Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Witchtrap (1989)

Witchtrap (1989)
Director: Kevin Tenney
Stars: James W. Quinn, Linnea Quigley, Kathleen Bailey

Some asshole hires a team of paranormal researchers to investigate a haunted mansion he owns and plans on turning into a bed and breakfast. He also hires the worst security team to watch over them and make terrible wisecracks. There's also a weird religious nutjob psychic that's part of the paranormal group, and she seems to have an orgasm every time this evil spirit decides to off somebody. I'll have what she's having.

So Avery Lauder, formerly a living warlock, now a dead one, sees his chance to become breathing once again by finishing some satanic ceremony that will allow him to enter the psychic (he'll call her afterwards, he promises) and just be unpleasant to be around.

I'm not sure how to feel about this movie. The acting is terrible all the way through, and the dialogue ridiculous, but it was a well shot movie and it even had a decent effect or two. Not too terrible to mock mercilessly (though I'll try) and not good enough to praise. At least Linnea Quigley gets newd. 

I did like how they kept saying that this wasn't a sequel to the director's other movie Witchboard. No, just because you have the same bad guy with the same look and a different name is merely a coincidence.

Six Things I've Learned from Witchtrap

1. I heard the psychic lady won third place in the Joan Cusak lookalike contest. No truth to the rumor that John Cusak popped a boner watching this.

2. If a door reaches out to you with arms open wide, don't fall for it. Doors don't hug. DOORS DON'T HUG!

3. Yes, this film has some of the most stilted line readings of all time, but nothing compares to the speech the psychic gives to our hero Tony Vincetti. He don't believe in God, she does. She proceeds to tell him the story of why she believes, but she says it in a way that no normal human being would ever say it...at least not in this century. Lines like "As the salt water quickly enveloped the world around me, I sank into a dark peaceful cocoon" are grounds for the screenwriter to be force fed his own script page by page.

4. I know they tried to make the hero detective likable, but the odd way he would insult people, and the pure cruelty behind some of those insults makes him seem more like a douchebag with a gun. The head of the security firm alone deals with the guy calling him inbred, spineless, and a quicker boss dicker licker upper. There's a point where someone goes from being a smartass to being an asshole and this guy leaps over that line like a pole vaulter.

5. If an evil spirit has possession of your loved one, it is not advisable to taunt the evil spirit by saying that loved one will reveal the spirit's dark secret. Don't take a psychic to know that exploding heads and large cleaning bills will be in your future.

6. Something that's always bothered me in horror movies....you know the scene where someone is standing still with their back turned to the camera and somebody slowly walks up to them, taps em on the shoulder, and it's a hideous/evil monster/demon? Those people are well aware that something bad's happened to this person, and the evil being isn't making any effort to turn around...so why doesn't the moron tapping monsters just go home? The creature's WAITING for that tap, and if it doesn't come they might not be able to turn around. Maybe THAT'S the weakness. Let the jackass stand there for eternity waiting for me, I'll be home drinking a beer playing the Xbox.

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