Stars: Jessica Harper, Paul Williams, William Finley
Naive songwriter Winslow Leach allows superstar record producer Swam (Williams) to look at his music. After not hearing back for a month Leach takes a trip to Death Records, Swan's label, to talk to him.
Now what do you think happens?
A) Swan apologizes about the mixup and they talk business
B) The receptionist says he's busy, so Winslow makes and appointment and they discuss it then
C) Winslow is framed for drugs, sent to prison, has all his teeth taken out and is mutilated by a record press
If you guessed A or B, then get out of here. Just get the hell right on out!
Are they gone? Good.
So a deformed Winslow hides away in Swan's new club The Paradise, makes a deal with the devil himself, and has a snazzy new outfit. He also has time to fall in love with sultry Jessica Harper, writing his masterpiece for her. But Swan has other plans.
Six Things I've Learned from Phantom of the Paradise
1. I REALLY hate 50's nostalgia bands. Fuck you Sha Na Na...the only real Bowser likes to kidnap princesses, not look like the Fonz in a funhouse mirror.
2. The bands onstage only kill for fun, but boy do they die for real.
3. When attacked with bathroom products, is it better to be attacked with a plunger or a scrub brush?
4. Even if you don't like the film, the music in this is fantastic. Paul Williams is a great songwriter, and Jessica Harper's voice is one in a million.
5. Paul Williams looks way too much like a young Silver Spoons era Ricky Schroeder. I was hoping to see Swam ride in on a train.
6. Beef looks an awful lot like Frank N Furter (although that movie was still a year away), and I'm convinced that the Phantom's voice box was ripped off for Darth Vader. Not like De Palma and Lucas didn't know each other.
Stars: John Gigante, Mary Beth Pelshaw, Jon Hammer
In this very rare shot on video flick, some morons get killed in a house by a guy wearing one of those half black/half white masks. This house is the childhood home of Able, who was the only survivor of a car crash that killed his family...or was he? Why is he protecting the oreo man? Who the hell are the fat lady and the girl scout? Where is the logic in this film? How does the crazy doctor drive with a never ending six pack of beer? What the hell am I doing enjoying this crap?
My better half was not a fan of this film and tells us why HERE. Well worth the read.
Six Things I've Learned From Phantom Brother
1. Never get adopted by a family called the Hickmans. They will do everything to try to live up to their last name. Well at least it's not the Shitheads.
2. They can explain that fear and sex are close together as many times as they want to in this film, they are morons for trying to get laid in an abandoned house. Motel 6 too good for you, Jersey stereotype?
3. An entire wall of files all about some crazy guy will never be funny.
4. I don't care if he makes housecalls, I don't want a drunken doctor named Dr. Van Dam to examine me.
5. Beware of roving bands of bad filmmakers coming into your place randomly to shoot some awful shit.
6. If at any point I start having fantasies about living with an annoying girl scout and an always eating woman, feel free to force me to watch a marathon of Nick Millard films. That's the closest thing to death for me.
When things get too rough for Dan, he decides the world would have been better if he hadn't been born. With the help of an Easy Listening Elf (don't ask), he sees what the world would be like without him or his show. Some of it's not pretty.
Listen here!
Track Listing
Opening (It's A Wonderful Dan Part One)
What's This (Nightmare Before Christmas)
We Do Things My Way (Street Trash) - Tony Darrow
Mixed Nuts Trailer
Closing Song for Twice Dead
Sleigh Ride - C3PO and R2-D2
Segment One (Drac goes Dirty)
Christmas Vacation - Mavis Staples
Silent Night Deadly Night Trailer
Brave Heart - Rick Riso
Christmas at Ground Zero - Weird Al Yankovic
Christmas Vacation Rant
ET I love You (ET Unreleased)- Buckner and Garcia
Segment Two (A Robot President?)
You're a Mean One Mister Grinch
A Christmas Story Trailer
Christmas Time is Here (A Charlie Brown Christmas)
Star Wars Holiday Special Song - Coked up Leia
Closing segment (Evil Marty!?)
Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth -Bing Crosby and David Bowie
This is Sly in the Sky here. Traffic seems to be steady. There's a traffic jam on the corner of 4th and Colburn, a river of blood to your left, and a giant warped head in the sky is about to eat me. Back to you, Bob.
Stars: Toby Radloff, Lori Scarlett, Richard Zaynor
Harold Kunkle is like the rest of us, just wants to find a nice mate, enjoy some public domain cartoons, and wants a radical 'do. After ordering Slick Dick's set of tapes designed to make him irresistible to the ladies, he decides to go out on the town. But at every turn there people reminding him of what he truly is...a nerd. But they were only half right. After being humiliated one too many times, Harold snaps and becomes...a KILLER NERD!
Six Things I've Learned from Killer Nerd
1. Establish the hell out of those buildings! Establish until the cows come home!
2. Never, EVER dismiss Harold's cat impression. Unless of course you're not attached to your head.
3. I was very disappointed that Harold didn't get revenge on that ripoff flower shop girl.
4. Sometimes, you don't really want the extras that comes with your pizza. No refunds!
5. Anytime you see a grown nerd in a diaper, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye. And perhaps your erection.
6. Honestly, this film without Toby Radloff would have been nearly unwatchable. His natural charisma really makes this one of my favorite movies. I know I was rooting for him. NERD NERD NERD NERD!
The Beyond (1981)
Director: Lucio Fulci
Stars: Catriona Maccoll, David Warbeck, Al Cliver
Liza inherits a New Orleans hotel from a mysterious uncle and begins working to get the place open. However, strange and increasingly grisly things keep happening, starting with a worker who falls off a scaffold after seeing a pair of eyes looking out at him from an upstairs window. The occurrences center around room 36, which coincidentally was the room of a painter/warlock who was murdered in the hotel many years ago by superstitious swamp folk because he was trying to open a portal to hell. Those jerks! Liza can't sell the hotel, because she's broke and this is her last chance. With the help of a friendly doctor, can she solve the mystery of the Seven Doors Hotel before the world ends?
SEVEN things I've learned by watching The Beyond
1. If you inherit a property, and find two people already employed there who you immediately distrust, FIRE THEM! Fire the hell out of them. You're the $#%*&@! boss, after all.
2. If you are picking up brain waves while doing an EEG on a person who has been dead for years, you're probably looking at the beginning of a zombie outbreak.
3. Do not climb ladders or scaffolds if you are easily startled.
4. Do not pick up weird ladies who hang around on bridges. In most cases you're only risking an STD, but you could get lucky and facilitate the opening of a gate to hell.
5. Do not entry.
6. Sometimes it's best to just lie back and let art flow over you. It is not best to lie back and let acid flow over you.
Stars: Katie Peterson, Shea Stewart, Jerry "The King" Lawler
In this gruesome horror/comedy, a group of hot girls go to stay for a weekend in a big house where a religious serial killer with a large war hammer is killing off "immoral" people. There's also a Girls Gone Wild type of shoot happening nearby, where a bored Ron Jeremy and a disturbingly happy Beetlejuice are hanging about. I went into this thinking it was going to be one of those lame spoofs like Jim Wynorski's Bare Wench Project, but found myself really enjoying this. It helps that one of my favorite wrestlers, Jerry "The King" Lawler is in it as well, and has the best attack against a villain ever. EVER.
Six Things I've Learned From Girls Gone Dead
1. That even though I knew there would be boobies in this, I was happily surprised to see that most of them weren't giant rock hard boulders strapped on some woman's body. Real boobs are awesome.
2. This film shows a more tender, sympathetic side to the Joe Francis type character. I'm fuckin' with ya. He's a giant douchebag.
3. With enough alcohol, we fat men can also get laid by drunk horny chicks. Of course the amount of alcohol is determined by a montage of just drinking. So I'm thinking she drank about 114 shots of booze.
4. If you ever see a can of gasoline in a film, no matter how minor it looks, there WILL be someone running around flailing their arms around on fire. Stop drop and roll, dummy!
5. It wasn't so much the killings that bothered me, but the fact that someone decided to clone the look and mannerisms/acting ability of Tara Reid. *shudders*
6. One of my favorite bad movie actors is in this...the great Asbestos Felt. I need to review Killing Spree next.
Stars: Henry Winkler, Michael Keaton, Shelley Long
In the 80s there was a group of feel-good movies about nerdy white dudes who accidentally became pimps, including Risky Business, Doctor Detroit, and Night Shift. What the genesis of this trend was, I don't know, but maybe it was the studio execs' absolution for their years spent pimping out aspiring starlets. I do know it was a more enjoyable trend than the body-switching movie craze of the late 80s, so who cares why they did it as long as we got some good movies out of it, right?
Bill and Chuck aren't doing anything at night anyway, so soon it's oops, we're pandering. Chuck happens to be business savvy due to a past life spent as a stockbroker, so before you know it he's socking away money in a coffee can SO HARD and Bill is flossing in a Stutz Blackhawk. This being an 80s comedy, they're flying through a montage one minute and then they crash, but everything will probably turn out all right in the end.
Henry Winkler shows off his acting abilities here. I can't even believe I'm looking at the same person who plays Arthur Fonzarelli and all he does is change clothes, lower his voice, and lose the swagger. Michael Keaton reminds us why he is 32 flavors of awesome with his lovable, manic Bill. Seriously, that guy needs to be mega-famous again. I'll admit that the movie is a bit dated, and that some loose ends are left at the end of the story, which are two reasons Night Shift doesn't seem to be all that well-remembered. Still, this is far and away my second favorite Ron Howard movie, after A Beautiful Mind. So, what can you learn from this movie?
Six Things I've Learned From Night Shift
1. Night court can't possibly be as entertaining is it is always portrayed in the movies and on TV, otherwise people would just get arrested on purpose when they have nothing better to do.
2. 80s "glamorous" clothes for women were pretty stank looking.
3. A hooker will honestly tell you if she is faking her orgasm with you. Just ask her!
4. The best reason to get tinted windows in your car is so you can give the cops the finger.
5. The day you decide that you have had enough and you are not going to take it anymore, everyone who used to bother you will magically get off your case. Even attack dogs such as your overbearing mother!
6. Never, ever get Joe Spinell wet after midnight.
Stars: Doug Bradley, Ashley Lawrence, Andrew Robinson
Uncle Frank is a bastard. He was the former lover of his brother's wife Julia. Not smart. He also liked playing around with odd puzzle boxes. Really dumb. The box opens and S & M demons come out and rip his flesh off. Fucking stupid. Now Frank's back and he wants Julia to help him become more than a skull and spine combination by killing other guys and drinking their blood (in a manner of speaking). The Cenobites are not amused. A fan is then filled with feces as it is hit.
Six Things I've Learned from Hellraiser
1. Pinhead claims to have "such sights to show me" but all I see is twirling boxes with ears pinned to it and chains with hooks. Disneyland this ain't.
2. When I watched this on videotape, there was an a great ad for Hellraiser merchandise with a little old lady. That Hellraiser satin jacket would have looked Sa-WEET on me.
3. I just now realized that the dad was the awesome Scorpio in Dirty Harry. I realize this as he blows up. In my face indeed.
4. When people are told to look at their loved one's inner self, I don't think it included the muscle groups and entrails.
5. When it comes down to Uncle Frank and the Cenobites, I'm firmly on the side of the inhuman pincushion.
6. I'll keep my sexual deviationsat a safe level. A chicken, two pounds of mayo, and a wetsuit.
Director: Jordan Downey Stars: Daniel Usaj, Joe Hartzler, Preston Altree, Jordan Downey
Fowl-mouthed villain Turkie carves through the likes of a rapping grandma, a mindless puppet, a wig-wearing inventor, a bisexual space worm, and their equally ridiculous friends on his quest to recover the last copy of "ThanksKilling 2".
Six Things I Learned from ThanksKilling 3 1) Turkeys can fly spaceships.
2) Turkeys can steal souls.
3) Thanksgiving is not about family. It's about the slaughtering of turkeys.
4) Anybody who watched "ThanksKilling 2" is under Turkie's spell. Just like "Gigli" with Ben Affleck.
5) The portal to space is through a robot's ass.
6) If you lose your dick, it's wise to replace it with a chainsaw.
Do you think that all homeless people are poor lost souls who just need a hand? Well not if you watch this film. Everyone in this film (except for the tough as nails cop) is a pretty scummy character and I welcomed each death. A liquor store owner finds a hidden case of booze that he sells to his mostly homeless clientele for a buck. Sounds like a deal? Not when you're melting and looking like what happens when you mash all the playdoh colors together and throw some of your big brother's He-Man slime pit slime on top.
There's also some story about some crazy Nam vet homeless guy who runs the junkyard. And everyone's ugly. No wonder Lloyd Kaufman hates this film.
Six Things I've Learned from Street Trash
1. When you're done with your drunken date, take the time to take her home, instead of passing out and having her be carried away by the homeless version of Freaks.
2. A great business practice is to constantly insult your customers and call them every vile name you can think of. Flyers help too. Flyers with vulgarities.
3. It is police procedure to throw up on criminals after catching them.
4. If you see a large black man with a gas mask start stuffing his pants with meat, I'd just let him keep it.
5. I gotta admit, there's some damn good deaths in this film.
6. I was just on the verge of hating this film until the odd subplot about the restaurant owner (mob movie guy Darrow) trying to kill his employee (Frankenhooker's Lorinz). The ending to this film (and the song that plays over the credits) made it worth my time.
I love the fact that this has nothing to do with this film whatsoever. People renting this would expect it to be an erotic thriller about zombies in the water attacking/making love to Baywatch models while the floating head of Peter Cushing watches in disappointment.
Stars: John Cameron Mitchell, Miriam Shor, Michael Pitt
Hedwig is the story of a transsexual rock star wrongly ripped off of her music by the mega popular Tommy Gnosis (Pitt). We learn about her story, we follow her from town to town as she follows him, and ultimately she finds the one person she's needed to look for all along...herself.
Genuinely one of my favorite films, the music in this by Stephen Trask is awesome. First time director Mitchell gives Hedwig this funny semi-tragic life filled with vibrant colors. Also he looks pretty damn good as a woman....shut up.
Six Things I've Learned From Hedwig and the Angry Inch
1. Barbie doll crotch is not a good idea if you wish to remain sexually active.
2. With some christmas lights, a saw, and some rope you too can turn your trailer into your own traveling stage show. Keytar not included.
3. I would have liked to seen a film about the Korean women who were Hedwig's first band. They rocked.
4. Midnight Radio may be one of the best songs ever put together.
5. Don't put a bra in the dryer because it'll warp. Also don't cut your ding dong off for some army guy.
6. I am not the only person talking with Phil Collins' people. That lying bastard.
In a out of this world (or at least out of the studio) adventure, Dan and Marty (along with Dracula) are kidnapped by Eros from Plan 9 From Outer Space! Will our stupid, stupid minds be able to comprehend the alien's plan 10!? We also find out Dracula likes the movie Friday.
Listen Here!
Track Listing
Show Opening (there's a light)
Plan 9 From Outer Space Theme
Midnight Radio (John Cameron Mitchell/Stephen Trask) - Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Star Wars Disco - Meco
LaserBlast Trailer
Believe it Or Not (Greatest American Hero) - Joey scarbury
Challenge of the Superfriends Theme
Martial Outlaw Trailer
Segment One (The Abduction)
Silence of the Lambs Trailer
Goodbye Horses (Silence of the Lambs) - Q Larzzarus
Monster in My Pants - Fred Schneider
Old Souls (Phantom of the Paradise)- Jessica Harper
Dawn of the Dead Trailer
Dr. Detroit (Doctor Detroit) - Devo
Main Theme - Siren Blood Curse
Segment Two (Eros insults Dan)
Wreck-It Ralph - Buckner and Garcia
Que Sera Sera (Heathers) - Sly and the Family Stone
Liddsville Theme
Closing (Plan 10 thwarted)
Little Black Dress (Shock Treatment) - Jessica Harper
In this shot on video "film", and I use that term as loosely as humanly possible, a homeless man in a wheelchair snaps and kills people. That's it. Wheelchair homicide. If there wasn't boobs in this, it would beat out Death Nurse as the worst film I've ever seen.
Six Things I've Learned from Hellroller
1. Spent all your money on the boobs? That's alright. Just cut away and then plop some red glob on the actor. Problem solved!
2. Johnny Legend does a great Tommy Chong impression.
3. I know she did it for money, but do you think Michelle Bauer is embarrassed for being in this shit? I like to think she is. "Get naked for your camcorder? Sure!"
4. Eugene (the wheelchair guy) is a bad partner. He promises his stupid new murder buddy (played by the director) he can have his way with the women victims but the first one comes along and Eugene has to kill him. If that's not enough, his victim is stupid enough to help him!
5. Don't want to show passage of time? Just have the actors leave and then renter the scene. NEW DAY!
6. Eugene has more mood swings than a 13 year old girl.
Because we here at WWWofCF love Halloween, and were tired of those lame ass "scary" music compilations with less than scary music, we decided to put together a special TWO HOUR block of music, trailers, and soundbytes to scare the pants off of you...if any of you wore pants. No track listing, because I just want you to enjoy the show, and because I'm lazy. Too much candy corn.
I don't want to give you any ideas, but this would be great background ambiance for your party or satanic ritual.
Since Halloween tip toed it's way up on me, I'm going to bust out the last ten choices for my favorite horror movie moments. These are not in any particular order and the only rule was that it come from a horror film.
Without further ado, let's get to the top ten.
10. "What's Behind Door Number 1?" - Texas Chainsaw Massacre
This was a film that everytime I saw it, the lights were off for some reason. So therefore, I would end up pissing the bed afraid that Leatherface would break out his chainsaw and gut me like that fat guy in the wheelchair. I'm not as scared now (plus I have rubber sheets) so I can appreciate what Tobe Hooper did in this film with a budget of 14 bucks.
This scene is my favorite because of a few reasons. One, someone dies...always a plus. Two, the introduction of Leatherface in glorious fashion (and he is a fashion plate). And C, the idea of not knowing what the hell ol' Leathy is going to do with this guy once he drops him like a bad habit. I bet he's gonna make out with him. That pervo.
9. "I Think That's Expired" - Zombi 3
Let's face it, Zombi 3 is a terrible film...except this scene. No matter how many times I see it, I think of those flying medusa heads in the NES classic Castlevania. Man I hated those damn heads/ Bastards.
8. "Tarmania Running Wild!" - Return of the Living Dead
Zombies don't really scare me. Yeah, they look gross and all, but none of them really frighten me. Tarman scares the hell out of me to this day. I mean if I saw a regular zombie walking the streets, I'd be alarmed but could probably take him out. If I saw Tarman, I'd throw any man woman or senior citizen in my way to get away from it. I have to go change my pants now. Damn it.
7. "A Creepy Doll Walks in A Bar" - Deep Red
Look, I'm quite alright if somebody wants to kill me. It's nothing new. I'm still hiding from those Target employees after yelling "BUY ONE GET ONE FREE TV'S" on Black Friday. If those people really wanted to catch me, all they would have to do is dress this doll/robot as a Target Cashier and I'd jump out the window.
6. "Would you like some towels?" - The Woman in Black
If the title confuses you, let me explain. I went on vacation once. Just once. Was hanging out in Orlando just having a good ol' time. Now if there's one thing we can all agree on, is that we all get startled when woken up suddenly from a deep sleep. I was staying at this questionable motel when I was awaken by the maid asking if I need some extra towels. Needless to say, I screamed like a girl, she screamed like a girl, and I had to get a new bedspread. I know this man's pain.
5. "Chachi HATES Joanie" - Galaxy of Terror
I've always had a fascination of seeing beloved tv characters die gruesomely, like Gomez Addams playing a drunken bastard and then getting filled up with air until he exploded in the little seen Night Life. Plucking these characters out of their safe laugh filled environment and placing them in danger is oddly enjoyable to me. So when I first read that Erin Moran was in Galaxy Of Terror, I figured she would be one of the ones who survived the film.
I was wrong. Oh so wrong.
Basically this alien creature attacks people using their fear..I guess Joanie Cunninghams' fear was being in a Roger Corman film, and her poor head couldn't take it. And not a Fonz in sight.
One of the funniest horror movies of the past 25 years is Frankenhooker.Being a teenager when this came out, I push the button on the VHS box that said "Wanna Date?" at least 50 times before my parents agreed to rent it out for me. I was not disappointed.
Although the supercrack scene doesn't have a lot of gore in it, it does have two other things going for it...boobs and exploding hookers. You know you wanna watch it. WARNING: There are some ugly boobs in this scene. I'm sorry in advance.
3. "River Raft Rampage" - The Burning
This one is a recent view for me, although it came out in 1980. My wife recommended this movie to me because she knows I love me some cheesy slashers. From campers old enough to be parents of campers, a hideously burned up serial killer, and even that nerdy guy from Fast Times who couldn't seem to get it on with Jennifer Jason Leigh.
In this scene, these idiots go out camping far from the summer campgrounds. Now what is the fucking point of going camping AWAY from a campground? That's like going to a swimming pool only to travel a block or so and decide to use someone else's swimming pool that's above ground. Really roughing it. OK, so these moron's canoes are gone and they go all Gilligan's Island and build a raft out of coconuts or the campers sweaty jocks or something. A band on campers merrily make their way down the river when they spot one of the canoes.
What happens next? If you guess massive bloody hilarious death, give yourself a cookie. Only one though, I don't want you to spoil your dinner.
2. "Super Mega Video Game Killers" - Bio-Zombies
This movie is fast becoming one of my favorite zombie flicks. It mainly takes place at a tacky mall/flea market where a guy who drank expired Dr. Pepper (or maybe not) turns into a flesh seeking zombie. We follow two lovable losers who must save their wimmins and save the day. Do they? Go watch it yourself you lazy bastard!
This scene is my favorite because it parodies videos game perfectly. The 5 survivors get weapons and we're treated to a "screenshot" and mini bio for each character. It may not be scary, but it sure as hell cool.
1. "Winner Takes It All" - Venom
Klaus Kinski battles a deadly Black Mamba to the death in a performance so over the top, Rip Taylor felt it was too much. Who dies? No matter what, we all win.
So here a David Bowie/Muppet hybrid has taken it upon himself to murder people that are made entirely of wood. OR maybe he's just carving his initials in him.
Clark moves into an abandoned hospital with other college students to save on money. She shortly learns the reason it's abandoned is the curse of the Shrieker. The more she learns about the creature, the quicker their lives are running out.
Six Things I Learned from Shrieker
1. The Shrieker is the Conjoined Fetus Lady from South Park’s brother.
2. To appease the Shrieker and save your life, you must give it five lives to feast on. A dollar menu is an option when he’s low on income.
3. College students live in abandoned hospitals. No hobos allowed! Shriekers, on the other hand…
4. Having short hair and a good body makes you gay.
5. The Shrieker can move through three dimensions to land anywhere he wants. This is also known as a plot convenience.
6. The Shrieker has a schedule. He only kills you if it’s in his planner.
#12 "Must Have Been Something She Ate" - City of the Living Dead
The blame for me becoming a big Fulci fan can be squarely placed on my wife (who does the fantastic Deep Red Rum site. I'm particularly fond of his unholy trilogy (The Beyond, City of the Living Dead, House By the Cemetery). Now while I'm not as fond of House and I'm sure the Beyond will make an appearance on this list, this scene is without a doubt my favorite Fulci scene. Why? I can't say for sure. Maybe it's the horror of seeing some lady bleed out of her eyes and then throw up her innards. Or maybe it's because the dumbass boyfriend gets what little brain he has ripped out of the back of his head. Maybe I've just always wanted to stare at people until something gross happens. I think it's a combination of all three.
#11 "They're All Gonna Laugh At You!" - Evil Dead 2
Anyone that's listened to my radio show (All 7 of you) know that I have an unhealthy obsession with my Evil Dead 2 DVD. This scene is the reason why. I'm always a fan of massive blood baths, and this scene sure doesn't dissapoint. It's like the Skittles of bloodbaths, all the colors of the rainbow! Well that's close enough to send anyone on the brink of insanity, but when all the furniture in the cabin starts to laugh at you...you can almost hear Ash's mind snapping.
It's a very disturbing scene because I secretly live in fear of doing something stupid in private...like singing What's Love Got to Do With It in my underwear and thinking that the toaster is telling the griddle how much of a goofy jackass I am. I get so upset I throw the toaster, breaking it into pieces while yelling at it. My mascera is running and I'm crying out "YOU CAN'T FEEL MY PAIN! YOU JUST MAKE TOAST!! DON'T JUDGE MEEEE!!" and then my wife comes home to find me in the fetal position and ignores me.
Starting with this post, I'm going to be doing two movie moments at a time...mainly because I'm trying to get done in time for halloween and this cuts in on my candy eating designated time. So here we go!
#13 "Chicken Lady" - Freaks
Freaks is in my personal top 10 favorite movies. I'm a big Tod Browning fan (go see the 1925 classic The Unholy Three) and he puts his sideshow traveling past to good use. Banned in many countries for years, this film used real sideshow performers, but instead of them being the monsters, they're the good guys.
That being said, this scene is why you don't piss them off. The "freaks" learn that the "normal" trapeze artist has been poisoning the beloved little person Hans (played by Harry Doll). They're none too pleased and they go after her and her lover the strongman. This scene is genuinely creepy and the aftermath even more disturbing.
80 YEAR OLD SPOILERS AHEAD!
They fucking turn her into some sort of chicken lady! How the hell do they do that!? Does she lay eggs? Can she play tic tac toe? I DON'T KNOW! All I can say are freaks are some bad mamma jammas.
#12 "I Hate Little League" - Maximum Overdrive
Now I know a lot of people hate this film, but for me it's like an old friend. This movie played constantly on
one of those pay movie channels (I'm thinking Showtime) and as a kid I wanted one of those semi's with the Green Goblin head. It's like He-Man ...it was my favorite cartoon as a child, but even though watching muscular men in furry loincloths seems a bit dated, I still have a soft spot for it in my head.
As previously mentioned, I like when movies aren't afraid to bump off children. I enjoy it even more when it's some athletic event. Yes, I resent not being more athletic instead of just witty and ridiculously good looking. From the hilarious to me sight of soda cans nailing the coach in the balls, to the steamroller flattening little Billy Bastard, this is just one big giggle fest for me.
In this episode, Dan tries to get into the Arbitrary Cinema Coalition by sucking up to it's president, Graham Von Paramounte. Will Dan join the elite, or is he destined to be a goofball?
On a side note, you may have noticed some of the radio shows are not showing up. I'm working on fixing this one show at a time. Be patient gentle Ben viewers!
Listen Here!
Track Listing
Show opening
I'm the Leader of the Gang- Hulk Hogan with Green Jelly
Satan (Theme from Satan's Sadists)- Paul Wibier
Horror Hospital Trailer
March of the Dead (Army of Darkness)- Danny Elfman
Theme from Cannibal Holocaust
Tron Trailer
Segment Two (Some cinematic masterpieces)
Sweet Home Chicago (Blues Brothers)- John Belushi and Dan Aykroyd
Great Moments in Cult Cinema _ Big Jim Slade (Kentucky Fried Movie)
Main Title from The French Connection
Main Them from Werewolves on Wheels - Don Gere
Segment Three (Graham meets Marty)
Midnight Madness- Donna Fein
Montage (Mad Max Theme)- Brian May
Shocker (Shocker)- Paul Stanley
Abby Trailer
Who Am I - Jackie Chan
Theme (?) from Tales From the Quadead Zone
Closing (The ACC or Marty?)
Blame it on the Bossa Nova (Amazon Women on the Moon) - Don "No Soul" Simmons
Today we're going to look at what I consider the best Halloween film. I know some of you will have those pitchforks and torches ready (and where are you getting those torches at?) because everyone loves the original Halloween. While I enjoy that film, and it boasts one of the greatest horror themes ever, it just lacks something to me. I will say it was close only for the thrill of seeing PJ Soles' boobs, but I have the extended version of Stripes to watch constantly...and alone...and with tissue.
Halloween 3 is my favorite of the series simply because the story is pretty damn awesome. a crazy mask maker (who owns a town and has a 6 pm curfew) and his army of robots steals one of the large rocks of Stonehenge. That's right, somehow this guy and his walking mechanical army actually managed to BRING A PART OF STONEHENGE BACK TO THE UNITED STATES!! Anyway, Doctor Challus, who is a big ol' whore, is trying unravel the mystery behind these masks.
Now let me go slightly off topic and ask a question...why would all these kids want what basically ammounts to three very fucking generic masks? I'm sure Skull head Elvis would be a hit at parties, but there's only so many ways you take a witch mask. Was it the givaway? Cause if so, that must have been the best prize on the face of the earth for kids to play a pumpkin for halloween. More like halloweenies, amirite?
#14 "Watch the Magic Pumpkin" Halloween 3
Today's scene is one of my favorites simply because an annoying kid gets it. I get tired of seeing the kid get away simply because they're a fucking kid. If it's a smart kid who outwits the killer, that's different, but Billy Bastard should have to follow the same rules of horror films as us adults, dagnabbit.
I have no idea why a small piece of Stonehenge would cause a kid to spit out bugs and large snakes. I was saddened however, to find the no midgets were going to come out and dance around the dead kid. That race of druids means business!
Stars: Red Mitchell, Tracey Huffman, Charles L Trotter
A group of annoyingly preppy young adults go to a fancy cabin only to be killed off by some old looking zombie. the lone survivor Marc decides to find this evil being. With the help of the mysterious Reggie and the too cool for school Detective Leo, they find out that some things truly are....Forever Evil! See what I did there? That would have been a totally sweet IMDB synopsis. I wonder if they pay for those?
Six Things I've Learned From Forever Evil
1. Your hero shouldn't look like an adult version of the "My Buddy" doll that was big in the 80's.
2. The zombie in this film looks like one of those thirty dollar K Mart decorations you put on your front porch holding a bowl of snickers with a sign that says "EYE see when you take more than one!" I shoulda taken two or three. I'm such a coward.
3. I wish I had my own theme music like Leo did. Maybe something light and jazzy. Something that would make people know I mean business, but I have a wacky side as well. I'll get on that.
4. Important scenes in this film include a nosy neighbor of Leo's telling her friend on the telephone every single fucking story in the tabloids and Leo's entire trip to the mailbox to mail a letter to Marc that he could have just phone the asshole and told him.
5. When filming a bloody shower scene, it's best not to film it in a place that has blood red tiles in it.
Since this month is when all the witches fly and the freaks come out at night and people are trying to figure out how to put razor blades in popcorn balls, I thought I'd put together my own little list of favorite Horror Movie Moments.
Now I'm not saying these are the best scenes ever (well to me they are) as any list like this is subjective, but I'd like to get your comments on the selections I've made.
These are not in any particular order.
#15 "I Remember You" from House of 1000 Corpses
I know Rob Zombie is hit or miss with some of you, but I've always enjoyed his work (Halloween 2 notwithstanding). It's obvious he has a true love of exploitation and cult films and casts his movies accordingly. You can say he casts his wife too often, but a lot of directors do that...looking at you Timmy Burton.
While I love the Captain Spaulding scenes (and can currently be his double right now), it's this particular scene listed that got me the first time I saw it. The sheer slow motion brutality and shock while the sweet tones of Slim Whitman echos in the air is such a great pairing. The long silent pullback before the deputy is shot (not by Eric Clapton) is almost painful. Twenty seconds of agonizing silence fills the air before the gun goes off.
Stay tuned to this site as I'll have more of my favorite horror scenes all this month. Man I'm looking forward to Lords of Salem.
In feudal Korea, the evil King becomes aware that there is a peasant rebellion being planned in the country. He steals all the iron farming tools and cooking pots from the people so that he may make weapons to fend off the peasant army. After he returns the property to the people, an old blacksmith is imprisoned and starved to death. His last creation is a tiny figurine of a monster- Pulgasari, a Godzilla-like creature that eats iron. The blood of his daughter brings the creature to life, and fights with the poor, starving peasants to overthrow the corrupt monarchy.
Six Things I Learned from Pulgasari
1. Kim Jong-Il likes kaiju films.
2. Monsters take a back seat to political agendas.
3. Pulgasari likes to steal and eat iron. It’s a part of his balanced breakfast!
4. Spears don’t harm Pulgasari. Cancel the Edge and Goldberg attack.
5. Pulgasari is a natural at wood cutting. I wonder how he fares in mowing the lawn.
6. A woman’s blood bring Pulgasari to life. He’s the only male creature that likes women during their time of the month.
Stars: Kurt McKinney, Jean Claude Van Damme, Timothy D Baker
Despite the box art, this movie doesn't star Jean Claude Van Damme, but Kurt McKinney as all american kid and stalker of the late Bruce Lee, Jason Stillwell. After his family moves to a new town, Jason tries to fit in with a new karate school, but if you've seen Karate Kid, you know that these guys are going to be giant dickheads. After begging the tombstone of Bruce Lee to help him, he actually does and Jason helps saves the asshole Dojo (and his suddenly popping up out of nowhere girlfriend) by battling the evil russian... who IS Jean Claude Van Damme. Dude's in this movie like 15 minutes tops. I hate lying VHS covers.
Six Things I've Learned From No Retreat No Surrender
1. This film throws us for a loop right off the bat when Jason's dad, getting beat up by some mobsters, actually retreats AND surrenders by moving to another town.
2. Every kid in the 80's was required to have a hip breakdancing friend assigned to them. Jason got one who also enjoys dressing up like Michael Jackson. What a lucky boy!
3. Why is the comic fat guy so disgusted by Jason's Bruce Lee fetish? The fat bastard takes karate himself! Or maybe they just have a good buffet there.
4. The mob guy clapping his hands gleefully like a little girl while Van Damme "breaks" the asshole dojo members is a highpoint.
5. The guy playing Jason's dad, while in reality a real karate champion, would have also been right at home "acting" in an Ed Wood film. So wooden he took a sidejob as paneling on a stationwagon.
6. The Bruce Lee in this film is played by Tai Chung Kim, who was the stand in for the real Lee when he died during the filming of Game of Death. No truth to the rumor that the cardboard cutout of Lee was originally asked to play Jason's dad.
A few days late and about a buck fifty short, we're back with an all new show! Dan recieves a surprise when Stan Dashley asks HIM to be his best man at his wedding! Will he accept? Will anyone show up for the party Marty set up? Will whoever parked in my parking spot please move your damn car? All this and more on the next episode of....wait...gotta stop watching SOAP reruns when I'm typing.
Listen Here!!
Track Listing
Show Opening
Ballroom Blitz (Wayne's World)- Tia Carrera (schwing!)
The Church - Goblin
Petey Wheatstraw Trailer
Die You Zombie Bastards (Movie of the same name)- Count Smokula
Theme from Lord of the Rings (1978 version)
Marty Plans a Party
Slithis Trailer
Strangers (The Darjeeling Limited) - The Kinks
Revenge of the Nerds Talent Show
Great Moments in Cult Cinema - UHF/Depressed Uncle Nutsy
Dr. Who Theme - Matthew Jason Walsh
Here in this Life (Future Force)
The Town That Dreaded Sundown Trailer
Stan Gets His Presents
I Want Candy (Aqua Teen Hunger Force) - MC Pee Pants
He Needs Me (Punch Drunk Love/Popeye) - Shelly Duvall/Jon Brion
Stars: Jennifer Ritchkoff, Michael Taylor, Tim Young, Betheny Zolt
Out and about on a camping trip in the woods without a care in the world, four campers found themselves in an unknown world. With the death of their guide and at the mercy of a cold blooded killer, the trip of fun in the sun soon took a wrong turn. With friends slowly disappearing, so does the chance of getting out alive.
Six Things I Learned from Camp Blood
1. Bird watching leads to murder.
2. Those who make moonshine scare people away from their site with killer clown stories.
3. Sandals are perfect footwear for a hike through the woods.
Stars: Jackie Chan, Anita Mui, and Dozens of broken bodies
In Jackie Chan's American breakthrough film (which I also saw in the theater), Chan plays a Hong Kong Champion (I'm thinking knitting. Chan's an awesome knitter) who comes to New York for his uncle's wedding. Chan stays on to help the new owner of his uncle's grocery store and encounters a rowdy gang intent on chasing him around the city. Meanwhile, there's some plot about diamonds being stolen, ANOTHER gang of well dressed bad guys, and lots of shit being destroyed. In short, a fun ride of violence. Get your ticket at the door slamming into someone's face.
Six Things I've Learned from Rumble in the Bronx
1. I never knew New York had such beautiful mountains!
2. Playing glass bottle baseball in a dead end alley is no way to welcome a visitor to your city. Use plastic bottles first to get them accustomed to your culture.
3. The Syndicate practices unfair hiring practices by only hiring large giant headed white guys in suits. I'm sure there are many other ethnic types who are large, have giant heads, and also own themselves a nice suit. Don't discriminate assholes!
4. People you have just beat the shit out of will instantly forgive you if you say that you wanna drink tea with them. People love their tea time.
5. While refrigerators should never be used to lock someone in (your safety tip of the day), they are quite fine to use to protect yourself from swords and sticks and in certain cases used to cause concussions by slamming them into your enemies. The more you know.
6. After getting the Syndicate arrested, the cops will have no problems with you driving a hovercraft onto a golf course to run over the head of the Syndicate and expose his buttocks for all to see. It's police procedure.
Stars: Ricardo Alverez, Mara Lynn Bastian, Greg Kerouac
A crazy bastard dressed as a 60's hippy is out killing badly acting nude couples while the angry cops bitch about it and harass some old guy. Throw in a saggy snooping female reporter willing to do anything to get the scoop (ugh) and you got yourself the makings of a shot on video classick.
Six Things I've Learned From 555
1. Ed Wood Tips #34: With random diplomas, a desk, and a small couch, any room can become a police station! Just add cops.
2. OK, how fucking hard is it to find someone dressed like a 60's hippy in the late 1980's? Was there suddenly a trend of looking like you stepped off an episode of The Wonder Years?
3. Tired of having a sex drive? Be sure to watch the butt ugly reporter whip out her titty and letting some old guy suck on it. It's boner reducing magic!
4. One positive thing about this film is that the decapitation scene is pretty well done. Not real believable but still well done.
5. These guys may be the angriest cops on the face of the earth. Even Dirty Harry would be like "whoa bald guy, let's dial it down a notch".
6. If you make a movie this bad, only your family is stupid enough to help you make it. For shame Koz family.
Returning with an all new radio show filled with cult's finest music and trailers, Dan takes his show every other week so he can partake in a long time passion of his...sponge climbing. But never fear (you over there...stop shaking), Dan has a killer lineup just for you. Well not you...you smell. The person next to you...yeah them.
Listen Here!
Track Listing
Intro
Redemption (Rocky 2)- Bill Conti
Theme from Kung Pow: Enter the Fist
End Theme from Demons 3: The Ogre
UHF Trailer
Insight (Nightmare Detective)
Maniac Manson NES Theme
Knights Trailer
Dan's Wrestling Doubleshot Intro
No Holds Barred Theme - Jim Johnston
Pencil Neck Geek - Classy Freddie Blassie
The Sister Bomber (Robogeisha)- Tatakae Gattai Geisha
Bloddy Pom-Poms Ending Credits- Murielle and Joel Hamilton
Great Moments in Cult Cinema - Dhali Llama scene in Caddyshack
Sittin on the Side of the Road (Michael)- Andie Macdowell
Stars: Jason London, Parker Posey, Matthew McConaughey
This movie takes us back in time to 1976 on the last day of school in Texas. The school quarterback just wants to party and get high, but his tight ass coach wants him to sign a waiver from having fun. We also look into the life of soon to be freshman Mitch, who must avoid paddling and find love (or lust at least). Also Ben Affleck gets paint poured on him, something I want to do daily.
Just a sidenote, this is the 100th post on WWWofCF! Who knew I could stay with something this long? Here's to post 1000 sometime this century!
Six Things I've Learned From Dazed and Confused
1. I've learned that "wipe that face off your head" is not a good response while waiting in line at the store. I wasn't suppose to be the 12th item!
2. There's a drinking game where you take a drink whenever Mitch touches his nose. I got alcohol poisoning and am going to AA meetings.
3. I really want to punch that Kevin Pickford guy in the face. Apparently so did the actor playing Pink.
4. As a nerd, I shared the pain when the frizzy headed nerd punched the greaser and then got his ass kicked. Stand up for yourself my ass!
5. If you look 12, chances are the cashier isn't gonna give a shit and sell you beer.
6. Matthew McConaughey made it alright alright alright to be a creepy pervert. Orange pants not included.
Stars: Fred Travalena, Gregory Calpakis, Flavia Carrozzi
The Watergate Plumbers, a poorly-performing college basketball team, lose their best players one by one to death and dismemberment at the hands of a mysterious masked stalker.
Six Things Learned from Night of the Dribbler
1. Heads make for good basketball substitutes.
2. Elvis impersonators moonlight as basketball players.
3. Your coach is the next best thing to your father.
4. Hypnosis can help you with your basketball skills.
An Idaho ski wunderkind travels to a big time ski competition. He picks up an annoying hitchhiker along the way and the love/lust tension follows. He falls in with a rowdy group of skiers led by Mister Making It himself David Naughton and they take on the asshole Europeans. They even give the big downhill slope the name Chinese Downhil. Because it's slanted. Haw haw.
Six Things I've Learned From Hot Dog: The Movie
1. Always keep your eyes to the face when your hotel clerk walks in wearing just a smile. Manners!
2. Never take drugs and get trapped in a sauna with sleazy European people. I learned that the hard way. Couldn't sit down for a couple days and felt dirty.
3. In every ragtag group, there should always be an asian guy. And he only speaks english when he wants to know what the fuck is going on.
4. So even though the hitchhiker girlfrfriend gets mad at Idaho and leaves him, he doesn't seem the bit surprised that she pops back up like nothing happened when he clearly won the competition. She still slept with the sleazy European guy!
5. Why wasn't there a bigger deal made when Idaho clearly won the competition!? I'm sure there would have been a Sports Illustrated article about rigging skiing com...I couldn't finish that with a straight face.
6. I didn't see one damn hot dog in this film. Talk about false advertising!
Dan goes back down memory lane to share his thoughts on a couple of "scaaarrry" tv shows. He also decides to take some minor characters from cult movies and put them in their own films. I'd pay a good 2- 2.50 to watch em.
