), but the sheep...I have a friend who's in need of one. For the wool I mean. Really. Stop looking at me like that. Don't you walk away from me!! STOP SHAKING YOUR HEAD!</div>
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If you want to see the whole thing, it IS on YouTube. But it's very NSFW. But here is a compilation of the doorman to Mother Hubbard's cat house. One of the unsung heroes of this film if you ask me.</div>
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Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-41526193560809719132014-12-02T14:39:00.000-08:002014-12-02T14:40:25.279-08:00The Bad Movie Couple are Here!<div style="text-align: center;">
I'm excited to announce that after doing a few podcasts with my lovely and talented better half Erin, we had so much fun that we decided to create a site reviewing bad movies together! At The Bad Movie Couple, we basically review bad films in a conversational sort of way. So jump on over to the link below to read our first two reviews, on Evil Altar and Count Yorga, Vampire!</div>
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<a href="https://badmoviecouple.wordpress.com/" target="_blank">The Bad Movie Couple!</a><br />
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Follow us on Twitter! <a href="https://twitter.com/BadMovieCouple" target="_blank">https://twitter.com/BadMovieCouple</a> </div>
Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-34646268495659209722014-11-29T13:27:00.001-08:002014-11-29T13:27:21.542-08:00Tales From The Quadead Zone (1987)<div style="text-align: center;">
Tales From the Quadead Zone (1987)</div>
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Director: Chester Turner</div>
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Stars: Shirley L. Jones, William Jones, Doug Daverport</div>
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The end of Awful Movie Month is upon us, and that means that I couldn't hold off watching this immortal bastard son of cinema any longer. </div>
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I had seen director Chester Turner's other movie, Black Devil Doll from Hell, and while it was a bit unnerving to watch, I had seen worse. I guess Turner is a time traveler and has already read this article, because he went back to 1987, grabbed his camcorder, made Shirley L. Jones stop soaping up her boobs, and made this monstrosity.</div>
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The movie starts with one of the worst opening songs in the entire history of cinema. The worst part is, it started to become catchy the more I heard it. Now it won't leave my head. Why do you hate me so much, head?</div>
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So Shirley L. Jones is washing the dishes (she's on credited as "Bobby's Mother") when a mug near a candle with a Madball stuck in it (I'm serious) starts to float. Mom chastises her invisible dead son and asks if he wants her to read him a story. He responds by blowing a fan in Jones' face and going "hushushushushushushush".</div>
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A little sidebar here, why does Jones look like she's having an orgasm on the set of a hair commercial whenever Bobby "speaks"? It's extremely disturbing to me. This happens at least ten times over the hour and two minutes running time.</div>
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So Bobby materializes a book out of thin air called Tales from the Quadead Zone. I'm not sure what the hell the quadead zone is, but I bet it's sandwiched between the Negative Zone and the Fuck is This Shit Zone. </div>
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So now I realize I'm not only watching an awful movie, it's turned into an awful ANTHOLOGY movie. Bad anthologies are always the worst, filled with stories full of padding and morons talking endlessly. I decided to review each of the "Three" stories (One story I consider half a story since it centers around our storyteller) and let you share in my pain.</div>
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<u><b>Food For ? or We're too Stupid to Cut Sandwiches in Half</b></u></div>
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This story concerns a family of eight who only ever has enough food for a few. The guy at the supermarket must be a real asshole to knowingly sell these people food that won't feed all of them. But then again, I have to side with him when you see these morons can't come up with the brilliant idea of cutting four fucking sandwiches in half.</div>
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Dad rings a stupid bell and proceeds to do one of the worst prayers I have ever seen. Love that the dad couldn't even say a prayer without sounding like he was reading a script. "Give us this day our...uh...*looks*...daily bread". Great job Pops, God ain't impressed.</div>
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Next day, and same shit happens. Only their giant hillbilly son has had enough of the bell and returns with a shotgun, killing three family members so everyone could eat. Mom didn't seem too upset, but it was hard to tell with her drawn in eyebrows.</div>
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Then they cut to stills of the remaining family members. Two of them are shot in the face and chest respectively, while Ma and Pa Kettle "lives high on the hog in witness protection program". Their words, not mine. Shotgun Sammy, we are told, dies in the state gas chair. I'm not sure what the hell a gas chair is, but it must stink to high heaven. He who dealt it, will always have to smelt it.</div>
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That's it. Ten minutes. This wasn't a story, this was a situation! Who would tell their child, albeit a dead one, about a guy shooting family members for food!? It used to be "Goodnight Moon", now it's "Goodnight, and Go Fuck Yourself Moon".</div>
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<u><b>Brothers or Fucking Clownshoes</b></u></div>
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Some guys break into a funeral home to see where their acting careers ended up. I keed I keed. They break in there to steal a body. Do they need a fourth for poker? No, seems it's the brother of one of the three guys, and he wants to enact some revenge on his dead sibling first. But first, lets have some champagne! I'll have the cup shaped like a titty. Damn, the brother got it first.</div>
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After his two friends leave, Ted starts berating Dead Fred for all the time he fucked over Ted with his father. Guess Dead Fred broke up Ted's marriage so he could have her. But after telling her he only wanted her to fuck with Ted, she blows her brains out. Ted was planning Dead Fred's murder, but Fred's heart beat him to the punch. </div>
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Ted takes his revenge by dressing Dead Fred up as a clown and burying him in the basement. Really weak plan B there, Ted. But I can't be too mad at Ted, because his infectious laugh fills the room for a good five minutes.</div>
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So some spirit (Fred? A Demon? Manute Bol?) enter Dead Fred, and now he becomes Undead Fred. He goes after Ted in the basement speaking in an unintelligible voice and kills him with a pitchfork. As my wife pointed out, there never seems to be a shortage of pitchforks in a suburban dwelling. Because farm equipment and soccer moms go well together.</div>
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This one seemed to have a story, but it was padded out to twenty minutes with talk talk talk and more fucking talk. I didn't need to know every grievance Ted had with Fred. I am curious about why "12345" is spraypainted on the wall of the basement. I'd like to think it's Ted's way of remembering his luggage combination. By the way, I love that Ted loves this one shitty painting on his wall so much, that he had to buy an exact duplicate and hang it right beside the original. </div>
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I wanna take this moment to talk about just how awful the audio is in this movie. The soundtrack is at a constant level (too damn loud) while mics are randomly put on different people at any time regardless if they are speaking or not. Even when they do speak, you can't understand half the words that are coming out of their mouths. I'm sure they aren't saying anything intelligent, but I'd like to know SOME of what was said.</div>
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<u><b>Unseen Vision or Don't Harass Me About Our Dead Kid, Asshole</b></u></div>
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So we've come back full circle as the last story involves Bobby and his mom. She's just about to read another story when either her husband or ex shows up. Either way, this is revealed to be Bobby's dad. Mom ain't happy to see Daryl, and Daryl ain't happy to see his former ol' lady has been reading shitty stories to some butt prints in a chair. He lets her know that he cares deeply for her, and although he misses his son as well, that she should start the grieving process and learn to let Bobby go.</div>
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I'm kidding. He wacks her across the head with the book and start beating her with it. They struggle until Mom grabs a knife and starts stabbing Daryl. Curse words are yelled, and Mom mentions something about a "last dance" which I assume isn't that Pearl Jam cover song from years back. Mom goes to see Bobby in the bedroom, but Daryl lives long enough to call the cops. </div>
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Two cops that even Barney Fife would have called fucking wimps show up and they arrest Mom. But before they go, Mom asks to use the bathroom. Like morons, they let her. She then proceeds to slit her own throat in what may be one of the better disturbing images I saw out of this film. No, the dead guy from story two who looked like a bunch of playdoh mashed up into one weird color I like to call 'blech" doesn't count.</div>
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So Mom's dead. 21 hours later...why 21 I don't know, she strolls back to the house as a yellowish ghost, and she reads Bobby another awful story...this time about what just happened 21 hours ago. "Hey kid, you wanna hear about how I crapped myself after slitting my own throat?!"</div>
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While close, this isn't the worst movie ever made. At only a little over an hour long, this felt longer than all three Lord of the Rings movies put together. Extended versions. But as bad as this movie was, as much as I tore it a new asshole, I have an odd admiration of Chester Turner. I might even watch a Tales From the Quadead Zone 2 if he makes it. Maybe. I'd need a lot of booze.</div>
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Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-11761352931407012382014-11-28T17:01:00.000-08:002014-11-28T17:32:03.035-08:00The Howling 2: Your Sister is a WerewolfI know good and well by now not to expect too much of a movie that stars Reb Brown, but holy hell! The Howling 2 goes beyond laughably bad into the realm of secondhand embarrassment. Even the title is ridiculous. Interestingly though, I have reason to suspect that the makers of this film had a sense of humor about it, and that it may even be a poor attempt at humor. It feels like they made the movie, realized it sucked, and then did some edits for the sake of being "funny." It's still embarrassing, but that's tempered by the idea that it may be self-aware.<br />
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The Howling 2 (I'm not typing out Your Sister is a Werewolf every time) begins with a nonsensical voiceover by Christopher Lee, and then we go to the funeral of the character from the first movie who was played by Dee Wallace Stone. You know, the lady who famously turned into a werewolf on the news in front of everyone in her viewing market before being shot dead. Only the corpse in the coffin, who later reanimates briefly because the silver bullets were removed during the autopsy, is played by a different actress other than Stone. And she is the sister to Reb Brown, playing a sheriff from Montana or someplace, and proving it by walking through every scene in a jeans jacket and jeans. I think they call that outfit a Canadian tuxedo!<br />
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After the funeral, Brown is approached by two weirdos, first an occult specialist played by Lee, and the second a reporter played by that weird voiced lady who was married to Spalding Grey in True Stories. (By the way, True Stories came out in 85, the same year as this furry monstrosity, and was a much better career choice for this lady and her voice.) Brown tells Lee to fuck off, Lee tells weird lady "His sister is a werewolf," then she tells Brown, "Your sister is a werewolf." Title in dialogue moment!<br />
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Then Lee goes to a club, where for some reason he is given ugly sunglasses to put on. The club is full of werewolves! One of them was at the funeral! She picks up some guys just so she can kill them! Then the reporter and Reb Brown go visit Chris Lee at home, where he shows them a big cardboard poster with pictures of the werewolf lady from the club. He also plays the videotape of Reb's sister turning into a werewolf on the news, only in this film's universe, the transformation and death weren't on TV and no one saw it happen. I don't know why they couldn't even get that detail right, if they were going to bother making this a sequel! I haven't watched The Howling in years, but I clearly remember reactions from some people in a bar who saw the news broadcast live on TV. Anyway, Lee tells Brown he's gonna have to kill his sister again. Brown tells him to fuck off again.<br />
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Until....he sees his sister turn into a werewolf later that night in the cemetery, where he has gone to kill Lee! Now he's ready to follow Lee to the ends of the earth, or at least to the former Czechoslovakia masquerading as Transylvania. Werewolves in Transylvania? Apparently. Not only werewolves await us in Transylvania, but also a puppet show, midgets, weird wipes between scenes, that guy who played Mickey the Convict in Pee Wee's Big Adventure, and Sybil Danning tearing off her clothes. She is the head werewolf, but we all know her real supernatural power is tearing off her clothes. Somehow the same people from the club in Los Angeles are all at her house, and then they run outside and Christopher Lee kills most of them with a pistol. Finally, Lee confronts Danning, and I think the implication is that she is HIS sister, but I'm not sure. All I know is that this movie should be ashamed of itself, and it could stand a good hard riffing. Also, the band in the club scenes sings a song with lyrics that include the word "Howling," so at least the movie gets some points for having a bad theme song that is about itself.<br />
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But what about that "funny" part I mentioned? Well, it's the credits sequence. It shows the moment when Sybil Danning takes her top off, over and over again, while other people in the film are intercut as if they were reacting to her bare boobs. I mean, that's got to be a joke, right? This can't be intended to be a scary film with an ending like that tacked on? You've got your good werewolf films, like The Wolf Man and An American Werewolf in London, and even to some extent The Howling, where you actually feel sorry for the main character who is doomed to turn into a werewolf and be killed. The werewolf idiom is supposed to be a tragic story of lost potential, of wasted youth, of a likable and hopeful person who lives in torment and then dies. And then you have this flaming bag of dogshit, strutting around in head to toe denim, laughing at us for having watched it, and sniffing its own ass. Here, watch the credits and see what you think. For a bad movie, it almost elevates itself to so-bad-its-good at the end. If only it would stop humping my leg.<br />
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Wednesday's Childhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13526727704699462233noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-66560279967314909892014-11-23T12:39:00.001-08:002014-11-23T12:39:45.869-08:00American Revenge (1988)<div style="text-align: center;">
American Revenge (1988)</div>
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Director: David Schwartz</div>
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Stars: Matt Hannon(!), James Van Patten, A.D. Muyich</div>
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I've been waiting for the right time to review this cinematic turkey, and being it's almost Thanksgiving, that time is now.</div>
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Jag (Muyich) is just your friendly, bodybuilding, non American drug dealer. He's looking to get out of the business after yet another attempt to kill him, but his pal Mel (Van Patten) sets up one last big deal with Angelo (Hannon) out in the desert. Angelo has other ideas, and tries to kill our heroic drug dealer. It's time for some revenge...AMERICAN REVENGE...although Jag doesn't sound the least bit American. Van Patten does, so I guess there's the American part. You got me on a technicality this time movie.</div>
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I tracked this one down simply because it's the only other film (to date) that has Samurai Cop Matt Hannon in it. He channels Stallone a bit too much (he did do bodyguard work for Sly), but I thought he did better as the villain than as Samurai Cop Joe (though he was more entertaining in SC).</div>
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The rest of this film is a mess of Vegas shots, old fat guys as henchmen, a leading man who can barely put a sentence together, and a director that I just now (as I'm writing this) realized is the director of that other awful movie I reviewed, Las Vagas Bloodbath. Both movies awful, both oddly enduring.</div>
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<u><b>Things I Got Out of American Revenge</b></u></div>
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- Fast food places such as Burger King are tremendously bad places to deal in ill gotten jewelry. Those kids may look like royalty with those paper hats, but they'll take off with your loot first chance they get. Little bastards.</div>
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- If your right hand man is a fat guy named Tiny that looks like he failed the Roadhouse "fat thug" audition, you know you've hit the bottom of the barrel of henchmen.</div>
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- Some odd product placement in this film. I'm not sure that Chevy approved that "Heartbeat of America" hat the drug buyer was wearing. No wonder my Taurus drove me from Georgia to Maine in 5 hours and then crashed for a week.</div>
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- When a shootout is happening at the bar you are at, It's important to just stand there with your back to the action. Sure you'll get shot, but no one is gonna spike that drink of yours lady!</div>
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- While you are a guest at the home of a sleazy drug dealer surrounded by losers with guns, asking for a cut of the drug money is a serious social faux pas</div>
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. Things I heard during Matt Hannon's first scene:</div>
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Someone saying "It's me" off camera"</div>
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A guy telling someone his wife is worried about the guns at their house</div>
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And the director saying "action" in the very next scene</div>
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- Hey ladies of the church, you wanna come to Vegas to sin, you gotta be prepared to be stuck in a dingy room with an old guy wearing a fake scar named "Scratch". THAT'S Hell!</div>
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- Line from the guy who fucks up the BK jewelry deal AND kidnaps the wrong people "I never make the same mistake twice". YOU JUST FUCKING DID!</div>
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- Tiny and Scratch have a scene together taking henchmen business, and they come off like two good buddies hanging out. I would have watched an entire movie about the daily lives of these two henchmen. Too bad Scratch dies like John Travolta in Pulp Fiction. </div>
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- Maybe I was hard on the guy who screws things up. Maybe he used to be a good henchmen but personal issues got in the way. Maybe his mortgage is due, or his little henchchildren are sick. I should give him a break.</div>
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- Never take your girlfriend to a drug deal.</div>
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- When the buddy who doesn't flake out on you gets blown up, maybe you should be screaming like a girl for him instead of crying out for the pal that shows up late. </div>
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- "Sorry, but I was playing strip poker with trashy women" is never a good excuse.</div>
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- I love the banner for the I Have A Dream Beauty pageant. Straight out of a county fair. I'm pretty sure that dream didn't involve being leered at by the director's buddies. Thanks for the sponsorship 7-Up!</div>
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- Nice of the director to read lines for the beauty pageant guy so he'll know what to say on the phone.</div>
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-Why was the hero of this video a drug dealer?! Are we suppose to sympathize with the roided out German sounding drug dealer?! I was really hoping for a sequel that starred am Italian legless money launderer who has to run one last pyramid scheme before being double crossed by actual Egyptians who want to put the money in a real pyramid. Since it's Vegas, the Pyramid will be headlined by Frank Sinatra Jr....and James Van Patten.</div>
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Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-58700713040480399182014-11-18T15:52:00.000-08:002014-11-18T15:54:26.095-08:00American Commando Ninja (1988)<div style="text-align: center;">
American Commando Ninja (1988)</div>
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Director: Lo Gio</div>
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Stars: Martin Chan, Daniel Garfield, Yolanda Kuk</div>
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You see the name listed as director? Don't be fooled my friends. Looking up Lo Gio only brings up two credits...this film and one from 1974. I almost gave Joseph Lai the benefit of the doubt that he had employed another hack to make his films but then in the closing credits I saw it...Story by Godfrey Ho.</div>
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I'm 100% convinced I just suffered through another Goddamn Godfrey Ho crapfest.</div>
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This movie is a rare one, as it's really one of the only martial arts films that was shot on video. Yep, not only is Godfrey Ho and Joseph Lai involved, but they brought their camcorders with them. </div>
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The "story" concerns a scientist with a germ warfare formula and several groups of people that are trying to retrieve said formula. They include a white guy in an office with a circus clown for a girlfriend, a crazy uncle with his own army and two nieces fighting over who will have the ugliest haircut, and a ninja and his new found bromance who are the heroes of this story. The two guys are named Larry and David. Please, curb your enthusiasm.</div>
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Unlike most of these films, it doesn't star Richard Harrison and it isn't made up with half a decent movie and half a movie where white guys run around with headbands that say "ninja" on them. But even without those obstacles, these guys manage to make a film that's completely fucking incoherent. Now that's talent.</div>
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<u><b>Things I Took From American Commando Ninja</b></u></div>
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- Wise advice from this movie "never trust a scientist". That's why I know Jupiter's gonna crash into us any day now. Just you wait, assholes.</div>
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- If you know someone has a homing device on him, take the coat with the device on it and throwing it 20 feet isn't going to throw the bad guys off much. Maybe irritate them a bit though.</div>
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- Why is this girl wearing confederate flag shorts?</div>
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- Speaking of shorts, why the hell is everyone wearing short shorts. It looks like half the cast is only wearing a shirt and it creeps me out. </div>
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-And while I'm on the subject, whoever was the costume designer on this film should be put out back and shot. Lime green pants, tons of daisy dukes, and shirts of many neon colors. It's like the late 80's surf craze threw up on everyone.</div>
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- Apparently a mysterious form of martial arts is called...and I shit you not...Hocus Pocus. This ancient technique includes blow fire out of your fingertips and pulling a rabbit out of your hat...but a rabbit with a katana sword.</div>
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- I like when the uncle yells at one of the heroes about being too young to know suffering. "In our day, it was either starve or eat another person, and we LIKED IT!"</div>
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- Look out for the "Tusken Raider in Star Wars" tribute every time some fires a gun more than once. Also dig those magically appearing ninja stars.</div>
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- One of the girls is so stupid, she thinks her parents were killed during world war 2, despite being maybe 25 years old. Someone's getting an F in history.</div>
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- I was going to make a joke about how the final battle looks like it takes place on a giant playground until I realized it actually WAS being fought on a giant playground! </div>
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- The final scene is sweet, when Larry and David do the patented bro handshake and gaze into each other's eyes, holding back their true feelings. You don't believe me? The whole movie's on youtube. Go watch it and see. I expect an apology.</div>
Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3370342273632320457.post-4151260189261542752014-11-14T15:51:00.000-08:002014-11-14T15:51:10.802-08:00Blood Freak (1972)<div style="text-align: center;">
Blood Freak (1972)</div>
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Directors: Brad F. Ginter, Steve Hawkes</div>
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Stars: Steve Hawkes, Dana Cullivan, Heather Hughes</div>
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Bad films seem to somehow find their way into my life, and disappointingly, onto my television. Take last night for example. I was all set to watch something that didn't make me want to pray to the little girl from the Visitor to send her pet bird to peck my eyes out. I decided to let my beautiful wife, who likes to watch "real" films (you know, ones with budgets, real actors, and sets not made from children's materials) pick the movie.</div>
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"There's a movie I've been wanting you to see for a couple years now" She said. usually her film choices are ones that I resist, but later had to admit to being fun to watch. I WAS a little suspicious however when she started handing me beer bottles to drink before the movie started.</div>
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Now I know why. I got hookwinked into an awful movie.</div>
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Blood Freak is a regional horror film from Florida about Herschell, a big biker guy who looks and acts like a proto Tommy Wiseau, hanging out with a bible quoting babe and her sister, who likes to do biblical things with Herschell. After hooking up with the drug happy sister, Herschell goes to work on some guy's turkey farm. Not really sure what the hell kind of turkey farm this is, because there are two "scientists" who ask Herschell to eat a whole turkey injected with some strange chemical they are working on. The Hersch devours the turkey, and before you know it he's a giant turkey headed freak.</div>
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Will Turkey Hersch still get him some of that sweet lovin? Will his unusual turkey crazed lust for blood be sated? Or is he doomed to be chased around by the Butterball people each November? </div>
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<u><b>Things I've Learned/Suffered from Watching Blood Freak</b></u></div>
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- I know this had a budget of 15 bucks, but wasn't there a better choice for a scientist than the bastard Hee Haw love child of Roy Clark and Junior Samples?</div>
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- Although I'm sure drug dealers want to look cool like the rest of us, if your haircut consists of greaser in the back and a 12 head in the front, you might want to see a different stylist. The Chinese Fonzie monk look just ain't workin'.</div>
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- I like how the movie makes you think the bible quoting lady is the main gal of the film when, SWERVE, it's her drug addicted sister! Because the star of the film (who also co-wrote and co-directed) couldn't spell heroine correctly.</div>
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- It is a social faux pas to call someone a tramp at a swinging drug party. They worked hard to put together this party of sex and drugs and you have to be the turd in the punchbowl.</div>
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- Turkeyhead Hersch has to be seen to be believed. It's like someone saw a turkey once, and then decided he should look like a chicken/owl hybrid instead. </div>
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- While Hersch was rude at your party, it does NOT mean you can invite your friends over and take a gander at your sideshow boyfriend. At least make them keep the stuffing and the cranberries in the car.</div>
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- Want to be in the film but all the good parts are taken? Just make yourself the narrator and you too can play God. PULL ZE STRINGS!</div>
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<b>If you don't want to be spoiled: read no further.</b> </div>
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- This movie, despite the many MANY flaws, was an almost enjoyable piece of crap. Turkeyhead hersch was killing folks and his girlfriend showed her butt. Too bad that they decide that this wasn't a crazy monster slasher, but an anti drug/pro Jesus film! I'm pro Jesus, sure, but unless he's fighting off Turkeyhead Hersch, I'd rather not have him thrown into the mix for no reason. Don't pretend that his mutation and killing spree was nothing more than a long ass hallucination! I don't care if he kicks the habit and rejoins his stupid girlf friend! I want her to have to blast his damn turkeyneck off and serve him for dinner to all her stoner friends while they watch Up In Smoke for the 400th time! ARRRGHHH!</div>
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Dan Lashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02500113625507594615noreply@blogger.com0